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Triple Extracurricular Activities

A reader emailed me about a relationship issue she is dealing with now that she has moved in with her man. He spends a great deal of time and money on “adult entertainment” and it bothers her.

She thinks that now that she lives with him, he shouldn’t need those extracurricular activities! She wants to know: Should she let him know that it bothers her? Is it unfair to ask him to reduce or eliminate his consumption?

I can relate since I once dated a dude with trashbags full of his favorites. Trash. Bags. Full. Yeah, that was one of many reasons things didn’t work out between us. Truthfully, I never actually told him that bothered me and I regret that.

I want to help our reader out because I’ve been there before and my response was to ignore it. I don’t think that is “wise” at all, so what do you guys think?

What would you do if you were in either position? Would you bring it up if it was the other person’s unhealthy fixation?

Would you be bothered if someone told you that they were not comfortable with your adult entertainment consumption?

Side note: A friend told me that she thinks many of the single men she meets at church have a real problem with this. (Unfortunately, I don’t have personal knowledge of this since I haven’t been in anyone’s church lately). Have any of you noticed this issue at your church or religious organizations?

Happy Wednesday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

520 comments Add your comment

destin dawg

July 6th, 2011
6:43 am

Men always have sexual fantasies… in meetings and seminars I was thinking about sex 80 % of the time… the rest of the time my mind was wandering !! watch porno together for hot $ex !!!

dc

July 6th, 2011
7:37 am

Never have understood why this is a “problem”? Who got to decide that?

Foxy

July 6th, 2011
7:47 am

GM
Nothing wrong with a little porn between a couple. But if it’s all the time and excessive- you might wanna run honey. That means he is jackinG off a lot and there is nothing tighter than his hand. YOU WILL BE SECOND BEST.

destin dawg

July 6th, 2011
8:23 am

single woman who meets ” single men at Church ” that have this problem ???? beautiful nude women are wonderful’… gay, raunchy, or child porno… NOT !!! maybe she’s single for a reason ???

Fion

July 6th, 2011
8:32 am

“I want to help our reader out because I’ve been there before and my response was to ignore it. I don’t think that is “wise” at all, so what do you guys think?”

Baaaaybe, Unless you are ready to step up, address and replace the Eroticism he’s receiving from viewing Porn grab yo Samsonite and K.I.M.

P.S. and Stop Playin House!

Dave

July 6th, 2011
8:39 am

Nothing wrong with a little porn here and there. In fact, open your mind and join in. Treat it as an educational seminar for him and you, then give a demonstration. You can learn a lot about someone’s desires by what they watch. Just act on it and you will be pleasantly surprised at the rewards you reap!

On the other hand, if that’s all they do and they prefer it to you, ya might have a problem.

Simple Man...

July 6th, 2011
8:42 am

Whether its porn, strip clubs or shoe shopping, If you have a problem with it put it on the table…Be upfront and honest and be prepared to hear some things you might not like….at that point, teh two of you have some choices to make. Keep your eyes open and stand by your convictions. And when you are done, Go in the bedroom, throw on the Naughty Nurse outfit with the red Push up Bra, Pose in front of the TV and Get ready to get with the getting :)

Ark2011

July 6th, 2011
8:48 am

I saw a book advertised titled “How to make love like a porn star”. Read it, learn it, live it!

Leggs

July 6th, 2011
8:51 am

Good morning!

Should she let him know that it bothers her? Most definitely, but not in a degrading manner. Just sit down and tell him her concerns.

Is it unfair to ask him to reduce or eliminate his consumption? I don’t think so. I see nothing wrong with asking him to reduce his consumption. Don’t think it’s fair for her to ask him to eradicate it completely. Don’t go in there starting to change the man. She will be met with resistance.

Dave

July 6th, 2011
8:51 am

I also read that slightly over 50% of porn subscribers/viewers are female. Just come clean and say “I want it like that” or “That is a favorite fantasy of mine”. Personally, I think a woman that watches porn is hot. At least that means she’s got a libido and an affinity for something other than “missionary, for 10 minutes max, don’t say anything during it and don’t get that stuff on me.”

Lana

July 6th, 2011
9:00 am

Good morning everyone. I think it depends on the individual and what they deem as inappropriate. For me, I like watching porn as much as any other guy. Makes for a great mood creater and opens avenues to try. The extreme ones with kids, pain and humiliation are not for me, but everything else is wide open. I wouldn’t ask him to stop looking at it. I’d ask him to make me the recepiant of his heightened arousal. But that’s just me. Always take advantage of opportunity, I say!

