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Closed to open marriages?

One of my favorite recording artists, Jill Scott, caused a little buzz on Twitter yesterday. She happened to ask the question, “What do you think about open relationships?”, which garnered loads of responses.

She went on to pose this scenario “The love of your life cheats and is honest about it. Your life with him/her is everything but monogamous. Do you stay?”

I actually had to think about it for a long time! Do I walk away or do I find a way to handle it? The older I get, the more I realize what is most important.

If I had to make a choice, I would want/prefer my man to tell me before he explores his attraction to other women. Now does this mean I would jump for joy if my husband/partner sought out other people while we are supposed to be exclusive? Absolutely not! I can barely share a remote control!

I just think when two people commit to a life together, I can appreciate the deep honesty it takes to explore an open relationship.

For a long time, I believed that I wasn’t built to commit to one person. Although I have never cheated in a relationship, I simply questioned if I was capable of being with one man for the rest of my life. Could he be enough? Could I be enough? Could we convince each other that “we” were enough?

For the record, I don’t believe that open marriage is just about women kowtowing to male desires. It’s not always about having sanctioned trips to the sexual buffet of women.

To be perfectly honest, I think exploring an open relationship is like this really pragmatic approach to commitment. It’s for those who believe that it is impossible for one person to fulfill all your needs.

If the most painful part of cheating is the deception and lies, will being honest about your attraction to other people make a difference?

Could you be in an open relationship? Could you define an open marriage on your own terms?

Would you tell people that you had that kind of relationship?

What are your apprehensions about the idea?

Do you think more single people would marry if the open marriage option was on the table? Not talking about swinging lifestyle, per se. I am referring to a couple both agreeing to let each other know when they meet someone they feel a strong attraction to.

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

477 comments Add your comment

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 4th, 2011
9:38 am

We have to face it, some folks gotta have, want, and desire Lust. That don’t make them bad people they are just different in how they see themselves. With the worlds large population anything that can be thought of is happening somewhere.

anonymousella

August 4th, 2011
9:38 am

Maaaaan, tryna manage one relationship is work enough. You want me to manage another and keep my man’s envy at bay? Pssht. No thanks. I suspect my husband would say the same. Another relationship would be doing too much.

Plus we have seen the drama such things can cause. Our friends have been through this. One’s marriage survived. The other didn’t. But the friendship between the two of them was shattered and because he more or less withdrew from our crew, our friendship had suffered.

Wrong

August 4th, 2011
9:39 am

@A Realist
Just because some person of renown in the Bible did something, doesn’t mean it was “okay” with God. David had a man killed so he could have that man’s wife – murder and adulrty are sin – David was favored because he looked to God as his salvation, not his own acts. David was a sinner.

Marriage is a symbol of Jesus’ relationship with the church and is for our sactification; an open marriage destroys that picture of Christ and celebrates sin.

Celisea

August 4th, 2011
9:40 am

Simple Man please…lol I said that because EVERYTIME there’s a discussion of this sort of marriage and what it consists of or anything self indulgent, the Bible takes all sorts of hits and breakdowns in an attempt to prove why it’s okay to have 10 wives. Well, folks are going to do what they want. Rather than try to “FIND A REASON” why it’s okay (sounds like guilt to me…lol), just go one and do what you feel and what you like. :)

Metro

August 4th, 2011
9:40 am

Thanks Browneyed Girl for clearing that up for Realist. Man does a lot of stuff that God isn’t in and the actions of David and Solomon were not condoned by God and each had to deal with the consequences. Someone mentioned earlier that “traditional” marriage doesn’t work because of all the cheating going on. I beg to differ and say that God’s blueprint for marriage works just fine, but it’s the people in the marriage that don’t work the marriage right. They want to follow their own blueprint and then use the excuse that marriage doesn’t work!

abc

August 4th, 2011
9:44 am

Ya kiddin. I don’t mean to be overly critical, but. Do you actually have these kinds of questions, or is this just stuff you dream up to have a new topic?

Simple Man......

August 4th, 2011
9:45 am

Brown Eyes…What you seem to be missing is that in our purest biological form, we are jsut that animals…The biggest difference is that we have the capacity to exercise FREE WILL!!! For some that choice will be to settle down with a single person. Some of those that made that choice will end up cheating…. Some choose to go another direction and commit on a level that is my mind much more significant. They make an emotional and spiritual commitment that is not base on the physical. I can’t say that I want to be in that tyoe of relationship, but under that right circumstances, i know that I could……

Lovely Brown- Beautiful but selfish as hell!

