accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Falling in love?

Some people don’t handle falling in love well. It can be an exhilarating, wonderful experience. However, there are also times when it makes you, well.. stupid. Or perhaps just foolishly in love.

I call this the “caught up” stage because this is when you make dumb decisions, overlook red flags and basically toss out all rationale and logic as you fall head over heels.

My inner control freak wonders, is there a way to soften the blow when you fall in love? Is it possible to contain and manage your emotions so you won’t make choices you may regret later?

What do you when you feel yourself headed in the direction of “head over heels” or intense feelings for someone? Many guys have told me they ignore it…as long as they can. They sort of prolong the inevitable – a woman having power over them, or impacting their lives in a major way. Does that work? If it does, I will totally try it!

Ladies, what happens after you realize you are falling for someone?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

145 comments Add your comment

Kiesha Jean

July 14th, 2011
5:33 am

Pro-longing helps, I think … or just delays the inevitable act of being an idiot. I waited this past time around in the relationship, I saw all the red flags and then it happened anyways. love. For a couple of months fun, then the caught up wears off and all those red flags make life a living hell. Worse part about … I knew better all along. Even worse it will happen again cause I love Love … but I will exercise more caution and try and wait longer and run for the hills if red flags pop up immediately. (i hope.)

MzNewy

July 14th, 2011
8:01 am

I back off for a bit when I realize I am falling for someone. Then I try to examine the situation as if it were someone else dating him. You ever notice you can spot red flags when they don’t belong to the object of your affection. But anyway I try to make sure it’s not a “Don’t date him girl!” situation. In addition, I get a hobby etc.so I don’t spend so much time with him but this seems to prolong the inevitable. lol

There is no right or wrong way to fall in love, do what works for you. However, in order to truely love someone, you have to put YOURSELF in a vulnerable state and that is what is scary to me. I am a control freak, being vulnerable means losing control, losing control means FALLING in love.

Dan - Simply...Superior

July 14th, 2011
8:23 am

@Mcnewsy – what you do, but um, back off too far and the flame goes out (the roof left standing)

On topic:

The easiest way to not get “caught up” is to fall in “like” with a person. Looking back on my past attempts at relationships, I would always get to the point of “I don’t really like her.”

I mean I cared for a few, some were actual love, but few were ‘like’. Very few could I hang out with and not feel the need to censor myself, fewer still were ladies that would take what I said as it was intended and react accordingly (there are no words “between the line” just the space for your imagination to place isht in).

Yeah, that “ping” happened only when I could tell a female “I like you. I “like” like you, but I truly enjoy spending time with you.”

And for all the “I ain’t”, “(s)he better”, and “(s)he should” there are few people that can say: “if (s)he don’t, do I like him/her enough to move forward?”

Yeap, falling in love is easy, staying in “like” is a muthasucka.

SlimNu

July 14th, 2011
8:40 am

Good morning all,

Dan – Ever considered changing your moniker being that you’re near the nuptials? ;-)

Simple Man....

July 14th, 2011
8:44 am

Morning Slim1…. Hope you are feeling better today :)

Dan - Simply...Superior

July 14th, 2011
8:45 am

@Slim – Why?

I now have (or will have) verifable proof and a witness (Lebron)

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

July 14th, 2011
8:49 am

@Slim – I gotcha

<—

Took me a second

SlimNu

July 14th, 2011
8:49 am

Simple – Thanks for the well wishes but I think i’m back in business now…BAMS ;-)

Dan – I was only asking because of what you advised the acronym meant a few years back. Just didn’t seem to suit where you were now in your life, thats all. Either way, i’m happy for you.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

July 14th, 2011
8:56 am

@Slim

I haven’t had my coffee yet.

You been sick, I told you to stop “playing” in the rain

Into the Light

July 14th, 2011
9:01 am

Good morning, all.

Slim, I’m glad you’re feeling better. :)

I want to apologize to Better Led, and to y’all for getting on a rant yesterday. I was having a bad day, but that’s no excuse or reason to mess up the blog fun. Sorry, y’all.

SlimNu

July 14th, 2011
9:07 am

F-Dan – I think I had a small bout of food poisoning or something because I went to a steak restaurant earlier in the week and ended up with the BG’s, nausea etc after that for like 2 days. I’m about 5lbs lighter now so I think it ran its course lol

MsMarriedUp

July 14th, 2011
9:10 am

Emotion is hard for some to turn on and off, but my lesson learned was realizing it’s not wrong for someone to fall out of love with me… regardless of the reason.

