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Mate debate: Can we find everything we want?

I’m not a big fan of dating checklists. I think they end up becoming an excuse not to give perfectly good candidates a real chance. I think we all have our preferences, and we definitely know what grabs our attention. I have to wonder though, how does that all come in to play when we actually meet the person who is ideal for us?

Do you think the person you really want and desiwav can have everything you ever wanted in a mate? Imagine the traits, character, looks, and even the body of your “Dream” mate. Would they want to be with you? Would you be a good match for them?

Do you think the people we are looking for actually exist? Would we recognize them right away or would we miss out because they don’t look/sound/behave the way we expected?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

352 comments Add your comment

Foxy

July 25th, 2011
7:43 am

Morning Kids!

Foxy thinks that sticking o a list and vanity will keep you from your soul mate. Real Love is always transformational

SlimNu

July 25th, 2011
8:53 am

Good morning,

To have a long list of ideals and expect to cross paths with someone that will meet every single item is far fetched and simple crazy….unless of course your list looks like this:

All fingers and toes
A job
A pulse
Speaks some form of English, whether broken, ebonics, spanglish etc

However, we all know that any list we come up with would not look that scarce. I’m sure if we had the ability to create in a factory all the things we wanted in a mate, that once we got that “perfect guy/girl”, we’d probably still find something wrong them. Plus, whose to say that person would want YO ARSE.

It’s Monday so let’s keep it uplifting and fun ;-)

Dave

July 25th, 2011
8:54 am

No, there is no one that will exactly fit your mold perfectly. You just have to find the one that closests fits and see if you can live with the parts that don’t fit. Too often, we compare future prospects to what we have experienced in the past and that’s not fair….but it is reality.

????

July 25th, 2011
8:56 am

I have a question. Why is it that when I was married, women were coming from all angles, propositions, asking me out, etc. Now that I’m divorced, I can literally hear crickets and they won’t give me the time of day. Kind of makes me go “Hmmmmmm…..”

SlimNu

July 25th, 2011
9:01 am

???? – I believe we’ve discussed this sort of thing before. I think it has something to do with the energy or vibes you give off when you’re already in a relationship versus the how it is when you’re single.

Leggs

July 25th, 2011
9:34 am

Good morning.

I don’t think having a list (much like Chili’s list) is a good tool to use when trying to find a mate. However, having comparable traits of faith, character, morals, respect will help one gravitate toward the mate for them. All else can sink in a barrel of cement.

Mr_NYC

July 25th, 2011
9:41 am

Good morning all – a list might have some merit if it was prepared with the assistance of a neutral objective third party who took the time to know you. Otherwise our jaded perceptions and prejudices can sometimes get in our own way. Back to the sidelines, have a good day everyone.
Hello Leggs :-)

By the way, anyone watch Breaking Bad? Has it gotten weird?

Steve

July 25th, 2011
9:46 am

In my mid 40s, it’s hard to find someone without a huge amount of baggage. Like glaring problems. Or you meet someone that is great on paper, but there’s no chemistry. It’s frustrating, this whole dating thing.

Leggs

July 25th, 2011
9:50 am

Hello Mr_NYC! Hope you are well.

@Steve ~ I feel you. At my age, It’s difficult to find someone who wants to build a relationship. So many would rather play “revolving door.” I don’t like the rules to that game so I have to sit on the sidelines.

thewatchdog

July 25th, 2011
9:56 am

That is a great question. I really like it. Their is a per fect match and that is the one that lights your fire every time.

Exiled!

July 25th, 2011
9:59 am

Good morning!

Guys,the female lists don’t matter coz the females use them as talking(discussion) points with friends.
Nothing more, nothing less.

If a guy’s looks are good to the chic,by date three,he’s smashing.

If he sticks it good,when she tosses the panties to the floor, there goes the shallow and superficial list, with them panties!

Tossed for good!

So yeah,umm, List my foot!

MsMarriedUp

July 25th, 2011
10:00 am

I have to agree. The problem with checklists, you have to keep revising and updating. People change. There are at least 6 major phases getting from infancy thru mid-life crisis on to seniorhood.
And then past that…sometimes crap along the way.

Yep, how nice it would be without accidents, and diseases, and unemployment…but stuff happens and changes people and just f’s all be to damn a good thoughtful list. Though (LOL) once upon a time I did make a list. Had 1 requirement on about 50 sheets of separate paper!!!

Mr_NYC

July 25th, 2011
10:05 am

@Exiled Man that’s hilarious and true more times than will be admitted.

SexyCool

July 25th, 2011
10:08 am

Purple Rain

July 25th, 2011
10:15 am

There are over 7 billion people in the world, you can find your exact one if you have patience and are not in a rush. I see nothing wrong for having a list and not settling for something beneath your standard. I said it before and I will say it again, you know you have found the right one when you know that you can’t nor do you have the desire to find someone better.

Leggs

July 25th, 2011
10:15 am

That’s it in a nutshell, PR!

Purple Rain

July 25th, 2011
10:18 am

G’Morning Leggs, how was your weekend?

SexyCool

July 25th, 2011
10:20 am

A “basic” checklist has it’s uses. However, it should be used as a guide and not the hard, fast, unyielding standard.

I see nothing wrong with having a short list of desired traits. I also think it makes sense to update the list as you grow and become to know yourself and what does or does not work for you. If anything, it is proof that you have actually given the dating process some thought and that you are not just out dating blind.

Determine what your dealbreakers are. Compile a list of top desired traits, go with the 80/20 rule and you should be fine.

I mean, think about it, you don’t go house shopping or car buying without a list of desired features…or at least you shouldn’t.

ali

July 25th, 2011
10:20 am

I think lists are overrated as you will never find someone matches all of your requirements. I just want a guy who’s respectful, honest, has a great sense of humor, is employed, single and is mildly attractive. That shouldn’t be too difficult right??

Leggs

July 25th, 2011
10:23 am

@PR ~ weekend was good. Did “some” of my chores, went to a party at a neighbor’s place and chilled on Sunday watching the movie “Thor.” Good movie. I’m refreshed, ready for whatever this week brings my way.

How’s the pregnancy coming along. Any severe mood swings or are you use to it all now?

Leggs

July 25th, 2011
10:28 am

LOL, does one ever get use to severe mood swings?

kimmie

July 25th, 2011
10:30 am

Morning All!

I see nothing wrong with knowing what you want and don’t want, whether you actually write it down or have a sort of mental list. Because see, in a few days the complaint, or topic will be that women and/or men don’t know what they want!

As for having a list and not veering from it as an excuse to not give “perfectly good candidates” a real chance – so what? “Perfectly good” is relative. They may be perfectly good, just not perfect for you. What works for you may be a dealbreaker for someone else.

I’m with Purple – have patience and don’t be in a rush. But that doesn’t mean act like you have all the time in the world and waste people’s time either.

I’m all for having standards. Being flexible and willing to change with circumstances does not mean you’ve abandoned your standards.

Folks can always chide others about being too “picky” when they don’t want to jump at the first person that has a pulse. The thing is, you have to be true to yourself. Settling does nobody any favors, not you or the person you settle for. And you don’t need to try and predict gloom & doom to those that choose not to settle. If a person has decided to focus on a narrow standard and decides to hold to that, more than likely they also understand the “challenges” they might face in finding it and are prepared to deal with it. THEY have to live with their choice, not you!

Celisea

July 25th, 2011
10:32 am

It’s possible to find “everything you want”….keeping mindful, that does not equate “perfection.” If it’s a list you need as a means or a mental note while interacting do what works for you. I too don’t believe a hard line drawn with a gazillion dos don’t cans can’ts wills won’ts just isn’t reality. We aren’t perfect and shouldn’t expect perfection. Moreso a look for someone that mirrors and “believe like I do” is how I tend to operate. Believe like I do meaning, finding ourselves the majority of the time on common ground. Similiar ethics, morals, beliefs, ideas, etc. Similiarities in what we like and do-able solutions where we might not all the time agree.

IMO

July 25th, 2011
10:33 am

If people operated daily at the standard they imposed on others, I could get with lists. But because we don’t, being regular and seeking ideal out of someone else is a little hypocritical. Of course, if you’re being everything you’re asking for, the last sentence doesn’t apply.

Celisea

July 25th, 2011
10:35 am

But because we don’t, being regular and seeking ideal out of someone else is a little hypocritical

and what MrNYC said:

a list might have some merit if it was prepared with the assistance of a neutral objective third party who took the time to know you. Otherwise our jaded perceptions and prejudices can sometimes get in our own way.

If we have to go with a hard drawn list, I agree with both statements.

Leggs

July 25th, 2011
10:35 am

Also, R.I.P, Amy Winehouse. Her last CD is NICE!

SlimNu

July 25th, 2011
10:36 am

I must say I’ve one of the laziest weekends that i’ve had in a loooong time, this past weekend. I barely left the house at all, except to run to the redbox for a movie & pickup some grub. The beau is in Miami this week so it was all about Slim doing whatever the hell I wanted or didn’t want to do.

Purple Rain

July 25th, 2011
10:36 am

Leggs, I am used to it all. My weekend was great the guys went out of state and did some bow hunting and fishing :)

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

July 25th, 2011
10:36 am

Only two kinds of people have flaws…every man and every woman. Look long enough and you will find something. If having any flaw is a deal killer then be prepared to live a very lonely life.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

July 25th, 2011
10:38 am

Re Amy Winehouse, she was big news when I was in England last Spring. The tabloids were documenting her downward spiral and assuming her end was a matter of when not if. Sad. Another talented but tortured soul. Maybe they go hand in hand.

Purple Rain

July 25th, 2011
10:40 am

Do what WORKS for you. Some people can actually find exactly what they were looking for, no excuses or other ways about it. Some can’t. So be it…..

Lovely Brown

July 25th, 2011
10:41 am

Good Morning All! :-)

I agree with Exiled! :shock:

ummmm, I have nothing else to say…..

Purple Rain

July 25th, 2011
10:41 am

Not surprised by Amy Winehouse’s death. The road she stayed on only ended at death, she finally made it to it’s destination.

kimmie

July 25th, 2011
10:42 am

To what Mr NYC said, as much as those close to me think they know me, they really don’t know what’s in my heart. My perceptions and prejudices are what makes me me, the good and the bad. Plus, I’m headstrong. So no way would I be guided by a “list” drawn up by anyone but me. I’m grown, I know what I want and what I need. If I get in my own way, so be it.

SlimNu

July 25th, 2011
10:43 am

Another talented but tortured soul. Maybe they go hand in hand.

Randy – I was thinking the same thing as I was watching Celebrity Rehab last night and just thinking about many folks in the world of entertainment that have crazy issues…If you think about some of the histories of these people, we would probably be amazed at what it showed. Maybe gifts are like diamonds that are formed from high pressure applied to coal….

Purple Rain

July 25th, 2011
10:48 am

Slim, I think that there are many more talented people with gifts that are not facing “issues” than there are those that are.

Leggs

July 25th, 2011
10:51 am

That’s good, PR. I believe in men having their “man time” away from the females.

Leggs

July 25th, 2011
10:55 am

Unfortunately, we all saw her death quickly approaching.

Leggs

July 25th, 2011
10:56 am

It’s a little slow in here in. I have a “What Would You Do” scenario that just happened. You want to hear about it?

SlimNu

July 25th, 2011
10:58 am

PRain – Could very well be…guess we just get a few stories that makes us believe it’s the whole lot of them…TV at it’s finest ;-)

I saw the movie Unknown with Liam Neeson and it was pretty good. I was not expecting that outcome at all…

Into the Light

July 25th, 2011
11:00 am

Good morning, all and happy Monday!

I think it’s a good idea to have an idea of what you do/do not want in a mate, but I never made a pen and paper list until after my last breakup. It helped the healing process to clarify what I did and did not want going forward.

Amy Winehouse….not unexpected, but so tragic and sad.

Purple Rain

July 25th, 2011
11:00 am

I like Liam’s movies. DIdn’t his wife die while he was filming Uknown?

Leggs, what do you have?

Celisea, good morning!

Purple Rain

July 25th, 2011
11:01 am

Not trying to be a tool, but why is it tragic now that she is dead? Actually I am kind of happy for here because she no longer has to struggle with her addictions anymore.

SlimNu

July 25th, 2011
11:06 am

Leggs – Go for it….nothing else poppin off in here…Give us what you got ;-)

Leggs

July 25th, 2011
11:08 am

“What Would You Do”

My ex called me last night asking if I could store his mother’s items in my garage. She’s moving down here at the end of this month. Supposedly her other son rented her a storage unit but when they got there with the truck last night, someone else’s lock was on it. Yeah, ok. Hmmmmm….Anyway, they called their cousin who said she didn’t have space. So, he calls me asking if I would be willing to pull my car out of the garage and store the items for a short time. At first I was offended simply because my ex-MIL did not care for me. She has ignored my child when she was born and still barely corresponds with her. The birth of the other two children by her other son made her get on a plane and come see those “golden children” who are hellions. She’s the type to smile in your face and SLAM you behind your back. She said some pretty mean things about me over the years (all the while believing her son could do no harm but marry me). She even told me the worst day of her son’s life was when he married me….WOW!!!!! During that same convo I was attempting to talk to her about her son and his actions. After she said that to me, I simply hung up on her. OMG, that was the “hang up” heard around the Long Island Sound. My then hubby came home ready to wring my neck for hanging up on his mother. I told him he can eat the same isht his mother is eating if he thinks I’m concerned that her feelings are hurt.

Although I was a bit pissed to be asked to do anything to assist his mother, I relented. When they all got back to my house they started unloading all that stuff. My ex thanked me profusely because he knew I didn’t want to do this. His mother left me a voicemail (pretty sure at his request) thanking me saying I helped her put out a fire and left her number. I promptly deleted the number. I haven’t spoken to this woman in 8 years.

This is a prime example of why one shouldn’t burn their bridges!!! Would you have helped out or let them suffer through their bad planning???

SexyCool

July 25th, 2011
11:09 am

“a neutral, objective third party who took the time to know you”

Does that exist? I mean, really, anyone who took the time to know me would now have formed some sort of opinion about me that would affect both neutrality and objectivity.

As to the Winehouse of it all, I can’t tell you a single song she sang, but I can tell you that her death was certainly no surprise because any time I’ve EVER heard her name, it was attached to drunken, drugged behavior. And quite frankly, Ms. Winehouse was committing suicide right before our eyes. And for most, it was little more than entertainment news, fodder for gossip.

Celisea

July 25th, 2011
11:09 am

Morning to you PR!! So I see the mancation was good for you :)

Amy Winehouse – It’s just tragic to me because dope and drugs are soooo senseless and many many times a person can’t get free. I believe God delivers but it’s such an uphill climb that many don’t possess the faith needed for getting there.

SlimNu

July 25th, 2011
11:11 am

PR – I didn’t hear that about his wife…that would be terrible if that was the case…I’ll try to look it up. One of the mangers here at my job husband died a few weeks ago. They were planning a camping trip and she was to go ahead and head to the site while he took care of some last minute things at the house….Needless to say, he never made it to meet up with her. He ended up having a heart attack. From what I hear, they were the type of couple that always did stuff together, traveled, partied, camping etc Terrible thing to lose your soulmate

Celisea

July 25th, 2011
11:12 am

I think the point MrNYC was driving with his statement had more so the intent of being objective if you’re going to draw a list or hard line what you deem “perfect” for you. I don’t think was he said differs too much from any that said you can’t expect perfection because no one is perfect. I agree it’s hypocritical to expect in return what a person can’t deliver themselves.

Exiled!

July 25th, 2011
11:12 am

Amy Drughouse’s death tragic?

Don’t think so unless u wanna be romantic!

She died High…. floating High Happy!

The best death one could ever Imagine!!