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Chivalry is MIA

One of my friends is dating a guy who – according to her – is a little lacking in the chivalry department. We have even jokingly referred to him as “C.L”. aka chivalry-lite. Although we make light of it, I suppose it could actually be a real red flag.

She believes that his lack of chivalry is because of his upbringing: Not raised in the south, not raised with a father in the home. She says she noticed that it started out small like not opening doors, not bothering to see if she got home safely, and now he shows no signs of true gentleman behavior – at all.

I am surprised she has been so patient with him because she is a stickler for this kind of thing. It just makes me wonder how women like to say we want and desire certain traits in a man, but how often do we drop the guys that don’t have them?

I don’t know how attracted I could be to someone with zero, zilch, nada to offer in the chivalry category. I mean, it’s one of those things that can make a woman feel special, so why wouldn’t your man make the effort to do so?

Do you think that a woman should dump a guy whose chivalrous behavior is MIA?

Guys do you think being a gentleman in dating is still expected? Do you and your friends believe in chivalry? Was it a part of what you were taught about being a man?

How important ..or unimportant is chivalry today? Do you think chivalry is MIA on the dating scene?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta.

284 comments Add your comment

DreamsMaterialize

August 16th, 2011
7:18 am

Blah blah blah. Maybe your friend is equally lacking in traits that her guy finds essential in a woman. Chivalry is NOT dead. There are lots of gentlemen out there, just as there are plenty stellar ladies. You tend to get what you put out. Also, chivalry has nothing to do with the south…it’s about character, which is independent of geographic location. I’ve found that words like “stickler” are usually euphemisms for “snob” or “bitch”, neither of which is becoming of a lady.

Foxy

August 16th, 2011
7:24 am

@DM – Touche’

Jeff

August 16th, 2011
7:32 am

I am happy to be chivalrous AFTER she shows that she’s able to act like a lady and not take advantage of a perceived weakness.

There’s a saying amoung some of us guys: the reason there are no more men like your father is because there are no more women like your mother.

Simple Man...

August 16th, 2011
8:19 am

“the reason there are no more men like your father is because there are no more women like your mother.”

As the ladies like to say……WORTH REPEATING!!!!!

Looks like The Dreams & Jeff are getting the fellas off to a good start today….. Think I will just lay over in the cut and wait for some of the ladies to come in…..Maybe I will hold the door for them or something :)

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

August 16th, 2011
8:28 am

What’s her expectation of chivalry?

Does she stand and allow him to open the door, or does she reach for it and then get mad when he doesn’t?

Does she stand at her seat at dinner, or go to sit down and then harbor resentment about his ‘lack of manners’?

This, as in all things, is a matter of setting expectations. WD if your homegirl wants chivalry, create the actions necessary to attain it.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

August 16th, 2011
8:30 am

From the use of words, to the (playful) slapping of hands, I’ve had to personally teach more than a few women that when you’re with me don’t reach for the door.

Be the change you want to see

Diane

August 16th, 2011
8:33 am

Well, if you’re only polite to those people you like, etc., then you’re not really a gentleman in my book, just trying to score. Someone with true manners is polite always, even to people who may not deserve it. Saying please and thank you is essential. I’m married 20 years, so I’ve been off the dating market for two decades. But I strongly disagree with the folks here who say they are only going to be “chivalrous” to certain people. Being polite in all situations, that’s a true gentleman in my book.

Dave

August 16th, 2011
8:34 am

Chivalry should always be expected, just as it should be expected that the lady will act like a lady. Many times, how a person is treated is a direct corelation as to how one is acting and it goes both ways. I open the door, pull the seat out, walk on the sidewalk in between my date and the road, always considerate and and always mannerly.

However, if the guy acts like a lout, tries to put the spotlight on himself instead of her or acts like some trailot park trash, he deserves everything that he has coming to him. If the lady acts all primadona. expects to be worshipped, complains, whines and thinks she is above him, she deserves what she gets. It’s a double edged sword and the blade is sharp on both sides.

Dave

August 16th, 2011
8:37 am

As for me, if a woman is just plain too much trouble and treating me badly I’ll be polite, but will rapidly ask for the check and take her back to her residence very quickly….politely.

