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Fighting unfairly a red flag?

In the midst of a heated argument, my friend “Sara” was taken aback when her boyfriend said something really hurtful. Not only was it insulting, he ended it by calling her a name – not the sweet kind – the “C” kind.

She is pretty shook up by it for a couple of reasons: This was their first big relationship fight; he didn’t seem that remorseful; she wonders if these below the belt verbal jabs are a sign of something deeper. How would you handle this?

Have you ever said something hurtful to the person you are dating or married to? Do you think there are certain lines you just should not cross when you are having a disagreement?

Has someone ever gone too far and said something awful to you? How can you tell when it is verbal abuse and when it is just “fighting unfairly” in an argument?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

192 comments Add your comment

To the Left

June 30th, 2011
6:14 am

GM!
When that happened to me, he said by definition ‘no fight is ever fair”. It took me a little while, but I sent that arse packing. It’s a form of abuse that no one should tolerate.

Exiled!

June 30th, 2011
8:07 am

GM!

What’s the ‘C’ word?

sorry uall,linguistically challenged here!

Simple Man...

June 30th, 2011
8:11 am

Morning folks….This is simple….If you can not maintain respect for your partner when you are pissed, then yoo DO NOT have rescpect for them at anytime….

Bishop Eddie Longs Red Pantys

June 30th, 2011
8:15 am

The c word is C&nt

Fion

June 30th, 2011
8:18 am

“What’s the ‘C’ word?”

Maybe he called her a Chipmunk.

Lucinda

June 30th, 2011
8:19 am

How somebody fights says a lot about them as a person. We all get upset, we all say things we may regret later — but calling somebody a C reveals underlying character. She has learned something important about him.

My ex used to say things like “you control what you believe, so it doesn’t matter what I say.” To some extent, yes, but if the person who is supposed to have your back says ugly stuff, that, once again, says something about their character. There is a fine line between being upset and emotional, and being abusive. I wish I had known that then. Now I have a PERMANENT Restraining Order against him. Think about the evidence needed to get that from a judge.

So, listen carefully please. What happens in arguments tells you about that person’s character, and character drives everything.

Now I have a great new man and it is amazing how much brighter life is.

Getting off the podium now.

Lucinda

June 30th, 2011
8:21 am

p.s. I know the regulars here are a tough group to crack, so I don’t often post, but I’m hoping somebody recognizes a person of poor character and gets out of the situation before it turns truly ugly.

I am the angry boyfriend

June 30th, 2011
8:22 am

I called her that because that what she was being….If you have a problem, have her correct her behavior!

Exiled!

June 30th, 2011
8:24 am

Simple Man..

June 30th, 2011
8:25 am

Lucinda, teh regulars here are not nearly as tough as they pretend to be!! :)

Bishop Eddie Longs Red Panties

June 30th, 2011
8:30 am

Enter your comments here

Sweet Pea

June 30th, 2011
8:47 am

Good Morning!

Taking cheap shots at a person by hurling insults that are hurtful only reveals the true character of that person, shows he/she has no respect for you, and it reveals their own insecurities in my opinion. If you’ve shared things that were hurtful in your past with a person who takes the opportunity to insult you in an argument by reflecting back on those things……then certainly it is not only a red flag but a cue to decide whether the relationship is right for you especially if it is verbal abuse.

Fion

June 30th, 2011
9:00 am

Aye man, Conflict Resolution is tricky. Some folk are skilled at it and have skills to reach positive outcomes.
Others are not skilled and have no Conflict Resolution skills at all.
To prevent being caught off guard, pay attention to how Folk handled, resolved prior relationship conflicts and Life battles.
Listen and learn. Life struggles don’t build character, they reveal it. Let the facts speak to you. They are who they are.

What you say + What you do = Who you are.

DeeDeBee

June 30th, 2011
9:04 am

Lucinda you are correct. Character drives everything. January 15, 1990 my husband (now several years divorced) called me the B word. It hurt me to my very soul. So please be careful and loving when you “fight”. IT IS POSSIBLE!!

Lucinda

June 30th, 2011
9:04 am

Simple Man mebbe.

What you do when nobody could ever find out about it is the true measure of your character.