Simple Man...

July 6th, 2011
9:07 am

Did we discover that Lana and Wifey were the same person?

Fion

July 6th, 2011
9:09 am

I think that was the verdict counsler.

Lovely Brown

July 6th, 2011
9:13 am

At least that means she’s got a libido and an affinity for something other than “missionary, for 10 minutes max, don’t say anything during it and don’t get that stuff on me.”

:lol: There are women that still act like this…where they do dat at? :lol:

On topic- We like porn in my house…we watch together and then try to do what we saw. Which can sometime turn into a comedy show :lol: but it is all in fun. Free your mind. As for WD’s friend, if it bothers her she should say something, don’t let it fester. And if his collection or the time he spends with his collection is too much for her, K.I.M. Everyone doesn’t like porn or toys…..but I love anything that adds a lil spice.

Lana

July 6th, 2011
9:18 am

I’m Wifey? What in the world would make you think that? You are very incorrect in that little piece of assumption. From what I saw, Wifey and that MCH were the same person. Nope, no Wifey or anyone else here on this keyboard.

abc

July 6th, 2011
9:20 am

Consumption of porn doesn’t have anything to do with her presence or absence. If he’s a porn monger, and she has problems with that, she shouldn’t have dated him, much less moved in. She’s not going to change that, nor have any effect at all on it.

It does seem to me that the men’s ministries always talk about porn as a problem for them. Not sure what’s up with that — and, I don’t want to know. I don’t participate in gender-specific church activities, I think it’s pretty weird, actually.

Into the Light

July 6th, 2011
9:21 am

Morning, y’all!

My attitude has always been, “I don’t care where you get your appetite, as long as you come home to eat.” But that way of thinking is not for everyone. Know the one you’re with and know yourself! If you are bothered by a habit, speak up. Don’t be judgmental, just be honest. If you can’t compromise, K.I.M.

Leggs

July 6th, 2011
9:21 am

Dang, Deputy Dawg is busting people early this morning.

Into the Light

July 6th, 2011
9:22 am

I thought MCH and Wifey and UGA were the same person?? I missed the Lana connection.

Dave

July 6th, 2011
9:23 am

I saw this before on this blog. What is K.I.M.?

Lana

July 6th, 2011
9:24 am

UGA is the same person as MCH and Wifey, too? Dang, I missed out on a lot, I see.

abc

July 6th, 2011
9:25 am

From what I saw, Wifey and that MCH were the same person.

It wouldn’t surprise me much if Simp is a third character name for the same person, especially after that fairy tale yesterday.

Into the Light

July 6th, 2011
9:27 am

Never thought I’d say this, but I agree with abc. Well, sort of; the thought that Simp is part of the Wifey/MCH/UGA conglomerate did cross my mind….

Fion

July 6th, 2011
9:28 am

OK Lana, step up here and raise your right hand. Do you promise to tell the whole Turth and Nuttin, but the Truth????

….ok, have a seat right there. Your witness Counsler (Simple Man)

Simple Man...

July 6th, 2011
9:30 am

Damn ABC..Why are you handling me rough this morning??? I STILL stand by my point of yesterday that it was not / is not my place to play the gossip game…

Simple Man...

July 6th, 2011
9:31 am

Lana, No harm meant, I think I just got you confused with the UGA, McWifey combo….

Celisea

July 6th, 2011
9:31 am

abc – A riot I tell ya…lol

I didn’t want to come out this early but you knocking folks off early…lol Told ya about Simple Man. I believe it.

Into the Light

July 6th, 2011
9:31 am

Then again, I’ve also wondered if there are 2 people blogging….me and all the rest!! LOL

Into the Light

July 6th, 2011
9:32 am

Hey Leggs…..

Simple Man...

July 6th, 2011
9:33 am

Fion, To avoid Looking like the Prosecutor in Orange County, Orlando Florida, I suggest we drop all charges against Ms. Lana..( But reserve the right to refile if isht get sideways)

Leggs

July 6th, 2011
9:34 am

Top of the morn to you ITL!

Simple Man...

July 6th, 2011
9:34 am

Damn Celisea…..No alter egos..just plain old Simple Man…

Lana

July 6th, 2011
9:35 am

No offense taken. Just didn’t want to give anyone even a shadow of a doubt that I am me and nobody BUT me.

