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Dating under the influence

Call it one of life’s lessons: outside influences should not impact your relationship. Some of us had to learn the hard way. Like the time you over shared something about what was happening and it backfired on you.

We all have well meaning friends and relatives who want what is best for us. Sometimes they may get a little carried away and interfere, which actually could make things a lot worse. You could end up getting bad advice from someone who really should not have been able to influence your decisions or behavior at all.

Have you ever been influenced by people to make certain dating or relationship decisions?

How much do you share and how much do you keep close to the vest?

Would you ever dump someone because they were not liked by people in your circle?

One of my friends is seeing a woman that does not get along with his best friend. It is starting to become a problem because the best friend and girlfriend clash a lot. This leaves him sort of stuck in the middle. What would you do in this situation? Play peacemaker or keep them apart?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures In Atlanta Dating Blog

720 comments Add your comment

Foxy

August 10th, 2011
6:48 am

GM Kids!
Foxy thinks you should watch your boy,there might be some sexual tension. Foxy keeps counsel with Foxy on matters of the heart.

czBrat

August 10th, 2011
7:18 am

HiYas!

that’s a big ol “yes” to staying mum about relationship issues. it’s never been my style to seek or rely on the advice/approval of others when it comes to selecting or staying with a guy.

Would you ever dump someone because they were not liked by people in your circle?
not likely. folks in my circle tend to be more of the “i’ll give my opinion if you ask it, but no matter what you do, i’m with you.” types.

here’s the thing … we all have a gut feeling about whether or not two people make a good match, but no one knows for sure. my fam never really cared for my ex, but we stayed together 18 years and had two great kids. my sister, on the other hand, chose dudes we all were crazy about from day one; her marriages lasted less than 5 years each. her current dude is a complete :shock: we ALL question why she got with this guy. but guess what? they’ll probably stay together forever. oh well.

gotta get my hump day rollin. ugh.

DreamsMaterialize

August 10th, 2011
7:26 am

This is different than what I was initially thinking. I thought we were going to be talking about people who met their SO whilst either or both of them were under the influence. My bad. In that case, I’ve been DUI before and have been with someone who was. Either way, it never turns out well.

SlimNu

August 10th, 2011
7:59 am

Good morning,

Dreams – that sounds like a interesting topic idea…maybe after lunch we can explore that one as well. ;-)

Re: today’s topic, I am selective about what and who I tell anything about my relationships. And anyone who knows me, knows that no matter what they say, I am ultimately going to do what Slim wants to do. Currently, I’m not going to say someone close to me doesn’t necessarily like the beau, but I’m pretty sure she isn’t totally loving him either. I don’t know if it’s because things are little different as far as how my time is spent or for other reasons. They are one of those type of folks that likes to do things in groups, hang out etc…the beau isn’t so much of that type where he needs an audience or entourage to have fun. But oh well…

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 10th, 2011
8:29 am

As some bosses of mine in the past have conveyed to me…”if I want your opinion I”ll give it to you”…and the old standby, “free advice is worth about what it costs”.

Very few people who offer advice are totally objective. All have agendas or lenses from their past that color their advice. At the end of the day, follow your own head and heart…they will mislead you often, but at least you will have no one to blame but yourself.

Into the Light

August 10th, 2011
8:32 am

Good morning, all!

I had to laugh @ Dreams’ post, because when I saw the topic I, too, thought we were going to discuss dating DUI. Or, as we used to refer to it in college, “beer goggles”.

On topic: I’m always going to have confide in and vent to my bestie, because I know that she is a sympathetic ear but is not judgmental. She listens, but does not say “you should” nor has she ever allowed anything I’ve vented about an SO to alter her treatment or opinion of him. Other than her, I pretty much keep mum on relationship issues; I’m not a big fan of airing dirty laundry for all to see.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 10th, 2011
8:33 am

I’ve had several relationships that had major damage done by the lady listening to her siblings or mothers or close friends. The less told to people who might have influence, the better.

Leggs

August 10th, 2011
8:54 am

Good morning!

“How much do you share and how much do you keep close to the vest?” When it comes to my relationships, I keep most of it to my vest. It’s not cool sharing your love life with your friends. Not only that, if you continue to give juicy details about your mate, you only pique their curiousity and you might come home one day to find them in bed together. I learned early in life, keep your relationship between you and your mate. Although friends may have your best interest at heart, they can be quite messy.

@DreamsM ~ I thought the same thing, meeting people while drunk (lol).

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 10th, 2011
9:08 am

I never rely on people giving me advise about another person. Make decisions based on your own interaction. I want peace and will have it, if somebody want to be an influence they need to be that with children.

