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Is their home life a mystery?

One of our readers would like some advice about a new romance she is in. They have been on at least 4 dates and they met Memorial Day weekend. She has had him over to her place and he even met some of her friends. However, he has been a little less inclined to share his home life with her.

She has not seen where he lives, nor does he talk about his personal life that much. Obviously, it makes her uneasy because she is starting to think he is concealing something or someone. Do you think it is a red flag if you don’t get invited over to someone’s place?

It is possible that he is a private person. How quickly do you let people in – so to speak?

When do you introduce the person you are dating to friends and family? Do you wait until you are in an exclusive relationship?

What would you do if the person you are interested in is too mysterious for you? Do you snoop and do your own digging or cut your losses at the “shady” behavior?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

429 comments Add your comment

Simple Man....

July 21st, 2011
8:18 am

LOL…Are you serious???? Please tell me that this woman is not that blind…….

ali

July 21st, 2011
8:19 am

He’s married!!

missy

July 21st, 2011
8:19 am

Only 4 dates since Memorial Weekend? He’s either not into her as much as she is into him or he’s got a wife and kids at home…just saying!

NLT

July 21st, 2011
8:29 am

Soulds like he’s married or just isn’t that interested. She should move on. At least she’s asking the question early and didn’t wait for months.

Mark B

July 21st, 2011
8:32 am

Google him or check out Facebook. Might get lucky.

Him

July 21st, 2011
8:50 am

I just like a little bit of privay. Okay?

Button

July 21st, 2011
8:57 am

I can’t expect my date to move at the same pace as I am when it comes to home invitations and meeting family/friends. Face it, some people move too fast for whatever reason when it comes to this issue. Just because you invite me to your home doesn’t mean I should follow suite. It doesn’t work that way. Wise if the reader has reservations @ date for not extending an invitation to his/her house then the reader should let her/his date know how she/he feels and take it from there. Jumping to conclusion never solve anything. He/she could be married or just not ready to let her/him in his/her circle yet. And besides it’s only been a little over a month, and 4 dates, give it time and space, really what’s the rush?

good morning :)

CurlyPuff

July 21st, 2011
9:06 am

Hi everyone!

I would have to say she needs to consider it a big Red Flag. Only she can decided if it’s a showstopper, though. My guess is she already knows. Once a women feels something in her gutt that won’t go away, it’s true–or some version of the truth. I am a secretive person but I still let out a little bit about me. It bothers me if I have seeing and talking to someone for a couple of months and I still don’t know anything new about him or more than I did one day one. RED D&MN FLAG!

blaley

July 21st, 2011
9:09 am

A woman with kids should NOT invite a man to her place for quite some time, until she is very sure of him. That will probably take more than 4 dates. That doesn’t mean she’s married. However, the reverse is not true for a man. If he’s not talking about his personal life, she hasn’;t seen his place, or met any of his friends…. RED FLAG. Be careful. Doesn’t mean he’s married, but it sure looks like a duck…

My rule for dates: Google em, Cyberstalk em, find out who you ar dealing with..

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

July 21st, 2011
9:11 am

“She has not seen where he lives, nor does he talk about his personal life that much.”

Classic river rat. She reads the blog, surprising.

Good Day Folks:

Button

July 21st, 2011
9:16 am

My question to the reader, how is the communication between you and your date? if the communication is limited then there could be a chance dude (taking a guess here) is hiding something. This is such a toss up b/c dude could be innocent and really taking things slow. I say talk to the guy and let him know how you feel. But whatever you do don’t sound like you’re accusing him of anything. Nobody wants to be accused of doing something they are not doing and you don’t want to come across as insecure or controlling, That could be a red flag for him to bounce.

MsMarriedUp

July 21st, 2011
9:20 am

I’d too see it as a red flag, for whatever the reason. However I’ve known people to be ashamed about their home/background, etc.. Like most have said, the person likely has another life stashed.

