Is their home life a mystery?
One of our readers would like some advice about a new romance she is in. They have been on at least 4 dates and they met Memorial Day weekend. She has had him over to her place and he even met some of her friends. However, he has been a little less inclined to share his home life with her.
She has not seen where he lives, nor does he talk about his personal life that much. Obviously, it makes her uneasy because she is starting to think he is concealing something or someone. Do you think it is a red flag if you don’t get invited over to someone’s place?
It is possible that he is a private person. How quickly do you let people in – so to speak?
When do you introduce the person you are dating to friends and family? Do you wait until you are in an exclusive relationship?
What would you do if the person you are interested in is too mysterious for you? Do you snoop and do your own digging or cut your losses at the “shady” behavior?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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429 comments Add your comment
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
July 21st, 2011
10:30 am
Leggs:
That caught me off gaurd. Wolves are cunning creatures….LOL
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2011
10:31 am
Why should he break it off, he is getting what he wants.
Button
July 21st, 2011
10:31 am
LOL @ all of why oh why
BlackMagicWoman...in NYC
July 21st, 2011
10:31 am
HIM….then you are being deceitful. If what you say is true, then of course you are doing what is expected of you when it come to aging or ailing parents. But at the same time you are not giving the lady the chance to make a yay or nay decision on if dating you is a worth or a waste of time. Would you like being an “in the meanwhile date” to a woman when you are looking for a real relatiosnhip, and she knows that she is keeping you in the dark? You would be mad as hell. To me it takes too much work to play the I will let you know info in spurts game. I am all about putting all the cards on the table so we both know what the other wants, (if one wants a relationship and the other does not, split now and move on to find someone with the same like mindframe), we learn of expectations, will stand for, won’t stand for, automatic deal-breakers, etc. Things are MUCH easier that way. But because grwon @$$ folks can’t be upfront and NOT act like children, and greedy lil’ b@stards…is why we have all the problems that we do! I can’t do the representative crap either. Unless I am a performing, it takes way too much work to be anybody or anything than I really am. When someone meets me, what they see and get on day one…is the same that will continue to get. Granted, we all grow and mature. But that is totally different than plain ole deception, the old bait and switch. Men, stop lying and tell females BS just because you want the booty. You are too old for that crap once you hit 25! Stop acting like the old head in the 18 and up club! Grow up. Ladies, stop being delusional and thinking YOU can be the one to tame or change the Playboy. It will either take GOD or himself to make that change!
Ok….I am hopping of my soapbox…for now!
For Real
July 21st, 2011
10:31 am
ScooL: The only relationship going on is in her head. Hell ole boy probably doesn’t know the depths of her psychoticness.
Dayum For Real just made a new word. I’m going to put that word right up there with Jessie Jackson’s “joggatize”.
SexyCool
July 21st, 2011
10:32 am
Fion – possibly – but let’s break some of these statements down.
“My life is boring.” You working a full time job and taking care of your sick mother. How do you have time to be “bored”?
“I date in order to get OUT of the house and enjoy myself a little bit.” – If he is dating for entertainment (which he is well in his rights to do) and she is dating for a relationship. Well……
“If I tell her these things, she will probably never see me again, and I cannot blame her.” – If you tell her what? That you work a lot and have your mother living with you because she is sick and you are taking care of her? or…That you are dating just to break up the monotony? Case 1 – if she leaves, so be it. Either she was not of strong character or she is exercising her right to step away from a decision that she chooses not to take on…kinda like someone choosing not to date someone with kids. Case 2 – again…if she is dating because she wants to be in a serious relationship, you’re right. You can’t blame her for gettin’ the hell on.
“So, I just leave things as they are and play this out for as long as I can because she is nice and I enjoy being with her. When she leaves, I’ll try to find someone else who I can date again for awhile until the cycle repeats itself. ” – Punk move. Too much game playing in relationships as it is. Be upfront with a person and allow them the choice of making a decision to be involved with you.