Single in the City

August 10th, 2011
9:13 am

I normally don’t share my business with others or listen when they provide unsolicited input…but I must say that when my friends told me that my child’s father was no good…I probably should have listened in the beginning and spared myself the five years of my life I wasted on him. :(

Button

August 10th, 2011
9:19 am

Some people over analyze things and that could cause problems especially if you are easily influenced by others opinion. If I know I have family/friends who over analyze everything and keep drama going then I would proceed with caution and take their opionion with a grain of salt, because I know that’s just them being them, but if I have family/friends who are grounded then and only then I would think about their concerns. But at the end of the day, I have to do what’s right for me.

CoolShadow

August 10th, 2011
9:22 am

How much do you share and how much do you keep close to the vest?

That depends on my level of trust in you. If you’re a confidante, I’ll share details but not all. If you’re just a regular acquaintance, the amount of information about my relationships that I share with you is little to nothing at best and varies inversely to the rate at which you run your mouth and gossip.

Would you ever dump someone because they were not liked by people in your circle?

Nope, but at times it seems as if this runs along gender lines. There are exceptions but generally speaking, some women have no problem being opinionated and critical of their friends’ love interests at any point while men tend to be silent during the relationship but might offer opinions in retrospect when things or going south or have ended.

Interesting topic, at one point I thought of suggesting something similar to Wise Diva for discussion. Some people have a knack for getting in the way and killing the momentum on other people’s relationships. Even worse are the people who let relationship saboteurs conduct their machinations.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 10th, 2011
9:27 am

Good Morning Ladies and Gents:
Sorry I was up too late.

Into the Light

August 10th, 2011
9:31 am

Doing something fun, I hope, BF. :)

czBrat

August 10th, 2011
9:33 am

button, very good point! also, in my case being the baby of the bunch, i learned early on that no one will ever be good enough (in the eyes of my fam). even my nieces are ridikulously protective of me. guys just don’t stand much chance of getting that A++ rating across the board.

as was said already, everything is subjective. proceed accordingly.

Button

August 10th, 2011
9:36 am

Wise, that’s a tough situation your guy friend is in, with the woman he’s seeing and his friend at odds. You didn’t give much information as to how long he’s been seeing the woman and how long he’s been friends with the guy. At any rate, the date should know that he has his friends and she should respect that and know that she’s not required to be friends with the guy.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 10th, 2011
9:39 am

It’s hard for me to believe a sound minded person don’t know when somebody means them no good. Seem to me you don’t need outside influences to tell you this, that person most likely will show and treat you like shi.

Button

August 10th, 2011
9:41 am

I have a gf who is always looking the the other shoe to drop.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 10th, 2011
9:49 am

ITL:
Yep it’s a bet all the working parts were humming like a well oiled machine…..LOL

MsMarriedUp

August 10th, 2011
9:50 am

Randyt; on the “…but at least you will have no one to blame but yourself.” The funniest was someone once telling me they wanted advice so that they could do just the opposite… and have someone to blame.

Geat topic… cause it’s also funny that one of the biggest societal issues is this necessity to follow the herd. Gets on my nerves sometimes, but you know how it is… go to a new job and this one has to tell you how everyone is! I keep quiet, cause I like figuring out on my own who everyone is… just like in relationships.

The truth is most people openly seek out and rely on what others say… and that’s in every faucet of their lives… dating and mating included. That’s how we can for opinions about people we don’t even know… such as politicians and entertainers caught up in the news. Just listen around, every body knows what happened and not a one of us was there. What Madonna say… “It’s human nature.”

Hope I explained myself better this time… and didn’t go off topic;-) …and thanks Wise Diva… love the morning Java!

Button

August 10th, 2011
9:51 am

CzBrat, thank you! :wink:
I’m the baby of the bunch too.

Leggs

August 10th, 2011
9:52 am

@Blackfoote ~ ever hear of the phrase “a wolf in sheep clothing?” Some are really, really good at masquerading their ill intent. Eventually, it all comes to a head, but by that time, damage has been done!

Also, have you watched the show SNAPPED? People change!

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 10th, 2011
9:53 am

Button:
Dear are you typing too fast? Don’t fret it happens to me all the time…..LOL

Lovely Brown

August 10th, 2011
9:55 am

Good Morning All! :-)

I learned early on in my marriage to keep certain issues between me and hubby to myself. Your family and friends that you tell every bad thing about what your mate did will not take it too kindly once y’all make up and are playing kissy face.

Into the Light

August 10th, 2011
9:55 am

I’ve seen that show, Leggs. That one and “Who the BLEEP Did I Marry?” are scary!! :shock:

Leggs

August 10th, 2011
9:57 am

czBrat

August 10th, 2011
9:58 am

here’s what i don’t get though. how long does it take to recognize the “wolves”? in your closest circle of friends and fam, should you not have eliminated the ones with ulterior motives by now? or at the very least eliminate them as sources of sound advice?

Into the Light

August 10th, 2011
9:58 am

BF, you are naughty! Assume your position under the stairs (after you send me an e-mail with the juicy details….I kid! I kid!) :)

Purple Reign

August 10th, 2011
10:02 am

Answer to question #1 No
Answer to question #2 No
Answer to question #3 Yes

And your friends girlfriend and his best friend just probably have some sexual tension between them..lol. Seriously the best friend just needs to give his friend’s new relationship some space and let them be.

