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Closed to open marriages?

One of my favorite recording artists, Jill Scott, caused a little buzz on Twitter yesterday. She happened to ask the question, “What do you think about open relationships?”, which garnered loads of responses.

She went on to pose this scenario “The love of your life cheats and is honest about it. Your life with him/her is everything but monogamous. Do you stay?”

I actually had to think about it for a long time! Do I walk away or do I find a way to handle it? The older I get, the more I realize what is most important.

If I had to make a choice, I would want/prefer my man to tell me before he explores his attraction to other women. Now does this mean I would jump for joy if my husband/partner sought out other people while we are supposed to be exclusive? Absolutely not! I can barely share a remote control!

I just think when two people commit to a life together, I can appreciate the deep honesty it takes to explore an open relationship.

For a long time, I believed that I wasn’t built to commit to one person. Although I have never cheated in a relationship, I simply questioned if I was capable of being with one man for the rest of my life. Could he be enough? Could I be enough? Could we convince each other that “we” were enough?

For the record, I don’t believe that open marriage is just about women kowtowing to male desires. It’s not always about having sanctioned trips to the sexual buffet of women.

To be perfectly honest, I think exploring an open relationship is like this really pragmatic approach to commitment. It’s for those who believe that it is impossible for one person to fulfill all your needs.

If the most painful part of cheating is the deception and lies, will being honest about your attraction to other people make a difference?

Could you be in an open relationship? Could you define an open marriage on your own terms?

Would you tell people that you had that kind of relationship?

What are your apprehensions about the idea?

Do you think more single people would marry if the open marriage option was on the table? Not talking about swinging lifestyle, per se. I am referring to a couple both agreeing to let each other know when they meet someone they feel a strong attraction to.

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

477 comments Add your comment

Purple Reign

August 4th, 2011
11:22 am

Some of this is pretty digusting to even fathom.

SexyCool

August 4th, 2011
11:22 am

Celisea…1119a – church!!!

Celisea

August 4th, 2011
11:23 am

may be their norm but that sort of activity is not classified as a “relationship”

Simple Man – Why would you want to call changing women, sexing several as “relationship?” I don’t see why you can’t get or don’t see that. No one is saying for you to NOT be happy. Be happy and do you but why can’t you see that behavior leans more to strange? Not saying others don’t do it but a telltale sign to help you wrap your mind around it is most that want more than one will CHEAT. They cheat because it’s not right, it’s not normal and who in their right mind will willingly go along with? Right folks cheats and “sneak” around because openly having several wo/men is not acceptable to their relationship.

The Bosses Wife

August 4th, 2011
11:24 am

It depends on what the commitment was…cause if we are changing the rules,both should agree.

UGA 1999

August 4th, 2011
11:24 am

ITL….anything….dont condemn any behavior unless you have tried it and it doesnt work for you.

Exiled!

August 4th, 2011
11:25 am

Kimmie?

Yes I’m not down for it!

That doesn’t make it wrong. It makes me not suited for it,mentally and all else.

But some are and A lot apparently.

Iam not down for white sugar by the way. Just brown cane sugar.

But white sugar is good for way more people than just me.

Now on whose side is God on? :lol: brown or white?

BlackMagicWoman...in NYC

August 4th, 2011
11:26 am

MINGO….that idiotic belief that “a man is supposed to cheat, and the woman is supposed to look the other way” is the problem! That is pure bull! A boy will cheat and think it is ok. A boy in a man’s body will believe and behave in the same manner. But a REAL man who honors his commitment will not do such thing. If you really love someone, and you know that you would hurt them by cheating, you would never do it. By doing so, you are saying her feelings and your respect of her be d@mned!

That “boys will be boys” is what is wrong with the world. Men are using this crap as an umbrella to cover themselves from accepting the responsibilties of their actions. Men (grown boys) encourage young boys to behave this way. Then they grow up thinking that is it ok. So the vicious cycle continues. Again, REAL MEN accept responsibilities for their actions, not hide behide a shield like a punk @$$ coward. I wish boys would stop playing dress up and leave the men’s clothing for the men!