A hard case to forget was when this one female fell hard for a guy who was all over her, while others was saying it wasn’t good…where sure enough ‘he lost it’ when ‘his love’ became too controlling and she wanted out. Was it wrong for her to want to back off? Was it wrong for his emotions to go to that level where he thought he owned her feelings?

Translated: it’s now easy to understand others may not feel about me, the way I feel about them, or vice-versa. In that way I don’t fall in love, HOWEVER, I do love deeply. When I care for a person I really care for them, without this need of having to control their feelings and enlist all these rules for how love should work. On the same other end, I expect that lead be given for me as well.

JusCallMeG

July 14th, 2011
9:16 am

When i realize I am falling in love I tend to get really scared and kind of back off. I have been in a few long-term relationships that have all ended badly so I find myself looking for certain “red flags” that i told myself to look out for, that may not even exist with the new person. People say not to bring baggage from your last relationship into a new one but that is way easier said than done in most cases. So I tend to back off these days and see how things play out and how their behavior changes.

Simple Man....

July 14th, 2011
9:17 am

Morning ITL…Mail call :)

MsMarriedUp

July 14th, 2011
9:25 am

…and another way to test love.
look at your parents, and siblings, and kids… I’ve not been upfront with them before, or outright lied and love them deeply. This doesn’t change just because the relationship is intimate.

Sometimes sex gets tied to love, when the two are two separate entities. You first have to know how to be a friend before you grow to love.

Into the Light

July 14th, 2011
9:27 am

Ms. Married Up, all I can say to your posts is “ditto” :)

SlimNu

July 14th, 2011
9:36 am

What do you when you feel yourself headed in the direction of “head over heels” or intense feelings for someone?

When I feel myself getting that way I try to keep it under wraps until I gain a better understanding of where the other person is. I would not want to drop my cards all willy nilly only to be left looking like a fool if they aren’t anywhere near the level i’m on. I don’t necessarily expect them to be shoulder to shoulder with me, because folks move to different rhythms but at least in the same direction.

With my current situation, I like to call it a slow simmer (as I’ve stated before) I think he was a bit guarded and scared to feel the way he was about me. I could understand that even though at first I wanted him to relax more than he was…I guess subconciously I wanted him to let more of his guard down, so I could relax mine. It takes a certain amount of energy & objectivity to try to keep a level head when all your endorphins are running wild and you’re living for the next high.

JusCallMeG

July 14th, 2011
9:39 am

I definitely agree that sex gets tied to love too easily and I think a physical relationship can get in the way of real feelings that you are developing towards someone in some cases

kimmie

July 14th, 2011
9:40 am

Morning all!

Dan, I really agree with you about the LIKE thing. That can sometimes be more elusive than loving someone. But it is extremely important for anything to go long-term, at least for me.

As I got older, I seemed to have stopped that “falling so hard for someone till I’m crazy” thing, where I lose ability to reason and can’t see the person clearly. In fact, I think I’ve only been like that once, with my first serious boyfriend. I don’t even think I’m capable of that craziness anymore. Not to say after that first time that I still didn’t make stupid choices & decisions concerning men, but I can’t give being crazy in love as an excuse.

The more mature love I’m in now allows me to really appreciate the “like” and the friendship I have with my husband, while still being able to see his faults and realize they were truly faults and not dealbreakers. I am able to be vulnerable and give up some of that control freely to him, assured he will not take advantage of that.

kimmie

July 14th, 2011
10:00 am

Where is everybody??

Purple Rain

July 14th, 2011
10:05 am

I think people who have had some bad relationship experiences are the ones who tend to fall to hard to soon once they actually start to get along with someone. They keep their guard up then once it’s down start fantasizing to soon, which causes some angst and to much pressure to soon. I think people should go into a relationship with “expectations” instead of “motives”. Motives can be felt and seen, that causes to much strife.

SexyCool

July 14th, 2011
10:07 am

kimmie – cosign on the 940a

kimmie

July 14th, 2011
10:09 am

Thanx SCool!

What’s shakin with you today?

SlimNu

July 14th, 2011
10:11 am

I’m here but I’m not old and crazy enough to start having conversations with myself just yet…

Exiled!