My advice; just ask. ‘Hey, let’s hang out with your people,’ or ‘at your place.’ Instead of wondering, open up and communicate. I’d come right out with it, ‘what’s up with you?’ ‘You hidin’ something,’ ‘embarrassed’, ‘what, you don’t like me?’ …but you don’t have use my words. You can phrase it your way. ;-)

Celisea

July 21st, 2011
9:22 am

Morning,

I wouldn’t say he’s married but I wouldn’t count it out either. I wouldn’t say he’s sitting home twiddling his thumbs either. It’s a red flag (in my book) and should be duly noted. You shouldn’t be nervous about asking what you want to know or asking around something that’s bugging you. It might not be anything but if you don’t ask you won’t know. Are you afraid to rock the boat? Are you afraid of what the outcome might be? Yes, it would seem rather odd to me that he’s allowing me to open up and share and just naturally not reciprocate the same. If you’re opening up and sharing personal things about you and your home life and family, at some point it seems natural that he would do the same.

SSB

July 21st, 2011
9:23 am

We as women are to quick to share our personal information -which includes our demographical information, family and friends and we no nothing about the person we are dating. with four dates you should be meeting @ a neutral location anyway(resturant, movies etc.) Not that he’s not willing to share his personal information with you it’s just you shared your information too soon….now when u move foward this is somebody else that has all your personal business which is useless to them because you are no longer with them. Just think everytime you meet someone and go on a date a couple of times you let them into your world…Do you not realize how many people no your business? Just a lilttle food for thought. Possibility he might not be hiding his personal life just not willing to share it with you with only four dates but usually in a case like this it’s something about his living arrangements that he’s not willing to share.Think about It!

My Thoughts

July 21st, 2011
9:23 am

This man might be hiding something, perhaps she should ask him just that?

Some people (myself included) appreciate taking things slow, gives you a chance to actually learn about a person. See them. Believe it or not, most of the time people show and tell you exactly who they are from the very first time you meet.

Those who have ears, let them hear.

Button

July 21st, 2011
9:35 am

I’ve met men who shared their information from date one. I doesn’t mean that they was that into me either, that’s just how they were. I DID NOT follow suite and started divulging my information to reciprocate either.

MsMarriedUp

July 21st, 2011
9:37 am

ooo and yes, but this is for the guy. If he is hiding something, he’d better go on and open up before that snooping and background checking starts. I hear that’s what most dating folks are into nowadays! Nothing like gettin’ your version out first.

Exiled!

July 21st, 2011
9:39 am

Good morning!!!

Wise Diva,why don’t u provide a lil more detail?

She invited him to her house,it went down and Now she’s all gaga!!?

See,classic case of too much speed on the part of the chic…

Button

July 21st, 2011
9:44 am

@Exiled, you might have something there @ it went down :lol:

Anthony Weiner

July 21st, 2011
9:50 am

I prefer to just sext.

Leggs

July 21st, 2011
9:51 am

Good morning. Not sure what got up my ass in the middle of the night, but I am in a funk this morning. Oh well, life goes on….

On topic ~ I agree wholeheartedly with Button’s 8:57.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

July 21st, 2011
9:51 am

Button:
As a man I would be (just me) very secure and comfortable sharing information on a first date. I wouldn’t expect the same from you, but at some point if we keep going I need to know who you are.

kimmie

July 21st, 2011
9:53 am

Morning All!

Okay, if they met Memorial Day weekend, we’re talking almost 2 months now. If its only been 4 dates, and their not even hanging out at his place, that’s not much time spent together. Assuming he’s not married or shacking with someone else, it’s possible he’s just not into her that much. At the very least, he’s dating a few other women and is just not bringing all of them over to his place. She’s not high enough on the rotation yet to warrant an invite to the batcave. Part of playing that game is not revealing much about his personal life. If he brought her around his friends, something might slip about the other girl he brought to the BBQ last week! Either way, she’s thinking they are on the road to boyfriend/girlfriend status, but to him they are just kicking it err now & then. Sure, he’ll meet her friends and chill at her place, no sweat off his brow. But no, he’s not compelled to do the same.

I’ve actually been in a situation just like this. A friend introduced us, so I knew he was not married. He wasn’t seeing others either. He had a very nice apartment and a lovely family & friends. He just used to try to keep me on edge. He was playing me. When I backed off and started being just as elusive as he was, he suddenly became an open book. But by then, I really was not that into him anymore, so I kicked it with him for awhile, then moved on to someone more mature.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

July 21st, 2011
9:53 am

Leggs:
A Blush and a (Face Palm).

Bill Clinton

July 21st, 2011
9:55 am

Sorry, I have not brought you to my home. Hillary does not like for me to bring friends home when she’s here and the neighbors all have cameras. ;)

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

July 21st, 2011
9:59 am

Ms. Reader one way or a another you need to ask questions to clear your uneasiness. If he’s hesitant to give you any answers, then form your own.