Simple. don’t make me cut you…lol

Purple Rain

July 6th, 2011
9:36 am

She can voice her concern if she has a problem she has that right. But she should not have a problem on the money he spends on it, that’s his money and obviously he was handling his business before she moved in..so she should not be commenting on how he spends his money. If she wants him to not be into “porn” so much, she should start to expore his desires more and try to meet them. But some men will not go there with their women, they want her one way..non freaky etc and save the rest for porn or the side chick. They both just need to talk.

Leggs

July 6th, 2011
9:40 am

It’s a mess when a man wants his woman “non-freaky.” I know, I know, there are some straight-laced men and women out there. Boring….

Celisea

July 6th, 2011
9:41 am

Simmer down Simple Man :)

On topic: I would suggest always speaking to something you have an issue with but one should always be mindful that between two people there are always preferences and differences. You have to decide what works for you versus not. For something along the line of porn and all it’s trappings, a dude spending a great deal of time and money is a deal breaker for me. You can’t change people and their dependencies. I view porn and a great deal of time and money spent like I would any addiction.

Morning…..

Into the Light

July 6th, 2011
9:42 am

I’m glad Purp brought that up, because I’ve known men like that. They saw “wife” potential in one kind of woman (read: boring, uptight) but dated another kind to fulfill their desires.

Purple Rain

July 6th, 2011
9:42 am

I want my woman to be my everything all in one woman.

Celisea, hello!

I keep telling you all the it is always, Simple Man. He is the root of all things weird on this blog. LOL, I have been saying that for months and months.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

July 6th, 2011
9:42 am

Drama, there is always a regular changing their name to get attention or create a fairy tale. I believe I have a handle on who keep this shi up, all I will say is be real man. The spot light wont shine 24/7. (abc) is real he senses the same thing I do. Lana is a real lady, don’t let the BS get to you.

Celisea

July 6th, 2011
9:43 am

Morning PR!!

Purple Rain

July 6th, 2011
9:45 am

ITL, some men can deal with the thought that a woman was that “freaky” with another man before them. Me on the other hand I want my wife and me to be King and Queen freak together. Never did I think that I would meet someone who was more “freakier” than me but I can’t hold a candle to her. She’s comfortable with me so she just let’s herself go, knowing that I won’t betray her. Thing is I think most women want to be freaky they just don’t get to that comfort level with the man or the man is not man enough to make her feel secure enough or to bring it out of her…..oooooo wait…is that my horse I see over there?

SlimUno

July 6th, 2011
9:46 am

Good morning all,

I think 99% of guys I’ve ever dated all watched porn to some degree, some liked Shoe shows, others didn’t. I like to entertain myself with a few adult movies myself so it’s never been a problem. If it was excessive, then I might feel a little weird about a guy having BAGS and BAGS of sexual novelties. I wouldn’t want to be with a guy that did anything on the lines of addiction, whether it’s flicks, drinking, wacking the meat etc….

Into the Light

July 6th, 2011
9:49 am

You and Jules are lucky to have each other, PR. :)

Lovely Brown

July 6th, 2011
9:52 am

Ummm do I need to go read yesterday’s blog? Things used to be so chill around here……..

Into the Light

July 6th, 2011
9:53 am

Blackfoote, reading your post, I had the funniest scene pop into my head. One of those old B and W thrillers….it’s storming outside and all the blog members are in the living room of an old estate manse. The power is out, and the room lit only by candelights. Blackfoote steps to the middle of the room to address the blog…
…cue the lightening that illuminates the faces of all in the room….

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

July 6th, 2011
9:54 am

How could she not know, since they were close enough for her to move in with him. She should speak about, get her handle on it and if she don’t like it she can always move out.

Purple Rain

July 6th, 2011
9:55 am

ITL, I think the key is not getting caught up in distractions, trust, environment and knowing each other well. I don’t think we are doing anything special excpet being real best friends.

Purple Rain

July 6th, 2011
9:56 am

Blackfoote, I agree. And why does she care how much money he spends on it? Does she want him to spend more or her? I mean his money was fine before she knew about it. Sounds to me like she is insecure or has low self esteem

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

July 6th, 2011
9:58 am

LOL…..Into the Light that’s funny, I can visual that.

Mr_NYC

July 6th, 2011
10:00 am

Morning folks – Hello Leggs, ITL, What’s good Purp.
Ask questions, express yourself, if you can’t agree and it’s important, then there’s your sign. Move on.