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Do you return gifts to the ex?

I have never been comfortable accepting extravagant gifts from men I am not in a relationship with or seriously dating. It just makes me uneasy to the point that I could not enjoy the gesture because I am too busy worrying about the motive behind it.

I just think that if things are going so great, we will have plenty of time to spoil one another. Why change the dynamics of the relationship by bringing in big ticket gifts? What happens if things go horribly wrong and you spent a lot of money on someone and start to regret all those gifts?

A friend of mine recently broke up with her man and they had only been dating less then a year. She wants to give back the car that he bought her. Yes, that’s right a car. To be fair, he owns a dealership and probably could afford to let her keep it. I just don’t think she should have accepted it in the first place.

The car actually became an issue for her when deciding if she would break up with him or not. See? This is why things change when money and finances get involved in a dating relationship! What do you think? Should your extravagant gifts or financial loans be returned to your ex post break up?

What is your position on gift buying and exchanging in dating? When is it too generous? Is there such a thing?

Have you ever spent a lot of money on one person you were dating? Did you regret it?

Would you ever ask someone to return a gift you gave them when you were together?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

226 comments Add your comment

Kat

August 15th, 2011
7:00 am

A car, really? How long has she had the car? She must have given it up pretty quickly, or else it was REAL good when he got it.

Lee

August 15th, 2011
7:16 am

I would not of accepted the car. I did turn a car down before it wasn’t brand new but i still turned it down, i felt then i would own him back -we were only dating for 2 mths and it felt wrong.

Foxy

August 15th, 2011
7:21 am

GM Kids!

Foxy thinks that situation smelled of desperation on both sides… so not sexy!

Orlando

August 15th, 2011
7:33 am

If the man owns a dealership, a car is nothing to give. But, I would not expect it back if we broke up, that is just how I roll.

Rob

August 15th, 2011
7:40 am

I think it totally depends on the gifts and personel feelings. Ive returned things and some things ive just thrown away or given to charity. To all have a great and wonderful day

JT

August 15th, 2011
7:43 am

I don’t think you are under any obligation to return an expensive gift after the break-up. I guess it’s more of an issue of how you feel about keeping it…

Button

August 15th, 2011
8:50 am

A gift is just that, a gift! noules written that you have to give back a gift even if things turn sour…jmo
engaged ring is another thing though, you have to give that back, legally. *shrugs*

Button

August 15th, 2011
8:51 am

Oops—meant—no rules

Leggs

August 15th, 2011
9:05 am

Good morning.

They’ve been dating less than a year and he gave her a car. Good for her. He may have wanted to impress her, but he probably also wanted to help her out of whatever her situation was at that time. Would I give the car back, NOPE!

Button

August 15th, 2011
9:08 am

high five Leggs! keep that car!

Button

August 15th, 2011
9:09 am

the wooing process can be very expensive.

czBrat

August 15th, 2011
9:32 am

HiYas!

gifts are gifts. they should not be given on condition of anything other than making the receiver happy. personally, returning a gift i’ve given to you (no matter what the reason) would offend me.

i trust all had a lovely weekend. i’m starting my “hurry, hurry up! c’mon already, friday!” mint condition! anthony hamilton!

Leggs

August 15th, 2011
9:34 am

Topic makes me think of Beyonce’ song “Irreplaceable.”

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 15th, 2011
9:36 am

Personally, I believe extravagant gifts are a bad idea regardless of which side of the transaction one is on. 1) It involves, no matter what one says, an implication of “You now owe me” or indebtedness. That is an emotional “cloud” that will hang over from then on in the relationship causing a tipping of the “balance of power”. Not a good idea.. 2) Most relationships statistically do not last…so the inevitable attempt to untangle “who owns what”.

This is why I would NEVER give an engagement ring for a holiday, i.e Christmas, Valentine’s Day (aka National Sinlges Awareness Day”, et. Because the lines between “gift” and offering a “symbol of commitment” become clouded. Nor am I willing to “live together” unless married for the same reason. Too Dayum Complicated.

Bottom line…will almost always ultimately cause DRAMA…IMHO

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 15th, 2011
9:40 am

Also…maybe I’ve accidentally watched too many episodes of “Judge Judy” and “The People’s Court”…many of those are this exact topic. LOL Those people look like clowns…and those people next could be you and me if we fall into a trap like this. As the lyrics used to say, “Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you”. ;-)

Simple Man...

August 15th, 2011
9:40 am

Morning peeps…… Happy Monday!!! :)
Ahhhhh…. A topic near and dear to my heart :D :) ;D

Leggs

August 15th, 2011
9:40 am

“This is why I would NEVER give an engagement ring for a holiday” – I don’t blame you. In a court of law, it will be hard to determine it wasn’t really a gift and should be returned to you.

Leggs

August 15th, 2011
9:45 am

I know see your post, RandyT, on Judge Judy and People’s Court! Exactly!