Lady~amazing

August 16th, 2011
8:37 am

Morning MIA Family!!!!!

chivalry isn’t dead and out of chivalrous acts are some charming men…..not sure if there are a great number in this group but they are out there nevertheless…….

M. (pronouced M dot)

August 16th, 2011
8:39 am

Guys do you think being a gentleman in dating is still expected? Do you and your friends believe in chivalry? Was it a part of what you were taught about being a man?

Guys are still being gentlemen. I think the problem is that a lot of women have a unrealisitc views of what a gentleman is. They are confusing a gentlemen with being courteous. Opening doors, opening car doors, texting to see if she got home, thats all being courteous. Some are using what they see in the movies as the format for a gentleman. Guys are still gentlemen, they just arent going out of their way to impress women anymore and I think some women look at that trying to impress them as being a gentleman.

I think guys are not going for the B.S. anymore, guys are wising up, and not really putting a lot of stock into women that they dont know that well yet. Maybe things change when they get to know the woman.

Cutty

August 16th, 2011
8:43 am

In the words of Chris Rock, ‘chivalry is dead and women killed it.’

Fake hair, fake nails, fake eyelashes, pushup bras, but looking for a real man.

Rick

August 16th, 2011
8:43 am

Chivarly left with equal rights. I have female friend who have a fit when you hold the door for them. To them it is an insult, they say thye can open the door themselves. I still do it for them, party for the reaction.

Chivalry must be taught at home and I think many families do not teach it.

MiltonMan

August 16th, 2011
8:45 am

Women want equal rights, equal pay, etc., etc. but complain when a man will not open the door for them?

American women = spoiled brats.

Rob

August 16th, 2011
8:47 am

Jeff has it right. The sense of entitlement women have is what caused men to wise up. It’s not like we live in a world where women are submissive and depend on a man to support them. Women work and have very successful careers in some cases so why is there still pressure on the man to make the woman feel special?

The Alpha Male

August 16th, 2011
8:47 am

MiltonMan nailed it…. for the past 30 years, women have done their best to immasculate men…. now you’re complaining because you’ve turned most into women???

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

August 16th, 2011
8:48 am

That’s just it MDot, she shouldn’t dictate your actions.

Being a gentleman is either who/what you are or it isn’t

Fan of Diane

August 16th, 2011
8:51 am

Diane is 100% on target (IMHO). I can’t imagine anyone (male) offering to hold a door open or assist a female in other matters only if the female is a “target”. I would issue a warning: if your guy does this regularly (only chivalrous with the woman he’s dating or wants to date), I’d venture a guess that the chivalry will end shortly after the marriage. I also liked Dan’s comments-if a guy is with a woman who behaves in the manner he described, it’s time to shout “NEXT”!

KimZ'sPackage

August 16th, 2011
8:54 am

There ain’t too many Ladies out there either. Girls watching shows like RHOA, Bad Girls Club, and others isn’t helping girls become more Lady Like. The old saying is very true, “You can’t turn a Whore in to a Housewife.” If you have issues with your mate please look in the mirror first to find the problem. You get treated how you Allow people to treat you. If you want a good man, then when you are a mom it is up to you to raise a good man. Look at your mates mom and his relationship with her. You will learn all you need to know.

Leggs

August 16th, 2011
9:03 am

Good morning. Let me say this then I’ll go and see what’s been posted:

Not raised in the south, not raised with a father in the home – this has NO bearing on whether a person is chivarlous or not. Chivarly is a matter or respect and appreciation. It stems from one’s character, not whether they grew up in a two parent household…are you kidding me.

If this is what she requires/needs, then she should let it be known. If she’s going to settle and quietly qripe about it, it’s on her. Speak that which you require and, more than likely, you’ll get it. If it’s not in his character to do so, she can’t force it! Because then, he will do it for a little while to appease her, then slip right back to his true self. You can’t change a person if they don’t want to change.

Reio

August 16th, 2011
9:04 am

I was taught to open the door, pull out the chair, walk next to the curb when walking with her on the sidewalk… I do it because I was taught to and I think it’s a nice thing to do.

