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Dating is not project management

I happened to catch a snippet of the Frank and Wanda radio show on TV the other night. I paused when I heard them describe men in Atlanta as Ikea Men, i.e. men you have to “put together” or assemble.

Apparently one of the callers had used this term and it caused a couple of laughs, but it kind of saddened me. I have a sense of humor, of course, but I was most bothered by the idea that some women in Atlanta consider dating to be some kind of project management.

Do you think that calling men projects or Ikea men is the way to a man’s heart?! I don’t get it. Whatever happened to, you know,
simply accepting a person for who they are – not who you want them to be?

What’s really sad is that women who don’t feel this way have to contend with this later. They have already met the women in Atlanta that goes around calling them Ikea Men. The type that made them feel less than just makes them bitter for the next woman. Am I the only one that sees this annoying trend?

It probably would be funny if it wasn’t so ridiculously frustrating to encounter men have dated those egomaniacal women and expect the same treatment.

I don’t want to point fingers and go on a scream tour of who’s to blame, but how do we get past it?

When you encounter people with bad attitudes and unhealthy views about relationships, how do you handle it?

Do you cut your losses and save your energy for someone who sees things the way you do?

If men in Atlanta are projects that have to be together, what do you think that makes women? Bob the Builder? Yeah, that’s sexy.

216 comments Add your comment

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Leggs

August 8th, 2011
8:30 am

Good morning!

Thanks to back to school, I’m at my desk. I is FIRST…..

Leggs

August 8th, 2011
8:33 am

Now, on to the topic. Ms. WD, we talked about “IKEA” men when they talked about it on V103 a few weeks back. Unfortunately, although the term is somewhat comical, at best it is sad. Many men have so many excuses as to why they don’t want to date. There seems to be so many projects being worked on that they don’t have time to date. And by projects, I mean excuses. From working on moving out of parents’ home, to waiting on that job interview to come through, to being in between jobs, to wanting to date, but don’t have the financial means to date. There’s a plethora of reasons. Dating is nothing like it used to be, but really what is???

RealLife

August 8th, 2011
8:34 am

Sorry, but that’s the way it is in the real world. The most dedireable women (ie, most physically attractive) really have all the power. They do the choosing. Men are just scrambling behind them like rats in a maze. They change, conform, read about what makes a man the most attractive to women and conform again. Just like other women, if they think that they can’t get the upper tier women (we’re just talking physically), then they feel like they just settle (just like women do) and take the good with the bad. Women change, conform, apply make up, wear sexy clothes just like men do in their world. It’s a vicious cycle and it will never change. Upper tier: Women that are knockouts and good looking men that have a great bank account and willing to spend it on the upper tier women because the think they deserve it. Second tier: Moderately attractive women that have a lot on the ball with personality and otherwise. Same for men. Third tier: The unattractive, overwieght and really average to below average personality and not much on the ball.

RealLife

August 8th, 2011
8:38 am

In some instances a mid to lower tier man or woman can elevate themselves by: Woman-have an incredible body or gorgeous face and Man: Be insanely wealthy. However, both of these can be downgraded rapidly if the knockout has a psycho or arrogant personality because of her self perceived good looks. This women will leave you for whoever has a nicer car, bigger house or fatter wallet. Be careful because this women will wield her looks and sexy persona like a samouri sword to get what she wants. The man can be down graded because of his arrogance (money) and the belief that this money will get him anything and anyone. More times than not, this type of man is a “user” and blows through women like he does socks. Women that flock to this man get what they deserver.

Sweet Pea

August 8th, 2011
8:41 am

Good Morning!

I’m not in the dating arena where I’m around other women that speak of such. We all(men/women) have areas in life that have shortcomings. However, I will say to not waste your time with someone where there’s no common interests and negative views about relationships for the most part. It’s one thing to introduce someone whose stuck in the 70s and still wearing clothes from that era to a modern look so they can look dapper. However, if you have an unrealistic list and trying to configure a Mr Robot into what you desire then perhaps you should go back to the drawing board and draft a plan for SELF, e.g. a new hobby or join social groups that could possibly attract someone with common interest.