Josh Hamilton
July 21st, 2011
10:33 am
Here’s what I would do: Lure him to a baseball game and get front row seats in the first inning. Ask him straight up whether he is cheating on you or not, if he is, give me the signal and I’ll take care of the rest…
THIRST FOR BLOOD ‘11
chris
July 21st, 2011
10:33 am
why is everyone over reacting? maybe the dude has dated some crazy women. there are quite a lot of you. could it possibly be that the guy had a bad past relationship or a stalker or something crazy? just as much of a chance that is whats happening. but all women want to do is say….”hes married or it has to be a problem with him…maybe hes weary of women…and rightfully so.
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2011
10:33 am
I say this with full confidence, this is all her fault. She chooses to still deal with it.
Simple Man....
July 21st, 2011
10:33 am
Sooooooo the women here are suggesting that ole boy just put all of his bizness in the street in the first four dates????
Him
July 21st, 2011
10:36 am
SexyCool — I’ve been around long enough to know that — when push comes to shove — no-one else really wants to help care for someone else’s pets, kids, or any other family member for which you have responsibility. Some might sincerely think they won’t mind, but when faced with actually doing it after the inevitable hum-drum settles in with the partner that drew them into it, the appeal quickly wears off and things very easily take an ugly turn. Hard to blame anyone — that’s just the way it is. Would consider getting rid of a pet (if I had one) under those circumstances, but kids (if I had them) and Mom are here to stay.
Button
July 21st, 2011
10:36 am
@ Josh how can you cheat on someone you’re just dating?
kimmie
July 21st, 2011
10:36 am
why can’t she be held accountable for even putting up with or still hanging around someone who is not meeting her standards.
Purple – I don’t think anyone is saying she’s not to be held accountable, at least from what I’m reading. Whatever his reasons are for holding back, and they could be quite innocent and honorable, he’s not letting her in and most of us are saying she should move on.
Even if she took him back to her place and it went down on the first date, so what? She intoduced him to her friends after so what? They’ll be some guy out there that’ll be just fine with that. Folks have gotten married and moved at faster paces. She just needs to look for someone who’s comfortable moving at the same pace she is.
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2011
10:37 am
Simple Man, I am just amazed that few are holding her accountable at all. Even if the guy is innocent or guilty of any wrong doings.
For Real
July 21st, 2011
10:38 am
Amem Purp!!! The ladies are so quick to every reason under the sun why ole boy is wrong but place no blame on the chick.
SexyCool
July 21st, 2011
10:38 am
Plito – no one absolved her of any responsibility. Whereas he seems to have too much going on his life, she doesn’t have enough. Because quite frankly if I’d only been on a date with a person four times in two months, I’m probably really not going to give him too much thought….UNLESS….I’d slept with him. Which could result in an initial o-induced clouding of my vision, but er, um…yeah…no dizzle is good enough to make me set up camp in FantasyLand.
Yall are right about the fact that babygirl is in this relationship by herself.
Button
July 21st, 2011
10:39 am
@ chris there’s so many possibilities with the dude but he’s the only one with the answer of what’s really going on. We sometimes always go for the negative instead of being optimistic. Besides it’s only been 4 dates!
BlackMagicWoman...in NYC
July 21st, 2011
10:39 am
SIMPLE MAN…I am not saying put your SS number, Credit Score and family deep dark secrets out on front street. …dayum, If I wanted a mystery, I’d join Scooby Doo’s crew and go hunting for msysteries to solve! I should not have to be Sherlock Homegirl to find out about a grown @$$ man. I personally will ask a guy what I want to know. If he proceeds to lie, then he is a scumbag who should kicked in the groin with pointy stillettos! I am woman enough to either tell the truth or simple say I do not wish to answer that question at that moment. If he decides that that answer will not suffice, he is free to exit stage left! If the table were turned and it were me, I would respect that. Not saying that I’d like it, but I sure would respect him for it.
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2011
10:39 am
So the resolution is for her to move on. See situations like this happen when you lead with your heart and not your mind first. DATE LIKE A MAN! Make sure she/he is worthy before jumping in and introducing people. Gave up the goods to quick because you thought it would last, now in the 4th month you are the same as you started….just a random piece of ass
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
July 21st, 2011
10:40 am
Kimmie exactly if they dont’ want to share no matter the reason fine with me, really a lot I don’t care to know but give me some basics and were’re cool.
