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Is their home life a mystery?

One of our readers would like some advice about a new romance she is in. They have been on at least 4 dates and they met Memorial Day weekend. She has had him over to her place and he even met some of her friends. However, he has been a little less inclined to share his home life with her.

She has not seen where he lives, nor does he talk about his personal life that much. Obviously, it makes her uneasy because she is starting to think he is concealing something or someone. Do you think it is a red flag if you don’t get invited over to someone’s place?

It is possible that he is a private person. How quickly do you let people in – so to speak?

When do you introduce the person you are dating to friends and family? Do you wait until you are in an exclusive relationship?

What would you do if the person you are interested in is too mysterious for you? Do you snoop and do your own digging or cut your losses at the “shady” behavior?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

429 comments Add your comment

Celisea

July 21st, 2011
10:56 am

I wouldn’t ask those type questions with dates being few far and in between but with no clarity, we would default completely to being done.

Leggs

July 21st, 2011
10:56 am

@Him ~ you are dating some very shallow people. I can’t imagine any woman walking that wouldn’t understand and APPRECIATE what you’re doing.

kimmie

July 21st, 2011
10:57 am

4 Real – I’ve heard guys say the same thing actually, about dirty women. Actually, once I had invited a guy over to my house for the first time. He proceeded to the kitchen and opened my fridge and pantry. He smiled. Then he asked to use the restroom. I was looking at him like he was crazy. He explained he was checking to see if I was nasty because his last lady friend was and he couldn’t deal with it again.

I guess I passed the test. :shock:

SexyCool

July 21st, 2011
10:57 am

Reminds me of a guy that I met at a Hawks game a few years back. He would call like once a week, trying to get me to meet him out somewhere, saying he had just come back in town from business travel and he wanted to see me. I would decline the impromptu invitations. After about a month, I said to him, “Look, if you don’t have enough interest in or respect for me to call and plan a proper date, you can just stop calling me. I won’t be mad and both of our lives will go on.”

Last time I’ve ever spoke to him in life. True story. (lol)

Button

July 21st, 2011
10:59 am

@ Sassy, why should she should’ve been gone long time ago?

Fion

July 21st, 2011
10:59 am

@ Leggs
You would be amazed.

Just sayin’

Purple Rain

July 21st, 2011
11:00 am

Sexy Cool, I am sorry but I was just really working hard on getting my bedazzled socks business off the ground. Care to me at the Hawks Season opener?

Sassy, me chinese me play joke me put……..LOL

A dirty woman’s house would make me question her body cleanliness.

For Real

July 21st, 2011
11:01 am

Purp: Yep. Right in all 7 of our faces. The follow up question was how often do you clean your house and the answer was “I don’t clean my house I get a service for that!” Next questions was how often do you cook and the answer was “I don’t”. Our response was DAYUMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!

Celisea: Can you expound upon your #3?

ScooL: Exactly!!

Purple Rain

July 21st, 2011
11:02 am

For Real, I bet she was single too wasn’t she?

SexyCool

July 21st, 2011
11:02 am

kimmie – I would have then had to have him take me to his house for a similar look-see.

Don’t come up in my space performing a home inspection and not expect one in return.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

July 21st, 2011
11:05 am

My reaction is the same as all the above…MARRIED WITH CHILDREN!!! Honestly, we are talking 1 1/2 dates per month here with no disclosure. I hesitate to say this, but your friend is either desperate, or not the sharpest tool in the shed. This one is tooooo easy.

Simple Man....

July 21st, 2011
11:05 am

Celisea,

The only thing in your 10:52 that should matter after 4 DATES is number 1 and Of course number 4…..

Fion

July 21st, 2011
11:05 am

@ Leggs
to futher prove my point (not that I need to), just read what For Real is saying. That’s what’s walking round out here cause he ain’t lying.

Celisea

July 21st, 2011
11:05 am

3. If not, what’s up with few far and inbetween

Few fare and inbetween for me feels and sounds like I’m either in rotation, you have a wife or even with nothing to do on a sunny day, I’m not your a priority. I don’t think I’d stick around trying to understand the obvious.

For Real

July 21st, 2011
11:06 am

Kimmie: Yeah nasty is nasty but ain’t nothing nastier than a nasty woman.

Purp: Yep but all of them were of the I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.A.N.T variety. They been around each other and cosigning each other for so long they believe the ish that’s coming from their mouths.

Purple Rain

July 21st, 2011
11:06 am

You can tell, if a perspon is clean or not as soon as you make it to the couch or by the persons car interior.. The car is hit or miss, but if the car is clean with a woman more than likely her house is too. Now with a guy if his car is clean his house can still be trashy….but them rims are still spinning!

