Should you confess?
We talked about how to spot deception and lies yesterday and I thought about lying by omission. Some people argue that failing to tell the full truth is not technically a lie. Well, I believe that when your intent is to purposely withhold information, you clearly are being dishonest.
When you are dating someone, it helps to figure out what kind of “moral compass” people are guided by. When you don’t share a similar outlook, you would probably disagree on how they handle the important things.
If you made some kind of mistake, do you confess your wrongdoing or could you quietly keep it to yourself?
A lot of guys I know say they would rather not know if they were cheated on or deceived. If it comes out, they will deal with it. If not, they are fine with being kept in the dark.
I like to make informed decisions so I would rather a confession. If I had to admit to something I did wrong, I would suck it up and take my chances with the truth. What do you think? Is confession truly good for the soul?
Have you ever confessed a romantic crime? Are you glad you did it?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures In Atlanta Dating Blog
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252 comments Add your comment
Anthony Weiner
June 14th, 2011
6:23 am
I always tell the truth.
John Edwards
June 14th, 2011
6:25 am
Like Anthony, I only tell the truth too.
Bill Clinton
June 14th, 2011
6:40 am
I did not have sex with that woman!
Bishop Eddie Longs Red Pantys
June 14th, 2011
7:36 am
I did’nt have sex with those boys
Greg S.
June 14th, 2011
7:58 am
Telling the truth works in the long run IF you can handle the consequences. You may find yourself wondering, even years later, why you ever said what you said. In the end, it’s hard to have “No Regrets.”
the watchdog
June 14th, 2011
7:58 am
That is a great question. I really like it. The Truth Shall set you free.Always be honest, particularly about romantic indiscressions.I see a boy girl relationship as the time for complte intimacy which can only be achieved by complete honesty, including other romantic laisons. All of the above being said, if the boy or girl is a little off fo center, or their elevator does not go all the way to the top, forget it.
Hmmm
June 14th, 2011
7:59 am
Speaking from experience, I can honestly say that I’m “torn” between knowing and being kept in the dark. Stating that guys will simply “deal with it” if/when told is probably accurate depending on the manner in which the issue is dealt. My spouse cheated on me and later confessed. I have forgiven her for this but the “dealing” with it, simply put, hasn’t been enjoyable for either of us. I honestly would never have known sans her confession so being “kept in the dark” would have been far easier on me. I do, however, appreciate the fact that she cares enough to ultimately be honest. Oh, and since I’ve had this happen to me, there is simply no way I could ever do the same to her. Other than allowing it to cause a break-up, about all you can do is “Face It, Forgive It, & Forget It” – but much easier said than done.
MC Hammock
June 14th, 2011
8:21 am
Before I began dating you, what you did before we met is in the past, unless you were a child molester, drug dealer, rapist or spent a lot of time in prison for something. Lord knows, I have done a few things in my past that I wouldn’t want to surface, but it’s nothing to that extreme.
sj
June 14th, 2011
8:29 am
If you are talking about sexual indiscretions; ‘It only counts if you get caught’, so why would anyone turn themselves in? To take it one step further, if caught, deny…..unless you are looking for an excuse to destroy the relationship…. It’s a misconception that an intimate human relationship is like a wrist watch that can be reworked and retooled by taking it apart, fixing it and starting over. Once you take a relationship apart, it is never the same, no matter what the ‘experts’ say. …but it’s job security for the experts, right?
tiger woods
June 14th, 2011
8:32 am
You mean what I did was wrong?
Dan - Simply....Superior
June 14th, 2011
8:34 am
I want to know
I want to know “what you did”, the motivations (if you knew/know), how those actions affected you. What, if anything, you learned from those action(s) and if you feel that you are likely to repeat them – whatever the action(s).
Again, if I don’t want to know you, I don’t care about any of that. I’ll listen intensely and figure out how that gets me what I want from you.
But if I do want to know you, then I want to know what makes you you.
As for regrets, I did things, I own them right or wrong; they are part of who I am today.
damon evans
June 14th, 2011
8:35 am
red panties?….. what red panties? Oh, those red panties…I thought they were yours, honey. …You don’t wear thongs?….I don’t know how they got there….
Lovely Brown
June 14th, 2011
8:43 am
Good Morning All!
@ Hmmm- Your post really touched a nerve with me…..stay strong
Amia
June 14th, 2011
8:58 am
@ Dan – Perfectly stated.
Chink
June 14th, 2011
9:06 am
I would confess…people who don’t are just plain selfish. And whether you believe it or not even if you don’t tell them it affects the relationship.
SlimNumeroUno
June 14th, 2011
9:27 am
Happy 2’s Day
This is sort of funny to me because The Beau often states that he has to think about how he needs to word a question in order to get the right answer from me. Sometimes, I don’t necessarily think an omission is lying unless you are purposely trying to omit a detail or two. However, it is important that the question you ask is worded in a way to give you the answer you’re looking for. (yeah, yeah I already know this is a bunch of bs because I know we often expect a person to volunteer certain details regardless of what we ask)
For instance:
Girlfriend: So did you and your best friend Jack end up going to watch the game at JR Crickets last night?
Boyfriend: Nope. So babe, whatcha thinking about eating for dinner tonight?
(GF sitting waiting on further details but dude doesn’t offer anymore info and changes the subject)
#2
Girlfriend: So did you and your best friend Jack end up going to watch the game at JR Crickets last night?
Boyfriend: Nope
GF: Oh ok. What did you end up getting into since I know you and Jack had been trying to hangout all week?
BF: Well Jack ended up running into some old puddy so I took a raincheck. I went on up to the Ultimate for a few dranks, ended up chatting with this fyne redbone and I let her do me in the parking lot. I saw that you called but I didn’t wanna mess up the flow. I thought about you though. But enough about that…whatcha got a taste for tonight, i’m starving.
i kid lol
Celisea
June 14th, 2011
9:49 am
Morning,
I wouldn’t cheat….at least I don’t think I would. If I did though, honestly, I’d ask God for forgiveness, believe I’m forgiven, forsake that path again and move on. I owe no man an explanation. I’m accountable to God for my actions. That’s just me though. You aren’t “caught” the first time because it’s an oppotunity to stop…not go and do a tell all…lol To see if you possess decency and chracter. Allowing an opportunity to make a turn in the right direction.
That’s just me though and what I think
Celisea
June 14th, 2011
9:50 am
My comments are not limited to “cheating” per se. Anything dishonest and hurtful is what I should have said.
Sassy Me...Black Butterfly :-)
June 14th, 2011
10:01 am
Have you ever confessed a romantic crime?
No….that’s my final answer and I’m sticking with it
Seriously though, no I haven’t but I wouldn’t want to get hurt so I’m not going to purposefully hurt someone I’m seeing by lying..be it by omission or otherwise.
SlimNumeroUno
June 14th, 2011
10:08 am
For Real – Happy Nakked Birthday to youuuuuuuuuuuuuu! Ack Ack Eck Eck!
PrincessNik
June 14th, 2011
10:10 am
Good Morning!
This is a tough one. I’ve told the “new guy” about things I did in the past, but never really confessed to the person I did them to. If asked about them I would come clean though.
kimmie
June 14th, 2011
10:11 am
Morning All!
I think it depends on the person, the situation, the motivation, a lot of factors. The older I get and the more I study people and their behaviors, the more I realize there is no blanket way to deal with every situation.
If you did step out on the relationship or did anything hurtful, and your loved one did not find out, what is your motivation for confessing? Are you trying to clear your own conscious. Are you hoping the person will break up with you? Will the confession cause the other person pain at a time when they are already dealing with hardships?
I don’t condone lying or dishonesty, but I’m realistic too. Sometimes things are just not cut and dried. Sometimes the best “punishment” for someone is their having to live with what they did and have their conscious eat away at them inside. They don’t deserve to get it off their chest and be forgiven. Might sound mean, but that’s my human reaction. You can lie to others but you can’t lie to yourself.
SexyCool
June 14th, 2011
10:22 am
Co-signing kimmie.
Oh…and…where are Rock and Red?
Super8
June 14th, 2011
10:55 am
@kimmie, is that not deceit?and wouldn’t that be a lame excuse when the lie did come to the forefront. Oh, babe I didn’t tell you earlier cuz um I was punishing myself. Its really been eating me up inside.
Roberta
June 14th, 2011
11:02 am
I can’t think of any situation in life where not telling the truth is a good thing.
Exiled!
June 14th, 2011
11:07 am
I co-sign the ‘abc’mantra on women, on this here topic!
Good morning…..
say something abc!
kimmie
June 14th, 2011
11:08 am
Super8 – Call it what you want. I didn’t say it was right or just.
Celisea
June 14th, 2011
11:11 am
I can’t think of any situation in life where not telling the truth is a good thing.
Well, I for one didn’t say don’t tell the truth…I say tell it to the one that really matters
SlimNumeroUno
June 14th, 2011
11:24 am
creep, creep, creep, goes the blog….sigh
kimmie
June 14th, 2011
11:28 am
I recognize my human frailties. I punish myself before anyone gets a chance to. I have to be able to live with myself and sleep at night. So while I am not perfect by any means, my conscious is really my guide in life and keeps me out of alot of mess. If it’s something I know I will have a hard time being honest with the ones I love about it and will keep me up at night, I think long and hard about doing it.
Exiled!
June 14th, 2011
11:29 am
Depends on the meaning of confess….
Confessions are to God not man!
Purple Rain "Celisea's Boy Toy"
June 14th, 2011
11:31 am
I am more of the get out of the situation before you do something that you would have to confess to. Once it’s put out there you can never bring it back or change things. If I cheated on my wife would I tell? No I wouldn’t. I would really be hard on myself though because I would not be holding up my end of the deal by being unfaithful etc. I don’t know if I would be able to get over it either then I would probably do something to sabotage the realtionship because I knew she deserves better. I would seriously hate to do someting to make my union unclean.
blue-eyed-blonde
June 14th, 2011
11:33 am
This is a tough question for me. I always said I’d want to know if my s/o had cheated…but if it was over and done I don’t know how it would benefit me to know…however, does once a cheater mean always a cheater???
.
Ditto the question: Where are Red and Raqi….I know Raqi is really busy with the baby. Does anyone how they are?
abc
June 14th, 2011
11:34 am
I’m apparently unable to post. I’ve nothing new to add, anyway.
blue-eyed-blonde
June 14th, 2011
11:35 am
Oh sorry…good morning blog friends.
SlimNumeroUno
June 14th, 2011
11:37 am
I would seriously hate to do someting to make my union unclean.
I would feel the same way
kimmie
June 14th, 2011
11:40 am
Purple – I can identify with you. That’s a real, human response.
Purple Rain "Celisea's Boy Toy"
June 14th, 2011
11:41 am
kimmie, 11:28 I agree. I guess I was dual minded in my youth. But in relationships I have always done my best to be honorable, but then again I have only had I think 3 real girlfriends in my life. The four others were just women I dealt with.
SexyCool
June 14th, 2011
11:44 am
Purp – THAT —>>> “I would seriously hate to do someting to make my union unclean.”<<<— is a powerful statement.
abc
June 14th, 2011
11:46 am
It’s a lesson I tried my best to impress upon my children: if it’s something you’d have to keep a secret, then don’t do it. If it’s something you’d have to lie to anyone about, don’t do it. Pretty simple.
Temptation is only temptation. It doesn’t compel a person to do anything. Just temptation. Not that hard to resist, especially if the temptation amounts to betrayal of the your spouse or SO.
Purple Rain "Celisea's Boy Toy"
June 14th, 2011
11:50 am
abc, that’s an excellent statement
kimmie
June 14th, 2011
11:50 am
if it’s something you’d have to keep a secret, then don’t do it. If it’s something you’d have to lie to anyone about, don’t do it.
That has always worked for me.
Lovely Brown
June 14th, 2011
11:54 am
If he knew the things I did
Whew, he couldn’t handle it- TLC, Creep
kimmie
June 14th, 2011
11:56 am
Purple – For me to sit here and say I will confess everything and tell if I got into something and expect everyone to do the same is not realistic. How about using my head before the ish can go down? Keep myself out of situations where something could happen or even be perceived as happening! Don’t be stupid and show my love that way. Instead of crying later and putting my spouse thru H. He doesn’t deserve that. That’s not love.
Purple Rain "Celisea's Boy Toy"
June 14th, 2011
12:14 pm
kimmie, I agree. I know I am not perfect. I just try my best to keep a clean conscious. It’s kind of cool just knowing that you are “acting right” and doing your best. Well to me it is.
Lovely Brown, things you did while with him or before him. What have you done?
TenderRoni
June 14th, 2011
12:14 pm
Afternoon,
I would want to know so I can make an informed decision whether I can honestly be with that person or not.
I’m sure I confess if I got into some mess. I cant keep nothing on the inside. I would feel guilty on the inside. I would be of the mind frame I owe it to this person to tell the truth.
And from my experience timing can make the difference in a confession, sigh!
Dan - Simply....Superior
June 14th, 2011
12:16 pm
@abc
While temptation is just that, we are human and given to indulging from time to time. Is it right? Nope. But, accepting responsibility for bad choices*, learning from them, and moving on is, IMO, a significant part of growing up.
Leastways, that’s the way I was raised.
*I was going to type acknowledging a mistake, but choices aren’t mistakes.
BlackMagicWoman-NYC
June 14th, 2011
12:21 pm
I personally believe in confessing before somebody rats you out. It makes the punishment a bit easier. Hey if Anthony Weiner would have confessed instead of lying and saying he was hacked he would not have all this much heat on him!
Granted, I am a need to know person. I will tell you what you need to know about me. For example, if a guy and I tend to be intimate, we both NEED to know each other’s STD status’!
I also wish men would show their a$$hole-ishness right up front. Dont make me fall for your representative and then bring your true raggedy-ness out later! Let’s not waste my valuable time!
Dan - Simply....Superior
June 14th, 2011
12:24 pm
@Kimmie
Haven’t been back, but belated and heartfelt congrats!
Casual Observer
June 14th, 2011
12:36 pm
Since we have a blog full of good and upstanding people…..
I have been on both side of the cheating coin and When it was me that was cheating, I denied it til the bitter end….even when it was plain as day, I still denied, denied , denied…. And because I am all about keeping your mouth closed, when It was my girl that cheated on me ( it was with one of my boys) I still kept HER business out of the street.