JASon

August 8th, 2011
8:42 am

“Whatever happened to, you know, simply accepting a person for who they are – not who you want them to be?”

Of course this is how it should be, but this is how it will never be. Women will always be looking to change men they are in a relationship with. In a related note, I am finding the single life to be quite charming.

SlimNu

August 8th, 2011
8:43 am

Good morning all….and a special shout out to my sis on her graduation this weekend. Woo hoo hooo!!!!

Leggs

August 8th, 2011
8:47 am

@JaSon ~ there are men who seek to change the woman as well. All I can say, is there are too many excuses in the dating world. Seems like everyone is afraid to commit to a relationship in fear that they’ve locked themselves into not knowing if they’ve explored enough. Exploration is the #1 downfall toward have a meaningful relationship.

Dave

August 8th, 2011
8:53 am

RealLife, while a little simplistic, is pretty dead on. The most attractive man and women in society will get most of the glory and most of the goods. It’s just like in nature where it’s surival of the fittest and only the strong survive. The most attractive women usually don’t care about changing because they are in love with themselves. They leave it up to the man to change to suit their needs. The most attractive (and rich) men don’t necessarily want a woman to change, they just chose from what’s on the shelf at that moment. In those men’s eyes, if she doesn’t make the cut then, she isn’t making the cut.

SlimNu

August 8th, 2011
8:55 am

Seems like everyone is afraid to commit to a relationship in fear that they’ve locked themselves into not knowing if they’ve explored enough BAM!!!

It’s sort of like a game of leap frogger…folks are so ready to jump to the next lily pad before they what endless possibilities they could have with the lily pad they are already on. It’s also sort of like how neighborhoods starting looking crazy when the housing market began to fall. There were so many new subdivisions that had unfinished houses abandoned and unkempt. I think if folks spent more time and energy in building and maintaing the foundation they’ve already started on, then our neighborhood aka ‘relationships’ would be more stabile/successful.

Sweet Pea

August 8th, 2011
9:00 am

Leggs, I agree that the dating world has changed tremendously. Whatever happened to taking things slow and getting to know each other? Time and patience seems to be archaic now.

Exploration is the #1 downfall toward have a meaningful relationship.

Yes, there is no such thing as commitment anymore as it appears that most have adopted the Baskin Robbins slogan, “31 flavors” where they enjoy the delicious flavor of the month and once the novelty wears off, they’re off to the next one! No real reason for the exodus.

SlimNu

August 8th, 2011
9:01 am

‘cuse the typos…i’m struggling this morning… yaaaaawwwwn

Chris

August 8th, 2011
9:02 am

Women read too many magazines and listen to too many of their single girlfriends to have successful relationships. I know a few women who went against what others told them they “should have or be with” and they’re happily married for 5, 9+ years and them girlfriends still running their mouth chasing waterfalls. Date for yourself and not for others. Everyone needs some work, please believe that. If we work together with the right attitude we could build a nice life or empire. Men have vision in this. Most women don’t have vision beyond the next meal. The most important question one should ask is “If this person never changed would I still love them?” Love is not about changing anyone or expecting them too.

Leggs

August 8th, 2011
9:10 am

@Chris, I don’t read relationship magazines, and I don’t talk to my friends about dating. What I do is observe how men come to me, how they speak to me, how they tell me what they want and don’t want, and how quickly sex is brought up. I think what men fail to realize is women would love to be “courted.” Plain and simple. Sure, we can’t go back to the 40’s, 50’s or 60’s of dating, but the man leading and taking charge is an admirable characteristic to have that will have a more appreciative and honored woman at his side also willing to explore the unknown of getting to know each other and all the other women along the way. If you start out dating like a “lazy susan,” be upfront about it. There’s so many seaonsings to choose from, but just be honest you’re still sampling. Then, SHE can decide how to proceed.

Into the Light

August 8th, 2011
9:14 am

Good morning, all!

Harder...please.

August 8th, 2011
9:15 am

I don’t know what world you live in, but where I live dating just isn’t that complicated.

“When you encounter people with bad attitudes and unhealthy views about relationships, how do you handle it?” Simple. I won’t date them.

Chris

August 8th, 2011
9:16 am

There are alot of women in Atlanta who you can tell when younger used to be the stuff but now no ones looking their way anymore. Women are God’s flowers and like flowers when your looks fade the bee’s go buzz around fresher, brighter flowers. Most women’s looks have a “expiration date” on the shelf life so dont think even if pretty you got all day to get a man. There’s always new draft picks coming up. Some can go around with their nose in the air and shooting down every dude if they want to. I was at a singles function a few weeks ago. After the event one of the attendees got in a car accident and died that night. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Possible hurt feelings pales in comparison to not living, taking a chance and death.

SlimNu

August 8th, 2011
9:18 am

Chris – I’m with Leggs on this as well…I don’t use women magazines as dating bibles nor do I surround myself with trifling girlfriends that dish out bad dating advice. I take every situation on a case by case basis with mutual respect and love as the constant in each courtship. Some folks claim they want that in a mate but once it’s received, they are looking for the next ‘high’.

Reio

August 8th, 2011
9:23 am

I’m married now, but while single, I dumped every woman that tried to change me. I told them to hit the road and moved on to another. Did’nt play around with them. A man can get a woman and love her, since there is no such thing as “falling in love” anyway. “Falling in love” is an invention.

Superman

August 8th, 2011
9:24 am

Morning! Anyone looking to hook up today?? :)

Leggs

August 8th, 2011
9:29 am

I’m looking to hook up with a connection to find me some nice blue pumps. Can you fly around town to see where the sales are…thanks!

Reio

August 8th, 2011
9:29 am

Enter your comments here

Reio

August 8th, 2011
9:37 am

Why is it that some single women prefer married men? I’ve run into this a few times. I’m a one woman man. Always was. But I’ve been approached several times, always while wearing my wedding ring, by women, single and married alike, to start a conversation about “us”. I know they want a physical relationship, but I also think they want more. Never investigated, so I do’nt know.

Leggs

August 8th, 2011
9:42 am

Why is it that some single women prefer married men? – I think the main reason is the woman doesn’t have to be comitted to the man. I suppose they’re looking for a semi-relationship (or sexual fulfillment) all the while not really having the ties to him. To know he’s going home to bother another woman frees her up of not having to deal with too many emotional issues with a married man.

Dave

August 8th, 2011
9:43 am

Reio, I co-sign with that. When I was married, single and married women came at me from all angles. When I got divorced, I could hear crickets. Those same SINGLE women wouldn’t give me the time of day. Go figure…..

SlimNu

August 8th, 2011
9:45 am

Reio – well i’m glad you don’t let the advances go any further. My guess is that situations like that often start out under the premise of just free for all, strictly sexual…but it’s a pandoras box full of crazy outcomes…i.e A chick who tries to black male you for something by threatening to tell your wife, or she ends up getting preggo, or she ends up wanting more than just sex, goes crazy because you aren’t able to spend as much time with her doing the butt as you used to, becomes jealous of what you have with your wife, or even HER husband/boyfriend finding out about you and going crazy…Seems like folks are more interested in the next possible Jerry Springer story.

Casual Observer

August 8th, 2011
9:51 am

Good Morning All….. ” Ikea Men”….. I like that term….

Reio

August 8th, 2011
9:52 am

Anyway, the man my wife met 22 years ago is the same man I am now. She never tried to change me. Over time I learned what she liked/disliked and I adapted to please her. I also knew all along that she would accept me, no matter what. So long as I did’nt disrespect her or harm her in any way. And I have’nt. As a single man, looking back on it, the one thing I had as an advantage, was the fact that I knew that I could always open the back door, kick this one out, and then open the front door and bring the next on in. Would’nt settle. Never.

