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Fighting unfairly a red flag?

In the midst of a heated argument, my friend “Sara” was taken aback when her boyfriend said something really hurtful. Not only was it insulting, he ended it by calling her a name – not the sweet kind – the “C” kind.

She is pretty shook up by it for a couple of reasons: This was their first big relationship fight; he didn’t seem that remorseful; she wonders if these below the belt verbal jabs are a sign of something deeper. How would you handle this?

Have you ever said something hurtful to the person you are dating or married to? Do you think there are certain lines you just should not cross when you are having a disagreement?

Has someone ever gone too far and said something awful to you? How can you tell when it is verbal abuse and when it is just “fighting unfairly” in an argument?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

192 comments Add your comment

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 30th, 2011
12:13 pm

LOl….@SexcyC I know what you mean, I can’t tell who they are or what they want to be.

Exile no I don’t know her.

Leggs

June 30th, 2011
12:13 pm

Next time, say sagging pants, not pants down to the calf…big difference.

kimmie

June 30th, 2011
12:15 pm

Leggs, I thought capri at first too!

Leggs

June 30th, 2011
12:17 pm

Yay, just won lunch for 2 at This is It! Hey, free lunch is free lunch.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 30th, 2011
12:19 pm

Sagging pants……LOL
Hey I like that capri look, with the pony tail out the cap. Big difference.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 30th, 2011
12:22 pm

I’m a Sag too Leggs how in the world you have so much good fortune. I know it in one word blessed.

Leggs

June 30th, 2011
12:22 pm

Thanks kimmie. Otherwise, I never would have made the shoe comment.

It seems to be a fad with the teenagers to see what it’s like to be with a girl. One has already came on to my child. Her track team is full of them and there’s lots of drama. Growing up, we had “butches,” but nothing like what’s rampart right now. It’s unbelieveable. Sometimes, I have to look hard to see if there’s any hint of tit tays or if the person really is a boy.

Leggs

June 30th, 2011
12:23 pm

Well, that’s what you described earlier, Mr. Man (lol).

Leggs

June 30th, 2011
12:24 pm

@Blackfoote ~ those are just little nuggets toward the big fortune (lololol).

SlimNumeroUno

June 30th, 2011
12:24 pm

ooooooooooh, ‘dike’ is a bad worrrrrrrrrd

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 30th, 2011
12:29 pm

Mega Millions 105……claim it

SlimNumeroUno

June 30th, 2011
12:30 pm

Leggs – I think i’m going to give you my money and numbers to start playing lotto for me…you always seem so lucky. Me, not so much :cry:

kimmie

June 30th, 2011
12:30 pm

Leggs – It is scandalous and upsetting. I remember when I was in high school the marching band was invited to perform in one of the Mardi Gras parades in New Orleans. We were going to stay overnight 2 nights, 2 or 3 to a hotel room. One of the drum majorettes was very popular and had signed up to room with me & my best friend. Well a week before the trip, she “came out”. I was informed of this coming out on the busride home after school. I freaked out and said no way she was rooming with me & my friend! Sorry, but I was 15 and not used to having to deal with that. Word got back to her and she changed rooms. But people were talking about ME, that I didn’t have to react the way that I did!!

SlimNumeroUno

June 30th, 2011
12:31 pm

One of my best friends is openly gay…

Celisea™

June 30th, 2011
12:32 pm

Leggs – Yay, just won lunch for 2 at This is It! Hey, free lunch is free lunch.

I ate there last night..the one on Camp Creek…mmm mmm mmm…rib tips, collards, mac and cheese and cornbread…mmm mmm mmm….actually I didn’t eat it. I thought about eating late and decided to eat a couple of tips, a fork of collards a couple of spoons of mac and cheese and brought it for lunch :) I’m about to hit the treadmill (slow walk) until I get my mojo of endurance back at the gym downstairs. The cutie gave me a free pass for a week. Think I’m gonna go back to Anytime (gym) in Smyrna

Fion

June 30th, 2011
12:32 pm

@Slim
How do you feel about that Slim?

SlimNumeroUno

June 30th, 2011
12:33 pm

She had male relationships back in the day and even up through college. I think the latter part of her college years was where her life began to change. She ended up writing me a long letter basically coming “out” to me. I had said the ‘dike’ word around her, not knowing that it was considered offensive and she didn’t waste anytime letting me know it.

kimmie

June 30th, 2011
12:35 pm

Slim – One of mine is too – male.