Mr_NYC

August 15th, 2011
9:57 am

Good morning all
Gifts should be — well let me speak for myself — I give gifts because I want to with no expectation other than knowing that its something that pleases the recipient.
So in the spirit of the moment or occasion they are yours to keep.
They don’t belong to the relationship or the friendship. They are there to hopefully enhance it.
If down the road, whether it be weeks or months, it does not come together that does not diminish what was once there.
On the other hand, I can respect a woman who may feel hesitant about accepting whether it is due to her standards or past experiences.
That just means she just does not know quite well yet to understand how I roll.

Celisea

August 15th, 2011
10:07 am

Morning,

gifts are gifts. they should not be given on condition of anything other than making the receiver happy. personally, returning a gift i’ve given to you (no matter what the reason) would offend me.

Exactly czBrat, exactly. Any gift given to a love or that special someone is just that. So we don’t make…..what, you want the gift back? Who does that? IMO, that lacks maturity and the ability to gracefully move on.

I’ve been in and have read opinions on here before as it relates to “the ring” but ut uh. You gave it, it’s mine. I still have mine. It was a gift and symbol of what was…during that time.

DreamsMaterialize

August 15th, 2011
10:16 am

the wooing process can be very expensive.
Button The wooing simping process can be very expensive.

On-topic: I don’t give gifts with the expectation of getting back. If I gave it to you, then you can do whatever you want with it. Same is true of any gift you give to me.

Leggs

August 15th, 2011
10:18 am

simping, wooing, no matter how you slice it, you still have to spend money to date. How much you spend depends on you and your pocket.

DreamsMaterialize

August 15th, 2011
10:20 am

I never really keep any gifts after the breakup though. I like to get rid of everything and start new.

i'm swiss™

August 15th, 2011
10:25 am

Morning, Blogville.

On topic: I tend to agree with Randy that extravagant gifts — intentionally or not — tend to lead to expectations. That said, a gift is a gift. If you’re going to expect it back if things turn for the worse, then you shouldn’t have given it in the first place.

Now, more importantly…

Blog Tennis Update: 3rd round playoff match — 6-0, 6-4 Swiss. :-D Dude was solid, and played an aggressive serve & volley style that would have been really effective against most everyone else at this level. Unfortunately for him, he was playing me. :-D In the first set, he tried to come in behind every serve & I had about a hundred return winners. Second set, he backed off the serve & volley & did a better job of mixing it up & giving me different looks, but on the big points he kept trying to go back to his bread & butter & I kept eating his lunch. :-D And he even brought his family with him to watch the beat down. I felt a little bad. But not really. :lol:

DreamsMaterialize

August 15th, 2011
10:26 am

simping, wooing, no matter how you slice it, you still have to spend money to date. How much you spend depends on you and your pocket.
Leggs What, it doesn’t cost any money to woo. You can do that with conversation alone. Matter of fact, call me, and I’ll show you. ;-) I get you though. Just don’t understand why people feel they need to spend lots of money to win someone over. Just show the person a fun and interesting time…if it costs it costs; if it doesn’t it doesn’t.

BlackMagicWoman...in NYC

August 15th, 2011
10:41 am

Hey I say gift is nothing but and acronym for “Given In Faith Trinket”! So I do not want a gift back that I give. Obviously if I am giving a big enough gift to you, I felt you were worth it at that time. Granted, I would not buy such extravant gifts that I would want it back after we split.

Oh girl must have done something right, dude gave her a car. I don’t care if it was not that hard because he owned a dealership. But it wasn’t free to him. So whatever she did…she and Khloe Kardashian should write a book on how they got the dudes to act right! :lol: I’d buy that on Pre-order.

kimmie

August 15th, 2011
10:42 am

Morning All!

I’m with Wise, I’d have been uncomfortable accepting it in the first place. If I was having a hard time and need transportation and he had a dealership, then I’d maybe accept a great “deal” on the car so I could actually do the purchasing.

I was brought up not to accept extravagant gifts from men I dated. My mom explained it for precisely most of the reasons Randyt gave. I’m talking cars, high end electronics and expensive jewelry, etc. I don’t care if he’s Bill Gates or Steve Jobs & whatever he bought was a drop in the bucket, my principles still stood.

Yeah, it makes things WAY too complicated to start messing with that kind of money and you aren’t even married. Especially when I don’t have the means to reciprocate in kind.

Leggs

August 15th, 2011
10:43 am

Hey DreamsM. Sorry, buddy, but it does take $$ to woo. Perhaps, not ALL THE TIME, but you best believe SOME OF THE TIME.

Come over to me and I’ll show you! I’m with you too, you don’t have to spend lots of money to have a good time.

abc

August 15th, 2011
10:43 am

A girlfriend once bought me a very expensive painting. After the relationship tanked, I didn’t want it around, even though it was quite beautiful. I didn’t want to communicate with her at all, even in terms of returning it, so I took it to the artist who created it and gave it back to her.

But, gifts are gifts, if you feel like giving one, the cost shouldn’t matter much. Likewise, a gifts cost shouldn’t matter that much to the recipient.

