Fighting unfairly a red flag?
In the midst of a heated argument, my friend “Sara” was taken aback when her boyfriend said something really hurtful. Not only was it insulting, he ended it by calling her a name – not the sweet kind – the “C” kind.
She is pretty shook up by it for a couple of reasons: This was their first big relationship fight; he didn’t seem that remorseful; she wonders if these below the belt verbal jabs are a sign of something deeper. How would you handle this?
Have you ever said something hurtful to the person you are dating or married to? Do you think there are certain lines you just should not cross when you are having a disagreement?
Has someone ever gone too far and said something awful to you? How can you tell when it is verbal abuse and when it is just “fighting unfairly” in an argument?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
accessAtlanta Partner Sites
Sections
Advertise on accessAtlanta.com »
Reach the audience you want by advertising on accessAtlanta.com
Join the Access Atlanta Network »
Advertisers and Publishers, expand your reach by joining the Access Atlanta Network.
Tell us what you think about the site
Visitor Agreement | Privacy Statement | About our ads
© 2013 The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
192 comments Add your comment
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
June 30th, 2011
10:36 am
Did MC come back yesterday and straighten out his actions…..LOL
He gave one for the Gipper, I haven’t laughed that hard in a while. I admit I was hooked, except for the hug at the pool by another man.
Leggs
June 30th, 2011
10:38 am
Let’s just say, he didn’t come back as any of the 3 monikers at issue.
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
June 30th, 2011
10:42 am
LOL…..@Leggs
I still get an uncontrollable laugh at that fiasco.
Exiled!
June 30th, 2011
10:43 am
I see Leggs!
Now if u are a chic and ur guy has obviously grovelled and howled in delight, like DMX, whilst down there and u know ur C is a damn sweet spot,no way his calling u that should make u mad.
U will know he’s thinking if it and afraid of losing it!
Now,! If he has complained in the past when doing the belly button test,that there was a bad whiff…and then comes the C word..u know he’s trying to rub it in and hurt u!
Celisea™
June 30th, 2011
10:44 am
And who does that…call folks c@nt? I’ve heard of b@tch, ho, skank, punk, heffa (heifa), trick, buster, joker…but not that…not in my neck of the woods anyway…lol
Leggs
June 30th, 2011
10:45 am
All of the fiasco’s here have been comical, except one.
SlimNumeroUno
June 30th, 2011
10:45 am
I wonder what in the world they were arguing about that would lead to being called a c-unt.
Leggs
June 30th, 2011
10:46 am
Shet it up, Exiled. No one uses that word as a term of endearment…no one!
@Celisea ~ growing up in NYC, you hear it A LOT!!!!
SlimNumeroUno
June 30th, 2011
10:47 am
I think this is a world record as far as having 3 different personalities on the Blog’s Most Wanted list which actually only belongs to one person.
Leggs
June 30th, 2011
10:48 am
I have an ex-friend (the one who refuses to pay me back) who’s ex-husband would call her “maggot.” Oh my. When I first heard that I thought “what backward town did he come from.” Who calls their wife a “maggot” during a heated argument. But, looking back…hmmmmmm, he may be onto something (lol).
Celisea™
June 30th, 2011
10:48 am
Slim – I wonder what in the world they were arguing about that would lead to being called a c-unt.
Me too…
Leggs – Really? Not heard much in the south…at least I haven’t. Not as in name calling anyway
SexyCool
June 30th, 2011
10:48 am
Oh…and Lucinda…congrats on the new love in your life. I love LOVE. I am in love and I wish I could dish out an extra serving of it to everybody…even the folks I don’t like. (lol)
Fion
June 30th, 2011
10:52 am
“I wonder what in the world they were arguing about that would lead to being called a c-unt.”
She said some nasty things about him for using a coupon for dinner.
Leggs
June 30th, 2011
10:53 am
Back home, C U N T, is used as often as Mami, Papi, along with Bese Me C U L O!!!!
Exiled!
June 30th, 2011
10:56 am
Leggs!
I googles the word and in one of the explanations,I saw this:
she has the sweetest/prettiest c
I want to eat her c
I want to f-ck her c
I can’t think of any better superlatives at a woman’s sweet spot
Simple? ain’t I right?
Even tho it’s a moment of anger and argument,any woman being calked by her man foe what’s probably one of her most precious asset and man magnet should smile instead!
Reminds of that statement,’ shake what yr mama gave u!’
Exiled!
June 30th, 2011
10:58 am
Me
SexyCool
June 30th, 2011
10:59 am
Shthead never called me out of my name, but he didn’t have a problem saying things in our disagreements that were meant to intentionally hurt.
