accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Should women offer to pay?

I received an email from a guy who is dating someone older than he is. He pursued her in the beginning and didn’t take issue with paying. Now that they are in an exclusive relationship, he expected her to offer to reciprocate more.

Since she supposedly makes more money then he does (he doesn’t know for sure), he wonders if not offering to pay is a sign of selfishness. He is apprehensive about bringing the topic up because he doesn’t want to come across as cheap. How should he handle it?

Do you think that women should offer to pay more often? Is it something men are expecting us to do in the early stages of dating?

When there is a difference in income, how do you navigate dating so that it is balanced and fair?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

419 comments Add your comment

Purple Reign

August 9th, 2011
1:45 pm

Well, I am offended when a woman offers to pay for me. That’s just me though. She should know that I am not going to let her pay unless she throws a fit and it’s my birthday. LOL

DreamsMaterialize

August 9th, 2011
1:45 pm

And ya’ll know though I ain’t taking care of no man right? Okay…just clarifying.
Celisea Stop playing. You know I been laying up on your couch playing xbox for like six months. oh and can you stop and get some more air freshener on your way home. I been blowin it up all day from that pot roast you made. ;-)

Sassy Me ;-)

August 9th, 2011
1:45 pm

“I think most men will appreciate the gesture to pay more so than actually paying”

I concur but I don’t have a problem paying OR if he pays for the meal then I leave the tip….I feel uncomfortable with a man paying the total bill and I want to let him know that he’s with someone who appreciates him and is willing to show it…. Plus that’s just how I do…

Celisea

August 9th, 2011
1:45 pm

Exactly Purp and Randyt

SlimNu

August 9th, 2011
1:45 pm

Purp – The beau has done that to me too…give me my card back and give the server his card.

Button

August 9th, 2011
1:46 pm

Randyt by saying thank you, your royal majesty. than I place another star on his crown.lol
just kidding….if you’re hinting at whether I put out or not, it’s absolutely NOT! I keep it simple and clean and say thank you and that’s it. Maybe I’m just fortunate enough to have dated guys where generous.

Celisea

August 9th, 2011
1:46 pm

You know I been laying up on your couch playing xbox for like six months. oh and can you stop and get some more air freshener on your way home. I been blowin it up all day from that pot roast you made.

Yeah that’s why the name Dreams huh? Riiiight.

SlimNu

August 9th, 2011
1:48 pm

Ok, so we’ve beaten the dinner dates to death…what is the code of ethic, so to speak, for taking a vacation together? If the guys invites or asks the chick to go on a vacation, does that mean he is offering the trip under an ‘all expenses paid’ notion? Or does that typically mean, transportation & hotel but everything else on her??

czBrat

August 9th, 2011
1:48 pm

ITL … you’re awesome! :)

i get what mike is saying. i think that’s just a man’s POV. no harm or insult intended, i’m sure. i’ve often had the discussion with s/o that marriage is like being taken off the shelf, tagged, bagged and hauled home. i think it’s a pretty big deal for a guy to give a woman his name. i think it gives both a certain sense of ownership. i guess i’ve simply learned not to look at it as a bad thing. HOWEVER …. that’s also why i’ve bucked getting remarried for so long. not a step to be taken lightly.

during the dating process, i think most of us get to that point where we feel and act like we’re already wed before actually exchanging vows. that transformation takes place in the heart, soul and actions naturally … if it’s truly what both want.

Purple Reign

August 9th, 2011
1:50 pm

Celisea, you told me that was your cousin asleep on the couch when I snuck in to play xbox.

The Reanimated Corpse of I'm Swiss (now with titanium-infused, bionic w@ng)

August 9th, 2011
1:51 pm

If I was on a date with a chick (especially early on) and she absolutely insisted on paying, I would just assume she wasn’t that into me & was making sure I knew she didn’t owe me anything… :lol:

Fion

August 9th, 2011
1:51 pm

Ladies, please let clarify my position. I’m a Man of Principle and Uncompromising Integrity.
I’m unimpressed by your money and can’t be bought, but I can be leased out from time to time.

Purple Reign

August 9th, 2011
1:51 pm

Slim, how do you invite a woman on vacation then expect her to pay for anything on that vacation? Besides she probably already spent alot buying the perfect clothing for everyday of the trip. LOL

Into the Light

August 9th, 2011
1:52 pm

i’ve often had the discussion with s/o that marriage is like being taken off the shelf, tagged, bagged and hauled home

LOL. Reminds me of that line from Steel Magnolias, “He’s from a good old southern family with good old southern values. You either shoot it, stuff it, or marry it.” :)

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 9th, 2011
1:56 pm

@ Button, no not asking or suggesting that a fancy dinner buys the goodies (although I’ve bought many where I would have been much better off staying at home with a beer and a good book frankly ;-) . I was just asking what specific kinds of things that you might do to make him feel like royalty also, if indeed you do.