July 14th, 2011
10:13 am

Goods morning!

I kinda agree with MsMarriedUp.

I luv some Me more than I luv anybody. And I luuuv my mom,dad,brothers and sisters like crazy!
And that’s why I have Never had my heart broken.

Now,a woman I digg and that has a desire to join this big fam and be a part of it is fine with me. She better think long term and be with Us in how we view our fam,the perpetuation of the family and tbs honored to be a part. She cannot take me away from Them even tho I maintain a separate household and family. Her mind gotta be on that tip.

And I will luv her for it! She becomes a part of the Whole!

Now if she comes in professing to luv me but intending to pull me away…..

She will lose and be heartbroken!

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

July 14th, 2011
10:14 am

“see his faults and realize they were not truly faults, and not dealbreakers” – Kimmie

Slow golf clap ma’am, slow golf clap

That right there was a mouthful.

I think these days (and I was/am guilty of it too) carry forward those “red flag” and affix them (and anything resembling them) to a person. We then “fill in the blanks with our shullbit”.

Learning to recognize: 1) that I, nor the person I see is perfect (<–hard); 2) that faults make them (and me) who we are; and 3) that I would have to deal with those faults for the long term (and they with mine)

and basing my decisions on those things made life a whole lot easier.

And "like" has a lot to do with it

SlimNu

July 14th, 2011
10:21 am

Dan – It definitely adds to the value of the relationship if the SO is stong in the areas that you are weak or faulted in.

Reio

July 14th, 2011
10:24 am

You can love anybody. We decide who we “fall in love” with. It doesn’t just happen. We control it. Always have. Always will.

SexyCool

July 14th, 2011
10:24 am

Still trying to come up with a simple plan. Elopement is looking better and better.

BlackMagicWoman...in NYC

July 14th, 2011
10:25 am

PURPLE….I have been there. And after being kicked in the teeth enough, it hardened me. I have major trust issues. So now if a guy claims to be “interested” in me, I question his movitives! He did not approach me thinking, “she looks friendly” or “she looks like she be the future Mrs. XYZ”. Now, I often wonder what I give off to attrack the @$$holes that I do. I am not walking around in booty shorts and a tank top with no bra (well not in public anyway). So I wonder why some men can learn what it is to be a friend first before thinking of what a girl is like in bed. I swear, one day I am gonna wear a burka and see if a guy wants to know me for me and not my physical. :lol:
I have never been in love, though I have loved deeply. I have been in lust and in like. I think sometimes I confused infatuation for love. For instance, I had an ex that was physically all I could want. he was tall, muscular and FINE! An we both had similar personalities. But I said that I loved him, but I think it was pure infatuation. It does become difficult to tell them apart. Sometimes they are one in the same of the person. But what’s funny, any time I went outside of what I like phyically, it never got anywhere. I can love you as a person, but have zero physical attraction to you. So when people say try dating out of your comfort zone. I realize, you like what you like! You can’t mask that to yourself. So why waste either person’s time?

Purple Rain

July 14th, 2011
10:35 am

BMW, you just said a mouthful and shared a lot, you are human. I was the same way. I did not trust any woman. I thought they all wanted something from me and I was perfectly content being alone and doing what I wanted to do with no influence from a mate or having to be held accountable to anyone. I think the hurt I felt pushed me to that spot and then I found out that I loved it….but along the way something happened LOL. Once you find your mate, he will be lucky. There is nothing wrong with dating or going after what YOU like. I don’t believe in that date outside your comfortzone crap. Who want’s to date someone that is uncomfortable to your standards. I am super picky and I won’t compromise on my wants and likes. There are over 7 billion people in the world and I am supposed to believe that not one of them is exactly what I want?

SlimNu

July 14th, 2011
10:42 am

BMW – Are you dating anybody these days?

Into the Light

July 14th, 2011
10:43 am

SCool – Are you interested in indoor or outdoor venues?

SexyCool

July 14th, 2011
10:47 am

No preference.

Purple Rain

July 14th, 2011
10:47 am

Sexy Cool go to Vegas, it is for you and your spouse. Why waist money putting on a show for other people?

SexyCool

July 14th, 2011
10:51 am

There are certain family members and friends TheDude and I want to include. End of discussion.