Purple Reign

August 8th, 2011
9:52 am

You attract what you are, if you keep attracting “ikea men” or some other “issue” change something about yourself.

This weekedns half marathon ws the hardest. There was some sort of tropical storm and they ran the race anyway. Rain was pouring HARD and the headwinds were barely bearable. The weather was so bad that after the run yesterday all of the roads were flooded and planes were not flying out until late lastnight. So being stuck their with the family was an event to say the least. My times were My first split was at 5k (3.1miles) 28 minutes(you can tell by my slow pace how bad the weather was) Next Split was at 10K(6.2miles) 75 minutes I crossed the 10 mile mark with a time of 110minutes..12 Mile mark at 134 minutes and finished with a total time of 149 minutes. Worst run conditions ever ran in and due to the it was a waisted trip form my wife and son as they were stuck in the hotel. Today and tomorrow are recovery days. How was your weekend?

Leggs

August 8th, 2011
9:53 am

@Dave ~ while married, you’re intriguing and exciting. The thrill of being “bad” is intoxicating. Once you’re divorced, a lot of that thrill is gone because now you’re an “average joe blow.” A bit harsh, but I may be on point.

Reio

August 8th, 2011
9:56 am

By the way, every one of those encounters was relayed to my wife, by me. So she was aware of this. Two of whom she knew. One of which, she knew before meeting me. Funny.

kimmie

August 8th, 2011
10:06 am

Morning All! Got a new haircut and a new attitude! The kids were excited on their first day back to school.

On topic – WD asks when you encounter people with bad attitudes and unhealthy views on relationships do you cut your losses and get with someone that sees things your way. Duh!! Well you do, if you have some sense!

I’m all for accepting a person for what they are. But while I was out there dating, I encountered too many guys that used that as an excuse for bad behavior. For example, there was a guy I was seeing that never wanted to plan ahead for anything. He wanted to call a day before or even a few hours before he wanted to see me and expect me to be available. I told him that wasn’t going to work. He said he didn’t like planning ahead because then there would be the expectaton that he had to follow thru. Yah think?! He said he didn’t like anyone trying to change him. Fine, and I told him I didn’t need anyone trying to change me either, me expecting someone to respect me & my time and not take me for granted.

I left him to do his thing and “not change”.

Leggs

August 8th, 2011
10:06 am

@PR ~ sounds dreadful to run in those conditions. Silver lining is you’re there with your family. Pat on the back for finishing or better yet, not even forfeiting at the beginning of the race due to weather conditions.

Michael P.

August 8th, 2011
10:07 am

A few months ago, I told my wife something about our relationship. It’s simple, true, and based on my devotion and the love I feel for her;

“I love you not only for who you are, but for who I am when I’m with you”.

And it goes both ways!

i'm swiss™

August 8th, 2011
10:09 am

“I’m looking to hook up with a connection to find me some nice blue pumps.”

Leggs — Um, well, I suppose I could pump you ’til I’m blue. Does that count? :lol:

Leggs

August 8th, 2011
10:13 am

You see, kimmie, men feel that if they tell you that they don’t like planning and feel free to call hours before you’re to go out, you should be clapping your hands, jumping up and down screaming YIPPEE. Hell to da naw. If that’s your style, that’s your style and I won’t change you. But because it’s not my style either, I won’t date you because it would only irritate me in the long run and have me feeling I’m a last resort in that you couldn’t find anything else to occupy your day so now you’re calling me.

I won’t date this guy due to his disrespect of time. He’s a nice person, but doesn’t give a rat’s behind about time. If he’s to come over at 8:30, I may get a call at 12:30 saying he’s on his way. I have said “well, I hope you’re on your way somewhere, but don’t come here!”

They only get away with it if you let them.