Sassy Black..Good is good..GREAT is better ;-)
July 21st, 2011
10:40 am
the women here are suggesting that ole boy just put all of his bizness in the street in the first four dates????
No not all of his bizness perse….but if they’re not on the same romantic page then she needs to know so she can go….S.T.A.T. She should’ve been gone already…
Josh Hamilton
July 21st, 2011
10:41 am
I think you misremembered what I said Button. What I meant was, if they’re lying, then I will, let’s just say ‘take them out’ for you. (kill them)
I’m like Hamilton, like the old Josh Hamilton
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2011
10:42 am
Maybe she has a dirty house and bad hygeine and he is hoping she will get it together eventually or maybe she had friends who are finer than her and he is biding his time to get to them. HE probably just doesn’t like her enough and he visits her on his slow days.
SexyCool
July 21st, 2011
10:42 am
ALL in business? ALL? I think the following are standard get to know you questions:
So, where do you work? I’m a security guard downtown.
What part of town do you live in? Decatur
Do you live alone? No. I take care of my mother. She lives with me.
What do you do with your free time? What free time? I work and I take care of my mother.
For Real
July 21st, 2011
10:43 am
Okay, lets set the record str8.
Blog ladies after 4 dates in 2 months what information do need to know about a dude? (sex doesn’t matter)
Blog dudes the same question for you.
Exiled!
July 21st, 2011
10:43 am
Sexycool..why does he not break it off?
Ha…
a lion chasing away a goat falling onto it’s path.
ComeOn SexxyCool. U wiser than that!
Some women are just desperate Period!
She was trying(proly) to reel him in by inviting him to the crib and giving it Up.
You know ladies,that happens.
But in this case it’s(proly) not working…
Him
July 21st, 2011
10:43 am
Oh … I haven’t been deceitlful … she hasn’t asked. If she asks pointed questions about my personal life, I will answer them as honestly as I’m able. Instead, she — apparently — ‘just wonders’ and looks here for advice. She is nice, and I enjoy being with her, but I’m afraid she’s not very smart. Oh well — can’t have everything.
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2011
10:43 am
Sassy, wouldn’t you think a sane woman would know if it were 30 days in between dates that she should move on? Especially if they live int he same city?
Celisea
July 21st, 2011
10:44 am
If a man wants to be (really wants to be) with a woman he WILL make it happen
Cosign – Money and time are the two things men will do for a woman they’re truly intersted in.
This is not rocket science. She’s needs to ask what she wants to know rather than asking…should she ask. If she can’t get straight answers she needs to get in the wind…with the quickness. Next couple of months when it’s time for their scheduled date, she’s need to get ghost.
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
July 21st, 2011
10:45 am
LOL….Purple have given BMW that spanking yet? She needs the open hand method.
SexyCool
July 21st, 2011
10:45 am
Oh…and IF I’d slept with him too quick and finally saw reason after I came out of the haze of o’s (hopefully), then I would count it as a life experience and move on. No use being clingy and needy and bitter and let it take up any more of my life than necessary.
SERIOUSLY?!?!??!
July 21st, 2011
10:45 am
Seriously…If he is single (which I SERIOUSLY doubt) then he obviously isn’t THAT into her. She is his fall back girl and “thing to do” when he doesn’t haven’t anything better on his calendar. If a guy is into you, he WILL make time for you; plain and simple! And if he isn’t then WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MAKING TIME FOR HIM!?!?! Have more respect for yourself women!!!!
Josh Hamilton
July 21st, 2011
10:46 am
So, where do you work? The Ballpark at Arlington
What part of town do you live in? Dallas
Do you live alone? I live alone, and I work alone.
What do you do with your free time? Murders and Executions, while battling my former demons.
THIRST FOR BLOOD ‘11. 6′3 f’ing drilling home runs
kimmie
July 21st, 2011
10:46 am
chris – That’s cool if he’s cautious. He’s within his rights. I just wouldn’t want to date him.