MzNewy

July 14th, 2011
10:51 am

ahhhh yes I hear you all. That was the way I operated pre-HIM…now I am all in. Looking back, I guess with the other guys I “just wasn’t that into them” so it was easy to back off.

But I was afraid to fall in love before because I got burned. I think once we get burned it is harder to let down our guard.

SlimNu

July 14th, 2011
10:53 am

Speaking of wedding’s, Vegas etc…when I was at the pool party this past weekend, there was a couple there who actually went to Vegas and got married at a drive-thru chapel. They have been married for about 10 or 11 years and spoke as if they were happy as can be. They are planning an anniversary trip the end of this year. They said, it makes no sense to spend a whole lot of money for a wedding. So SexyCool, not sure how you feel about a drive-thru wedding but it sounds fun to me. You can get married and Super-size your fries all in one stop :lol:

MzNewy

July 14th, 2011
10:55 am

SC – we are doing a similiar Elopement :) it got too cumbersome and folks were getting their feelings hurt…because we wanted a small intimate wedding and everyone wanted to be “in” the wedding.

MzNewy

July 14th, 2011
10:56 am

@ Slim – Supersize the fries too huh LMAO that made my day

Exiled!

July 14th, 2011
10:58 am

MzNewy?

Most of U females get burned coz u attach too much importance to ur kuchi and the moment a guy gives it a good flipping,uall gaga in ‘luv’…

That’s why most females get heartbroken…

I have never heard of a person(read woman) say they were heartbroken by a guy they never slept with.

Why is that?

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

July 14th, 2011
10:59 am

Boy let me tell you about super-sized weddings…

You have people finding out that you’re getting married an they want invites.

I’ve had to tell several people that I know well, but haven’t kicked it with in years “all this is outta my pocket, so if you wanna come, great; you wanna eat or drink – there’s a cover charge.”

That usually shuts those folk right.on.down.

It may not be the most tactful way to say it, but “hey, youknowmeshawty.”

Celisea

July 14th, 2011
11:03 am

Most of U females get burned coz u attach too much importance to ur kuchi and the moment a guy gives it a good flipping,uall gaga in ‘luv’…

Okay it shouldn’t have been but that was funny

kimmie

July 14th, 2011
11:03 am

SCool – One of my good friends did a “witnessed elopement” at Tybee Island back in April, on the beach. A few close friends & family. They had a reception-like party a few weeks before. Maybe you might like doing something simple like that.

We were going to have a reception this summer, but it is seeming less likely as time goes by. The other day he mentioned just having a get-together at the house. I don’t know. With the exception of my grandmother, pretty much everyone I loved came to my Vegas wedding at Caesars. I have some great pictures. I don’t really need anything else.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

July 14th, 2011
11:03 am

Funny and true…

Celisea

July 14th, 2011
11:04 am

yep, yeppers Dan

Into the Light

July 14th, 2011
11:08 am

SC – I don’t know what part of the metro (or if it matters) but there are some really cute B and Bs close to the Marietta Square that offer all-inclusive wedding packages. The Stanley House is one; nice historic home with a pretty courtyard. You can do the full deal (cake, caterer, photog, planner, etc) for 30 guests around $3500…..

Mike P

July 14th, 2011
11:09 am

Good Morning,

“I call this the “caught up” stage because this is when you make dumb decisions, overlook red flags and basically toss out all rationale and logic as you fall head over heels… My inner control freak wonders, is there a way to soften the blow when you fall in love? Is it possible to contain and manage your emotions so you won’t make choices you may regret later?” — WD

I believe that people are suppose to experience this and it shouldn’t be avoided or minimized. The purpose is to make two complete individuals from different backgrounds acceptable to each other.

kimmie

July 14th, 2011
11:10 am

Exiled – Women are just built, programmed differently from men. So???

That’s why I think when raising girls and talking to them about the birds and the bees, you need to talk to them about more than just getting pregnant and diseases. You have to talk to them about the emotional effects of getting physical. That’s where a lot of girls are left hanging and end up making bad decisions.

Celisea

July 14th, 2011
11:15 am

That’s why I think when raising girls and talking to them about the birds and the bees, you need to talk to them about more than just getting pregnant and diseases. You have to talk to them about the emotional effects of getting physical. That’s where a lot of girls are left hanging and end up making bad decisions.

Exactly….I totally agree with this statement. Teaching about the physical aspect is the easy part. Preparing them for the emotional aspect is the challenge.