In marital news: ‘How married are you?’
You have to hand it to relationship writers. They come up with the most fascinating ways to spin the topic of marriage. Did you know that there are categories of marriage that are clearly defined? I know you are probably skeptical. I was too when I read about it.
(Sidebar: If you are on the fence about marriage. Stop reading here. No, really. Come back tomorrow.)
So of all the different types of marriage that author Pamela Haag outlines in her book, I was most interested in the semi-happy marriage. To wit:
All marriages have their ups and downs, but the semihappy marriage is chronically ambivalent. It’s a marriage that’s neither miserable nor all that successful. Semi happy spouses genuinely can’t decide if they should stick it out and live with the faults in the marriage, or if those faults are too much to handle.
I don’t know about you, but my unmarried self does not read this and think of marital bliss. I am thankful to have my parent’s marriage as a real life example of what it takes to make a marriage work.
I have no expectations of 24/7 marital happiness and joy with kittens and rainbows all the time. I expect that days will come when I contemplate ringing my husband’s neck, and other days I won’t be able to keep my hands off of him.
My guess is that semi happy couples that are married were semi happy people before they hooked up and became “chronically ambivalent couple” in one house. Or perhaps I am being naive since I’ve never been a wife.
What do you think? Is there such a thing as different “types” of marriage? If so, what “type” of marriage would you label and define? If you are married or have been married before, how would you describe the type of marriage you have/had?
Hat tip to Simple Man for sending this topic idea to me.
(Feel free to send other topic ideas to me MIA blog family! Wise.Diva@gmail.com)
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308 comments Add your comment
dd
June 15th, 2011
7:36 am
Guys, find a good sex partner that can cook and believes in the holy spirit.
You’ll be glad you did.
Heat Guy J
June 15th, 2011
7:42 am
The most obvious example is the marriage of convenience, although these days it’s less about money and more about not-so-young professionals trying to get their parents and peers off their backs. In many of these situations, the spouses tolerate each other, but are often not in love at all, which makes parenthood feel like a chore.
I’ve avoided this dead end many times, and each woman I dealt with was grateful that I was upfront about this; namely, that they were in a rush to wed because of peer pressure or age. It’s like a sports franchise getting nervous at the trade deadline and signing or re-signing the wrong player out of desperation, and then being locked in a bad contract for years (Hawks fans understand this all too well). Forever is a long time, so find someone you love, even if you’re the last of your friends to settle down. Odds are, you’ll be more happily married for much longer. Until then, enjoy free agency; it’s fun to play the field while you can.
Mckinley
June 15th, 2011
8:16 am
This question comes at a time when I’ve reach my breaking point in my marriage. I’ve been married for 15 yrs and the problems we had when we first got married are still there. It’s easy to shift blame as to who’s fault it is, but ultimately we both should take responsibilty. I’ve stayed in hopes that things would eventually get better, that soon turned into being married for convenience, staying for apperances, not wanting to be alone, and a failure. One day I had what Oprah would call a Ah ha moment and had to realize that I needed to be happy for the sake of being happy and stop going through the motions in what was a dead marriage.
pdubb2986
June 15th, 2011
8:20 am
Marriage is like being on lock down at times.
Simple Man....
June 15th, 2011
8:33 am
Morning Folks….
I have gotten to a point in my life where I am really trying to decide If I will ever be married. As I contemplate my prospects, I am equally excited and terrified by what I see when I look at the possibilities of marriage. Since so many members of our blog familiy are married or otherwise committed, I was hoping that I might be able to get some additional insight that will either ease my road into marriage, or confirm my lifetime singleness…..
Exiled!
June 15th, 2011
8:56 am
Dd!
U on point. If u like kids,maybe see if she does too and is good with cleaning.
Simple?
If u have a girlfriend right now,I advise u both agree to do a test drive by shacking. That’s ur best bet at experimenting on marriage. No tie down if it dont work and seeing u wanna be very cautious.
Either way,there are no guarantees.
For a marriage to be successful, I think it is 50% you and 50% luck!
Exiled!
June 15th, 2011
9:02 am
Shacking is actually the topic today on Momania.
How so apt!
Into the Light
June 15th, 2011
9:07 am
Good morning, all!
I’m not married, but came close. Thank God we didn’t pull the trigger, because the things that were wrong with our relationship would have continued, only with a legal binding.