Celisea

August 4th, 2011
11:26 am

UGA – dont condemn any behavior unless you have tried it and it doesnt work for you

You don’t have to try everything to know it’s not a good decision, choice or that it will have a negative outcome.

UGA 1999

August 4th, 2011
11:27 am

Exiled….whose side is God on? Brown or white??? SERIOUSLY!?!?!

UGA 1999

August 4th, 2011
11:28 am

Celisea….I guess you are right. However we have many people on this blog playing the “Holier than thou” card and it gets old.

SlimNu

August 4th, 2011
11:28 am

Some things in life you don’t have to actually try out to know it’s not for you. I’ve never tried piercing my back with huge hooks and hanging suspended in the air for 30+minutes or more but I know me, and Slim ain’t down with that.

kimmie

August 4th, 2011
11:28 am

1999 – I was responding to a quote Exiled made in his 10:59. I disagreed with him. He said earlier he was not for it himself, basically being a hypocrite. I was saying I don’t need to try something out first to know it won’t work for me.

SexyCool

August 4th, 2011
11:30 am

“You don’t have to try everything to know it’s not a good decision, choice or that it will have a negative outcome.”

Yeah…I pretty much know that if I put loaded gun to my temple and pull the trigger that you probably won’t see me at Thanksgiving dinner.

Purple Reign

August 4th, 2011
11:31 am

There are some things you know that are wrong without ever having experienced it.

Exiled, so you won’t mess with another woman but your wife? Would you would mess around with another woman without your wife present?

Character is revealed when temptation and choice meet.

Celisea

August 4th, 2011
11:31 am

UGA – We ain’t throwing morality out the window or hush because a few wants to hop on and brag about indiscretions. I’m sure everybody on here would be willing (if need be) to discuss something or someone they did that wasn’t exactly the best choice. It’s not holier than thou to frankly not want to have folks on here acting like they just dang animals. Sorry buddy not that kind of blog. I’m finding out more and more, if I hush some (not NOT believe) but just hush a bit on morality a lot more will speak to it :) LOVING that.

Exiled – Red and yellow black and white they are precious in his sight…you didn’t learn that song as a child? God made all so he loves all. And if you’re of the mindset of evolution, he made the ape you came from…so it all still points to God :mrgreen:

Exiled!

August 4th, 2011
11:32 am

Celisea?

Your arguments are derived from a subset of Christian fundamental values.nothing wrong with that!

But others don’t necessarily subscribe to that..they believe an Open marriage enhances their lives. Men and women. Where is Blue when u need her?

I wldnt be as judgmental as to say they are wrong…maybe it goes against the tenets of the bible.

But I’m happy if they are happy. Same way I’m
Happy for gay folks tho I don’t endorse.

U down for polygamy tho Celisea , right? Or else we cut ties now. :lol:

Leggs

August 4th, 2011
11:32 am

@UGA ~ you don’t have to try certain things to know it isn’t for you. I wouldn’t go surf boarding in the middle of the ocean like that guy did and wound up a few feet away from a giant whale. No harm no foul, but I’m not even going to put myself in the scene for anything to go wrong.

Celisea

August 4th, 2011
11:33 am

PR – Character is revealed when temptation and choice meet.

True, so true

Into the Light

August 4th, 2011
11:33 am

Character is revealed when temptation and choice meet.

LOVE this!

Celisea

August 4th, 2011
11:34 am

UGA – I won’t take poison to believe it’s going to kill me.

SexyCool

August 4th, 2011
11:34 am

Expressing my opinion about my choices and what does or does not work for me does not make me judgemental.

Celisea

August 4th, 2011
11:35 am

Exiled – Or else we cut ties now

You say…please don’t act

kimmie

August 4th, 2011
11:36 am

Exiled – I didn’t say it was wrong or right in my posts. It’s not right for me and I gave the reasons why. And because of a lot of people’s religious beliefs or convictions or morals or whatever, they say it is wrong. They have that right.

UGA 1999

August 4th, 2011
11:37 am

Celisea….how high is the soap box you are on today?

