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Should women offer to pay?

I received an email from a guy who is dating someone older than he is. He pursued her in the beginning and didn’t take issue with paying. Now that they are in an exclusive relationship, he expected her to offer to reciprocate more.

Since she supposedly makes more money then he does (he doesn’t know for sure), he wonders if not offering to pay is a sign of selfishness. He is apprehensive about bringing the topic up because he doesn’t want to come across as cheap. How should he handle it?

Do you think that women should offer to pay more often? Is it something men are expecting us to do in the early stages of dating?

When there is a difference in income, how do you navigate dating so that it is balanced and fair?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

419 comments Add your comment

Leggs

August 9th, 2011
12:49 pm

@SC ~ another way of saying be a lady at all times….no matter what the circumstance!

Fion

August 9th, 2011
12:49 pm

“Do you think that women should offer to pay more often? Is it something men are expecting us to do in the early stages of dating?”

Picking up the check for the Man with options is nothing new ladies, after all he knows it’s his money. The trick is what do you bring to the table to enhance his world not currently present.
Don’t get it twisted. All my Grown Folk. You know, you know the game.

Just sayin’

Celisea

August 9th, 2011
12:49 pm

Men are born pursurers, leaders, protectors and providers…in all faucets of life. How can a man naturally take the lead in some arenas but in others, keep count?

I don’t believe in “let the good times roll” at the expense of others either so I too will opt out of hanging without zero ounce of potential. However, I tend to believe that things don’t just “start up” on a whim. Whatever pattern set during our courting/dating phase will only transcend into the more serious/permanent stages. Frankly don’t look to me to taking the “half” stance…..half the rent, half the mortgage, half the car note, half the bills, half the groceries. No, there’s yours, here’s mine together it’s one pot. You being the man though, Imma trust you to carry the pot and handle your (being yours mine ours) business.

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
12:51 pm

Leggs – I knew that…but er, um…after that whole “woman is a possession” line and then that, I’m like, “Dude…really?!?!”

SlimGoody – straight nutcase. LIKES this!!! (lol)

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
12:53 pm

Cel – I’m not saying “pay half.” I’m just saying treat sometimes. That is all.

Willie Dynamite

August 9th, 2011
12:54 pm

I see it as a vicious unrepenting cycle. If/When you start keeping score then you are deep in the game and have already lost. The Man comes to expect something after dropping $$$ after a few dates. The Woman expects to get a few entertainment $$$ dropped in the name of courting before she puts out. Either way it has no long term future and just repeats itself. If you look at it probably over half the dating pool is in this cycle. The other half runs into them quite frequently and either gets turned off by the whole process (bitter) or finds out how to navigate in there own lane.

Leggs

August 9th, 2011
12:54 pm

@SlimNu ~ she already knew that (lol).

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
12:55 pm

And for those who believes that a man should ALWAYS pay, does a woman ALWAYS cook and do all the cleaning and all the laundry and so on and so on?

BlackMagicWoman...in NYC

August 9th, 2011
12:56 pm

“consistency of her application of femininity in all circumstances”

So am I supposed to play the damsel in distress just so a boy can feel like a man? GTHOH :roll:

I am not a possession, property or an item. I am a grown woman who works hard to take care of my lifestyle. A man is an accessory not a necessity! I am complete, so adding a man to my life is adding another part…another book to my series.

Submit is a dirty word in my book. It means weak, docile, and doormat. I am SO far from that and proud of it! So if a guy cannot except me as an equal partner, then he is NOT worthy of me. Those “Am I Man” types are put in the category of: http://www.kissmya$$.com :lol:

Into the Light

August 9th, 2011
12:58 pm

I still don’t understand how the question: Are you saying that a man must feel that a woman is exclusively his/his possession in order to love her truly and fully??
got the response: Yes! that’s why real men don’t marry whores

Unless my man feels that I am his possession he can’t love and marry me, ergo I am a whore??

joe cool

August 9th, 2011
1:04 pm

MAN UP!!!! IT’S 2011.. SHE GETS WORKS AND GETS PAID JUST LIKE U DO.. ENOOUGH FREE LOADING. PAY AS U PLAY.. POPCORN PLAYA

Mike P

August 9th, 2011
1:05 pm

@BlackMagicWoman: So am I supposed to play the damsel in distress just so a boy can feel like a man? GTHOH :roll: who said anything about playing the damsel in distress??

I was coming from a standpoint of GOD creating eve to be Adam’s helpmate, She was made for him, his purpose. It it through your Adam do you get back to GOD, only way for you do this is to submit to your man, so who would you choose, the Rocko type or loving type? Choose wisely, choose better.

@leggs: thank you for the clarification.

Mike P

August 9th, 2011
1:12 pm

@Into the Light : men don’t and will never love a whore because she belongs to every man. men who love their woman are much less likely to forgive her if she cheats on him because in his mind, he no longer have exclusively, meaning less possession, meaning less freedom to love her. He has to “share” her with another or others, and in the back of his mind, a whore.

Purple Reign

August 9th, 2011
1:12 pm

Should a woman offer to pay at all? No! ,

Button

August 9th, 2011
1:15 pm

Sexy your question is rather redundant @ 12ish and 12:55.