Button

July 21st, 2011
9:59 am

@Blackfoote you share what you want when you want but you can’t expect your date to do the same just so soon jmo

Sharing information should be a personal decision, what works for sue doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you. Use your own judgement. You can’t copy cat on everything when it comes to relationship/dating.

Purple Rain

July 21st, 2011
10:00 am

The adult thing to do would be to ask him directly instead of getting strangers opinions.To many unknown variables to make a informed decision or even speculate on what is going on. They could have jumped in the sack to soon and he is keeping her at arms list. Or he is moving at a slow pace, he could be married or he could still be dating other women. He may live with his mother or something. He could be a good guy but has other priorities in life. She may want more than he wants.

Leggs

July 21st, 2011
10:07 am

@Blackfoote ~ what you blushing for? Are you over there a wishing and a hoping (lolol)?

SexyCool

July 21st, 2011
10:10 am

Four dates in two months? Buddy must have an awfully full schedule. I’m just wondering how he has her so into him with that behavior.

As I found out about someone who I dated in the past, his standard operating procedure was to engage in a text/email/IM campaign that gave the appearance of always being available, not only to me, but to the other six or seven chicks he had in his rotation.

I politely bowed out of that circus.

Him

July 21st, 2011
10:12 am

I work my tail off for a modest salary. I go home and take care of my mom, who I invited to live with me when her health began to fail after Dad died. My life is boring. I date in order to get OUT of the house and enjoy myself a little bit. If I tell her these things, she will probably never see me again, and I cannot blame her. If I don’t tell her these things, she will probably become suspicious and — at some point — decide not to see me again. So, I just leave things as they are and play this out for as long as I can because she is nice and I enjoy being with her. When she leaves, I’ll try to find someone else who I can date again for awhile until the cycle repeats itself. Such is life.

kimmie

July 21st, 2011
10:13 am

The adult thing to do would be to ask him directly

Purple – That’s the only way to go, at least for me it would.

You really have to do what’s comfortable for you. After dealing with Mystery Man and a few others, I learned about what worked for me when it came to sharing. Married is a no-brainer. Whether he’s seeing someone else or just not into you, it equals the same. He’s unavailable to you except on a very limited basis. I learned I was uncomfortable with men that held certain parts of their life off limits. Not only off limits physically, but even in conversation. After 2 months I don’t expect to have a key to his house. I don’t have to have met the family or any of his friends yet. But after 2 months I should know some basics about his life, where he lives and what’s going on. If he’s living with his mama or is a hoarder and embarrassed for me to see his place, I need to know by then so I can make an informed decision.

There is a difference between being private and being evasive. I consider myself somewhat private, but I’m not a mystery either.

MzNewy

July 21st, 2011
10:16 am

@ Kimmie – I totally agree with your 9:53.

I think she is not high enough on the rotation to warrant intro to friends and family. She is not a franchise player but just a bench warmer, subject to being traded at any moment. Too bad for her if she gave up the goods and got sprung. 4 dates in two months smh…too soon to look for anyone to open up. She needs to exercise her right to be a free agent and bounce.

SexyCool

July 21st, 2011
10:16 am

Him – you need to learn to be a better judge of character when it comes to picking dates….or….STOP LYING.

BlackMagicWoman...in NYC

July 21st, 2011
10:17 am

WISE…tell your girl to run like hell. That dude is a Liar and a loser! He will eventually start lying about the death of relatives, he job or lack there of, places he’s been, he may claim to live some place he does not. Then he may proceeed to attempt to rip her off. He may be a con man with warrants! He may be an IBM (Instant Baby Maker). Or pehaps he has bodies in a basement somewhere. Basically he is a sociopathic narcissist! That show, “Who the BLEEP Did I Marry?” is a testament that you can no longer give people the benefit of the doubt. Doubt nothing and question everything is my motto! If it walks and qaucks like a duck…d@mnit, it’s a friggin’ duck! She can save her self the trouble…run like a brotha from child support! :lol:

Sassy Black..Good is good...GREAT is better ;-)

July 21st, 2011
10:20 am

Four dates in two months? Buddy must have an awfully full schedule. I’m just wondering how he has her so into him with that behavior.