August 4th, 2011
9:46 am

Let’s not get into FIIIIINDING scriptures to justify our actions.

I agree with Celisea, Leave The Lord outta this…..we(people) always wanna throw God in our mess….He does not bless mess! If you have a open marriage :rolleyes: Do you sweetie! I know that would not work for me. Cheat, let me find out, your azz is history! I don’t have time for that foolishness…too damn old for BS :lol:
Oh, Good Morning to all! :-)

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 4th, 2011
9:49 am

Celisea:
“Sounds like guilt”.
That was funny…..LOL

Simple Man......

August 4th, 2011
9:50 am

Celisea, You know someone has to present the counter argument, or the discussion will go stale pretty quickly… :) That being said, You know as well as I do that some of the worst things that man has ever done have been in the name of God……

MsMarriedUp

August 4th, 2011
9:52 am

The funny thing…and I’ll let this one go…but 99.98% of people work for people who cheat them out of social security, a pension, hell…even a decent salary but since the word SEX isn’t a part of the screw, it must mean we’re not being SCREWED.

shucks…street hustlers work for a paycheck too, and by the way I see it, a screw is a screw.

Brown Eyed Girl!

August 4th, 2011
9:54 am

@Simple Man, I’m not missing the point. I don’t see myself as just an animal because my belief has told me I was made just a little lower than an angel! My belief tells me that I was made to rule over the animals and, because of sin, a gap was placed between me and my Creator that was ultimately filled by my Heavenly Father. Yes we do have free will, but with that free will comes consequences. Do whatever you want to do, but when that woman ties you to a bed, cuts off your junk and puts it in a garbage disposal, you should not be surprised! As Chris Tucker said one time, I’m not saying its right, but I understand! LOL

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 4th, 2011
9:54 am

Hey Lovely:
“too damn old for BS”
I fit that group, handling a good relationship is not that easy.

Brown Eyed Girl!

August 4th, 2011
9:55 am

Sorry, Simple Man! Chris Rock said that! LOL

Purple Reign

August 4th, 2011
9:56 am

ITL and Brown Eyes, thank you for making it plain.

Open Marriage is not for me. And to the guy who said that men are made to do it, how would you feel if your woman did the same with another man? I mean what if some other man is just doing what he is built to do with your wife?

If you share your spouse you don’t respect your spouse.

Into the Light

August 4th, 2011
9:58 am

but 99.98% of people work for people who cheat them out of social security, a pension, hell…even a decent salary

Huh??

And Brown Eyes, you said it so well! Co-signing your 9:54

M. (pronouced M dot)

August 4th, 2011
9:58 am

Good day. I just want to tackle one part of this issue:

“I am referring to a couple both agreeing to let each other know when they meet someone they feel a strong attraction to”

This is simple to me. First there is no way to really define this other than greed. Some people will have everything and STILL not be satisfied.

If you really arent happy, just file for divorce and leave! Yeah her dad will be mad he spent $20,000 on a wedding, yes your family will be mad they spent money on plane tickets, hotels, tuxedos, gifts, etc to see you get married ONE time.

The best analogy to me is a sports analogy. If you play for a team and you arent happy and you want to explore your options with another team, just GO but you cant play for two teams at the same time. You are either in or out. Plain and simple!

Purple Reign

August 4th, 2011
9:59 am

abc, I was wondering how this became a topic as well.

Simple Man from the beginning we were formed in “His” image, not some animals.

Celisea

August 4th, 2011
10:00 am

Ms Lovely…I’m loving this…lol

Lord outta this…..we(people) always wanna throw God in our mess….He does not bless mess! If you have a open marriage :rolleyes: Do you sweetie! I know that would not work for me. Cheat, let me find out, your azz is history!

Blackfoote – :)

Simple Man – Yeah I gotcha. I like it too when it’s a bit heated. It tends to fuel the flow :)

Celisea

August 4th, 2011
10:03 am

Off topic (for a sec)…I don’t listen to Rickey Smiley too much in the morning but did anyone catch the segment of his show where a white guy called in, in a relationship with a black woman but said something was amiss. That things were okay until here of late? OMG they set her up big time and she fail. The boyfield Josh was like “thank Ricky man, glad you did this” LOL. She was really trying to back pedal

Purple Reign

August 4th, 2011
10:03 am

If you need more than one you just lack self control.

