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Dating is not project management

I happened to catch a snippet of the Frank and Wanda radio show on TV the other night. I paused when I heard them describe men in Atlanta as Ikea Men, i.e. men you have to “put together” or assemble.

Apparently one of the callers had used this term and it caused a couple of laughs, but it kind of saddened me. I have a sense of humor, of course, but I was most bothered by the idea that some women in Atlanta consider dating to be some kind of project management.

Do you think that calling men projects or Ikea men is the way to a man’s heart?! I don’t get it. Whatever happened to, you know,
simply accepting a person for who they are – not who you want them to be?

What’s really sad is that women who don’t feel this way have to contend with this later. They have already met the women in Atlanta that goes around calling them Ikea Men. The type that made them feel less than just makes them bitter for the next woman. Am I the only one that sees this annoying trend?

It probably would be funny if it wasn’t so ridiculously frustrating to encounter men have dated those egomaniacal women and expect the same treatment.

I don’t want to point fingers and go on a scream tour of who’s to blame, but how do we get past it?

When you encounter people with bad attitudes and unhealthy views about relationships, how do you handle it?

Do you cut your losses and save your energy for someone who sees things the way you do?

If men in Atlanta are projects that have to be together, what do you think that makes women? Bob the Builder? Yeah, that’s sexy.

216 comments Add your comment

Reio

August 8th, 2011
10:28 am

@ Leggs : Chris is on to something, in my opinion. While single and dating, I encountered a number of women that seemed to love going out ALL of the time, and could’nt understand how i could get much pleasure out of reading books so much. Could’nt understand why I valued education so much. Why I did’nt talk so much about sex as other guys. Never knew what to say beyond “hit the road”. Or “see ya”

SlimNu

August 8th, 2011
10:30 am

Chris – Maybe you should stop hanging out on music video sets lol…what age group pool are you trying to take a dip in? Personally, it irritates me to see dudes with their pants hang round their knees, showing their dingy boxers and waddling like a penguin with they walk. Send me a pic so the WLB can maybe get a more insiders scoop to what the issues might be ;-)

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 8th, 2011
10:32 am

After reflecting on this, people should establish BOUNDARIES but not try to change the other. Just let the other know what is and is not acceptable, then the other must make the decision to change themselves…or lace on the New Balances and hit the road. IMHO

Leggs

August 8th, 2011
10:34 am

@Reio ~ personally, I think a woman who loves going out all the time should be shunned. You can learn many facets of a person by staying home, reading a book, even being silent. Spending $$ on dinner, drinks and dancing is ok every once in a while, but every weekend. Never wanted a man who wanted to do this. To do so is simply to use elements of the outside world as a filler and not trying to let me know you as person or you know me.

kimmie

August 8th, 2011
10:35 am

Slim – Yep, sounds like someone is dating amongst the space cadets. Sound like that was the case for Reio too, when he was single. Or so they claim!LOL!!

Reio

August 8th, 2011
10:39 am

@ Kimmie : I agree. As I single man, I was younger, and so were they. I grew and learned. Did’nt change though.

abc

August 8th, 2011
10:39 am

It might be interesting (or comical) to hear some of the changes that chicks would try to impress upon the so-called ‘IKEA Man’.

kimmie

August 8th, 2011
10:43 am

Randyt – Not saying I’m right, but read my 10:17. I heard the radio broadcast Wise is talking about. It had another twist on the topic. It was really about meeting men(and you insert women as well) that don’t have it all together in their lives. You have to “work” with them to make them dateable. Like picking someone off the side of the street and dusting them off.

Not meeting a perfectly decent, together Randyt and saying “Randyt would be perfect if only he would change his haircut or attend a different church or eat more Thai food, etc”.

SlimNu

August 8th, 2011
10:43 am

Reio – I love to read…and I have no interest in guys that go out all the time…Heyal, I don’t even have many female friends that still do the clubbing every weekend thing. That club stuff gets old pretty quickly to me.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 8th, 2011
10:43 am

Women that think men are “Ikea” projects seem to be a little self-absorbed maybe. Is it “all about them?” Most reform in relationships needs to start with “The Man (or Woman) In the Mirror”.