DreamsMaterialize

August 9th, 2011
1:56 pm

Two different issues Dreams, two different issues
Celisea I wasn’t taking a stance for or against. All I was saying is that you should be targeting an audience that appreciates what YOU have to offer. If you’re looking in places where people don’t want what you’re selling, then you’re out of luck. Dating is easy. Oh and don’t front, you know why my name is Dreams. Ok, I’m done before people think I’m really shacking up at your spot. lol

The Reanimated Corpse of I'm Swiss (now with titanium-infused, bionic w@ng)

August 9th, 2011
1:57 pm

“If the guys invites or asks the chick to go on a vacation, does that mean he is offering the trip under an ‘all expenses paid’ notion? “

Slim — I think you should be able to assume an all-expenses paid trip, but if you don’t rock his world while there, you won’t be invited on any more vacations… :lol:

Leggs

August 9th, 2011
1:57 pm

@PR ~ I was thinking along if he invites me on vacation, he’s paying for my ticket and room. I’ll reciprocate with paying for dinner and breakfast on occasion and then, let’s keep it real, my sexual prowess (if I’m going because we like each other).

If we hanging as friends, it’s dutch.

Leggs

August 9th, 2011
1:58 pm

Purple Reign

August 9th, 2011
1:59 pm

Leggs, I am not close enough to a female friend to take them on vacation. If I take a woman on vacation that means she and I are “close” and have a good history. LOL

czBrat

August 9th, 2011
1:59 pm

You either shoot it, stuff it, or marry it.
whew! :wink:

SlimNu

August 9th, 2011
2:00 pm

What if you two collectively decide you want to take a vacation or small getaway? Is it still mainly the guy (for you guys who prefer to pay) that’s paying for the bulk of the trip…hotel, transportation (air, car, train, bus etc) as well as entertainment (excursions, dining or what have you)?

The Reanimated Corpse of I'm Swiss (now with titanium-infused, bionic w@ng)

August 9th, 2011
2:00 pm

Actually, it was a trip to Cancun with then-Swiss-Miss (our first together) that prompted me to go out & buy the ring as soon as we got back home. Mmm mmm mmm, that lil’ mama sexed me into submission on that trip — and had the whole resort jealous as hell, too :lol:

Into the Light

August 9th, 2011
2:01 pm

I agree with Leggs. If he invites me on vacation, he’s probably planning to pay. As a way to say thank you, I think it’s completely appropriate for me to pick up a dinner tab or two.

Into the Light

August 9th, 2011
2:03 pm

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 9th, 2011
2:04 pm

Vacations…I’m into road trips for the weekend early. The if we don’t kill each other, it is time to break out the Delta, Marriott, and AMEX points…compliments of my company sending me everywhere but home ;-)

Lady and I are going to Niagara and Toronto maybe next month for a long weekend. Maybe Paris or Zurich in the Spring or maybe London and take the train over to Paris. I love Paris. London is cool (except for right now unfortunately).

Button

August 9th, 2011
2:05 pm

As for vacation, if he suggests he pays and I expect to have my own room, I’ve been in that situation before, I suggested a get away and I paid for my own room and he paid for everything else.

Randyt, I don’t get where you’re coming from, I don’t do anything special to thank him other than saying thank you. I’ve been on dates where the guy would want to go “there” because he took me out and he was in for a surprise because I don’t get down like that. I know when I’ve met someone who values my time just as much as he values his and his expenses.

kimmie

August 9th, 2011
2:05 pm

Slim – If you decide together it’s a trip you want to take, then I would also ask right away how we are going to handle the expenses. You understand the man you are seeing, so you know how it’s probably going to roll, if you are at the point where you want to take a trip together.

SlimNu

August 9th, 2011
2:05 pm

So when a chick accepts a vacation offer, she needs to make sure she packs some ice packs, lube and gatorade? :lol: Otherwise, I suppose she should pay for her own room, Got It!

swiss – :lol:

Fion

August 9th, 2011
2:05 pm

@ Slim
If you feelin’ the dude and he’s feelin’ you, just ask him. Communicate. Nothing wrong with asking and seeking clarification.

kimmie

August 9th, 2011
2:09 pm

Just me, but I only accepted overnight trips from men I was very close to. So it was understood that we’d be in the same room and something was going to go down. No need for my own room. Otherwise, the most you would get out of me would be a day trip.

kimmie

August 9th, 2011
2:10 pm

Randyt – Those plans sound fabulous!!

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 9th, 2011
2:10 pm

@ Button, I was just suggesting that if the generous man is what you like, then being genrous to him (not sex, am talking about just being nice, interested, flatttering, maybe transparent…whatever attributes that you would want in an LTR partner.

I was basically just asking what “attributes” do you find important or attractive in a man, and what attributes do you bring to the table yourself. Sex is an entirely different matter in my mind…but then I’ve never really had to chase it for whatever reason. It just happens when and if the time is right.

Button

August 9th, 2011
2:10 pm

Fion you said a mouth full just now. The art of communication clears the air and punch down drag out all confusion.

Fion

August 9th, 2011
2:11 pm

@ Slims
P. S. And if you really like him, help him out with picking the right week. You know the one where you don’t visitors.

The Reanimated Corpse of I'm Swiss (now with titanium-infused, bionic w@ng)

August 9th, 2011
2:11 pm

Slim — Not coincidentally, we’ve got an return trip to Cancun coming up at the end of the month for our anniversary. :-D I’ve already started hydrating. :lol:

SlimNu

August 9th, 2011
2:12 pm

Fion – I know communication is key but I just want to know what folks expectations were because seems most of us have them, in some shape or form. So I suppose you mean expect her to have the big expenses handled if she invites YOU on a little getaway? lol

Into the Light

August 9th, 2011
2:12 pm

Randyt, I’m with you on the “let’s stick to a road trip early on, until we know how well we travel together” idea. You NEVER know how some people are until you get them out of their environment.

Celisea

August 9th, 2011
2:13 pm

PR – Celisea, you told me that was your cousin asleep on the couch when I snuck in to play xbox.

Don’t mind Dreams…”he’s just kidding” :)

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
2:13 pm

RAndy – I too have asked her what she brings to the relationship. She didn’t answer me either.

SlimNu

August 9th, 2011
2:15 pm

Fion – I bet that changes the whole dynamic of a trip knowing Aunt Flo is tagging along lol Seems to be the change in atmosphere that makes sex that much more fun when you’re in a strange place.

swiss – Don’t drink too much…we wouldn’t want anything to explode before you get a chance to allow her to make you explode :oops:

kimmie

August 9th, 2011
2:15 pm

I’m also with Leggs & Light, if a guy invited me on a trip, I would expect him to pay the bulk, but cover a few of the meals and/or entertainment myself.

Fion

August 9th, 2011
2:17 pm

@ Slim
No, not at all. On times where she has asked me to go away for the weekend, I still paid for my plane ticket and half the room. But, that’s me.
On the real, aye man, if you can’t ask staight out about expenses on a trip and it not be a big thing,
then man I don’t know.

Purple Reign

August 9th, 2011
2:17 pm

My friends and I have asked some women we just met to meet us in Curacao before. That meant we were going and if they wanted to come the needed to make their own arrangements to get there. They did and we had fun. LOL

SlimNu

August 9th, 2011
2:18 pm

meant ‘men’ not mean’

Button

August 9th, 2011
2:18 pm

The attributes I bring to the table is in harmony to the man I’m seriously dating, for one being our christian lifestyles, and the nack{sp} for having our own business which he already have and I hopefully one day in the near future. That’s why I mentioned valued time. I don’t waste my time or energy with someone I’m not in harmony with, and at the same token I wouldn’t waste (his) time either, it’s useless and too much stress.

Leggs

August 9th, 2011
2:19 pm

I had a gf that was invited to Hawaii about 2 years ago. She was nervous. And old boyfriend from H.S. She’s been in communication with on and off over the years. She wanted to go, but didn’t want to give up her “honey pot.” I told her to stay her behind home because no dude is going to invite you to Hawaii, all expense paid, not try for you to drop your drawers. If you don’t plan on having sex talk to him about it before boarding that plane! She went, she mounted, and she came back smiling!!!

Purple Reign

August 9th, 2011
2:20 pm

Once again that is why a man needs a good filter, you cant just go paying for everything for every woman. If she has passed my test she deserves whatever I have to offer. But if she is just a fling, I am not paying for anything nor will we ever be in any situation that would require me to pay for anything other than condoms, a hotel room and #3 Super-sized from McDonalds….cheese is based on her performance.

Button

August 9th, 2011
2:22 pm

Purple you just dropped a bag full of GEMS!! :)

Fion

August 9th, 2011
2:22 pm

@Purp
Hold up Man! Applebee’s has the 2- for $20 Purp. Upgrade from that #3 Super sized.