Celisea

August 4th, 2011
10:04 am

Into the Light

August 4th, 2011
10:05 am

Celisea, I didn’t hear that, but I was treated to a song from the incomparable Sade as I was pulling into the parking garage. :) Made my outlook for the day much more relaxed and content…

SexyCool

August 4th, 2011
10:07 am

Three Words Daily – Keep going on.

Today, I am encouraging myself. Today, I am digging in and pushing harder, farther, to the limits. Today…{the rest}

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 4th, 2011
10:08 am

Slim1:
Look like we wont get a perspective view about the rules. Maybe he don’t know what rules are either……LOL

SexyCool

August 4th, 2011
10:09 am

Blog Run Report – Me, TheDude, GiGi – Regular Morning Route – 2.25 miles – 40minutes – Power Walk. Taking it light today and tomorrow – I want to max out for the Atlanta’s Finest 5K that my sister and I are running on Saturday morning.

Leggs

August 4th, 2011
10:09 am

Why even take the chance of one of the parties falling for the side piece? Sure, rules are in place that one doesn’t go sleep with the other without their SO knowing, but it doesn’t always work like that. Why even put yourself in that situation where the possibility is so high? No doubt some stick to the guidelines, but some don’t. The probablity of the rules becoming muddled in its original clauses is high.

Simple Man......

August 4th, 2011
10:10 am

Purple, Who did Cain and Able marry????? And please don’t tell me the twins from the movie ATL….

Celisea

August 4th, 2011
10:11 am

Hate you missed it ITL…she got busted

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 4th, 2011
10:12 am

LOL….@Leggs
Those are our rules. What are their rules is what I’d like to know.

Celisea

August 4th, 2011
10:14 am

Simple Man – The biggest difference is that we have the capacity to exercise FREE WILL!!!

You might want to dig a bit deeper on the free will thing…just saying. If it was “okay” to just do whatever the heck you wanted without ever any ramifications or reprecussions I think we would all be running amuck and all over one another. With your choice of “free will” comes a self built “work on it’s own” conscious to help steer and curb som of that freewill.

Leggs

August 4th, 2011
10:14 am

@PR ~ all I did yesterday was elliptical for 30 mins w 5 min cooldown.

Leggs

August 4th, 2011
10:16 am

@Celisea ~ I hate I missed it too. Do you think the relationship will survive? Doesn’t sound like it with all that “back peddling.”

SexyCool

August 4th, 2011
10:18 am

All I know is this…I just want my frickin’ relationship to be regular, to be held to old-fashioned values. One woman. One man. One love. Faithful. Just really, really regular.

There is enough potential drama and bs to deal with from other sources in life and I have no desire to willingly introduce chaos and confusion and other folks into my relationship.

Do I turn a blind eye and act like the possibilities don’t exist? Like my mate cannot be tempted? No…but here is where that hated word….expectations…comes in to play. I expect him to be faithful and that is all.

Should we have an incident to deal with at some point in this relationship, I will burn that bridge when I get to it. Until such time I am going to exercise my faith, in my partner and in my Creator.

***

Robert

August 4th, 2011
10:19 am

Every culture has a different concept of what constitutes marriage between a man and woman. For example in Saudi Arabia a man can divorce his wife if she has 5 daughters and no sons to carry on his name. The husband can take her back to her family, walk around her 3 times and they are officially divorced. The father of the woman is happy to have his granddaughters home because he can marry them off and have more wealth (sheep, cattle, money, etc.) .

In my opinion it depends on your level of maturity. A young married couple trying to start a family will think differently than a older married couple because they have already experienced life (kids, etc.) and are looking to enhance their own sexual desires. Contrary to popular opinion, women are more likely to explore their sexuality and seek a open relationship in their 40-50’s, especially if they married early in life (20’s). Men (20-40) are lustful by nature but lack the experience to convince their woman to explore sex outside of the marriage. Men in their (40-50) need all the help they can get (viagra, etc.) to satisfy their woman sexually and she may want to include younger partners to enhance her own sexual pleasure (cougars). Americans view marriage differently.

SlimNu

August 4th, 2011
10:20 am

Blackfoote – Yeah, I was sitting here waiting to see what they were and so far we’ve flatlined.

Leggs – That’s my point exactly…it’s just a Pandora’s box for disaster if you ask me. I mean, if you’ve been with your partner for some years, then you have the option to seek out new puddy/wang, of course the act, chase, motions of getting with the new puddy/wang is going to blow your old relationship out the water. It’s going to be more exciting and less predictable. So it really doesn’t give your current relationship/marriage much of a chance because you’ll always be chasing the new next high as opposed to finding new ways to keep the main courtship afloat & exciting WITHIN that relationship.