Dave

August 16th, 2011
9:10 am

My family was raised in the deep south and my Mom and Dad taught me that just what you do with a lady. You have manners, you are respectful and you never, ever, EVER get physical with a woman. If she acts like a trollip, then you POLITELY take her home and don’t venture that way again.

I think if she found out I was being less then that, she or my Dad would STILL take a belt to me.

Into the Light

August 16th, 2011
9:19 am

Good morning, all!

Chivalry is a learned behavior, and should be taught early and reinforced often. A father can model this, but it is also a mother’s responsibility to teach her son how to treat a woman.

Lady~amazing

August 16th, 2011
9:20 am

agree Into the Light!

Steven Q. Stanley

August 16th, 2011
9:22 am

A lot of sexism here, not all men choose to date women who are weak and submissive. Some men want a strong woman. If I treated my wife like that she’d beat the crap out of me. Very disrespectful to assume a woman cannot do anything without you.

LeeH1

August 16th, 2011
9:22 am

Gentlemen live in a world of ladies. If you are not in that world, which includes class and a good upbringing, then you won’t get it. Like all American social classes, they can go up and down, and are not closely associated with wealth or position, i.e., the “gentil poor”.

However, I do agree that women’s lib has killed much of the format for class behavior. Women are equal, and don’t need men to open doors, and some women are offended when men do this for them. It only takes a few outbursts of reaction by social peers to undermine years of motherly teaching in politness and courtesy.

Regretfully, with equality came an undermining of the social norms and behavior that guided inter-personal relationships for years before. Don’t be nostalgic for those times, or those manners.

In time, new manners will emerge. But I do agree that they are symbols of class. If your potential mate doesn’t show them, and you need them, then you are not of the same class. Look further.

Southern Gentleman @ 45

August 16th, 2011
9:26 am

Chivalry is far from being dead however, it has to be earned like respect. Opening doors and being polite is just that, being polite and it is something lacking in today’s society. Chivalry goes beyond that and is not just restricted to how you treat a lady but how you act to everyone. Being honest and trust-worthy (like the old saying “A man of his word”) is also a big part. Chivalry is not an act put on to impress or please someone but an every day action that should be as natural as breathing.

Into the Light

August 16th, 2011
9:29 am

Dave, I heart your mom and dad; they sound a lot like my family.

It’s important to emphasize (again) that the expectations are not just for the man to be chivalrous. As we pointed out the other day, there is a difference between a woman and a lady. All ladies are women, but not every woman is a lady.

Dave

August 16th, 2011
9:29 am

Steven, it’s not that the women are “weak and submissive”, it’s out of respect. I know that a woman can do anything that she wants, including opening the door and pulling out their own seat. But that’s where chivalry comes from. It’s saying “I think enough of you to WANT to do these things for you.” You obviously aren’t from around these parts. Do you think “manners” are a thing of the past, too?

Dave

August 16th, 2011
9:32 am

co-sign Into the Light 9:29

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

August 16th, 2011
9:33 am

@SG45

“Chivalry is far from being dead however, it has to be earned like respect.”

does not equal

“Chivalry is not an act put on to impress or please someone but an every day action that should be as natural as breathing.”

I call shenanigans

If breathing is natural, how can it [breathing] be earned.

Your logic is flawed Sir – shenanigans

KimZ'sPackage

August 16th, 2011
9:36 am

Like the country song says, “I like my Women a little on the Trashy side.”
Knowing what you want is half the battle. If you get what you want don’t complain. If you don’t get what you want, then move on.
If she is such a “Stickler” for these things, then does she just not have enough self respect or self esteem to leave the guy? Don’t complain your dog doesn’t listen if you didn’t train him.

Leggs

August 16th, 2011
9:37 am

Yes indeed, chivarly is a learned behavior! And you should be chivarlous to all people, not just the person you’re dating.

czBrat

August 16th, 2011
9:38 am

HiYas!

brat gives a standing O for leggs’ 9:03!

learn something new every day. i’ve always associated “chivalry” with bravery/courage not just good ole gentlemanly manners.

as for me, thankfully, i’ve not had to compromise on being treated like a lady by the gents i’ve dated.

What?!?!?

August 16th, 2011
9:39 am

You can treat someone right and have a great relationship without whatever stupid, antiquated, and probably-sexist version of chivalry you’re whining about.

Leggs

August 16th, 2011
9:44 am

@czB ~ hey there! “chivarly” and “manners” definiely go hand in hand.

UGA 1999

August 16th, 2011
9:48 am

Good morning you guys.

KimZ'sPackage

August 16th, 2011
9:48 am

WHAT?!?!?!?
Yes you can, but the girl in the story WANTS that. She has a right to get it. If she doesn’t, then she should move on.

MsMarriedUp

August 16th, 2011
9:48 am

I was not like my mother and am very glad I ran into a man full of chivalry. He was so patient with me, and still is. Chivalry isn’t something that turns on and off. It’s a part of character.

It’s funny though, because a lot of women get the impression my husband is trying to flirt with them… (and yes, he’s a man, but on this run won’t go there)… but sometimes have to laugh to myself when I see them blushing and falling for his mannerisms not realizing he’s like that with everyone. It’s just the way he is.

Again, you just don’t turn chivalry off and on.

Sighing

August 16th, 2011
9:49 am

All of these “isms” are just killing me. Whenever I hear someone spout of about it’s some “ism”, I usually think that that person doesn’t have a concrete though about the situation and this one word is the best thing they can come up with. Racism, Sexism and all the rest of the “isms” are the most overused words in the English language. There are situations when it realy IS racism or sexism, but the vast majarity of the time, it’s just a word thrown in because they don’t really have a concrete reason. Spare me the “It’s Sexism” retort.

a fan

August 16th, 2011
9:53 am

Last time I wore my Shining Armour out to the club this girl Backed that Thang Up and was Grinding on my Cod Piece. Chivalry ain’t dead!! Lady Guinevere turned into Lady GAGA or Da Brat at some point.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 16th, 2011
9:54 am

I’ts not dead or gone chivalry is not only dedicated to a date, girlfriend, or wife. It is a model of life to be mannerable, respectful, and show your character to all people.

TenderRoni

August 16th, 2011
9:55 am

Morning,

I think if she requires a man to be chivalrous, she should talk to him about it. If he is willing to step up to the plate, then that’s a workable relationship. If he’s not willing to step up to the plate then she has to make a decision is chivalry a deal-breaker.

M. (pronouced M dot)

August 16th, 2011
9:57 am

Question, since there is a lot of pressure on guys to be chivalrous, is there any pressure on women to reciprocate based on the man’s chivalrous actions, if so what cant the man expect from the woman chivalrywise?

SlimNu

August 16th, 2011
9:59 am

Good morning all…stepping in a little late…had to catch up on emails since I was off yesterday

From the use of words, to the (playful) slapping of hands, I’ve had to personally teach more than a few women that when you’re with me don’t reach for the door

Superior Dan – My ex would do stuff like that or after I began to open the door, he’d shut it back then open it up for me. I appreciated that from him. The current beau is not much of a “open car door for me” type of dude but he does open regular doors for me and will text/call to see if i’ve made it home.

(okay back to trying to catch up)

Audra

August 16th, 2011
10:01 am

Wow, I had no idea that “emasculating” men was accomplished simply by women requiring equal rights, pay, etc. Insecure, anyone? LOL. Just seems like common sense fairness to me. And as for chivalry, it’s really just being polite, which should be expected from both genders. That being said, I don’t think a man HAS to bend over backwards to open every door and pull out every chair, but it’s a nice gesture that’s often appreciated. Just don’t be militant about it. We are not trying to emasculate you, sweetie! (now take a deep breath…)

TenderRoni

August 16th, 2011
10:01 am

Some women do know how to have a career and be a submissive “woman”. Men need to stop getting caught up in the physical and qualify a woman before dating or committing. Its just too men bitter Bobs whining.

Leggs

August 16th, 2011
10:01 am

@M. ~ I’m always chivarlous to my mate. Heck, I try to be kind, patient, respectful toward everyone I encounter.

a fan

August 16th, 2011
10:01 am

Does a woman wearing Booty Shorts with JUICY on the butt and T-shirt saying Eye Candy expect a a guy to be Chivalrous?

Simple Man...

August 16th, 2011
10:02 am

Damn…M. beat me to the question of the day!!!!