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Lose weight to keep your mate?

When you are part of a new couple, it’s common to pack on a few pounds. You’re eating out, cutting back gym time, and before you know it, your clothes aren’t fitting right anymore.

What happens after that can make a break a relationship. The way you handle addressing the extra weight and/or your reaction to said discussion can pretty much become one of those relationship defining moments.

Do you think that once a person starts to let themselves go a little, their significant other has a right to say something to them about it?

Would you be willing to lose weight to keep your mate happy?

Put yourself in either side of the scenario: Would you want to be told that your change in appearance is a problem? Would you want to broach the subject if your honey got a little too fluffy for your personal tastes?

How much say should we have about the image of the people we are dating?

Do you think that who you are dating is a reflection on you and your character?

Sincerest apologies for no blog post on Thursday. I had an emergency and to be honest, it sort of slipped my mind! Thanks for checking in anyway, I appreciate it!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

269 comments Add your comment

JT

August 12th, 2011
6:33 am

I think you have every right to say something about your mate’s extra pounds. But do it in a tactful way, if there is such a thing. Weight is one of those taboo subjects for a man to approach a woman about.

In my case, my ex and I had a membership at the gym and I mentioned that she might want to go more often. One of her responses to me was that she can’t lose weight for me, only for herself. Another one was that she spent X amount of dollars on her hair and wasn’t going to mess it up at the gym. My response to her was if a man is looking at a woman with a nice body, hair style isn’t is not that big a deal. But if man is looking at a big woman with nice hair, all he sees is a big woman.

We are now divorced. It isn’t because of the weight, but it definitely didn’t help that I wasn’t attracted to her anymore.

But this scenario could be reversed if the man doesn’t try to keep himself appealing to his female partner…

Him

August 12th, 2011
6:56 am

Hmmm … well … if she’s becoming unattractively large, then he has only three choices: (1) say and do nothing about it, accept whatever size she chooses to be, and be miserable, (2) encourage her to lose weight, which requires a great deal of tact on his part and requires that she not be the type to have her feelings hurt too easily, or (3) stop dating her. I wouldn’t do the first, if I liked her enough I would try to do the second, otherwise I would proceed to the third option.

Him

August 12th, 2011
6:59 am

In other words, if you please me, I will stay with you. If you don’t, I won’t. But, of course, that works both ways. Both partners should have that attitude.

DevilDog

August 12th, 2011
7:21 am

Oh, come on, fat people need love too! Isn’t that why they invented alcohol?

Fred

August 12th, 2011
7:36 am

Wow! Tough crowd and question. For me, while the outside appearance *might* be what attracted me at first, if I am seriously dating a woman, what’s between her ears is much more important. Full disclosure, my spouse and I have been together 21 years now and *neither* of us looks quite the same. Yet I am more attracted to her now than I was 21 years ago (and that was pure lust at first sight! ;-) ). If a person moves to the morbidly obese side, it is ok to be concerned about their health and to tell them so. But even that has to be done in a tactful manner. But back to my first statement, if looks are the only thing keeping you together you might as well give it up now because there are too many things that can cause looks to change. What if he or she was in an accident and their looks changed or became ill and their body shape changed?

Bo Doodley

August 12th, 2011
7:49 am

Too many shallow people.

Her

August 12th, 2011
7:55 am

Let’s try this again, That’s why I’m back in the gym. But what happens when his penis stops working..do i leave him?

Mr. Unk

August 12th, 2011
8:17 am

Don’t become a fat girl after we start dating. I lost 35 this year, its a life choice that I’m not going to stop because she is being lazy. People stop living their lives after getting into a relationship and I never understood that… red flag (skinny girl representative) = (Ambición de FAT girl)… People need to be more vocal and say what makes them happy.

@ Her If it don’t work, say something or bounce. Why be unhappy and end up cheating on that person.

Fatty McPatty

August 12th, 2011
8:18 am

I disagree with those who say it’s shallow to expect your mate to maintain a healthy weight. First of all, being overweight is not healthy. Say what you want, no one is attracted to someone who is always sick, snores, or can barely climb stairs without breathing heavy. Second, if you don’t maintain your appearance, you best believe your mate will start looking at other people. I just think it opens the door to infidelity. Third, what about the sex? Overweight men have a harder time with…stamina. And overweight women can’t be as…adventurous as others.

And if his penis stops working, you better get him some Viagra or you’ll be a very frustrated lady. :)

Reynolds

August 12th, 2011
8:24 am

I am going thur this with my husband of 22 Years… I have gain a liittle weight and I do not know if this have something to do with us having sex…I am not losing weight to please him I won’t to lose weight because I won’t to… This is a turn off for me because of this..

Button

August 12th, 2011
8:40 am

The average woman wears a size 14, I myself think that is a little bit over weight, but me being a size 8, someone may saw I’m over weight. I’ve mastered to lose about 25 lbs and I feel great!

As far as weight and dating, if my partner gains a little weight I would suggest to cut back on food porportions when we eat out, or suggest a healthier selection off the menu. If you care about your SO, then you should say something about their weight gain. Sometimes weight gain could also be an underlying medical condition too.

Dave

August 12th, 2011
8:41 am

Sorry, but that’s a fact of life. Too many people think that once they are married (or secure in a relationship) they just let themselves go. To them, the race is over. This goes for guys and girls. That’s a horrible attitude to take and it will come back to bite you before you know it. Fat women and fat men…unappealing? Say it ain’t so…(sarcasm). Sorry, but I won’t be attracted to a fat women, so matter what her hair is like, personality, etc. Getting fat and letting yourself go shows little to no respect for your partner, laziness on your part as well as it being very unhealthy. Read it, learn it, live it.

Dave

August 12th, 2011
8:42 am

It doesn’t mean you can’t still love them, but there won’t be any physical attraction, which is a MAJOR factor in sex appeal and having sex. And you needed this explained to you?

Leggs

August 12th, 2011
8:49 am

Good morning!

Do you think that once a person starts to let themselves go a little, their significant other has a right to say something to them about it? Most definitely. Major problem with both men and women. Once they settle in the relationship and get comfortable some tend to get lax in their appearance. A few extra pounds here and there add up to physically losing attraction for one another. As I’m maintaining myself now, I will continue to maintain myself with a mate. If you don’t there’s ALWAYS a “clean up” woman around the corner.

Would you be willing to lose weight to keep your mate happy? Yes, I would. But, if I’m already on the thin side and he wants me to get into 0 or size 2 jeans, NOPE!

Reg

August 12th, 2011
8:50 am

When people like the above poster uses the word “shallow” to describe people turned off by fat people, that a code for “I don’t care that I’m fat. I’m not gonna lose it. And I’d rather be old and alone with my cats than actually get off my rear end and do something about my lard a$$.” Just sayin…..

SlimNu

August 12th, 2011
8:56 am

Good morning and happy Fatboy/Fatgirl Friday ;-)

1964

August 12th, 2011
8:57 am

I think that people can take stances on this issue to support their own agenda, but I dislike stick thin people as much as I dislike obese people. You can be curvy and you can be sorta thin. No problem. But many of these models look like they are going through chemo and that’s not attractive to me, no matter what their face looks like. Just like the obese people that use 1) It’s in my genes, 2) I can’t help it, 3) I’ve tried or 4) I don’t care. In reality, GENES- You can lose it if you want to bad enough, 2)CAN’T HELP IT- Umm..yes you can. 3) I’VE TRIED- No, you’ve given a half assed effort 4) I DON’T CARE- Now we’re on to something!

Lady Strange

August 12th, 2011
8:59 am

If you truly care about your mate you will find a way to work together. If your mate truly cares about you they will listen (please be tactful and aware of their feels) and hopefully together work out, change your eating habits, etc. A person has to want to change for themselves. My weight is something I’ve always struggled with. Nothing changed until I decided I had had enough of being the fat girl and I wanted to be around to watch my son grow up and have his own family. It’s not an easy change to make but it has to be something the indivudual wants to do. No amount of pressure from others can make you do something.

Men can just as easily let themselves go too, it’s not just us ladies.

Into the Light

August 12th, 2011
9:01 am

Good morning, all!

Happy Frisky Friday ;)

1964

August 12th, 2011
9:04 am

@Lady Stranger, absolutely it can be men as well as women. No one likes a fat slob of a man that sits on the couch watching TV 24/7. Why do you think the Ashley Madison website has so much business?? I looked at it a while back because I wanted to see what it is all about and it is CRAWLING with married ladies (I know, I know…crawling with married men, too)

Lovely Brown

August 12th, 2011
9:21 am

Good Morning all and Happy Friday! :-)

Well, the topic today is really all up in my face….. When I met my husband he was maybe 150lbs, I had always been bigger than him, he happens to love big girls, aint nothing wrong with it! :lol: Well, 25 years and three kids later he is about 100lbs heavier and sick because of it. I joined weight watchers and lost 60lbs…. I ask him to do it with me. No deal. I don’t expect him to look like he did 25 years ago….but please do something! I feel like I have been more than patient, supportive and kind. I know I might get slammed, but whatever :lol: I don’t condone cheating….but lately I see why it happens……

Leggs

August 12th, 2011
9:26 am

@LovelyB ~ why not print out your post and show it to him, but leave off the last 7 words because that’s all he will see and harp on.

abc

August 12th, 2011
9:27 am

America is a nation of fatties. People’s idea of average these days would be really fat 25 or more years ago.

So what are we talking about, 5-10 lbs? Or do you balloon up 50 or more lbs? 5-10, not that big a deal, losing that suits vanity. More than that, you’re putting your health at risk, why not take up smoking, too.

The gym DOES NOT TAKE OFF WEIGHT. Only eating less will decrease the pounds. The gym may help to boost your metabolism, and it will certainly tone you up and build lean mass, but exercise does not equal weight loss. Quit the sweets and snacks. Push away from the table. Back away slowly from the buffet line, there’s no more you can graze here. Stop drinking so much.

Big Boy on Deck.....

August 12th, 2011
9:28 am

Ok…for all of you two bit wanna be metro sexual size 30 punk jerks that have an issue with us big guys…..

I am 6′6″ tall and weight 357 lbs…..My gear is on point , my money is right and for you 1964, I will kick sand in your face and take you girl for the ride of her life…In my case, It is genitics!! I am amazed that there are so many folks that are on this blog trying to sound like they are gods gifts…Do you..If you are 165lbs and ok with that FINE..But you have no idea about whats going on with any other persons health so to make these lame azz, generic, and broad statements is just tired….yeah I said it …WHAT!?!?!?!?!?

1964

August 12th, 2011
9:31 am

and the Defense rests….

Button

August 12th, 2011
9:35 am

abc you made a good point about working out AND eating right. I was one who used to think that just working out will help with weight lose, man was I wrong! it wasn’t until I cut back on food porportians and cutting sweets all the way out, that I saw myself slimming down.

Charles Atlas

August 12th, 2011
9:38 am

If you want to get a flat stomach, 80% of it is diet and eating less food. You can do sit ups and crunches all day for a year, but if you don’t change your diet, all you will have is a washboard stomach that has a lot of padding. In other words, no washboard stomach. Losing weight combines cardio, resistance training and diet. But 80% of it is diet.

BlackMagicWoman...in NYC

August 12th, 2011
9:41 am

Well I feel if a guy comes to me with a pack, and then it turns into a keg…either it has to go, or I will. I am not attracted to pregnant looking men! Put down the beer and hit the treadmill! Stop lifting steaks & cakes and pick up the weights! I also can’t stang guys who will lift weights to have the big arms and chest but yet that gut still sticks out. Cardio man……it works! Your muscles are NOT hiding your baby belly!

I am working out and maintaining my appearance (which I do for myself, no a guy) then that man shoudl do the same. He wouldn’t like me to pull the old bait & switch on him. The same way men get the wandering eye…I can too! Physical attraction is #1….I do not care how you put it. if I am not attracted to you….friends is all we shall be.

Lovely Brown

August 12th, 2011
9:41 am

@ Leggs….hmmmm, it’s a thought. But I figure I have talked sweetly, some people only respond to action, talk is cheap.

@ Big Boy- I am not God’s gift, far from it and I don’t want my husband to weight 150lbs again….that’s too little for my taste :lol: But I do want him to be healthy and I think it would help him feel better about himself. He is still attractive, he has beautiful eyes and the most amazing smile. I am still attracted to him, but it could be better……..everyone has room for improvement :-)

Simple Man.....

August 12th, 2011
9:41 am

Morning Peeps…..

I just looked this up…..

Preferred Weight For Men
Height Small Frame Medium Frame Large Frame
5′1″ 123-129 126-136 133-145
5′2″ 125-131 128-138 135-148
5′3″ 127-133 130-140 137-151
5′4″ 129-135 132-143 139-155
5′5″ 131-137 134-146 141-149
5′6″ 133-140 137-149 144-163
5′7″ 135-143 140-152 147-167
5′8″ 137-146 143-155 150-171
5′9″ 139-149 146-158 153-175
5′10″ 141-152 149-161 156-179
5′11″ 144-155 152-165 159-183
6′0″ 147-159 155-169 163-187
6′1″ 150-163 159-173 167-192
6′2″ 153-167 162-177 171-197
6′3″ 157-171 166-182 176-202
Source: American Medical Association
Accoring to this, My idea weight is between 152 and 169 lbs…..REALLY???? Have me running aound looking like a cleaned up crack head if weight in at 150 some odd pounds….

SlimNu

August 12th, 2011
9:43 am

The beau took about 3 to 4 months off from working out and I could see the difference. But it wasn’t a big deal because he’s not a real big guy anyway. He always jokes about my lil pooch but it’s not like I didn’t have it when we first met. I’m sure it wouldn’t take long to get rid of it if i worked out but oh well.

abc

August 12th, 2011
9:44 am

Think of it like this: A workout at the gym, if you crank it up pretty hard with resistance training and cardio, will burn up 250-350 calories. 3500 calories == 1 pound. That’s 1 lb every 10 days at best — unless your metabolism adjusts, and it probably will. An average diet goal would be 2 lbs per week, maybe 3, so obviously, the gym isn’t going to do it for you. Restricting calories to 1200-1500 per day will do it, but your metabolism is going to slow way down, so the gym is still useful in boosting that through strenuous activity.

czBrat

August 12th, 2011
9:46 am

Hi Yas!

s/o and i are both into fitness, along with travel, music and being foodies. i re-injured my back our first year together which curtailed my workouts. as soon as i started getting comfortable with my inactivity, weight gain started to show. we adjusting our eating habits and added more long walks to our time together.

truth is, over the next 40-50+ years together we’re both bound to see many physical changes. you truly have to be in love with the person, not just their packaging. and if the friendship between you is genuine, you can freely (and tactfully) discuss when something is going waaaay left.

Leggs

August 12th, 2011
9:46 am

@LovelyB ~ and what action are you contemplating…cheating? So, you’ve been talking sweetly (almost sounds like enabling), print the post and try a different avenue.

czBrat

August 12th, 2011
9:49 am

simple (hi!), similar to the stats you posted; for women, i’d be told my ideal weight at 5′6″ is between 140-150. no thanx. that’s about 15 lbs beyond what works for me.

Big Boy on Deck.....

August 12th, 2011
9:50 am

Thats the point…The question was never about health…..Like I said, I am 350 plus and as healthy as I can possibly be…I bench 400 + I swim 200 or so laps a week. I run and dance and do everything that most thin folks do ( except get in and out of a Miata, and why would I ever do that??) Folks need to understand, Thin does not equal health and big does not equal unhealthy…..

Leggs

August 12th, 2011
9:55 am

“Thin does not equal healthy and big does not equal unhealthy…..”

↑ I’ve been saying that forever and a day!

Lovely Brown

August 12th, 2011
9:56 am

and what action are you contemplating…cheating? So, you’ve been talking sweetly (almost sounds like enabling), print the post and try a different avenue.

Nope, not gonna cheat. By talking sweetly, I mean no hollering,cussing and screaming…..some folk only respond to that. Sad, but true. I have a tendency sometime to let my mouth take over, I’m working on it :lol:

SlimNu

August 12th, 2011
9:57 am

Leggs – I know right…we JUST went over that the over day

Thin does not equal healthy and big does not equal unhealthy

Leggs

August 12th, 2011
10:01 am

@LovelyB ~ ok, reading your posts had me thinking you might be considering it since you understand why some people do it. And, I thought you were saying you talking sweetly wasn’t getting you anywhere. Gotcha!

Yep, SlimNu, just the other day!

abc

August 12th, 2011
10:05 am

Thin is more attractive through, whether in a bathing suit or a tux. Overweight == much higher risk of high blood pressure and diabetes, which might not really be a concern for you until you’re over 50, at which point damage caused is probably not reversible. High blood pressure will cause your junk to cease functioning properly, diabetes will cost you a leg or two.

What’s big vs. what’s fat?

kimmie

August 12th, 2011
10:08 am

Morning All this lovely Friday!!!

Letting yourself go because “I got him/her now” is the kiss of death for a relationship, I think. It says so much about you. You take your partner for granted. You don’t care about your health and being the best you not only for your partner, but yourself. You don’t care about the physical side of your relationship – that that person may not be as attracted to you with all the weight. Plus, I don’t know about everyone else, but it affects my performance caring around extra baggage. So go on with that “he/she should love me whatever weight I get” fantasy and see how far that gets you. Even if they don’t step out on you, you home won’t be so happy!

And yes, you should build up enough of an honest rapport with each other to be able to, in a loving way, tell your sweetie about this and any other issue they may have. Offer to go walking with them, stop bringing home Twinkies and potato chips, prepare more salads.

SlimNu

August 12th, 2011
10:16 am

‘Thin is more attractive’

We’ve been programmed to think this way…some cultures would view thin as unattractive, unhealthy, low class level etc…I personally wish I was a tiny bit thicker in some areas…believe it or not I have a hard time finding clothes/shoes that fit right..

Purple Reign

August 12th, 2011
10:16 am

This topic is funny, but I would never be in that situation. I only dated people who live a healthy and active lifestyle. I am a runner my wife is a gym rat and a runner, it;s nothing new or a fad it’s a way of life for the both of us. If one of us starts to gain we just work that much harder but I can’t recall that happening in which it was a problem. Take care of your health and weight for yourself not anyone else.

Celisea

August 12th, 2011
10:17 am

Morning,

IMO, people don’t let themselves go because they “snagged” the one they’re with. People let themselves go because they get lazy. People let themselves go because maybe before 30 or 40 it wasn’t a problem and with the shift in bodies changing as we age they are motivated enough to do anything about it. No matter….a person should lose weight or keep the weight down or maintain because it’s the healthy thing to do and it’s for one’s self. If a person will leave you because of weight then good riddance. If a person will leave you because of weight, I just believe if it’s that easy then if it ain’t weight it will always be something. People wanting to go just need a reason. It it’s not infidelity or not financially stable it’s just an excuse.

Celisea

August 12th, 2011
10:18 am

aren’t motivated

Purple Reign

August 12th, 2011
10:19 am

I don’t like thin women I dont like women with big boobs and big butts. I like a toned, firm athletic woman. Not the type that looks like a male body builder either.

oneofeach4me

August 12th, 2011
10:22 am

Even the most beautiful, in-shape women get cheated on; regularly. You cannot use that excuse as a reasoning of wanting to “roam”. However, I understand the concept of staying healthy and active together, but please stop putting this pressure on a woman that she must remain and stay the same over decades. Age changes people, and women’s bodies change with child birth, menopause, ect. What if your wife, the woman you supposedly “love” who gave birth to your children ends up being diagnosed with hypothyroidism and puts on 15 pounds? So you mean to tell me she is subject to termination? But if you get sick and can’t walk I bet you will be looking to her to wipe your a**!

And I am talking marriage here, not dating. The two year mark should be the time when you learn to accept that the outside of a person may change… but that doesn’t mean SHE has.

Charles Atlas

August 12th, 2011
10:25 am

6′6″ and close to 400 lbs…that’s not big, friends and family. That’s fat and I don’t care how you cut it, color it or explain it. That’s not healthy for your heart or your joints and back. Rationalize all you want, but it just isn’t so….

kimmie

August 12th, 2011
10:26 am

Celisea – I agree with a lot of what you said. But I also believe that what it took to snag that person is what it will take to keep them – within reason. I’m not saying if you all met at 18, they need to stay like they were at 18. That’s not realistic. But it’s important to be you. Don’t fake being a health nut just so you can snag that fine personal trainer, then pack on 50 pounds after yall marry, because it’s gotten too hard to maintain the farce. But I think both should put forth an effort to be the best person they can be. It can only spill over into their personal relationship and make it better.