Celisea™

June 30th, 2011
9:05 am

Morning,

While I agree with the masses (so far), I’ll be the first to admit I’ve done. Is it right to do? No. But I have been irked, provoked or at the height of my anger and went there….no holds barred. While it’s no excuse, I was younger and less in control of emotions and feelings and had a whole lot to learn….mainly about myself.

I’m older and still believe what I believe about tolerance and compromise, etc. I just think though there’s a much better and calmer to do and say and accomplish what you should.

I find it hard to believe though that EVERYBODY so far have never ever spoken a word out of terms or been provoked beyond the point of return. I gather most was born say around 30/35 years of age?? Just saying…not a jab at anyone. :)

SexyCool

June 30th, 2011
9:06 am

Lucinda…we’re really just a bunch of big softies. (lol)

SexyCool

June 30th, 2011
9:07 am

And on another note….

For some reason, I just feel like second lining this morning. (lol)

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 30th, 2011
9:09 am

Fighting with words are just as harmful as getting pumelled with hands. Strangist thing it can be a man being abused by a woman. Women take the brunt of abuse, if you are abused in any kind of way get out and start with a new life it aint worth your precious heart.

Good Morning: The Real Black/Blackfoote

SlimNumeroUno

June 30th, 2011
9:10 am

Good morning and happy Thankful Thursday – Like to start off by saying i’m thankful for my blogsville fam that helps me skate through my days and give me some crazy azz stuff to laugh at when I really need it. You guys definitely keep me entertained for the most part ;-)

On-topic: It’s one thing to fight, argue, debate or what not while in a relationship because no two folks will ALWAYS agree. But to call your partner out of their name just to be hurtful is absurd. Once the argument is over and the anger has subsided, the effect of those hurtful words still remain. I would question how a person REALLY felt about me if they felt the need to speak to me in that way.

LeeH1

June 30th, 2011
9:13 am

People who have to win arguments, even if it means losing the relationship war, are people with disorganized thinking. They can’t keep their eye on the goal, because they have to win at any price, even if it means hurting the people they love in order to score a point.

When a woman escalates an argument, or is unfair in her dealing with me, I run away as fast as possible. If they can’t fight fairly, then they also haven’t been trained to deal fairly with others. Usually, you can look at the parents and see the cause.

It is not only a red flag, it is a sign to put up a white one and to surrender the relationship.

whitey

June 30th, 2011
9:19 am

Im gonna be an eletical engineer!

CDW

June 30th, 2011
9:20 am

How you fight is often more important to the relationship than how you conduct yourself when everything is fine. Fighting dirty is just that – dirty. My husband used to aim as low as possible, until we had a blow out that didn’t need to happen: he stated his complaint, I said “you are right – I apologize” and he went on from there to make all sorts of attacks on my character.

He admited afterwards that he was used to fighting dirty, fighting to wound. I pointed out that he went from being right with an apology to being a JA and groveling for forgiveness, so maybe that method wasn’t going to work anymore.

As for the Diva’s friend, assuming the BF isn’t a nasty JA overall, just a mean fighter, she might consider having the conversation with him (NOT in the heat of battle) establishing ground rules for fighting. Those rules might include a cooling off period, no name calling, stick to the point of the arguement, do not instigate character or personal attacks, no threats (such as threaten to leave). She might point out that if he wouldn’t hit her physically, he shouldn’t do so emotionally, either.

Kim

June 30th, 2011
9:21 am

Having a disagreement about a specific topic means the argument should be about that issue. When someone starts being insulting, rude, and disrespectful and is off topic that is a clear flag that they lack communication skills. What people often forget is that after the argument is over the nasty things said are NEVER forgotten especially if they had nothing to do with the argument at all. You can’t take those nasty words back long after the argument is over.

MsMarriedUp

June 30th, 2011
9:25 am

That last part @Celisea™ wrote “I find it hard to believe…” is on point. True, I’ve been married up 2xs and have never been ’single’ which the one thing I’ve picked up on is every relationship has these worthy of walking away from moments. (&I mean SERIOUSLY) worthy of walking away moments!!! So, you really have to size up more than what really hurts your feelings because if this is the ’sole’ yardstick used to determine people or things, and grant it… I find calling someone a c– over the line…but this alone is just not enough information to say it’s worth walking away from.

The funny thing is, people say and do hurtful stuff all day long on these jobs… I mean all day long taking jabs at each other, and we hang in there cause we need the money. But really!?! We can hang in there and try to work things out for the man, but not with our mate!?! Quiet as it’s kept, it’s all kinds of money-making potential in two making it work vs. one.

Exiled!

June 30th, 2011
9:25 am

Hey softies,give me an example(s) of fighting dirty…please.

Somebody!

there is no such thing as a fair fight..otherwise it’s not a fight.

Amia

June 30th, 2011
9:27 am

When a person gets angry you tend say things that having been festering inside you for a long time and they come out in a hurtful way. That’s the problem…he is disrespectful and I wouldn’t have another word to say to him.

Bearded Clam Hunter

June 30th, 2011
9:28 am

Think about the evidence needed to get that from a judge.

Yes but women get restraining orders all the time as a tool of revenge. (I am not saying you did, but I’m saying in general)

So, listen carefully please. What happens in arguments tells you about that person’s character, and character drives everything.

No, I somewhat disagree.

Sometimes, and I speak from experience, one person will ABSOLUTELY FVCKING REFUSE TO STOP aggravating & harassing the other in an argument, then will bitch and complain when the other person reacts in an “undesirable” or very upset fashion.

This can easily happen to people who would never, ever go off the deep end in any other part of their life. Harassing the hell out of someone until they break and then calling them “abusive” or “out of control” does not an argument make.

You can’t have it both ways. But again, I don’t know your situation, not saying you did, just a friendly reminder of the lack of both sides of the story that exists sometimes.

Bit-O-Hunny

June 30th, 2011
9:32 am

I can admit that I cut deep in the heat of an argument. Only b/c I’ve been cut myself. I’m not a confrontational person and am usually upbeat but when I get there….please be advised…it ain’t nice and certainly not fair.

Celisea™

June 30th, 2011
9:38 am

MsMarriedUp – I agree

I’m far beyond even getting to the point of being irked and spouting things that are harmful. But where I was going is that I’ve been provoked and pushed to that point. The point of saying what I REALLY feel and think…not so much name calling. Things I’ve held back to spare someone’s feeling but they’re actions didn’t spare mine. Giving out brutal honesty. I say it all the time, never been one for tolerating too much but I have cared so much so that I’ve tipped around an issue. What I learned was getting things out when it’s time to talk about them, not when you’re angry and handing remarks or insults (be it the truth) in a heated moment. It NEVER comes out right nor is it received at all or as well as could have been had it been spoken at the right time. Those are things that I as a person had to learn to do…not waiting, not holding back when it’s needed, etc.

Simple Man..

June 30th, 2011
9:39 am

I am Proud to say that while I have been in some SUPER HEATED arguments, I have never resulted in calling a person I was involved with a B**ch, or a C**T or anything of a sort…..I was rasied by strong and beautiful women and because of such I don’t think I could bring myself to hurl that kind of insult at anyone I have / had feelings for…

Celisea™

June 30th, 2011
9:40 am

And I’ve had the same returned…in a heated moment, brutal honesty. Outside of the kid’s father (cause honestly he don’t count…don’t judge me), I can’t recall name calling and things of that sort.

Lovely Brown

June 30th, 2011
9:50 am

Enter your comments here

Leggs

June 30th, 2011
9:54 am

Good morning!

Has anybody defined the C word yet. If not, the only race I know that really uses that word are Spanish/Caucasian people. Of course, I may be wrong, but haven’t really heard of many black men calling their SO’s that.

I feel that when arguing, the level of respect you have for that person SHOULD curtail certain derogatory things a person would say. Nothing wrong with arguing. But, when you get “gutter” on the one you supposedly love, I have a problem with that. The love and respect you have for a person should automatically FILTER the level you’d take the argument to. And, when that isn’t done, I will have to seriously question if I will continue in the relationship. Words hurt and most words are said to injure. However, you may just be sketching the outline of the demise of the relationship. Arguing doesn’t mean disrespecting your partner with hurtful, angry words just because you’re angry. There’s an art to arguing and respect for one another should be at its foundation.

Lovely Brown

June 30th, 2011
9:59 am

I hate when that happens! :lol:

Good Morning all….today is my Friday at work and I am so happy! :-)

On topic- I admit me and my husband have fought unfairly. He has said some things to me and I to him that would be a dealbreaker for some folk. I remember when we were taking marriage counseling before we got married….the couple, our former pastor and his wife said they never fought. We couldn’t wait to get out there because we said somebody is lying or one/ both of them is ticking time bomb waiting to explode! :lol: You are gonna fight in a realtionship, you have two indivduals that are trying to compromise, everyone is not good at that. You have to decide what level of fight you can take IMO.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 30th, 2011
9:59 am

Leggs & Celisea:
Thing I learned, a person wont argue by them self. I know it made them more inflamed when I gave them nothing to feed off of. After a little cooling time, I would ask are you ready to talk or continue running up your blood pressure. Some arguements are healthy in a relation, others should exit quickly.

Exiled!

June 30th, 2011
10:04 am

Lovely B!

U so right. I’ve never called my wife the ‘B’ word coz she does Not have,even remotely,those qualities. But there are some characteristics if hers that I don’t like but tolerate because I luv her.

Now when we fight,Yes,I will call her on those qualities,with examples.

That’s fighting fair,I think.

@Leggs..what is the C word. U know I ain’t Spanish nor Caucasian. Lol

Lovely Brown

June 30th, 2011
10:05 am

But where I was going is that I’ve been provoked and pushed to that point. The point of saying what I REALLY feel and think…not so much name calling. Things I’ve held back to spare someone’s feelings but they’re actions didn’t spare mine- Celisea

Been there before myself….it was ugly.

SlimNumeroUno

June 30th, 2011
10:05 am

The “C” word sounds like blunt but without the BL

Leggs

June 30th, 2011
10:08 am

@Blackfoote ~ good for you. I know it’s hard to walk away from an argument. I have tried on a few occasions to no avail. However, what he called me and how he said will forever ring in my ears. And, when I thought things have calmed down and asked him again if he truthfully felt that way and received the answer of Yes, I knew it was time to go!

To an extent, arguing is healthy to any relationship. But, come on folks, this is the person you’re sleeping with, perhaps even a parent with. Watch what you say and how you say it!

CoolShadow

June 30th, 2011
10:08 am

If someone’s fighting unfairly with me (taking info that’s confidential or sensitive to me and throwing back in my face during an argument), my next move is to evaluate whether it’s an isolated event or start of a trend. If they immediately apologize, I’m more likely to forgive and move on. But if it’s their strategy I’m retreating from opening up, which is probably the beginning of the end.

Exiled!

June 30th, 2011
10:13 am

I didnt know WD is caucasian/Spanish

Robert

June 30th, 2011
10:13 am

I guess I’m in the minority. My wife and I have never had a fight in 19 years of marriage. Nothing even close to a knockdown argument. Inside or outside the relationship, I’m the type of guy who would never say anything to anyone that would hurt a person’s feelings or humiliate them. When you come right down to it, calling someone else an ugly name is simply immature, and I believe adults to it because of their own insecurities.

Argument resolves nothing, and has the result of hardening rather than converting the stance of the other party. Stop arguing and saying hurtful things to each other and get to the bottom of what’s truly bothering you.

Celisea™

June 30th, 2011
10:14 am

Blackfoote – Yeah, most men I know will not say anything. But that’s not always good. There are things that honestly need to be discussed to avoid breaking points. I did see where you said you’ll come back once things have sort of calmed down a bit. Sometimes though, some folks don’t want to hear or discuss anything…just let it ride. That only causes a person to explode at some point.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 30th, 2011
10:22 am

I had a friend tell me her and man got into an arguement recently. LOL……(funny and not funny) She said he told her to eat shi and die, now all she can hear ringing in her ears is that phrase. It was during the heat of the moment, and the damage it caused lingers longer.

Leggs

June 30th, 2011
10:24 am

@Exiled, reading back I see the C word was defined at 8:15, from all people, Bishop Eddie Long who apparently doesn’t like that too much!

I too may be wrong, but I thought the C word stood for C U N T!

Leggs

June 30th, 2011
10:25 am

It’s WD’s friend, Sara, who’s asking Exiled.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 30th, 2011
10:30 am

I thought that’s what it meant too Leggs.

Mimi

June 30th, 2011
10:33 am

she should run far far away from this guy like her arse is on fire

Leggs

June 30th, 2011
10:34 am

That’s what it means, Blackfoote. Don’t even know why I questioned myself.