Button

July 21st, 2011
11:07 am

Kimmie Kimmie the dude went into your fridge and pantry? classic snooping with eyes wide open lol

Exiled!

July 21st, 2011
11:08 am

A dirty woman’s house would make me question her body cleanliness

:lol:

Purp..a co-worker saw me laughing and asked ‘why u laughing like that?’

:lol:

Celisea

July 21st, 2011
11:08 am

I had invited a guy over to my house for the first time. He proceeded to the kitchen and opened my fridge and pantry. Then he asked to use the restroom. He explained he was checking to see if I was nasty….

That would have been his last time. You taking liberties will get you shut down as quick a man would do a woman for living with the nasties.

Simple Man – The only thing in your 10:52 that should matter after 4 DATES is number 1 and Of course number 4…..

No, the only thing that should matter after 4 dates in 2 months is finding the exit sign.

Purple Rain

July 21st, 2011
11:09 am

For Real, they probably all like each other. Until some man comes and runs a game on them, then they secretly act hard when she is with the other girls but is a kitty cat when with the dude. He loses respect for her because she is one way with him and projects another when with her friends. He then starts to play her, they break up she is even more bitter and back with her girls even more “independant”

kimmie

July 21st, 2011
11:10 am

Not only that, why is she questioning his home life, friends and family after only 4 dates. Enjoy the dates and see if there’s a true connection where they will want to become exclusive.

Leggs – I wouldn’t be questioning his life after 4 dates if those 4 dates were so far apart, as these appear to have been. Because, like Purple said, after about a month it’s obvious things are not going to go “exclusive”. There is no true connection, at least not on his part.

There should be a vibe there that, while neither has to have laid everything out on the table, there shouldn’t be any discomfort about the unknown either. I’ve met men who’ve been in “situations” before – yes, lived with mom, took care of sick parents, etc. No we didn’t sit and have a long drawn out convo about it, but it was a part of their life and they were just matter-of-fact about it. No evasiveness. EACH and EVERY time I thought I smelled a rat – there was one!

Celisea

July 21st, 2011
11:10 am

I agree with you men on nasty women. That mess ain’t cool. I had a dude to compliment me and say “and it’s clean too” but he wasn’t walking around…nuh uh, no way…lol

I tell my daughter ALLLLLLL the time, ain’t no dude going to deal with your nasties. I STAY on her about cleanliness.

Simple Man....

July 21st, 2011
11:11 am

SexyC…define a “proper date”????

Sassy Black..Good is good..GREAT is better ;-)

July 21st, 2011
11:11 am

Button really?…you need ask? Get better boo boo….you can do it :mrgreen:

For Real

July 21st, 2011
11:12 am

Celisea: What liberties did he take? The kitchen and the bathroom are open areas to a guess?

kimmie

July 21st, 2011
11:12 am

SCool – You know I did. He house was immaculate, almost better than mine!

Button

July 21st, 2011
11:14 am

Yeah I asked, I would like your reasoning behind her should’ve been gone.

Celisea

July 21st, 2011
11:14 am

For Real – My house…mine, the one I own is not open for inspection. I’m clean and my house is clean. If you’re an invited guest, be that not an inspector.

For Real

July 21st, 2011
11:15 am

Purp: Exactly but you left out one of her friends starts fuggin him cause she deserves to be happy too. Then when the chick finds out they will spin it around and call the dude all kinds of dogs all the while promoting their sisterhood of independence.

SexyCool

July 21st, 2011
11:17 am

Simple – a lot of activities/meetings/planned events/unplanned events can be considered a date of course. However, if buddy had not developed a immediate pattern of attempting to see me on the run, my spidey sense would not have been alerted so quickly.

But really, if all you’re doing is calling me after your “plane just landed at Hartsfield” or at the last minute on a Saturday afternoon, talking about “I’m going to hang out with my boys later on, but wanted to see if I could I come through.”, then hell naw, negro, you can’t.

For Real

July 21st, 2011
11:18 am

Celisea: So you are saying it’s unreasonable for a person to inspect your kitchen if he/she is going to partake in a meal and it’s unreasonable for a person to inspect your bathroom if they are going to partake in a dump?

Celisea

July 21st, 2011
11:20 am

I’m saying it’s unreasonable to walk your azz around my house checking for stuff. If it’s the kitchen we’re entertaining do that and trust me to have handled the cleaning part before you came and as something I do…daily…you ain’t gotta inspect. If you need to take a dump, you’re free to do so without checking up and inspecting. Spin how you wish, there’s a difference.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

July 21st, 2011
11:20 am

LOL….@Sassy
Button wants your reasoning.