Seems to me it is easier to find men with the qualities they want, rather than to try to “rehab” one that doesn’t.

Purple Reign

August 8th, 2011
10:45 am

There is something to be said about someone who finds something wrong with the majority of the people they meet.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 8th, 2011
10:46 am

@ Kimmie

Are you saying my current lady should expect me to start eating brocolli…ain’t happening Babe LOL. Those trees look lethal to me, I’d take a gun or knife fight anytime. ;-)

Michael P.

August 8th, 2011
10:47 am

Hey Kimmie, I know what your saying. Before I met my wife, I dated a women who lives in Alabama.
We met online and were getting along well, and I finally went to see her for our first face-to-face. Now, in my post on the dating site where we met, I stated that I was “spiritual and not religous”, and more specifically, that I had spent 30 years finding my God, and that I WAS NOT willing to change that aspect of my life for anything or anybody.
I spend the weekend in Alabama so we could have a couple of days together, and she asked if I would come to church with her on Sunday. This probably should have raised a red flag with me, but I thought, what the hell. We went to church, and later went for breakfast.
Well, after I returned home to Georgia, she began asking me in her emails and by phone what I had though of her church, which was Greek Orthodox, and she began to constantly point out the very few similarities of her church to my spirituallity. I told her it was a nice church, but that I already had a God, as I had indicated in my posting. The response I recieved was that she didn’t want to see me any longer, as she had wanted a man that would join her church with her.
Apparently, she has trouble with semantics, as I had made it abundantly clear on my post that I was unwilling to change my views on God or religion. Still, she saw something in me that she said she wanted, stated repeatedly over a period of several weeks prior to our first meeting that I sounded perfect for her, and then immediately tried to change one of the most important aspects of my life. And furthermore, if she had looked at this in a true spirit of understanding and tolerance, she would have realized that she wanted to change the very thing that makes me the man that she became attracted to in the first place!
If she had wanted a man who practiced her religion, then why didn’t she simply cultivate a relationship with someone at her church. As a younger man, I was told by many smarter, older women that church was an excellent place to meet a potential mate, and I am sure there were more than a few single men who were already members of her church. Go figure…

SlimNu

August 8th, 2011
10:47 am

Everyone has things they can improve on…no one is perfect…As I like to say, “i’m perfectly IMperfect” ;-) A relationship should be a partnership. One should be able to assist or push the other in the areas they are weak in and vice versa. I don’t think that’s necessarily about changing them…but working together for the betterment of the partnership.

kimmie

August 8th, 2011
10:49 am

Randyt- :lol: I feel the same about beets!

Reio

August 8th, 2011
10:49 am

SlimNu – I actually exited the club scene while dating my wife. Got old and we had each other, so no need to continue doing that.

Reio

August 8th, 2011
10:52 am

SlimNu, 10:47 am – You are wonderful !! Thank You.

TenderRoni

August 8th, 2011
10:55 am

I’m not really getting the Ikea man thing. I learned early on you can’t change anyone. They have to want to change on their own.
I subscribe to accepting a person based on their character and when they show me who they are. I accept the good, bad, and ugly. There are certain things I know I can’t tolerate, then thats one I have to let go.
It seems in dating men/women want someone to be perfect. People aren’t tolerate anymore that people and a relationship are going to have issues. You just have to know within yourself if its worth working through with that person.

@PR- I agree with your 10:45 post. I learned some men a single simple because they choose to find some in every woman, and claim the woman does not meet their standards. Well of course she doesn’t if all you look at are her faults.

kimmie

August 8th, 2011
10:55 am

Michael P – That’s wild. See when it came to dating, I didn’t even go there when it came to core things I wanted in a person. You can’t and just shouldn’t even try to change or “change a person’s mind” on something so fundamental. Seems it was “my way or the highway” with her. Yeah, if a man HAD to be Greek Orthodox, then that’s where she should have concentrated her search – at her church!

SexyCool

August 8th, 2011
10:57 am

Purple Reign

August 8th, 2011
10:57 am

Tender, Exactly. Some people go into a new relationship or just life in general always pointing out what is wrong with a person or something and never take the time to see what is good.

SlimNu

August 8th, 2011
10:58 am

kimmie & Randyt – I feel the same way about SQUASH. And speaking of broccoli, the beau is not a fan of veggies and i always get on him about eating all that starch. So when I hooked up some chicken last week, I made myself some broccoli. Next thing I know I see him with broccoli on his plate. lol

SexyCool

August 8th, 2011
10:59 am

I’d be interested in knowing if women that speak of “Ikea” men came from Rooms to Go themselves.

Mike P

August 8th, 2011
11:00 am

Chris – my man, you are absolutely spot on with your 10:14 am post…

Also, I find that a-lot of these females out here are either hooking up with thugs but direct their angry bitterness towards the real man in her life (soon to be ex), or she’s trying to “thug-up” a man (clean-cut man with backbone) to make him acceptable to her.

to this kind of female, “Next!” lol

SexyCool

August 8th, 2011
11:01 am

Purp – Cool that you toughed it out. I’m sure that there were those that didn’t.

Atlanta’s Finest 5K – finish time – 35:57

This morning’s run report – Regular route – me, the man, the dog – 34 minutes.

TenderRoni

August 8th, 2011
11:01 am

@Slim- 10:47 was well said.

@PR-exactly

Leggs

August 8th, 2011
11:08 am

Broccoli is one of my favorite veggies!

Leggs

August 8th, 2011
11:08 am

Good job, SC! NICE!

kimmie

August 8th, 2011
11:11 am

Slim – I’m slowly but surely turning hubby and the kids on to a healthier way of eating. The only green vegetables they would eat when I met them were green beans and brocolli and maybe a salad or collards here or there. Now I have them eating spinach, cabbage and zuchini! They still slip into the old habits though. One day last week I had to work late. Hubby threw some pork chops on the grill and he said he would make some rice and steam some veggies. Cool. I get home, guess what the veggie was? Corn. He said he let baby girl pick the veggie and thats what she chose. I told him, and have told him before, rice/mashed potatoes/mac & cheese and corn are nothing but starches and you need a green veggie to balance all that out. You don’t need 2 starches, but I see folks eat like that all the time. I steamed myself some spinach.

Now that’s CHANGE he APPRECIATES though! And I didn’t stuff it down their throats, just made the vegetables appealing to them so they’d want to eat them!

IMO

August 8th, 2011
11:13 am

Oh well, another label to avoid. Good luck my brothers.

Reio

August 8th, 2011
11:15 am

@ Kimmie – Tell hubby and the kids that ‘corn’ is not a veggie, its a grain. See what they say. LOL.

SexyCool

August 8th, 2011
11:17 am

I do not believe that women don’t want to be courted. I actually believe that it is more of a generational/maturity type deal. Most of the younger crowd don’t have examples of what real dating, relating and relationship skills look like. So, they are doing a poor job of making it up as they go along.

I know, for me, I had to learn how to date. It took a while, some years actually, for me to know that I should have some standards and expectations and that I had the right to make some demands about how I wanted to be treated as opposed to accepting whatever came along.

And then, I could get into society and media’s influence on dating. Where you have these retarded reality dating shows and songs talking about “just wanna fk every girl in the world” and “we don’t go together, we jus be kickin’ it” and music videos where they are getting the messages that they have to be easy and half naked and look like Tricky Minaj.

It’s a wonder you think women don’t want to be courted. And hell, it’s not like some guys would know how to court them if they did.

SlimNu

August 8th, 2011
11:20 am

kimmie – I had the same conversation with the beau regarding corn, potatoes etc being starches. Mama made me some good ole fashion okra this past weekend when I went home and some poke-chops lol

kimmie

August 8th, 2011
11:21 am

Reio – I told them that! They went blank. A lot of people don’t get that, but it’s okay. :)

Leggs

August 8th, 2011
11:23 am

Exactly SC ~ last Sunday I received an afternoon call saying he called me Saturday afternoon because he wanted to take me to the movies. He didn’t leave a voicemail or anything. It wasn’t until later on Saturday eve I realized I had a missed call from him. Asked why he didn’t call me back to say he wanted to go to the movies he said “I just didn’t.” Cool, that’s your perogative. I looked at the phone and shook my head.

abc

August 8th, 2011
11:24 am

Spinach, cabbage, zucchini, blech!

Green beans, fresh brussel sprouts, peas, salads I can handle. I can do spinach in a casserole, in fact I make a couple of killer ones. Eggplant?! No thanks. Meat. Grrr, I’m a carnivore.

kimmie

August 8th, 2011
11:24 am

SCool – You are exactly right. Neither side really has had good examples.

Mike P

August 8th, 2011
11:25 am

Kimmie – That’s awesome! that’s not changing the man (or the kids for that matter); rather you’re trying to change behavior with a more healthier behavior pattern.

Change behavior for the ultimate benefit for the man = Cool
Change the man for your ultimate benefit = Not Cool

abc

August 8th, 2011
11:25 am

As far as corn goes, I don’t even feed my dog anything that has corn. It doesn’t seem to me that it has much nutritional value.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 8th, 2011
11:26 am

@ SlimNu

I have watched my children mature and dating ISN’T dating anymore. When I was young, the man worked up the courage to call a lady, and asked is she wanted to go to a movie, dinner, whatever. Now it is just “hanging out” in together or in groups. I’ve really wondered if “dating” has gone the way of the dinosaur. And the way relationships are portrayed on “reality” shows makes me wonder how dids entering the dating scene have ANY IDEA what a relationship should be.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 8th, 2011
11:27 am

kids not dids. I am typing challenged today as usual.

SlimNu

August 8th, 2011
11:28 am

abc – Funny thing about spinach is I only like it raw in a salad. Cooked spinach, no thanks…unless it’s in that fantabulous spinach dip my aunt makes so well.

SexyCool

August 8th, 2011
11:28 am

And a word on project management,

When I look at the basic principles or common fundamentals of project management, I would say that it would do good to apply some of those principles to dating/relationships.

Planning for an expected outcome with a method of reviewing progress and planning for disruptions. Keeping your eye on the three dimensions of time, quality, resources and…..I could go on.

If maintaining a successful relationship is not the ultimate project/life management challenge, I don’t know what is.

Superman

August 8th, 2011
11:29 am

Who else is naked right now??

Purple Reign

August 8th, 2011
11:30 am

Sexy Cool, you are being consisitent, does it feel funny when you wake up and it’s not a run day or if you miss a day?

I threw away my shirt and hat somewhere along the course, the water weight of them both was bothering me and throwing me off of rhythm bad.

Reio

August 8th, 2011
11:30 am

@ abc – I beg to differ. Check this out :
http://www.gowiththegrain.org/nutrition/grain.php

SexyCool

August 8th, 2011
11:30 am

The only time I eat corn is when I want to check the timing of er, um…internal workings.

Leggs

August 8th, 2011
11:31 am

@kimmie ~ tell them what I was told growing up. “If it has a seed it, it is technically a fruit and not a vegetable.

cba

August 8th, 2011
11:32 am

@PR that was an impressive endurance race. To be 40+ makes it more impressive. Maybe it’s that mid-western lifestyle. Hmmm… you’re not a former SEAL are you ;-)

SexyCool

August 8th, 2011
11:33 am

Purp – yesterday was supposed to be my rest day…especially considering that I maxed out on the 5K on Saturday and then, instead of taking MARTA back to my neighborhood, my sister and I decided to walk the 2 miles back to my house.

But…I woke up and my regular time…and since we were getting up for church anyway, I laced up and headed out.

And yes, I do feel different on mornings that I don’t run or at least walk.