Purple Reign

August 4th, 2011
11:37 am

How would you really know if someone is playing that card UGA? I mean they may actually live the lifestyle that they proclaim to live. If what someone posts something that makes someone feel a certain way, so what. We all live in our own houses and have to deal with our own decisions. Whatever someone is into they should be comfortable enough not to have to defend it whenever someone speaks against it.

Leggs

August 4th, 2011
11:37 am

@Ex ~ you’re implying Blue has an open marriage!! If she hasn’t shared that, it’s not your place to share it (if it’s true)!!!!

abc

August 4th, 2011
11:37 am

What is the measure of success as pertains to a relationship? I’d say the only real measure is if it lasts. While it lasts, it’s successful; if and when it ends, it’s no longer successful.

But what is the nature of the relationship? Why do you suppose the model is what it is? I figure it must be because that’s what comes naturally to humans. Commitment and monogamy are part of the model. Disregard for those things doesn’t represent any kind of emotional maturity. It represents disregard for a relationship that includes them.

I don’t think that piercings and tattoos are all that ‘openly acceptable’. People who do those things to themselves brand themselves in such a way as to make themselves susceptible to others’ judgements, right or wrong. Personally, I think tattoos are for sailors and bikers.

I don’t think same-sex relationships are that ‘openly acceptable’ either, outside of what’s portrayed by Hollywood. Having worked quite a bit in theater, I’ve been well acquainted with many gay people, and while I accept them for who and what they are, I can’t say that I can endorse that kind of lifestyle. I feel bad for them, for the burden it places upon them.

Exiled!

August 4th, 2011
11:38 am

There are some things u’ know’ are wrong based on ur beliefs PR.

Your beliefs underline/pin ur morals and mine and my wife’s.

Now to assume a couple practicing an Open marriage has same morals as u wld be wrong. Their set oif values are not the same as yours.

If u say u won’t do it I understand.

Into the Light

August 4th, 2011
11:38 am

Exiled!

August 4th, 2011
11:39 am

She did have an open encounter Leggs.

It was revealed on the blog.
That’s how I know

oneofeach4me

August 4th, 2011
11:41 am

I think this depends on the couple and where they are in life. My partner of 12 years started getting bored (ya know with 2 kids and full time jobs, ect) so he decided to step out… TWICE. I told him that I could not handle this again, and that if he met a woman that he was interested in or was attracted to, to call me and tell me about it. This way, he would subconsciously divert that sexual energy towards me again without even realizing it. Well… that worked for about a year. Problem is… it took the excitement out of it for him. If he was telling me about it… then it was no longer naughty. Needless to say….our home life was ruined. Twelve years down the drain. Kids without dad in the home.

I have seen this work for people though, so I won’t knock anyone’s hustle. Do whatever works for you and what you are comfortable with. Just do not sacrifice who you are and your morals to appease someone else.

We are human, and I don’t think God has much to do with this. I agree, don’t use scriptures to justify your actions. However, at the same time, don’t use scripture to judge or crucify someone else for their choices.

SlimNu

August 4th, 2011
11:42 am

How does saying you would not be willing to try an Open marriage constitute having a “holier than thou’ attitude??? If that works for you and whomever else, then so be it. I didn’t say that makes me better than them for it…

Leggs

August 4th, 2011
11:43 am

@ITL ~ thanks for letting me know about EOD…I like that…Good job!

Celisea

August 4th, 2011
11:43 am

UGA – Celisea….how high is the soap box you are on today?

How far it from earth to heaven? :) :)

SexyCool

August 4th, 2011
11:44 am

“don’t use scriptures to justify your actions. However, at the same time, don’t use scripture to judge or crucify someone else for their choices”

Well…then what are scriptures for? Entertainment purposes only?

Leggs

August 4th, 2011
11:44 am

@Ex ~ that’s all I’m saying. If she revealed that, fine. Just didn’t want you to have diarreha of the mouth!

Purple Reign

August 4th, 2011
11:44 am

Exiled who are you to tell me what is wrong based upon my beliefs. That is straight comedy, don’t take this the wrong way. But I don’t take anything you say seriously at all on here. You are just a fire starter and contradict yourself daily on almost everything except being a horndog. You are pretty consistent on that one. LOL This polygamy you keep asking for is your main woman in cohoots with you on that or is that just your decision?

Michelle

August 4th, 2011
11:45 am

My man and I have an agreement. He can step out any time he wants,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLkokNuIojw

Exiled!

August 4th, 2011
11:46 am

…..Monogamy are part of the model..

@Abc?

Wrong

That statement is guided if not influenced by ur cultural beliefs.
Nothing more nothing less.

To make ur statement that omnipotent and all encompassing is to try and make ur culture superior to all else!
Not!

abc

August 4th, 2011
11:47 am

In Christian terms, ‘holy’ doesn’t mean ‘better’, it means ’set apart’, and/or ‘blessed’. At that, the phrase ‘holier than thou’ doesn’t have much meaning, other than as a pejorative from people who don’t consider themselves to be very holy, or are defensive because they feel challenged somehow by what other people believe and endorse.

UGA 1999

August 4th, 2011
11:47 am

Celisea….I think you meant to say “How far IS it from Earth to Heaven?”….nice work.

Exiled!

August 4th, 2011
11:50 am

PR

U misquoted me. I say again what u regard as right or wrong is based on what u believe in.

Now is that too hard to decipher

Thanx for the abuse but ur point?

A Realist

August 4th, 2011
11:50 am

I was just throwing a grenade into the argument because someone brought up the Bible when their reason breaks down. God didn’t punish Abraham and Solomon for their open marriages. If what happened was punishment, then all the innocent people who God killed in the Old Testamentwere punished for being alive.

Marriage is an agreement between two parties. If it was between people and God, then you wouldn’t need the law to either get married or divorced. If it was between people and God, then did all the Slaves commit adultery and fornication since they couldn’t get married in the eyes of the law? How did people get married before jesus came into the world if your marriage is supposed have Christ involved?

All this thread devolved into is “Christians” judging others for trying a marriage arrangement that works for some. Animals don’t discuss and uphold agreements with their partners. Rather than just saying “It wouldn’t work for me!”, people started calling others animals, and judging them. Take the Beam out of your eyes, people. For people that believe in God, let God judge them, not you!

Celisea

August 4th, 2011
11:51 am

UGA – That was simple….enough…lol You get how far high my soapbox stand though right? :)

Purple Reign

August 4th, 2011
11:54 am

Exiled, type in American English next time and there will be no misunderstandings. You still did not answer the question about polygamy and your lady. You just flat out told abc he was wrong as well. What are you basing your judgements on today, what are your actual beliefs. Don’t let me abuse you bro. LMAO

Tammie

August 4th, 2011
11:55 am

There are a lot of things that we might be inclinded to by biology that we don’t indulge. The idea that men can’t keep it in their pants is just wrong and self indulgent. Mastering what you want right now is the basis of being an adult. If you are not ready to commit to marraige, don’t.

Purple Reign

August 4th, 2011
11:56 am

Honestly if you go back and read “the christians”(as thay are being called today) have not judged anyone they are just stating their opinions. The judging is coming from those who disagree with what they said. At least UGA and Exiled had the balls to counter with their thoughts and not hide behind an alias while doing so.

Brown Eyed Girl!

August 4th, 2011
11:57 am

For those who believe that the soap boxes are being used, let me readdress. I can frame my responses from a biblical prospective. Lets throw that out the window and just frame it from being a human being. I once made a commitment to someone that told my friend, family and me that he would be faithful until we were separated by death. After about four years, he decided that he needed to “explore” the city. I was devastated because this person I trusted to be faithful to me decided to stray. I guess I could have said, I will share you with others, but my pride and self esteem and self respect would not allow me to do so! We teach our children to keep their word, what kind of example are we setting for them? Is that secular enough? Say what you mean and mean what you say!

oneofeach4me

August 4th, 2011
11:59 am

@Sexycool ~ take that how you want to. Judging other’s is not something God handed over to man. You don’t get to make that call. That’s what is wrong with “Christians” today and why so many turn away from the church. You wanna help God on his mission? Then love and forgive and judge not your fellow man just as his son did.

BlackMagicWoman...in NYC

August 4th, 2011
11:59 am

Cheating is NOT an accident or a mistake. It is a deliberate act of carelessness!