The Reanimated Corpse of I'm Swiss (now with titanium-infused, bionic w@ng)

August 10th, 2011
10:03 am

Morning, folks.

On topic: What happens between you & me, stays between you & me. I’ve never been a fan of outside relationship advice — unless maybe it’s a professional, unbiased counselor or something — simply because friends and family 1) are never totally objective and 2) generally only hear one side of the story. If we have problems, we should be talking to each other. And if we can’t talk to each other, then we have bigger problems that whatever the thing is that we’re not talking about.

The Reanimated Corpse of I'm Swiss (now with titanium-infused, bionic w@ng)

August 10th, 2011
10:04 am

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 10th, 2011
10:04 am

Leggs:
You know I know a wolf very well, and a lot folks walk around in sheep skin. They put me in mind of the song Smiling Faces. As for snapped I’ve seen some of it and it’s crazy I know some of those folks wish they had another minute to think before their final act.

Reio

August 10th, 2011
10:05 am

You do’nt need to tell anybody anything beyond a general description, maybe how you met. If she is crazy and not worth a damn, you’ll know it soon enough. If she/he proves to be unworthy, open the back door. Plain and simple.

The Reanimated Corpse of I'm Swiss (now with titanium-infused, bionic w@ng)

August 10th, 2011
10:07 am

“If she/he proves to be unworthy, open the back door.”

Or keep the back door dead-bolted shut, depending on the context. :lol:

Leggs

August 10th, 2011
10:07 am

@czB ~ you would think one would be able to discern bad intent from good intent. But, when the heart is front and center, stupidity reigns. No matter what a friend “hips” the friend to in terms of the character of their new love interest, they won’t see it until its too late. Love is blind. And, it’s like with our children, the more we talk against someone they like the more they’re drawn to that person. Same with adult friends!

Purple Reign

August 10th, 2011
10:08 am

Blackfoote, I agree with your 9:39, there are always signs. Sometimes our blinders just get in the way.

Leggs

August 10th, 2011
10:08 am

Interesting you bring up Smiling Faces. I tell my child about that all the time!!

Button

August 10th, 2011
10:10 am

Blackfoote – Oops! :lol:

Into the Light

August 10th, 2011
10:12 am

Makes me think about the O’Jays.: What they do? They smile in your face….All the time they want to take your place….

Mo (aka Moeisha)

August 10th, 2011
10:15 am

Morning All!! Hope everyone is going well!

Have you ever been influenced by people to make certain dating or relationship decisions? Umm nope…

How much do you share and how much do you keep close to the vest? depends on who Im sharing with. My BFF is a guy so he tends to give fair advice, whether I like it or not

Would you ever dump someone because they were not liked by people in your circle? Nope!! Hell I have some friends that dont like each other, doesnt mean I cutting my friends off.

Reio

August 10th, 2011
10:16 am

If you’re paying attention, one can determine if a potential mate is worth a damn, just via initial conversations alone. Before a date occurs. I tend to listen to fam/friends, cause I tend to let only the ones I deem to be sharpest get close enough to me to feel comfortable enough to offer advice.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 10th, 2011
10:16 am

ITL:
I should be home, LOL…(under stairwell) trying to be a good boss for my employees. I’ll make it up this evening for sure, isn’t that right Leggs.

Leggs

August 10th, 2011
10:19 am

@ITL ~ I was thinking of this Smiling faces

♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪

Smiling faces sometimes pretend to be your friend
Smiling faces show no traces of the evil that lurks within
Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes
They don’t tell the truth uh
Smiling faces, smiling faces
Tell lies and I got proof

The truth is in the eyes
Cause the eyes don’t lie, amen

♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪

Purple Reign

August 10th, 2011
10:19 am

I would dump someone if they did not get along with my close circle.

Reio

August 10th, 2011
10:20 am

@ Blackfoot – How can you be a good boss for your employees, at home? Just wondering.

Leggs

August 10th, 2011
10:20 am

How the heck do I know, BF…stop all that insinuating. You a trip (lol)!

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 10th, 2011
10:22 am

Hey Purple:
Those blinders are a mf, I’ve had my share of them. It also is a learning experience and if one don’t learn they will keep traveling on the same road.

Lovely Brown

August 10th, 2011
10:22 am

“Who the BLEEP Did I Marry- ITL, I love this show!

I have to think though, some folk must really have their heads in the clouds or there are some actors and actresses that have missed their calling in life :lol:

There are always signs, always!

Leggs

August 10th, 2011
10:23 am

Well one thing I know you will make up is your sleep. If you’re talking about that, yep you’ll make it up!

Reio

August 10th, 2011
10:24 am

@ Lovely Brown – I agree. Ca’nt hide crazy for long.