I’m not a cynic – I believe in marriage and would love to be with my soulmate. But until he comes along, I’m content to have fun and enjoy life as a single woman. Truly, I would rather be alone than with the wrong one.
Lovely Brown
June 15th, 2011
9:13 am
Good Morning All!
Mckinley- I have been married 15 years also…..I feel you.
As for the topic, relationship writers are trying to sell a story. That is why this “writer” came up with a spin on marriage….there are no degrees or levels of marriage IMO. That is a bunch of bullschit! You’re either married or you’re not married. It may good today, bad tomorrow. Some days I love my husband, some days I could be the star of a episode of Snapped!
And I am sure my husband feels the same way about me. Marriage, just like everything else in life, is what you make it.
kimmie
June 15th, 2011
9:24 am
Morning All!
Simple – You have to do what feels right to you. Forget statistics and what you see others doing or not doing. Forget the semi-happy crap too. You don’t know what is really going on in folks house. Those ambivalent folk are probably the ones that got married for the wrong reasons and did it because everyone expected them to and they were getting older and it seemed like the thing to do. They are probably like that about everything in their life. Don’t have the guts to follow their heart. That’s not living, that’s settling.
When I think back on my wedding 2 Saturdays ago in Vegas and the fun we had and the family I have now, I am ever so certain and grateful things worked out the way that they did for me. The biggest regret I had on my wedding day was that my parents and youngest brother were not alive to be there. Otherwise, I was not nervous at all because I knew I was doing the right thing.
Look for the person that will fit in with the life you want. Be friends and build something together, even if the 2 of you decide you want to do things different and not go the marriage route.
Mr_NYC
June 15th, 2011
9:43 am
Greetings everyone
“You have to do what feels right to you. Forget statistics and what you see others doing or not doing… You don’t know what is really going on in folks house
Look for the person that will fit in with the life you want. Be friends and build something together” I think this is a great point Kimmie and I totally agree.
My folks have been married for 49 years and this is what I see with them, their lives fit and they’ve built something solid. Regardless of what is going on around them and what’s popular they stay the course. To this day I swear my mom still blushes around my dad and he adores her.
Leggs
June 15th, 2011
9:49 am
Good morning!
@McKinnley ~ I gather your Ah ha moment has led you to file for divorce? Some get that Ah ha moment and still do nothing about it.
Leggs
June 15th, 2011
9:54 am
That is so sweet Mr_NYC!
abc
June 15th, 2011
9:57 am
I’ve been in a marriage that wasn’t even semi-happy. I would have stuck it out, but she wouldn’t. Fine with me. It’s a pretty crappy way of life.
I’m married now and it’s 24/7 happiness. There is no better way to live, for me. So, it can happen. In my view and from my experience, your first love is most likely your true love. Finding that later in life might not really be an option, but as with everything, there are exceptions.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
June 15th, 2011
9:57 am
Morning All!
Yeah there are different types of marriages: yours and everybody elses. What you and your spouse do to make your marriage work may not be the same for everybody else. We all have married friends whose relationships we admire and some who we question how/why the heck they got together. Bottomline is those people are in their marriages doing what makes their marriage work.
As for those that are in those ’semi happy’ marriages…..well I agree with kimmie (congrats again by the way). Sounds like you settled and that you were semi-happy from the beginning.
kimmie
June 15th, 2011
10:01 am
Thanks Mo!
Black and White Smiley Faces ☺☻
June 15th, 2011
10:02 am
You can spend the rest of your life looking for a “soul mate”, based on ideals found in the movies or romance novels, or you can spend then rest of your life married to a good, loving person and actually enjoying your life.
The decision is yours.
June 15th, 2011
10:04 am
Instead of playing games with American women, I’ll be going back overseas to meet a traditional, loving woman who’s got her head on straight, very sexy, and not fat.
It’s awesome to have an alternative to the same old crap here.
I recommend other American guys do the same; at least those who aren’t p-whipped.
Leggs
June 15th, 2011
10:05 am
Hey Mo…did you enjoy the concert (BMcKnight)? I so loved Joe!!!
Leggs
June 15th, 2011
10:06 am
Hey Ghost, more power to you!
Simple Man....
June 15th, 2011
10:08 am
Ghost dude @ 10:04…
Sooooo…. How much are those Mail order Brides costing you????
Sassy Me...Black Butterfly :-)
June 15th, 2011
10:22 am
there are no degrees or levels of marriage IMO. That is a bunch of bullschit! You’re either married or you’re not married.
That’s what I thought too when I read that…it’s like being a little pregnant…chile puhleaze you either are or you ain’t. That aside I have to be honest and say I know several “ambivilantly happy” married couples and when I interact with them I’m glad I’m not married. I’m not knocking the institution but I don’t think that’s for me(at least not right now) and I’m fine with that. Makes me wonder if this contributes to the divorce/infidelity rate…
Fion
June 15th, 2011
10:22 am
“Did you know that there are categories of marriage that are clearly defined?”
Wow!!!! Dangerous Nonsense.
SexyCool
June 15th, 2011
10:23 am
No Name/Ghost Dude – in 20 years and after a couple of babies, when your hot, foreign chick is older and most likely, plumper, I will be asking the Dr. Phil question, “So, how’s that working out for ya’?”
Leggs
June 15th, 2011
10:24 am
“Makes me wonder if this contributes to the divorce/infidelity rate…”
@SassyMe ~ only if you’re one of the ones messing around with a married man!!
SexyCool
June 15th, 2011
10:26 am
Ambivalent or unhappily married people always make me think two or three things:
1) They should have made a better choice.
2) They got married for the wrong reasons.
3) They skills necessary to maintain a long-term relationship are sadly under-developed.
Mckinley
June 15th, 2011
10:28 am
@ Leggs.. In the process of moving out.. Divorce has been discussed mostly by me, I will end up filing… can’t keep walking on the same grass
kimmie
June 15th, 2011
10:33 am
Sass – That’s why you have to do what works for YOU. I have seen folk that LOOKED like they were so in love and perfect break up. I’ve also seen folk who were “ambivalent” or at each other’s throat all the time weather many a storm and work it out. You don’t what is going on in people’s house.
Other folks around that were unhappy or divorced never influenced me one way or the other.
Roberta
June 15th, 2011
10:37 am
I kind of agree with Homer Simpson. Marriage is like a coffin, and a kid is just another nail in it.
Dan - Simply....Superior
June 15th, 2011
10:37 am
Yeah no name
Women from other countries spread like melted butter after a few years. You have a 10 year window with spanish women, ethiopians start to get big knuckles (they usually shrink), but as with any woman, if she’en got it in her to keep it tight, you can’t make her
SexyCool
June 15th, 2011
10:40 am
“big knuckles”….
_____________flatlined_____________
kimmie
June 15th, 2011
10:41 am
Ghost dude probably fat anyway. That’s why he’s got to mail off for a bride. Nobody over here wants him.
SexyCool
June 15th, 2011
10:43 am
“Don’t be psseewhupped. Whup. That. Pssee!”
Couldn’t resist.
Exiled!
June 15th, 2011
10:44 am
Roberta?
u are female?
Damn u such a witch!!!
No way my kids are nails in the coffin. Luv those rugrats to death!
They are the fertilizer to my marriage!
Leggs
June 15th, 2011
10:45 am
@SassyMe ~ just messing with you. I know what you’re saying.
@McKinley ~ however you do it, I hope you always remain respectful.
@kimmie ~ I immediately thought Ghostdude isn’t getting any from the confident American women so he needs to go overseas where he can find a more subservient partner.
SexyCool
June 15th, 2011
10:45 am
This weekend, TheDude and I went to a baby shower. The wife’s aunt somehow started talking to us about relationships. She has been married 40+ years. She says that the two that you absolutely need to make it in a relationship is that you have to actually like each other and that you have to be each other’s best friend.
Thanks, Aunt Dot.
Leggs
June 15th, 2011
10:45 am
BTW, love “Dangerous Nonsense!”
Sassy Me...Black Butterfly :-)
June 15th, 2011
10:46 am
Kimmie you’re absolutely right…who knows what goes on behind closed doors in other people’s homes. There’s someone for everyone.
only if you’re one of the ones messing around with a married man!!
No I’m not and that wasn’t my point…I asked that because it’s evident that men AND women cheat and I wondered if the ambivilant happiness at home could be a factor.
Sassy Me...Black Butterfly :-)
June 15th, 2011
10:50 am
but as with any woman, if she’en got it in her to keep it tight, you can’t make her
Cosign…the same thing goes for men,too. Who wants to cuddle up to a beer belly or have to lift it out of the way in order to get to the…
Okay Leggs no problem
Mi nah feel no way ’bout it…seen?!
kimmie
June 15th, 2011
10:52 am
evident that men AND women cheat and I wondered if the ambivilant happiness at home could be a factor.
Sass – That’s the EXCUSE they will give for the cheating!
Blackfoote
June 15th, 2011
10:57 am
How married are you? Marriage has different levels? Do love has the same levels? What else do I need to learn?
Purple Rain
June 15th, 2011
10:57 am
Marriage is marriage, every day will not be the worse or the best. You have to give and get equally sometimes be selfish sometimes deny yourself. Marriage is like having a permenant best friend for life. So if you are semi married, your probably made the wrong choice or lack respect for yourself and your mate. If people respected themselves more that would automatically make you respect your mate more by default. Marriage is not for everyone for a varitey of reasons, but for those who it is for….it is great. Simple Man, pray and let God guide you to the woman you are suppose to be if that’s his plan for you….there is a difference between a Godly union and a man made union. Guess which one is more likely to fail…thing is we have to clean are ears and make sure HE is choosing and not our mind.
Nipping in the bud anyone saying chruch people get divorced or unhappy etc…just because they go there doesnt mean God put then together. LOL
June 15th, 2011
10:57 am
“when your hot, foreign chick is older and most likely, plumper, I will be asking the Dr. Phil question, “So, how’s that working out for ya’?””
No, you won’t be, unless she’s genetically inclined to do so, which is not typically the case (depending on origin I’m referring to)
“Women from other countries spread like melted butter after a few years. You have a 10 year window with spanish women, ethiopians start to get big knuckles (they usually shrink), but as with any woman, if she’en got it in her to keep it tight, you can’t make her”
Not typically. Actually women from the countries I have in mind are typically more active and eat healthier. Especially fruit, chicken, and etc. Fried foods and take-out are very rare unlike here. Some women, maybe. I don’t concern myself with Ethiopians although some can be attractive. The ones I’ve met did not have large knuckles.
“Ghost dude probably fat anyway. That’s why he’s got to mail off for a bride. Nobody over here wants him.”
Not true at all. Actually I’m in excellent health, wear the same size pants as I did 15 years ago, weigh 170 and can run 2 miles. Also have great skin, hair, and exercise regularly, make about $80K/year, college degree..
“I immediately thought Ghostdude isn’t getting any from the confident American women so he needs to go overseas where he can find a more subservient partner.”
You’re amazingly WRONG I got laid 3 times this month already (3 different women).
Actually, had you known what you were talking about, you’d know that many latin women are NOT “subservient” and actually can be quite a handful, depending on the culture/origin.
I pursue a woman in order to have some one to love and treat very well, and I hope to receive the same in return.
Let me know when you all would like to get schooled some more. There are no such things as “mail order brides”, only introduction agencies in order to facilitate meeting ladies overseas.
PS: I posted my original comment on purpose because I knew the responses I’d get. They always are the same old tired ones. Never fails. Thanks for playing along!
Lovely Brown
June 15th, 2011
10:58 am
SexyCool
June 15th, 2011
10:43 am
“Don’t be psseewhupped. Whup. That. Pssee!”
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Black and White Smiley Faces ☺☻
June 15th, 2011
11:00 am
a lot of anti-foreign bride haters up in here.
it’s nobody’s business who you marry so instead of hating, be open minded.
PS: Obama sucks
Mo (aka Moeisha)
June 15th, 2011
11:00 am
Leggs – I LOVED the concert! Joe was awesome and B. McKnights sons can SANG! Now Im watching for J.Scott tickets.
SexyCool
June 15th, 2011
11:02 am
I got laid 3 times this month already (3 different women).
Three women in 15 days. Yeah…that’s something to be proud of.
Lovely Brown
June 15th, 2011
11:03 am
PR @ 10:57- Co- sign, great post!
Sassy Me...Black Butterfly :-)
June 15th, 2011
11:05 am
Touche’ Kimmie…sometimes the first thing that comes to mind is “she/he must not be not be happy at home” but that’s not always the case. Is monogamy that hard for some?
Dan - Simply....Superior
June 15th, 2011
11:06 am
Yeah, but no name,
Once she gets here there’s a process called acculturation; whereby the “fried and fast” foods that she didn’t have access to are plentiful, cheap, and easy. Whereas the fruits and veggies she grew up on are more expensive. Though, as stated, if she has it in her to keep it tight, she will.
More power to you in your search.
@SC
Auntie told you want grandma told me “that like is a muthasucka”