Purple Rain

July 21st, 2011
11:20 am

For Real, lol they are all independant but all are jumping in bed with the same guy. Then he is the bad guy when it is over. So that explains the 4 dates in 3 months. LOL He is just working them all. lol

For Real your 11:18 you always have to inspect the seat before you sit down on it.

Button

July 21st, 2011
11:20 am

If a guy invities me to his house and he doesn’t take the initative to clean up then he’s just nasty and lazy and don’t give a fluke. nasty is as nasty does. you can tell when someone just cleaned up, the house smells like pine sol…lol

Celisea

July 21st, 2011
11:21 am

So For Real, you have no problem if the lady you’ve invited over drops her purse and proceeds to walk around to see if it’s up to standard?

Purple Rain

July 21st, 2011
11:21 am

We have to have had 4 dates before I take a dump at her house. Once you get a whiff of what I can put out we have to be committed to each other. LOL

Sassy Black..Good is good..GREAT is better ;-)

July 21st, 2011
11:21 am

Button…reading is fundamental.

kimmie

July 21st, 2011
11:22 am

Celisea – You sound just like how my mom was with me. I am that way with my daughter, a straight-up drill sergeant! No, I didn’t dump dude then, but he got the same treatment back. I did let him know it was very rude though.

I had to get on one of my friends about keeping her house nasty. It was a factor in why she got divorced, I do believe. She was at it again with a guy she was dating. I came over and her place looked like the city dump. Her man was out of town but coming thru that weekend. I asked her if she was going to clean up and she said no. She said “he KNOWS me, he won’t care”. I told her he may not say anything because he wants to get the goods, but he definitely will notice and care. Men don’t like nasty women. She thought about it and got it together.

Fion

July 21st, 2011
11:23 am

@For Real

you puttin it down this morning Cat! Now, that is straight Talk. The scenario’s you laying out with Prup are spot on.

Fion

July 21st, 2011
11:23 am

meant Purp!!!

Leggs

July 21st, 2011
11:23 am

@Fion ~ just got back on. Are you referring to For Real’s post about women not cleaning and hiring a service and not cooking? If so, yeah I am amazed at women who do that. Me, I clean my own home and I cook my own darn food! Even if I had the $$ to waste like that, I wouldn’t!

@Celisea ~ I just told my rug rat last night that her college roommate is going to hate her because she’s a slob. I seemed to have hurt her feelings. We all know, the truth can sometimes hurt!

Celisea

July 21st, 2011
11:24 am

Kimmie – I wasn’t knocking you. I thought that was rude. IMO if he knew you well enough, he should have trusted you would handle your business.

Yes ma’am drill sergeant is my name when it comes to her room. She asked me the other day if I wanted to come watch a movie in her room with her. I was like, I don’t think so :|

Button

July 21st, 2011
11:24 am

smh @ Sassy..not going there with you. I asked a simple ? and you’re taking to another level.

and you wonder why we can’t get ahead.

Him

July 21st, 2011
11:26 am

Leggs — I wouldn’t say they’re shallow. They’re just pragmatic. Every decision we make is based upon what we perceive to be in our own best self interest (but that’s a whole topic in and of itself). Most women are able to see that whatever benefits there might be of getting involved in a situation that also requires that they care for someone else’s pets / kids / others are generally outweighed by the problems those things cause for them. As long as that is true, they will not get involved in such a situation. Can’t blame ‘em.

Celisea

July 21st, 2011
11:27 am

And if my house is not clean you’ll know that by how I carry myself way ahead of any home inspection. I agree with whatever person said if your house is clean you hygiene is questionable or not up to par.

Fion

July 21st, 2011
11:28 am

@ Leggs
Yep. I was just using what For Real saying as example. Now that sounds crazy, but it’s true.
You would be amazed at some Women today.

SexyCool

July 21st, 2011
11:28 am

“Shug Avery got that nasty woman’s disease.”

Boy….I tell ya’….laughing my ass off…..

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

July 21st, 2011
11:28 am

Sassy it’s getting worse isn’t it. You ready to burst?….LOL

Celisea

July 21st, 2011
11:29 am

Leggs – I seemed to have hurt her feelings. We all know, the truth can sometimes hurt

Exactly. I know I was stepping on toes last night about the dirty room and this morning about just being plain ole lazy but if mama don’t tell ‘em who will? I tell her because I love her and want her to know if you don’t strive and do better….well