Dave

August 8th, 2011
10:14 am

Maybe I outta put my wedding ring back on to “spice” things up a little. I’m all for a little role playing….lol

Chris

August 8th, 2011
10:14 am

Please, women dont want to be courted and they don’t know how to take a man being gracious and nice to them. That’s “corny” these days. Knowing that a man wants YOU and not playing around is boring cause you know you can have him. Women being emotional need to be kept guessing, the excitement and drama. Isn’t that right? Romance? Nahhhh, not when they walk past you to the thug looking dudes tattoed up and cussing when he talks to you. I see many women walk over the classy, clean cut dudes to get to pants hanging down, thuggish. I was told by a couple married guys I know for me to get a cheap wedding band and go out and I’ll get play all day. It’s amazing women are like that. I’ve decided to just get in where I fit in though. Sistas may not notice me when I’m out alone trying to talk to them but they sure notice when I’m out with a white or hispanic girl. Go figure.

kimmie

August 8th, 2011
10:17 am

I actually heard that story on Frank & Wanda about the Ikea men aka “project” guys. I actually got a different take on it. I think they were talking about the type of man that you meet up with where dating them is really just like taking on a project. The woman that gets with this type of guy is not really trying to “change” the core person that he is, but rather work with him thru whatever “situation” he’s in at the moment. I’m not really talking about a guy that is finishing up law school or getting a business off the ground, something like that. I’m talking the 38 year old guy that can’t move out of his mama’s basement because he owes back child support on his 3 kids and he got fired from his last job for popping off at the mouth to his boss and if “The Man” and “The System” would stop blocking him maybe he could get things together.

That’s an exaggerated example, but those that are familiar with this type, get it. Dating and trying to be supportive of such men is beyond project management, it can be a real chore. You don’t want to feel you have to piece together a person to make them dateable.

Reio

August 8th, 2011
10:17 am

Years after being married, during a quiet moment with my wife(can’t even remember what started the conversation), I asked her if she changed anything about herself while we were dating. She said “yes”, I asked “what”, and she refused to answer. I tried and tried, but she would not say. So I asked her Wwhy she changed, and she said “to keep you”. Did’nt think I could, but I started loving her even more at that moment.

Leggs

August 8th, 2011
10:19 am

:lol: No, swiss, that doesn’t count.

kimmie

August 8th, 2011
10:20 am

They only get away with it if you let them.

Leggs – Absolutely.

Purple Reign

August 8th, 2011
10:20 am

To answer the question I do not deal with people who have bad attitudes or unhealthy views about relationships. I don’t deall with the in regards to anything. I just stay away from those type of people in general. If you meet someone who does not line up with your general thoughts or if you two are just opposite on the base platform…why even push it farther?

Leggs, thank you. I had to do it, what can of man would I be if weather stopped me from running? :)

Leggs

August 8th, 2011
10:20 am

@Chris ~ all I can is you wrong! Nothing more, nothing less.

kimmie

August 8th, 2011
10:22 am

Leggs – “Corny” sounds like he’s dealing with some youngsters.

Good luck with that, whatever color you like, Chris.

Leggs

August 8th, 2011
10:25 am

And, I knew you would say just that, PR!

Leggs

August 8th, 2011
10:25 am

Yep Yep, kimmie!

Purple Reign

August 8th, 2011
10:27 am

Leggs, exactly. LOL Then have my wife and son looking at me like I wussed out? No way, plus a battle of the elements is fun…just another personal endurance test.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 8th, 2011
10:27 am

This should be interesting. I haven’t read the postings yet but this is a very real dilemma. AS “Wilson” said to Tim Allen on “Home Improvement”…”a man hopes that beautiful bride he is marrying will never change. A woman hopes she CAN change the man she is marrying. They are both wrong.”

Fact is WD, you are right to be indignant. I’ve seen it many times. Is this any different though from what it has always been? To make a good LTR, the couple need to be friends as well as lovers. This won’t happen if one party trys to emasculate or humiate the other on a normal basis.