Simple – To your question, speaking for myself, no. But there is a difference between being private and being evasive and sneaky. You know that.
Simple, you have said you enjoy dating and you see more than one lady. Can you say your behavior models the behavior of the guy in question here?
Celisea
July 21st, 2011
10:47 am
What the heck is him is talking about???
Simple Man....
July 21st, 2011
10:47 am
Lets flip this around…If this were a woman and she was “particular” about the info she gave a dude..Or if a he had not been to her home after four dates would the ladies assume her isht was shady as well ????
Baam
July 21st, 2011
10:47 am
She gotta ask him about it, see what he says. Of course, she gotta be delicate so it don’t sound paranoid or psycho. But still, guessing and speculating is just that.
Amazing to me how many people with “relationship issues won’;t start by TALKING to the other person FIRST. In person. Look in their eyes, watch body language, get the feel of it.
Purple Rain 10:28 said it all. NEXT TOPIC. this one is dead.
Celisea
July 21st, 2011
10:48 am
What the heck is him talking about? This place is becoming the playground for lunatics.
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2011
10:48 am
Blackfoote, BMW has tourettes or something, open hand spankings will not help. Just don’t fall asleep around her.
BMW are you one of those chitty chatty women on the first date that doesn’t let the guy say a word? LOL
For Real
July 21st, 2011
10:49 am
Purp: DIRTY HOUSE!!!! Man you would not believe the number of nasty ass women walking around this city. Me and my crew were just discussing this the other day. When did women stop being clean? We got an answer when a several women overheard our conversation. Their answer was “So long as my daughter has good grades she doesn’t have to worry about cooking and cleaning. I’m her mother and that’s what I’m suppose to do”
Button
July 21st, 2011
10:49 am
@ purple maybe he’s not ready to take her home yet. plain and simple.
4 dates in 2 months? well at least he’s still coming around..lol he must like something about the lady.
classic addictive personality
Leggs
July 21st, 2011
10:51 am
“…the minute I have to sit and question things and have my imagination run wild is the minute I start formulating my exit plan.”
Not only that, why is she questioning his home life, friends and family after only 4 dates. Enjoy the dates and see if there’s a true connection where they will want to become exclusive. Now, if they’ve already shared the milk and cookies, that’s a mistake on her part. Sorry, but that’s how I see it.
Celisea
July 21st, 2011
10:52 am
Blog ladies after 4 dates in 2 months what information do need to know about a dude? (sex doesn’t matter)
1. If you’re married
2. Rotation?
3. If not, what’s up with few far and inbetween
4. If you’re seeing dudes on the side
5. If you’re employed
6. If you’re living with your mama
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2011
10:52 am
For Real, that was actually said with a straight face to you?
Button, yep maybe so.
SexyCool
July 21st, 2011
10:52 am
For Real – to answer your question.
Nothing. Because there wouldn’t be a date number 5.
Button
July 21st, 2011
10:53 am
co sign @ Leggs
Sassy Black..Good is good..GREAT is better ;-)
July 21st, 2011
10:53 am
wouldn’t you think a sane woman would know if it were 30 days in between dates that she should move on?
Am I bloggin in Chinese? That’s what I’ve said…per my last post. She should’ve been gone a long time ago. At least that’s what I thought I said per my 10:40.
Sassy Black..Good is good..GREAT is better ;-)
July 21st, 2011
10:54 am
Nothing. Because there wouldn’t be a date number 5
neeext….
SERIOUSLY?!?!??!
July 21st, 2011
10:55 am
I agree with Purple Rain on this is completely HER fault! Why does this girl not see more value in herself? What is wrong with women these days? Are they all just so desperate that they will put up with anything that a man is willing to throw them???? UGH! It makes me sic kand embarrassed to be a single woman in this city!
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2011
10:56 am
They haven’t been dealing with each other long enough to have to develop a plan of exit. Just leave. LOL
Simple math. I want to go out with someone, they are not available when I went to see them or talke etc. Guess what, I don’t deal with that person. LOL she would not get past the 30 day mark, without a valid explanation. Heck even if it were valid I probably still wouldn’t wait. i would think that they have to much going on to be with me.