Leggs

August 15th, 2011
10:44 am

“Given In Faith Trinket”! – Damn, BMW…I likes!

kimmie

August 15th, 2011
10:44 am

When dating, I always gave gifts from the heart and within my means. Nothing I needed to get back if we broke up. That’s just tacky.

Button

August 15th, 2011
10:46 am

Dreams you don’t have to spend a lot of money to have a good time but, you do have to have or at least have your finances in order when you’re dating.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 15th, 2011
10:47 am

Now Leggs, you didn’t expect your boy toy to bear gifts did you? ;-)

BlackMagicWoman...in NYC

August 15th, 2011
10:50 am

LEGGS…thank ya…thank ya kindly! :lol:

Celisea

August 15th, 2011
10:55 am

Nothing suxs worst than “free dates” alllll the dang time. Yes, sometimes let’s get and be creative but sometimes danggit show me I’m worth it…lol I can’t do a brother ALWAYS wanting to be creative and NEVER wanting to spend money. Sometimes, just sometimes, woo me…danggit…lol Heck I ain’t got it LIKE THAT to spend money all the time but ummm, I got a problem if all you do is want to finger paint on the living room floor or arts and crafts while you throw together something yummy. NO CAN DO. I wanna step out sometime.

Celisea

August 15th, 2011
10:58 am

For me though….free dates all the time will get axed real quick.

No seriously, I think it tends to send the wrong message if you start out leading with your wallet, but nothing or no one will have to dictate to you (woman or man) when to step it up and do something nice “just because.” Those sort of gestures are natually and instinctively done.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 15th, 2011
10:58 am

@ DM re: “I never really keep any gifts after the breakup though. I like to get rid of everything and start new.”

My last LTR used to throw away everything I gave her every time we had a fight. We’d make up a week or two later and I’d find out that everything had gone in the trash again. I never let on, but frankly that sometimes really hurt.

Angel

August 15th, 2011
11:01 am

I give him joy -he gives me gifts :)

Button

August 15th, 2011
11:03 am

hehehehe @ Angel

Button

August 15th, 2011
11:05 am

Celisea is there really such a thing as a free date? there’s absolutely no way around not spending money when you go out on a date, even if it’s a house date you’ll still end up dishing out some dough. jmo…

Into the Light

August 15th, 2011
11:08 am

Good morning, all. Hope you all had a lovely weekend.

Congrats to Swiss! :)

Not going to bother retyping my original post that the blog beast ate. Summation: If I’m giving you a gift, it’s because I want you to have it. There is no expectation that you reciprocate or return it if things don’t work out.

kimmie

August 15th, 2011
11:09 am

Celisea – This is another reason why I’ve never been comfortable accepting a date from a guy I’m not interested in just for a free meal. Mom always said nothing is free.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 15th, 2011
11:09 am

@ Celisea re: “when to step it up and do something nice “just because.”

Last week my lady friend took her daughter to college. I was out of town but I casually asked where she was going to be staying and she said the Marriott. Since I sometimes spend a hundred nights a year in marriotts, they tend to accomodate me on things, so I called the Marriott she was going to be staying in and asked if they could find a cheap couple of roses to just surprise her. They literally went out and got a few roses in a small bud vase and had the restaurant there make up some strawberries dipped in chocolate and take them to her room. No note or anything. $25 on my Amex and a lot of brownie points.

Surpise is sometimes greater than $$$.

kimmie

August 15th, 2011
11:10 am

Randyt – You’re a class act.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 15th, 2011
11:12 am

Thx kimmie but have stunk it up a bunch too ;-)

Simple Man...

August 15th, 2011
11:16 am

Seems like no one is gonna admit to have given gifts to those that they are involved with….I ain’t scared to say it…I have given gifts and on a few occasions, they have reached a level that I would consider expensive, and most likely will continue to do so in the future. I have been very fortunate in alot of ways, and I have no issue with sharing my good fortune with those that I spend social time with….sometimes its as simple as “trinket” when we are at the mall or as big as a vacation….I never “keep score” when I date, But I quickly lose intrest when it starts to feel like a chore of like she is expecting things…Thats where I draw the line….And depending on what it is, If she wants to give it back…I’ll take it…:)

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 15th, 2011
11:17 am

@ Simple Man

Well stated.

Button

August 15th, 2011
11:19 am

:wink: @ Simple Man

Button

August 15th, 2011
11:25 am

lol @ a cheap couple of roses–Randyt u sir are a mess!

kimmie

August 15th, 2011
11:28 am

Simple – Sounds like you’re a class act too. Because few things are more irritating than dating a person that “keeps score”. That’s where the discomfort would come in for me – when I knew I could not reciprocate and I had a feeling he was keeping score. The best way to ax that is not accept overly extravagent gifts. But to be honest, I never really had this “problem” because, while I’ve recieved some nice things on Christmas or birthdays from men, nothing approached a car or the like. I’ve gotten nice perfume sets, small jewelry pieces, nice clothing articles, small electronics, probably nothing over $300 when I think back.