But at 15, I was not comfortable with that.

SlimNumeroUno

June 30th, 2011
12:37 pm

Fion – I feel indifferent…It doesn’t bother me one way or the other. I still love and treat her the same. I treat people and judge folks on how they act and treat others…not necessarily on their sexual preference. She was my friend before coming out, so I am her friend after the fact. I’ve had cousins of mine question or say they couldn’t be associated with a friend that was gay because folks assume birds of a feather flock together. I’m not that closed minded so I told them that all sounded like a PP to me (personal problem). I’ve supported her by acompanying her to Pride on various ocassions as well as other rainbow events…doesnt bother me in the least.

SlimNumeroUno

June 30th, 2011
12:39 pm

kimmie – understandable ;-)

kimmie

June 30th, 2011
12:40 pm

Slim – You are a great friend.

Lovely Brown

June 30th, 2011
12:42 pm

My 25yr old stepdaughter is gay. It has made for some tense family gatherings :lol: but what can you do? I believe in folk living their lives however it makes them happy. As long as they are taking care of themselves and not committing any crimes they are cool with me.

SlimNumeroUno

June 30th, 2011
12:42 pm

thanks, I try….sometimes lol

Celisea™

June 30th, 2011
12:43 pm

Well I had a post mentioned basketball wives and their filthy mouths and bad behavior and the way they (kidding or fighting) call each all kinds of names

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 30th, 2011
12:45 pm

I’ll say this Mrs. Kimmie when we were (young boys) we would taunt and ridicule them to the end. Looking back I see how awful my actions were, and now today I can tolerate them a whole lot better.

SexyCool

June 30th, 2011
12:47 pm

I actually don’t have a problem with a person’s sexuality, whether it be by choice or birth (a -whole-nother debate topic).

I just have an opinion about women who look like men. That is all. It just doesn’t make sense to me that if you want someone who dresses like a man, looks like a man, you should be with a man.

Last I check, clothing style did not dictate sexuality. Trust, I know some femmes and bi’s who are just as gay as the boy/man looking women.

Exiled!

June 30th, 2011
12:49 pm

I was sitting next to a drop dead gorgeous lady this past Saturday,working on some work stuff. I don’t know her like that and that was our second time meeting.

Two hours str8 and I wasn’t feeling like I am with a beautiful woman. It rang kinda odd and initially I thought it was my light skinned woman mental phobia! Something wasn’t quite right coz normally,my mind is predatory even tho I may not act on it!

Anyway,come Monday,we exchange emails and she mentions that she just chilled the rest of the weekend with her 3 dogs!

I think that’s it,she’s a Maddow!

:lol:

Fion

June 30th, 2011
12:49 pm

Kellibean
“If he had tried to lay a hand on me, then I would have probably killed him!”

I once heard a ShaoLin Master (82yrs Old) answer his student who asked,
“ master I’ve never seen you engaged in combat (confrontation)?
He answered by saying “if I place myself in the position to use the skill that I have,
I am not worthy to be called your master.”

SlimNumeroUno

June 30th, 2011
12:53 pm

Swxycool – Does the issue with dress only apply to women dressing as men or does it also apply to the men that are SUPER flagrant, wearing womens clothing, being overly dramatic etc?? Because that sort of rubs me the wrong way in the sense that, it can be flattering to have someone mimic you but women don’t act that over the top…at least I don’t think so lol

SlimNumeroUno

June 30th, 2011
12:54 pm

oops, meant SExyCool

Fion

June 30th, 2011
12:55 pm

“Last I check, clothing style did not dictate sexuality.”

Damn! I guess that dude I saw getting on the elevator in the Tutu this morning don’t count.

DaQuan aka Delicious

June 30th, 2011
1:00 pm

Whats wrong with a man wearing a Backout Halter top,and some Gouchos??? As long and the Mule shoes match, what does it matter????

SlimNumeroUno

June 30th, 2011
1:01 pm

:lol: @ Fion – I hate to ask, but were you at your place of business, condo where you live, little 5 Points or what???

DaQuan aka Delicious

June 30th, 2011
1:01 pm

and Mr. Fion, that was not a tutu, It was a fluffy bottom minin dress….

SexyCool

June 30th, 2011
1:01 pm

Actually, some women do. I have some gay neighbors and I promise you the only thing feminine about this chick are her biological parts. She is just HARD. A good person, just very, very manly. Her girlfriend is quite the opposite. And my sister has a friend who was, in her words, “trying out the lesbian lifestyle”, and was dating a chick that would wear her dill.doe under her street clothes and to work.

I am not feeling anyone, male or female, that is extra and dramatic for no reason. As for men who dress like women, *most* of the time, you either can’t tell or it’s so obvious that it’s comical. For me, it goes both ways. If you want a man who is dressed like a woman, just be with a woman.

However, at the end of the day, these are just my opinions. I really do believe in live and let live. If Shanteboomquisha wants to look like a Harold and if Sean wants to look like a Barbara (or Cee-lo in a Pattie LaBelle wig), so be it. To each his own.

kimmie

June 30th, 2011
1:02 pm

Slim – I can’t get with the over-the-topness of that either.

Exiled!

June 30th, 2011
1:02 pm

Actually I think,in their defense,sexuality dictates what some of them want to wear…

If they feel like men then they want to represent like men…

I see chics that dress in long pants and dress shirts that sometimes, it easy to miss them and think they are real men…(with balls) untill u look closely!

I suppose the attempting to project what they feel..

Although deep down I feel a commitment to Jesus can cure that! And I aint a Thumper

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 30th, 2011
1:03 pm

Slim I’m thinking Rupaul.
I’ve seen some men in drag on the web, obvious you can tell most are men but there were a few that raised the eye brow and make you wonder as a man have you been duped by one.

Uncle Peaches

June 30th, 2011
1:04 pm

Somebody called me?

Fion

June 30th, 2011
1:05 pm

@ Slim
Huh?????
not sure which comment you are referring to?

SexyCool

June 30th, 2011
1:05 pm

Fion – what I’m saying is that he’s not gay BECAUSE he puts on a tutu or she’s not gay BECAUSE she looks like a little bitty man (or in some cases, a big dude). They wear those things and choose those appearances BECAUSE THEY ARE GAY.

So..again…what is hanging in my closet does not dictate my sexuality. In the examples that I gave, sexuality dictates style.

SlimNumeroUno

June 30th, 2011
1:07 pm

Exiled – I almost ashamed to say that I am agreeing with you a bit on your 1:02 as far as them wanting to project what they feel inside.

About 2 months ago some friends and I were at Shout and this TALLLLLLLLL mixed looking chick was in there. It didn’t take long to see it was actually a dude. She almost looked like Kimora Lee..one of the guys I was with at first was going to try to approach her before we caught the adams apple and HUGE feet. :lol:

Uncle Peaches

June 30th, 2011
1:08 pm

Oooh I’m crushing on Mr. Blackfoote

kimmie

June 30th, 2011
1:09 pm

I can handle one dressing/acting for the purpose of being in drag. It’s when one is over the top for their regular everyday dress and their mannerisms that get on my nerves somewhat. I don’t stress over it, it just irritating.

SlimNumeroUno

June 30th, 2011
1:12 pm

Fion – I was laughing at the Tutu comment (12:55)

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 30th, 2011
1:12 pm

Uncle Peaches I’m crushed to that you’re crushing on me……LOL

Fion

June 30th, 2011
1:15 pm

@ Sexy
You wear those things because of identification and socialization.
They are dressing that way because that’s how they see themselves.
What you wear is a reflection of how you identify yourself.

Exiled!

June 30th, 2011
1:16 pm

Ashamed to agree with me?

I think folks who are truly conflicted actually deserve a lil bit more of our sympathy than scorn or despise!

It gotta be tough on the inside….

SexyCool

June 30th, 2011
1:17 pm

Um…yeah….you said the same thing twice and said exactly what I said.

SexyCool

June 30th, 2011
1:21 pm

Mee.low are you talking to me?

Because we are essentially saying the same thing. And I don’t scorn or despise them. I just don’t relate because I’m not gay. Like I said, I don’t get it….and that’s okay, because I don’t have to.

What they do is their business. However, as I have said a couple of times, that doesn’t stop me from having an opinion about it.