I do what works for me now as I did in the past. Again I see nothing wrong with a man paying for the dates, NOTHING and if you feel obliged to pay for a date or two or three then by all means do it!

Mike P

August 9th, 2011
1:17 pm

In to the light: Unless my man feels that I am his possession he can’t love and marry me, ergo I am a whore??

No, what was said in the conversation was: the more a woman submits to her man, the more he has “ownership” the more freedom he has to love her, He becomes more protective, supportive, and an enthused, generous provider of her and to her.

Button

August 9th, 2011
1:17 pm

I would not date a guy who is okay with me paying for a date. No way no how!

Fion

August 9th, 2011
1:18 pm

Eat the Damn Cake then Annie Mae. Just eat the damn Cake!

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
1:18 pm

Yeah…no…not seeing the redudant question.
But..um…yeah…okay…what you said.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 9th, 2011
1:18 pm

@ cba re “Randyt, that’s why we are on the Titanic, we wanted the 15 room mansion, fully furnitured but we only had funds for a 2 room bungalow.”

EXACTLY!!! That isn’t microeconomics, that is 5th grade math. How they can’t understand this simple concept is beyond me.

Leggs

August 9th, 2011
1:19 pm

WOW, this is turning into a comedy skit!

@Button ~ no sweat, to each their own!

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
1:20 pm

MikeP – you mean “ownership” as in more of a buy-in, taking ownership as in taking responsibility. Not as an actual possession or a thing like a car or a house, right?

Into the Light

August 9th, 2011
1:21 pm

MikeP, maybe we’re disagreeing on the semantics of what you mean by ownership….

Into the Light

August 9th, 2011
1:24 pm

Actually, SC clarified the question better than I did. :)

Button

August 9th, 2011
1:25 pm

Leggs that’s what I thought this blog was about – our personal experience or opinon, instead it’s a constant battle.

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
1:28 pm

I just know that if I invited my sweetie out when we were dating, I didn’t mind paying because I didn’t want to send the message that I was inviting his wallet out to sponsor something that I wanted to do.

Now…basically, it all comes from the same pot so it doesn’t matter who makes the physical display of pulling out the cash.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 9th, 2011
1:28 pm

@ Button

You seem very comfortable with your stance and I’m not going to judge because it is “whatever floats your boat” (gee some of the people on here eat brocolli…how the hellz do you do that ;-) ? )

That said, I have heard a number of times that to find the kind of person you want to be with, you have to become the same person…or at least that works the best when “hunting”. So I am guessing that if you want to be treated like a queen (and nothing wrong with that), you are comfortable treating him like a King> Would that be a fair asseement. If so, what ways do you do this?

czBrat

August 9th, 2011
1:29 pm

HiYas!

what am i missing? good stuff today? simply put, if i invite, i pay. most of the time he refuses to let me do that, but i insist. because i want to.

what’s up with the “submit”, “possession” and “whore” discussion(s). i have no problem with submission or a sense of ownership in a relationship, but where’s the whore element coming into play?

Leggs

August 9th, 2011
1:32 pm

@Button ~ who’s battling? I simply said “to each their own” Many here have different views toward paying. You are adamant about yours with no crevice for compromise to seep in. That’s your stance, that’s your stance!

Celisea

August 9th, 2011
1:32 pm

I don’t think I’ve objected to reciprocating and appreciating being apprecatied. I think something is wrong if you’re always on the receiving end and feel no kind of way about that. I’m just not with dudes that’s keeping score and all this talk about it’s time to pay up. What’s that all about? I think a dude that will allow me to regularly pay will allow me to take care of him. IMO (not a man but this is what I think)….I think most men will appreciate the gesture to pay more so than actually paying

Into the Light

August 9th, 2011
1:32 pm

cz: Read Mike P’s 12:21, my 12:24, and MikeP’s 12:36 response

Celisea

August 9th, 2011
1:33 pm

And ya’ll know though I ain’t taking care of no man right? Okay…just clarifying.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 9th, 2011
1:33 pm

Regarding “possessions”, I kind of feel that in a successful long term relationship you sort of “own” each other. I know for me, I don’t want to be “sharing the lady’s goodies” with anyone…and she feels the same way about my body, which I am comfortable with. We sort of laugh when I talk like I own her body, which she freely hands over “ownership” of, and I do the same. Her comment is that I better eat better, work out, and stay healthy becasue she expects to “own” me for a long time ;-)

Celisea

August 9th, 2011
1:34 pm

And while I might not pick up the tab often (cause nope that ain’t happening), I know how to show appreciate for a man well deserving.

Celisea

August 9th, 2011
1:34 pm

“appreciation”

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
1:35 pm

Cel – well in that case, seems as if we are just about >here< as we tend to be most often.

Celisea

August 9th, 2011
1:36 pm

Off topic, I was commenting how “fat” I’m getting and this guy (the new guy) said something or other to “what you say about me” in jest…then said “btw….you are NOT fat” :) :) :)

Mike P

August 9th, 2011
1:36 pm

yes… think of it this way… Two men work for a company(same job title); one man “takes” ownership in his job, the other man simply works for a paycheck. The man who takes “ownership” in his job, stakes claim, is more responsible, and is concern about maintaining a good working relationship with the company, he works harder, enjoys his job or even loves what he does. Having that kind of ownership in a company can allow (the conditions are right) the man to be promoted within, moving higher and higher in the working relationship building value for all parties involved… The other man stagnates in his position, get bitter, or simply quits, giving up on the relationship… This scenario is not much different then the “working’ relationship of a man and a woman. When the man takes ownership of the women (after she willingly submits to him), the relationship grows higher and higher with increasing value for all parties involved.

I’m off to a late lunch blog folks :)

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 9th, 2011
1:36 pm

@ Celisea re: “I think most men will appreciate the gesture to pay more so than actually paying”

Exactly.

Celisea

August 9th, 2011
1:36 pm

SexyC – Yep, I got what you’re saying….and most at that. Just these folks tombout “Itsa new day, time for women to pay!” LOL

DreamsMaterialize

August 9th, 2011
1:37 pm

Hey Everyone

Sometimes I just wonder why we make dating so hard. It really isn’t that difficult. If dude wants his woman to pay sometimes, all he has to do it address it. He’ll either get agreement or objection, at which point he has a choice to make. Dating is so easy. Figure out who you are, what you like, and project that confidently. Know that there are people out there who will love you exactly as you are. The key is to find that audience. Pitch your product to those in the market for what you’re selling. If you think women should pay sometimes, and your pitching that to the “I never pay. Men should pay my bills” crowd, then your sales conversion will be zero. Marketing 101.

Sassy Me ;-)

August 9th, 2011
1:38 pm

Eat the Damn Cake then Annie Mae…

I don’t want no cake Ike….

Sexy all I could do was :lol: at your 1:18…for obvious reasons… I know right?!

The Reanimated Corpse of I'm Swiss (now with titanium-infused, bionic w@ng)

August 9th, 2011
1:39 pm

Afternoon, folks.

On topic: I alway pay, period. I would be embarrassed to let a woman pick up the check for me — the only possible exception being maybe if she’s taking me out for my birthday or something, but even then I feel a little weird. But that’s just me. To my mind, that’s just part of the deal when you’re a man, and if you don’t like it, stop going on dates for a while, save up some of that cash & get yourself a “reverse Chaz Bono” & maybe you can have somebody pick up the tab for you. :lol:

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
1:39 pm

SassyBlack – yep. (lol)

The Reanimated Corpse of I'm Swiss (now with titanium-infused, bionic w@ng)

August 9th, 2011
1:39 pm

Purple Reign

August 9th, 2011
1:39 pm

Now my wife has taken me out before and paid for everything. Put me on the passenger side, ordered for me and paid the bill. She would not even let me tip either. She got a little upset that I still tried to pay the bill other times she has given the server her card and I then gave the server my card and took hers back. She didn’t like that I did that but then again she did like it and gave me a smile.

Celisea

August 9th, 2011
1:42 pm

I sort of equate men paying/leading or the idea thereof to a heated debate I had with a cousin some years ago.

We all started out laughing and joning (not sure how to spell that) and she hit a touchy subject with me….single parent and taking care of my kid. Boy did I get hot in like 2 seconds. I was neck rolling and letting her know she didn’t know me, nothing about me, that I handled mine, was a good mother and a better example…that of couse she was all high and mighty cause she hadn’t experienced nothing, blah blah blah. She calmly waited until I was done and was like…you get no hero cookies for what’s your duty to do. You and all of America are taking care of their kids. When you do something extra and beyond parenting talk to me then. Now, I know for certain she wasn’t belittle the job of parenting and raising kids but it’s almost like wanting extras for doing what I should be doing. Boy talk about eye opening. THAT’S how I see men complaining about picking up tabs and stuff. Your turn my turn…what is that?? YOU’RE A MAN….get it done

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 9th, 2011
1:43 pm

@ Mike P. I heard a story many years ago about the same thing in your 1:36. A group of railroad employees were working beside the tracks with shovels when the fanciest rail car in the line stopped right beside them. The President of the company stuck his head out and smiled at one of the workers and said “Hey Jim, how are you?”? Jim smiled back and they exhanged pleasantries. When the train moved on, one of the workers asked Jim if he knew the President of the RR company. He replied that they had started on the same day many years ago. One of them asked how one was still working on the side of the railroad track while the other was now President. He replied, “I went to work for $2 and hour, he went to work for the railroad.”

Dynamic

August 9th, 2011
1:43 pm

Finances are such a hard topic to have with others. You also have to take into account some women who have been taught by their parents that a man should always be a provider. I’v heard the arguement that men are naturally providers and women are natural receivers….

If I am in a committed monagamous relationship with a man and it’s your birthday or something special that I want to do for you then I do pay. I have never been asked by a man to pay, and I agree it comes off as crass.

Celisea

August 9th, 2011
1:44 pm

your pitching that to the “I never pay. Men should pay my bills” crowd,

Two different issues Dreams, two different issues