accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Should women offer to pay?

I received an email from a guy who is dating someone older than he is. He pursued her in the beginning and didn’t take issue with paying. Now that they are in an exclusive relationship, he expected her to offer to reciprocate more.

Since she supposedly makes more money then he does (he doesn’t know for sure), he wonders if not offering to pay is a sign of selfishness. He is apprehensive about bringing the topic up because he doesn’t want to come across as cheap. How should he handle it?

Do you think that women should offer to pay more often? Is it something men are expecting us to do in the early stages of dating?

When there is a difference in income, how do you navigate dating so that it is balanced and fair?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

419 comments Add your comment

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 9th, 2011
10:49 am

At abc, for me, the investment I was referring to was is she someone I want to be in a relationship with for a long time. Sex isn’t part of the equation for me. That either happens or does not happen in its own time. My point is that if one is looking for a potential LTR or even marriage, then dating costs are a small investment in something far bigger.

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
10:51 am

As to the topic of the day – when I was interested in a relationship, I didn’t mind paying.

However, since I felt funny about letting guys that I was not interested in *sponsor* me for an evening out, I very rarely went out with guys *for entertainment purposes only.*

“For a broke chick, ain’t no place like home.”

Exiled!

August 9th, 2011
10:54 am

Good morning!

Yes,Kimmie is on point like most of u are.

But fellas,if she ain’t flinching as far as paying or contributing is concerned may be she’s giving u a subtle sign that she will pay in some other way.

So it’s not entirely a loss_ loss,tho not relationship potential or chance here.

So just Hit the bootey and run!

Have a nice day. :lol:

kimmie

August 9th, 2011
10:54 am

Randyt – Your transitional state you were in that you described in your 10:33. That’s actually what they were talking about on the radio show Wise referenced for yesterday’s topic. For you it was a temporary thing. For some, it seems they are in a perpetual state of transition, a “project” for anyone that decides to deal with them.

The woman you described sounds really nice.

ATL Guy

August 9th, 2011
10:55 am

When I’m in NYC I would much rather have a date walking around Tribeca on the streets on a date than sitting in some stuffy French Restaurant where you can’t truly relax. I’m in my 20’s, but used to meet women in Buckhead at Bars or Lounges. First question is always “what do you do?” It defines who you are in many ways. I would shy away from discussing my import trend car, my house, or the 2 beach condos in Florida. I don’t want this stuff to make the impression on a person first time where they expect everything up front. Best Dates are when they’re not forced

abc

August 9th, 2011
10:56 am

I know chicks that go on dates with pretty much just about anyone, regardless of interest, just for the entertainment value. They figure they at least have some form of social life. Pretty sad, really, for everyone involved.

I get what you’re saying Randy. I suppose my determination to pay for everything could be construed as demonstration of my ability to provide, trying to make myself more attractive, especially in a relationship’s beginning.

kimmie

August 9th, 2011
10:58 am

SCool – Your 10:51, that was me all the way. I was never hungry enough to go out with a guy I was not interested in at all just to get a free meal. Some people told me I was crazy, but I just couldn’t do it. If I had to live on peanut butter sandwiches, so be it, and I did quite happily. Plus, I had plenty family and friends around that would not let me go hungry.

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
11:08 am

And I know we’re talking about dating…but er, um…just Friday, I was wondering why most of my folks always want to do stuff that involves going out and spending money. Not that we are having money problems. I just don’t get what happened to just getting together at someone’s house and cooling out with a few drinks and conversation, maybe some cards.

kimmie

August 9th, 2011
11:10 am

SCool – Those evenings at the house are usually the most fun anyway.

ATL Guy

August 9th, 2011
11:15 am

I was talking to my g/f yesterday afternoon about how much the Stock Market is dropping under this Govt Administration who can’t seem to show any initiative or accountability. She told me that if we lost everything tomorrow that it wouldn’t matter because she’d still have me in her life. She totally meant that and I was awe-struck by such a simple yet complex comment. Very Blessed

Leggs

August 9th, 2011
11:17 am

I believe the Cold Cut Artist of the day is Whitney Houston for any of you who are playing.

Leggs

August 9th, 2011
11:19 am

Yes, you are Blessed, ATL! Never take it for granted and you’ll be just fine!

ME

August 9th, 2011
11:20 am

“Should” they offer to pay? No. Do I mind IF they do? Not at all… Personally, I would rarely accept the offer but, if they wish to make that offer, I certainly wouldn’t be offended.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 9th, 2011
11:21 am

Glad for ya ATL guy. That’s great. It was the “…for poorer” that drove the final nail in my marriage’s coffin. Followed quickly by “really poorer”. ;-)

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 9th, 2011
11:23 am

@ ATL Guy…read a funny post in another blog. (equally offends all parties so should be okay). It said

“Watching the Democrats and the Republicans arguing in Washington is like watching two drunks arguing over the bar bill on the Titanic”.

Really close to reality unfortunately.

ATL Guy

August 9th, 2011
11:29 am

LoL so True!

MsMarriedUp

August 9th, 2011
11:35 am

to @ Celisea “got a sister on the plantation these days” too funny…but the absolute point that speaks to the question. My apologies…typing quick here, however, just as said, it’s not about take, take, take… it about helping our men be men. I’m sorry, but men waiting on, or even expecting a woman to pay is missing the point of the whole reason for dating.
You date because you expect this to be your mate. Now if you want to carry it like a friendship, which is fine… then fine, I’ll pay. Perhaps one day we’ll be more than friends, though I would’ve have highly doubted it back when I was dating. Which answers another question asked. I have no probleme with enjoy friendship and laying out here and there for this and that, but I, myself, have never found a man attractive who was looking for me to may my half. This is the first line that in my experience *@!*’s things up later on down the road. Gotta set the pace early on, and yes it starts with the first date.

cba

August 9th, 2011
11:42 am

Yeah Randyt, Titanic indeed….I’ll have to remember that one.

Leggs

August 9th, 2011
11:42 am

@MsMarriedUp ~ I understand what you’re saying, but when you say “You date because you expect this to be your mate,” isn’t she also dating with the expectaiton of this being her mate. What’s wrong with her paying sometimes??? It doesn’t mess up the “natural order” of things, because, if that was the case, “reciprocate” wouldn’t be in the dictionary.

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
11:42 am

Well…since you Married *Up*, I can see how you would have the expectation that your date always paid especially as he appeared to have been in a better position to do so.

And I’m not saying that your viewpoint is wrong, it’s what worked for you. For me, it was different. It was about letting him see that I was prepared to meet him where he was and that I didn’t see him as a potential sponsor for life, but as a potential partner for life.

Button

August 9th, 2011
11:43 am

I believe that the man should pay for all the dates, my boyfriend pays for every single thing even down to the 10 cent bubble gum. A man has to show the woman that he is capable of taking care of her/houshold and by paying for dates sets the trend. At the end of our date I ALWAYS thank my bf too. I personally think it’s offensive for a woman to offer to pay for a date, what are you trying to prove? Let a man be a man and let him woo you.

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
11:45 am

I was going to refrain from commenting on the Titanic analogy. However, I offer this:

The thing about the Titanic is that folks that had access to a lifeboat came out of the ordeal just fine.

BlackMagicWoman...in NYC

August 9th, 2011
11:46 am

Well I was taught not to depend on a man for anything. I was also taught that it is gentlemanly for the guy to pay, but if not all the time. If you are spending a lot of time together and you are always going out, then yes you (the lasy) should pay. I feel that if I ask a guy to go somewhere…I am paying. I’ve had some guys who even then, had a problem with me paying. But of course I insisted.

Also, I feel that sometimes, some guys feel like you “owe” them something. Please, Coke & a smile nor a Happy meal will open the Pearlie Gates! :lol:

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
11:47 am

Now I’m taking away my man’s manhood cause I paid for a filet?!?

Um..yeah…no…my man’s wallet is not the only thing that makes him a man.

Button

August 9th, 2011
11:48 am

I’m already paying for the date by getting my nails, hair and or outfit for the date. That bill alone can go thru the ceiling. and to go in on the dinner/entertainment too?? that’s asinine! Oh and if kids are involved, then there’s the sitter’s charge.

Mike P

August 9th, 2011
11:49 am

Good Morning All,

The following statement applies to causal dating, hookups and encounters:
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the person who pays should be the same one who’s doing the asking. Everybody is out to get there needs/desires met, so who ever “wants” it more is the one who gonna be doing the asking there is the one who’s gonna pay regardless of gender, PERIOD!!!

Any man who has an honest, sincere, romantic interest in a lady (read a real woman) should always take the initiative to do all the asking for the date, thereby doing all the paying, making sure she understands and appreciates your loving intent. Never date a female who isn’t a lady (in attitude, attire, and behavior), you’ll be a wasting time and money.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 9th, 2011
11:50 am

I took a lady out, while still climbing out of my poor days. We went to the Cheesecake Factory, and she kept ordering drinks and wine spritzers (not hard to take a $30 food bill to over a $100 that way, I promise you). She offerred to pay for our next date, which turned out to be a picnic at Stone Mountain. So her cost was the cost of two delis from Publix and a bottle of wine. ;-) $120/$16. No big deal though. LOL.

Button

August 9th, 2011
11:51 am

You said the key word Sexy “only” I’m noway saying that money is the sole of a man’s manhood.

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
11:51 am

And what about him getting his hair cut, car washed, shoes shined…???
And I don’t have children so….

You know what? Never mind.

Again – do what works for you.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 9th, 2011
11:53 am

@ Sexy Cool…re “wallet”. In one of his live shows, Robin Williams asked a guy in the audience about his marital status. He replied “divorced”. Robin then said, “ahhh divorce, from the ancient Roman word meaning to remove a man’s testicles through his wallet”. ;-)

cba

August 9th, 2011
11:54 am

I have always stressed to my daughter the importance of education and constantly learning so that it’s possible for her to provide for herself. If she finds a man that can provide or assist her, that icing on the cake. I sure as hell don’t want her expecting a man to provide for her total financial needs. Even Ms Gates had a job before she married Bill.

Button

August 9th, 2011
11:54 am

I agree Mike P

Mike P

August 9th, 2011
11:56 am

@BlackMagicWoman: the pearly gates should be your pleasing attitude and pretty smile and not puuntang. Think about it, why would I work for sumthing I can get for free? (supply outpaces demand). Punntang is overpriced and therefore women who hold this as the ulitmate prize seem only lower the own “market value.”

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
11:57 am

cba – Church.

Button

August 9th, 2011
11:57 am

It has been working. The debate is huge and no one really has the answer. I know some are fine with paying/splitting the bill, while others won’t even dare go there.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 9th, 2011
12:01 pm

@ cba. My mom and stepfathr, and my father before he died were in a generation that men provided and the lady stayed home. However thaalso meant maybe a small 3 Br home with one bath and a carport. My first house was a new 3 br, two bath, double garage, and wall to wall carpet, with cable tv and two cars in the garage.

My point is that if a man has to prove he can support the lady on his own, then don’t expect a mansion with 15 rooms. Most “standard living” these days is premised on two incomes. It is what it is.

ATL Guy

August 9th, 2011
12:01 pm

Button – are you trying to be an Accessory Date!? You sound High Maintenance !!! I would tell you to buy your own Trident Gum for your bad breath … then I’d ask you for a piece

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
12:05 pm

Randy – ThatIsTheTruth.com

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
12:08 pm

MikeP – what do you expect a woman to bring to a relationship? And how do assess whether or not she meets your expectations?

BlackMagicWoman...in NYC

August 9th, 2011
12:08 pm

MIKE P….some women spread the cookies around like snacks at a daycare! Now obviously, there is a great value to it because a good amount of immature boys parading as men that are lying, cheating, game playing and stealing to get a cookie as if it the last cookie on earth!

Now I do not equate dates to booty. But some people do. So hence the reason I will always have money to pay my own way.

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
12:10 pm

Button – similar question for you – what are you bringing to a relationship besides having “everything did” and a cute outfit and some kids? And how do you assure your interest of those things?

cba

August 9th, 2011
12:10 pm

Randyt, that’s why we are on the Titanic, we wanted the 15 room mansion, fully furnitured but we only had funds for a 2 room bungalow. :-)

Into the Light

August 9th, 2011
12:18 pm

Afternoon, all!

I didn’t see him as a potential sponsor for life, but as a potential partner for life.
co-sign, all in caps, and bolded.

Mike P

August 9th, 2011
12:21 pm

Hmm… I just had an interesting conversation with some folks in my office, check it….
Here’s something for the ladies to think about…

This is especially true with younger, higher testosterone filled men moreso than older, established, more experienced men:

The more a man is free to possess, the more he can freely love the person, place, or thing.
If a man possess a “hot” car, he is free to love his car, much more so then some who don’t own that same car. A man is happier and loves his job when he takes ownership or possesses his job. It would be no different then with his woman> If a woman is too independent to submit to her man, then he will be hesitant to love her truly (exclusivity) because he can’t possess her (not in a slave kinda way but in a “taking ownership” kinda way). Psychologically, he would need and be forced to take care of her much the same way he take care of himself (assuming he takes care of himself lol).

cba

August 9th, 2011
12:22 pm

BMW, I’ve gotta add your, “like snacks at a daycare” with ” like government cheese” that I saw someone posted on here awhile back :lol:

Into the Light

August 9th, 2011
12:24 pm

MikeP: I don’t understand the logic here. Are you saying that a man must feel that a woman is exclusively his/his possession in order to love her truly and fully??

Willie Dynamite

August 9th, 2011
12:27 pm

Afternoon All,

Timeless debate but interesting comments so far. As for me, I can see both sides of the issue. Personally I never mae it an issue when dating. Thankfully at a very young age I developed (probably over-developed) spidey senses to weed out the ‘in need of a sponsor’ chicks. I seldom went on typical dates. I and my friends entertained a lot at home and usually everything went through that route. I would occasionally fancy someone that I wanted to get to know better. I really like conversing with Women and found that a nice stroll through the park would give me the opportunity to find out what I needed to know. Once I found that out and wanted more I had no problem going out and paying for dates. It was part of the deal and to be expected. I would of course find it refreshing if she offered after a few times out or even offed to pay the tip.
If anything I’ll say that its someone for everyone. If you have a problem paying for every date as a man then you’d better change up your filter and do a better job and finding your target audience.

Mike P

August 9th, 2011
12:36 pm

@SexyCool: it depends on what I am looking for at the time. If I were to be looking for a good time, I wouldn’t be looking for too much in the female in terms of character. But if I were looking for wifey, I would note her: (1) overall mental attitude, (2) agreeableness, (3) level of warmth & kindness towards me and others, (4) Her relationship with her father (father figure), (5) consistency of her application of femininity in all circumstances, (6) her desire to be mother, wife, and helpmate.

@In to the light: Yes! that’s why real men don’t marry whores (well at least historically, Biblical-y, Qua’anic-aly).

SexyCool

August 9th, 2011
12:40 pm

“consistency of her application of femininity in all circumstances”

Huh?!?

SlimNu

August 9th, 2011
12:48 pm

“consistency of her application of femininity in all circumstances”

SC – That’s the ratio of matching sexy bra and panty days versus granny panty days :lol:

The ratio of hair nicely done and kept days versus seeing her ass around the house in that raggedy head rag days

The ratio of come to bed in sexy nighties versus dragging yo stank behind to bed in that oversized t-shirt with holes and stains on it days..