Not so Wise Diva

August 4th, 2011
10:20 am

Wise Diva. ROTFLAMO at this fool.

Leggs

August 4th, 2011
10:22 am

@Blackfoote ~ for those not honoring the rules, their new rules may be a contact with the side piece asking that they meet up with the SO one time only. This will be a one time thing. I just want to enjoy you and your glory with her! Yeah right, dastardly DOG! And if it’s the woman doing it, she’s a dastardly DOGGETTE!

Badd Nuzz

August 4th, 2011
10:22 am

Robert
August 4th, 2011
10:19 am

Every culture has a different concept of what constitutes marriage between a man and woman.
In my opinion it depends on your level of maturity.

In my opinion you are an idiot.

grow up

August 4th, 2011
10:22 am

@A realist, don’t act like you know what God thinks because you don’t. Don’t use God or the Bible to try to justify being loose with no self-respct. The references you used makes it CLEAR that you don’t know the Bible so stop using it until you know what you’re talking about. Mingo, has a wife who lets him CHEAT (yes, it’s cheating not a biological NEED like you so stupidly put it) like this because he picked the doormat low-esteem woman necessary for him to get away with it. A woman with confidence in HERSELF instead of just you, would realize that she deserves better than someone who is as immature about the responsibilities of the male species as you are.

Purple Reign

August 4th, 2011
10:23 am

Simple I will counter your question about Cain and Able with what is the difference between the Old and New Testament?

abc

August 4th, 2011
10:23 am

You are wrong about the idea of free will and its pertinence to God.

It doesn’t matter what we say or do, nothing of our actions or opinions makes any difference to God. We are selectively saved by His mercy alone. If we’re possessed of the Holy Spirit, then what’s free will supposed to be? We’ve given our lives over to it, to live in us, as us. It might seem like we’re driving the car to us, but what do you suppose all of the seemingly random chance is that has everything to do with end results of everything we do?

That is also to say that the only thing that brings a person to God is God Himself. That is also to say that not everyone is called. That is also to say that anything evangelical is a sham. Man can’t bring a man to God. If you don’t believe it, then so be it; the reason is self-evident.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 4th, 2011
10:23 am

One other thing how the hell are there rules for something that’s considered twisted and crooked.

Leggs

August 4th, 2011
10:23 am

meet up WITHOUT the SO….

More Badd Nuzz

August 4th, 2011
10:24 am

Simple Man……
August 4th, 2011
9:45 am

Brown Eyes…What you seem to be missing is that in our purest biological form, we are jsut that animals…The biggest difference is that we have the capacity to exercise FREE WILL!!!

Yeah cause Mr Obama and the govment gonna bail you out of your dumb azz decisions? Again

Celisea

August 4th, 2011
10:26 am

Leggs – Josh (current boyfriend) called the show and as I said mentioned things feeling not quite right. So they called his girl and pretended she had won a vacation. They went on further to say they would need the name of the person to accompany, telling her it could be anyone but it’s intent was to be romantic. Why oh why did she drop her baby’s daddy name…Jarvis…LOL Before she could get it out good ole boy was like “who did you say?” Talk about deer caught in headlights. She was calling the boyfriend’s name but he wasn’t hearing it. Before bringing her in, they asked if he loved her and he said he did but couldn’t continue hanging on if she’s got shenanigans going on. She had the audacity to justify by saying the baby’s father was finally stepping up to the plate…blah blah blah. Okay cool..that’s for the kid though I’m thinking. What does that have to do with relations??? Dude was like you’re gone every night and now I know why…and preciate the helping hand in finding out…lol

SexyCool

August 4th, 2011
10:27 am

Blessings to Mr. Obama on his birthday and every day.

Purple Reign

August 4th, 2011
10:30 am

Leggs, you have to tell me the distance you did. Not interested in the times, did you go the distance?. Good workout SexyCool!

Celisea

August 4th, 2011
10:31 am

And today I will say, it’s not me this time throwing out a defense against folks that want to indulge in shenanigans with no recourse, reprecussions or accountability. I’M AGREEING THOUGH :)

Lovely Brown- Beautiful but selfish as hell!

August 4th, 2011
10:32 am

There is enough potential drama and bs to deal with from other sources in life and I have no desire to willingly introduce chaos and confusion and other folks into my relationship.

SC- I love this!

Yep. Like I said before….too damn old for BS! :lol: