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Closed to open marriages?

One of my favorite recording artists, Jill Scott, caused a little buzz on Twitter yesterday. She happened to ask the question, “What do you think about open relationships?”, which garnered loads of responses.

She went on to pose this scenario “The love of your life cheats and is honest about it. Your life with him/her is everything but monogamous. Do you stay?”

I actually had to think about it for a long time! Do I walk away or do I find a way to handle it? The older I get, the more I realize what is most important.

If I had to make a choice, I would want/prefer my man to tell me before he explores his attraction to other women. Now does this mean I would jump for joy if my husband/partner sought out other people while we are supposed to be exclusive? Absolutely not! I can barely share a remote control!

I just think when two people commit to a life together, I can appreciate the deep honesty it takes to explore an open relationship.

For a long time, I believed that I wasn’t built to commit to one person. Although I have never cheated in a relationship, I simply questioned if I was capable of being with one man for the rest of my life. Could he be enough? Could I be enough? Could we convince each other that “we” were enough?

For the record, I don’t believe that open marriage is just about women kowtowing to male desires. It’s not always about having sanctioned trips to the sexual buffet of women.

To be perfectly honest, I think exploring an open relationship is like this really pragmatic approach to commitment. It’s for those who believe that it is impossible for one person to fulfill all your needs.

If the most painful part of cheating is the deception and lies, will being honest about your attraction to other people make a difference?

Could you be in an open relationship? Could you define an open marriage on your own terms?

Would you tell people that you had that kind of relationship?

What are your apprehensions about the idea?

Do you think more single people would marry if the open marriage option was on the table? Not talking about swinging lifestyle, per se. I am referring to a couple both agreeing to let each other know when they meet someone they feel a strong attraction to.

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

477 comments Add your comment

Sassy Black..Make it rain down on Meee ;-)

August 4th, 2011
1:01 pm

Okay Simple…

Brown Eyed Girl!

August 4th, 2011
1:06 pm

Simple Man, let your compass be your guide. If that is your belief, then so be it. I just happened to have a different belief structure. Mine is based on faith as well as what I believe its the right thing to do just because. As a woman, and I think I can speak for most, having sex is an emotional expression for us. I know, there are some chicks out there that have managed to detach feelings from the act, but for the most part, its tough. If a woman agrees to an open marriage, I honestly believe she feels that is the best she can do! A strong woman will have the esteem and pride to not compromise. Let me use the animal example again. LOL I read that if a vulture’s mate is seen by other vultures cavorting with another, other vultures will attach the unfaithful vultures! Children learn early to be selfish and, for me, that goes for my man as well! Trust me, If this one ever comes to me and says he wants to “explore” I will tell him he got on the wrong boat!

Lord Velonese

August 4th, 2011
1:11 pm

“Closed to open marriages?”

Should this even be a topic? Comon WD you’re making women look bad for thinking it……….

Simple Man......

August 4th, 2011
1:14 pm

“I read that if a vulture’s mate is seen by other vultures cavorting with another, other vultures will attach the unfaithful vultures!:”

They just hatin’ =))

Into the Light

August 4th, 2011
1:17 pm

I read that if a vulture’s mate is seen by other vultures cavorting with another, other vultures will attack the unfaithful vulture!

That’s what I’m talking about. My vulture posse ALWAYS has my back. :)

SexyCool

August 4th, 2011
1:18 pm

O/T – Kevin Hart has a stand up movie coming out on September 9th. This is the first movie that TheDude and I are planning on seeing in the theater in over a year.

yello

August 4th, 2011
1:19 pm

I really just have to jump in here, having skimmed a few pages….

The whole Christian biblical thing bothers me. So many Christians believe that their belief system is the only one with validity, and that those who don’t subscribe to it are somehow less honorable, less good, less…something.

If Christianity is your base of belief, that’s fine. I have no problem with that, you are free to believe what you want. Where I DO have a problem is with saying somebody who doesn’t believe is somehow…less. So Jews aren’t moral or good or…whatever? What about Muslims? Really??!!

The basic tenent of “do unto others” is found in almost every major religion. It’s also subscribed to by many atheists who see it as simply a decent way to live one’s life.

I’m sure I’ve offended some, but I’m so frustrated by that line of thinking.

Into the Light

August 4th, 2011
1:22 pm

yello: Can you cite an example? I don’t recall seeing that, but I’ve been skimming today….

Into the Light

August 4th, 2011
1:23 pm

SC, I can’t wait to see The Help. Read the book, and LOVED it.

SexyCool

August 4th, 2011
1:26 pm

ITL – Incidentally, I just posted on my blog about that movie. Until I saw the interview on GMA this morning, I had no interest in it. I am going to buy the book before the day is over and plan on checking out the movie when it hits Blu-Ray.

yello

August 4th, 2011
1:27 pm

@Into the Light:
“‘don’t use scriptures to justify your actions. However, at the same time, don’t use scripture to judge or crucify someone else for their choices

Well…then what are scriptures for? Entertainment purposes only?”

There’s an example. If somebody isn’t Christian than scripture is irrelevant.

SexyCool

August 4th, 2011
1:29 pm

yello – you should have read the rest of that discussion before you drew a conclusion.

yello

August 4th, 2011
1:31 pm

it an underlying theme from a number of folks.

Into the Light

August 4th, 2011
1:33 pm

I read that differently, yello, but I’m looking from the other side of the coin. If someone said to me, “ITL, don’t use scriptures to justify your actions” I wouldn’t be able to honor that request. As a Christian, the Bible and its teachings are the basis of my beliefs and influence my actions.
To your point, if someone isn’t Christian, then scripture is irrelevant to them. Correct, if you mean irrelevant in that it means nothing more than the laws of a country where they do not live. But the post above is defending why Christians use the Bible as a set of principles, not just as a book to read for amusement.

Make sense?

kimmie

August 4th, 2011
1:34 pm

yello – I don’t recall anyone posting that other religions were trumped by Christianity, though that line of thinking bothers me no matter what religion you are talking about. That “my way or the highway” line of thinking is never productive.

Into the Light

August 4th, 2011
1:36 pm

The Help was nothing that I expected, but so much more than I could have expected. It made me laugh, cry, angry, and at times, ashamed. Let me know how you like it.

Sassy Black..Make it rain down on Meee ;-)

August 4th, 2011
1:37 pm

you should have read the rest of that discussion before you drew a conclusion.

cosign…

SexyCool

August 4th, 2011
1:38 pm

I most closely identify with Christianity and most of its principles and precepts because it is what I have been exposed to and have the most knowledge of and up to this point, has worked just fine for me.

I believe in the Holy Trinity. However, I do not unquestioningly believe everything that is written in the so called Good Book. I am not a big fan of organized religion or religious tradition as a rule. However, I realize that there is a need for it…in some form and that there are those who richly benefit from it…whether it be spiritually or financially or whatever.

I am certain that if I were interested in becoming a student of religion to discover the basis of beliefs in other religions and cultures that I would find similarities. It is human nature that there are similarities for we are all connected. As it stands, I am way too busy trying to live as best as I can and is based on a belief system that has served me well to study other religions just because.

Leggs

August 4th, 2011
1:39 pm

Simple Man......

August 4th, 2011
1:39 pm

In Yello’s defense, the argument has been presented more than once today that views outside of the typical Christian fair are wrong…It has not been said dierectly, but it has been implied multiple times…..

Sassy Black..Make it rain down on Meee ;-)

August 4th, 2011
1:40 pm

I don’t recall anyone posting that other religions were trumped by Christianity,

Me,either..not unless they care to point out what time frames/page as a reference point so we can go re-read that in case we missed it.

Sassy Black..Make it rain down on Meee ;-)

August 4th, 2011
1:42 pm

It has not been said dierectly, but it has been implied multiple times…..

Really Simple/Yella?…

Into the Light

August 4th, 2011
1:44 pm

It has not been said dierectly, but it has been implied multiple times…..

I wonder if people have a certain impression of Christians (accurate or non) and are always ready to defend themselves……

SexyCool

August 4th, 2011
1:44 pm

And more to the point of the statement about “scriptures”, there was no specific set of scriptures named. Could have been talking about the Gutenberg bible, the Quran, the Torah, the Sutras….

yello

August 4th, 2011
1:48 pm

I don’t think I’ve ever read anybody saying “If you don’t believe in Christianity, you’re wrong.”

It’s the implication that is often made — but a number of folks — here, and many places in the Bible belt. Again, if that’s your belief system, that’s fine. But when people try to impress it on others, there is a problem.

A grocery store clerk commented to me the other day “the Lord woke me up this morning, you should be glad he woke you up, too.” So, now what does that mean?? I wanted to say “well he woke up non-believers, too now didn’t he?” but I wouldn’t say that because its offensive. And yet, I’m supposed to give some pc response to somebody pressing their religious views on me. THAT’s what annoys me. Seriously.

yello

August 4th, 2011
1:50 pm

And yes, it HAS been implied in this blog many times that non- Christian views are somehow less worthy.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 4th, 2011
1:50 pm

(the blog Nazi ate my post, let me try again)

My SOs are free to step out any time they want…just no stepping back in. One strike and your out and the door locks behind you. And for the record I expect them to hold me just as accountable. Infidelity is a choice, not a physical demand. If I have to have another, then I’ll leave the relationship, and I expect the same from them.

Like BMW indicated, “have to because I am a man” is BS.

yello

August 4th, 2011
1:52 pm

**shields are up, ready for attack**

Sassy Black..Make it rain down on Meee ;-)

August 4th, 2011
1:54 pm

I wanted to say “well he woke up non-believers, too now didn’t he?” but I wouldn’t say that because its offensive.

Simple/Yello…Simply Yella had you said that it would’ve been the truth and who’s to say it would’ve offended the clerk?…how do you know that? You’re making assumptions based on yoUr perception and you know what they say about making assumptions right?

And yet, I’m supposed to give some pc response to somebody pressing their religious views on me.

No dearheart..do what makes yoU comfortable. Sometimes the best response is none at all. Here let me show you for the rest of the day…

Into the Light

August 4th, 2011
1:55 pm

yello, Your perceptions are just that – YOUR perceptions. I cannot argue them with you, nor will I try. But I respect your right to your opinion.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 4th, 2011
1:57 pm

I guess I have a question for discussion. Is an “open marriage” really love or just group sex? I can’t conceive of being in love with someone and being willing to share them with anyone. How do you “OM”s define “love”.

Honestly seeking enlightenment.

SexyCool

August 4th, 2011
1:59 pm

“well he woke up non-believers, too now didn’t he?”

If they don’t believe in Him and by their beliefs, He didn’t wake them up. They woke themselves up.

And in that case, a better question, would have been “Who woke up the folks that don’t believe in Him?”

(I crack ME up.)

Purple Reign

August 4th, 2011
2:00 pm

He did wake up the believer and the non believers too, LOL…Now what?

Let’s fight!

Into the Light

August 4th, 2011
2:02 pm

All this talk of waking up has me wanting a nap. zzzzz

Simple, quit fighting and bring me the Gerald and Will CD….

kimmie

August 4th, 2011
2:04 pm

Bottom line, the concept of an open marriage is contraversial. It goes against what most of us have been taught to believe about marriage, whatever religion or no religion we practice. It’s too easy to just remain single and see other people. Like it or not, most people are not that “open” about sharing their mate with someone else. That’s why cheating gets such a strong reaction from people when it occurs.

Into the Light

August 4th, 2011
2:05 pm

….and keeps the Maury show on the air!

Simple Man......

August 4th, 2011
2:05 pm

But Saaaaasssssyyyyyy…….Whow else can I make it rain on if not you??? :( :( :(

Purple Reign

August 4th, 2011
2:05 pm

Sooooo kimmie does your 2:04 mean ixnay on ya bootay?

yello

August 4th, 2011
2:06 pm

And in that case, a better question, would have been “Who woke up the folks that don’t believe in Him?”

LOL. I’m going to use that one!

Purple Reign

August 4th, 2011
2:06 pm

Some of the longest wars/battles in the world that are still going on are due to religious difference.

Leggs

August 4th, 2011
2:07 pm

Open marriages has nothing to do with Maury, it’s dumb, foolish insecure women seeking comfort in another man’s arms who’s busting that super sperm and her egg scooped it up, every drip drop!

Simple Man......

August 4th, 2011
2:07 pm

ITL..Give me a couple of minutes to stretch and drink this Protein shake….I will be right there!!!!

SexyCool

August 4th, 2011
2:08 pm

Purp…meet me outside.

Into the Light

August 4th, 2011
2:08 pm

My Maury comment was directed at the last line of Kimmie’s post:

That’s why cheating gets such a strong reaction from people when it occurs.

I was trying to add a little levity to our afternoon.

Simp, you are nasty.

Purple Reign

August 4th, 2011
2:10 pm

Sexy Cool, you want to have a dance off? let’s go, outside it is!

SexyCool

August 4th, 2011
2:12 pm

Wait…I thought we were fighting. I was gone throw some sand in ya’ face and hit you on the head with a rock and run.

Dancing….booooyyyy….you ain’t got nothing on my Cabbage Patch/Running Man/Dougie/Wop combo.

Purple Reign

August 4th, 2011
2:13 pm

..standing outside of Sexy Cool’s building in my Saturday Night Fever Suit….yes ladies the pants are that tight and that’s ALLLLL ME!

Simple Man......

August 4th, 2011
2:13 pm

“Simp, you are nasty.”

Not even….if I were nasty, I would have suggested that YOU drink the protien shake… :)

i'm swiss™

August 4th, 2011
2:14 pm

F#ck god, Mrs. Swiss woke my azz up this morning. Although “god’s” name was called a few times shortly thereafter… :lol:

SexyCool

August 4th, 2011
2:15 pm

Yeah…that was offensive.