After I put him out and he called me to “talk about things”, once it became clear that he could not charm/explain his way into my good graces, he began to accuse me of being paranoid, crazy, lacking confidence, less than a woman. He even said that he was going to be married long before me and that I was going to be single forever. (OKAY….press pause…that is even funnier to me now than it was then.)
And is he married today? I have no idea. I don’t socialize with any of the folks that know both of us and have no reason to know anything about what is going on in his life. But I do know that I’m not single.
Take that. Take that. Take that. LMAO!
Celisea™
June 30th, 2011
11:05 am
And honestly, I think there’s a clear line in having a heated argument and treading dangerous zones, even to the point of no return versus straight taking it to the street…as in b*itch, ho and the likes.
Celisea™
June 30th, 2011
11:09 am
Soooo what else is new…any imposters today?
kimmie
June 30th, 2011
11:12 am
Morning All!
The concept of expecting someone to watch what they say to me during a disagreement came early in my dating life. My first serious boyfriend never called me out of my name, but would hit below the with his words. When I would bring it up later, he thought all was okay because he said it while he was mad. He was one that just had to have the last word and “win”. Some of the stuff he said haunts me somewhat to this day. Words can definitely do lasting damage, just like physical harm can.
I’ve never called a guy out of his name. I did yell so bad at one guy the walls in my house shook. I know the neighbors had to hear me. I’m not proud of that though.
“It was in the heat of the moment” is not an excuse for me. Not just in romantic relationships, but in other relationships too. Self-control is what seperates us from wild animals. I won’t have anyone talking to me any kind of way.
SCool – My first boyfriends said some of those same things to me.
kimmie
June 30th, 2011
11:14 am
boyfriend, not friends!
Simple Man..
June 30th, 2011
11:17 am
Co-sign with Exiled’s 10:56!!!
SexyCool
June 30th, 2011
11:17 am
I’m at the dealership getting some recall work done on my truck and they have the Casey Anthony case on in the waiting area. I have only been subjected to about 45 minutes of this and I’m about to commit hari-kari. Sheesh…….
(Praise Jesus that I thought to bring my laptop because they have free wi-fi and I can *kinda* ignore this mess.)
Leggs
June 30th, 2011
11:18 am
Exiled ~ you’re missing the point. We know it’s the sweet spot, but that’s not what it means when a man calls you that. He’s calling you a skank, grimy, dirty. Isn’t it amazing how it takes on an entirely different meaning when it’s said during an argument!!!
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
June 30th, 2011
11:19 am
LOL…..sometimes I would over hear two women argueing and one would say, say it call me a btch and I’ll knock your azz out……LOL I noticed most women don’t like being called that. It’s a staple word in a verbal fight between women.
SlimNumeroUno
June 30th, 2011
11:20 am
Feels like it’s going to be another Molasses blog day…I need a jolt of something and fast. It’s too early to be ready to go home already. sigh
kimmie
June 30th, 2011
11:23 am
Simple, that blows my mind that you cosign. Thought you had a little more finesse than that.
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
June 30th, 2011
11:27 am
LOL….@Slim “another Molasses blog day”
Lucky for me I get the hell out of dodge at 3. Sometimes when I’m working later I hang around.
Fion
June 30th, 2011
11:28 am
All arguments are not about the supposedly “discussed” issue. Sometime it’s about control, domination and power in the relationship.
Example: argument starts, but the person is yellin’ about something totally unrelated to issue supposedly the argument was about.
IMO, those are the most dangerous folk to be in any type of relationship with.
those seeking Control and Power.
Lovely Brown
June 30th, 2011
11:28 am
LOL…..sometimes I would over hear two women argueing and one would say, say it call me a btch and I’ll knock your azz out……LOL I noticed most women don’t like being called that. It’s a staple word in a verbal fight between women
Blackfoote- I have heard some women use it as a term of endearment toward “their girl(s)”….oh hell no.
I don’t play that way though. If you call me a bytch, thems fightin’ words
Leggs
June 30th, 2011
11:29 am
@kimmie ~ thank you, I was surprised when he co-signed as well.
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
June 30th, 2011
11:32 am
LOL….@Lovely Brown
I’ve heard women tell guys that too, hey that’s my btch you talking to…..LOL
Leggs
June 30th, 2011
11:34 am
@Blackfoote ~ you have got to be kidding!
Fion
June 30th, 2011
11:37 am
Sidebar::
Ladies Ya’ll turn ya heads for a minuite
@Exiled & Simple
Pissssst, exactly which Pimpin’ Manual ya’ll using????
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
June 30th, 2011
11:42 am
Seriously Leggs a friend of mine was talking to a lady, she told him she was gay. One of the girls she was with (about 6 of them) came up to him and said that’s her btch he was trying to talk to. She look the dominate part as well. We raised our eye brows shrugging at each other.
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
June 30th, 2011
11:50 am
I hope no one get offended, but I can’t take the women wearing the calf length shorts with tank top and baseball cap. Any who does I will not judge you.
SlimNumeroUno
June 30th, 2011
11:52 am
A woman will be quick to call another woman a bitch…There seems to be a very large disparity between the selection of negative/hurtful adjectives used to refer to a woman, than there are to describe a dude. I think that’s why women resort to ragging on a guy’s little weenie or lack of bedroom skills when they are trying to hit below the belt. (no pun intended)
Exiled!
June 30th, 2011
11:54 am
Blackfoote,u are holding fort very well and explaining to them how a so called bad word can be good when used to a different audience and context.
Simple/Exiled’s pimping manual is actually borrowing from your insight.
SexyCool
June 30th, 2011
11:56 am
Oh…Slim…folks just aren’t being creative….I can think of SEVERAL. (lol)
BF – just recently, it just IRKS me to see all these chicks dressing like men. Saggin, Timberlands, wifebeaters, hats to the back, walking hard, just hard masculine mannerisms. I don’t get it.
Leggs
June 30th, 2011
11:56 am
What’s wrong with that outfit, Blackfoote. The outfit can look different depending on the shoes. What if she has heels on?
Lovely Brown
June 30th, 2011
11:58 am
@ Blackfoote- I had neighbors that are lesbians. As long as they kept their grass cut..they were cool with me
Seriously, they were alright. My husband used to tell me not to have any drinks with them though….I used to laugh, but he was dead serious 
Exiled!
June 30th, 2011
12:02 pm
They are lesbian SexxyCool,why can’t u get it!?
Leggs
June 30th, 2011
12:03 pm
Those chicks are dikes, SC.
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
June 30th, 2011
12:03 pm
Exiled: Yeah it goes both ways.
SexyC: Make it worse it is young girls going in that direction.
Leggs: If her pants are saggin at her butt……LOL her heels she’s wearing aint gonna help that look.
Exiled!
June 30th, 2011
12:06 pm
Blackfoote,u know Rachel Maddow?
SexyCool
June 30th, 2011
12:07 pm
Just because they are geigh, they don’t have to dress like men. Hell, half the time, I’m walking up on folks wondering if they are lesbian or just little men.
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
June 30th, 2011
12:08 pm
Lovely Brown:
Throughout my working life I have had the opportunity to work with gay men. I never had any problem with them or been approched by any of them. They were quite cool and funny as hell. I can recall when they would be upset with their partner and it would be a laugh fest.
Exiled!
June 30th, 2011
12:10 pm
But that’s a choice based on how they feeling and want to represent themselves
same way with u when its a sunny day and u dress in a short mini sun dress showing ur phine chiseled legs,feeling extra sexxy special coz theDude is coming!
Right?
Leggs
June 30th, 2011
12:11 pm
@Blackfoote, you said wearing pants down to the calf. I thought you were talking about capri pants, a tank top and baseball cap with ponytail sticking out at the end….I’m sorry, had the wrong visual!
Kellibean
June 30th, 2011
12:12 pm
I think everyone has said something they shouldn’t have said in the heat of an argument. I know I have and I felt horrible about it and apologized immediately, but the words still hurt him for a while. I now know how to control the anger and not say anything that I will regret later.
I really believe that you can tell a lot about a person by the way they fight. I was engaged about 10 years ago and the guy always agreed with me on everything! I would try to get him to fight so that I knew how he fought, but he wouldn’t fight back. I know that sounds stupid, but I was afraid that after a long time, we would get into an argument and he would get nasty. I never found out. There were many reasons, but I called off the engagement.
Now…my ex boyfriend used to throw my past in my face any chance he could during a fight. He was HORRIBLE to me!!! He also had mental problems, so I would try to not let it bother me, but then he did it one time too many and I had to let him go. He was definitely mentally abusive and if we lived in the same town, it probably would have gotten physical. I later found out that he physically abused an ex. If he had tried to lay a had on me, then I would have probably killed him!
My current s/o and I have had some blowouts in the past, but neither one of us hits below the belt. Maybe early in the relationship one of us had said something out of line, but immediately apologized for it. It’s amazing what anger can do to you. We have since learned to fight well!
We are respectful to each other and only fight about the issue. There are times when I’ve been tempted to bring up other things, but it’s not worth it because things usually don’t get resolved in the heat of the moment. We will let it all out, then end up calmly discussing the issue and figuring out how to resolve it.