Cosign. First and foremost it’s apparent that she’s into him much more than he’s into her. If a man wants to be (really wants to be) with a woman he WILL make it happen. Never make a person a priority when you’re only their option…

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

July 21st, 2011
10:20 am

Button, that is my pace if I’m into you. I would never expect a woman to be as transparent. I’m as private as the next, If were dating and I’m into you it’s my duty to erase your uneasiness and show you I’m not the Phantom of the Opera.

SexyCool

July 21st, 2011
10:21 am

BTW, Him – that sounds like a typical married cheater’s line of bllsht.

Fion

July 21st, 2011
10:22 am

I think “Him” is laying out the plausibility of a possible scenario. Since the room is full of speculation, the thesis shouldn’t be discounted.

Exiled had good point as well@ 9:39.

For Real

July 21st, 2011
10:22 am

4 dates in two months!!!!

4 dates in two months!!!!

4 dates in two months!!!

And he is the one with the red flags???? This chick is a crazy and ole boy knows it!!!!!

4 dates in two months!!!!

Sassy Black..Good is good..GREAT is better ;-)

July 21st, 2011
10:22 am

4 dates in two months smh…too soon to look for anyone to open up. She needs to exercise her right to be a free agent and bounce.

Okay?! Let it go and K.I.M.

why oh why

July 21st, 2011
10:23 am

There are 4 situations that going on. The 1rst is he is married. He is keeping the personal life to a minimal and the less he says the less he has to lie about. 2nd is they are not exclusive. If they have only gone out 4 times since Memorial Day then he has others to occupy his time. This is not a bad thing if he has not told her he wants to be exclusive. If I am not exclusive with a person, they don’t meet my friends and they don’t come to my house.- that is to cut down on stalkers. If she has introduced him to her friends after 4 dates that seems sporadic, then she is moving way to fast and needs to slow down… He has no reason to meet your inner circle if he is not committed to you. 3rd is he is gay. He is in the closet, down low or whatever the term is these days. He is dating her to keep a low profile. And number 4. He is just straight up putting up a front. The car you see him drive, maybe his mother’s, the clothes he has on may be his brother’s and the money he paid with may have come from his sister. He may be in a half-way house and doesn’t want you to know. He is not showing you the real him.

SexyCool

July 21st, 2011
10:24 am

In that case, For Real, why does he not break it off?

Oh my God!

July 21st, 2011
10:26 am

This isn’t rocket science. Procedures for the clueless:

1. Ask him what you’d like to know.

2. If the answers satisfy your curiosity, stay with him. If they don’t, move on.

Try it. I think you’ll find it works pretty well.

Lack of communication is usually one of the nails in the coffin of a healthy relationship.

For Real

July 21st, 2011
10:26 am

GOT DAYUM BMW!!!! You need an Easter Hug. Come here….

kimmie

July 21st, 2011
10:27 am

Blackfoote/BMW – Really the minute I have to sit and question things and have my imagination run wild is the minute I start formulating my exit plan.

“Mysterious”, “Complicated” – not sexy at all to me!

All this “well you can’t expect him to move at your pace” stuff is for the birds too. Find someone you can move at the same pace with then, one you’re in sync with. Not someone you’ve got to accomodate to the point you’re uncomfortable and not being yourself.

For Real

July 21st, 2011
10:28 am

ScooL: Break what off? There is nothing to break off.

Purple Rain

July 21st, 2011
10:28 am

You all are funny, why can’t she be held accountable for even putting up with or still hanging around someone who is not meeting her standards. Maybe she is just not that interesting. Assuming is immature, ask him directly. You can ask a blog anonymously but you can’t ask him. Ma’am, you are not fit for a relationshp.

Really???

July 21st, 2011
10:28 am

lol wut? cumm in mi butt ^_^

Lovely Brown

July 21st, 2011
10:30 am

Good Morning all! :-)

I don’t understand. If she (WD’s friend) has questions about dude she should ask him. I would not sit there and wonder, talk…..open your mouth and get the info you are looking for! Then again, I believe that the reason why some folk don’t ask the person that they are interested in particular questions is because they don’t really want to know the truth….they woul rather continue to function in the fantasy that they have of that person. She may find out that dude is not married and does not have other chicks, he just is not feeling her like she is feeling him. Or he may just be a person that likes to take it slow and actually get to know who he is dealing with before he lets someone into his personal space….oh the horror of that being the reason why in this day and time of TMI :lol: