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Relationship check: Are you being manipulated?

If you’ve ever dated someone who thrives on drama, you know what an “emotional terrorist” is.  It is when you are in a relationship with someone who drains your energy (not in the fun way) and uses emotional warfare on you to get what they want.

I know it sounds outrageous – but hyperbole aside, dating someone who is manipulating can become a hostage situation of sorts. It’s even worse when you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Of course, in hindsight you realize how bad it was in those moments of clarity. Lesson learned, right?

How do you know when you are being manipulated in a relationship? When you are caught up in the sex, emotions, breakups and makeups, is it impossible to see the signs?

Have you ever been in a similar relationship? How did you handle it?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

356 comments Add your comment

Simple Man.....

June 9th, 2011
8:15 am

Walking in early, turning on the lights….I need a muffin!!

“Emotional Terrorist”, Huh???? It pays to consistantly evaluate the state of your relationships to insure you are not involved with Osama bin Girlfriend!!!

K-Man

June 9th, 2011
8:39 am

Women are genetically wired to manipulate! Everything from make-up and high heels to the boobjob and lipo is meant to deceive. Generally speaking the woman who is the most physically self-indulgent is also the biggest WACKJOB! The upside is that they are also, generally speaking, the best in bed…At least on a temporary basis!!!

Bill Clinton

June 9th, 2011
8:53 am

Without manipulation, I would be a single man. I made the mistake of marrying Hillary. I have regretted it everyday since then……

Anthony Weiner

June 9th, 2011
9:01 am

I am constantly being manipulated by women; yet, I press on to serve the people in my district.

The press is also trying to manipulate me. I will not resign.

Amia

June 9th, 2011
9:02 am

Enter your comments here

Big Un

June 9th, 2011
9:12 am

It depends. If she is manipulating me from missionary to doggies style, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, the spoon or into the swing….I’m all good with that kind of manipulation.

Simple Man.....

June 9th, 2011
9:17 am

Wow…Out of the loop for a minute and we have really bottomed out….

Al B

June 9th, 2011
9:19 am

Both genders manipulate and some is intentional, other times it isn’t. Every single one of us rationalize our manipulation and think “It isn’t that bad”. Simply put, it’s just a part of everyday life. Just deal with it and move on. If your mentally strong, you can resist bad manipulation. Only the mentally and emotionally weak play the victim card. If you don’t want to be manipulated…then don’t be.

Tiger Wood's Mistress

June 9th, 2011
9:22 am

I’m open for manipulation.

Fion

June 9th, 2011
9:22 am

I’m going to take the opposing view of this topic this morning. “Emotional terrorist” they are doing what they do.That’s their thing.They are relationship terrorist. Skilled at hijacking relationships and controlling them. People that play this game, it’s all about control.
Emotional ploys are simply the vehicles of delivery, but the objective is control.
The real question is why were you there. Were you an enabler,submissive,or were you abdicating responsibility for the relationship as well as yourself.
We all recognize certain things about our behavior that we view, unhealthy (emotionally), unproductive and just downright not good.
We make the needed adjustments, revamp, revise and move forward better and wiser.
Now, if you haven’t, you have to ask yourself what is about me that allows me to be in this space and what is it that I need from this person.
Yeah, the “Emotional terrorist” are out there. Always have been always will be.
The question is not about them, but you. Take emotional inventory of yourself, are you Fit, Fortified and Ready (emotionally) or just another victim waiting to be played.

Jay Bookman

June 9th, 2011
9:23 am

I’m open for anything.
I have not had a date in 8 years.
As soon as I move out of my parent’s basement, I’m looking for a woman.

Wifey

June 9th, 2011
9:27 am

Does everything you people discuss have to do with sex or sexual enuendo?

Good, cause everything else bores me within a few minutes……

tenn titan

June 9th, 2011
9:33 am

Why manipulate someone because when things end between the two of you all you have left is yourself.

DreamsMaterialize

June 9th, 2011
9:33 am

Morning
I’ve been involved with someone like that. I got out and cut ties. I don’t have time for that shullbit. I’m always trying to advance, and if you’re not, then I’ll be advancing without you.

Leggs

June 9th, 2011
9:37 am

Good morning!

@Wifey ~ if it doesn’t start out talking about sex, it will probably end up talking about sex.

@Weiner dude ~ you are probably the only one caught in a sex escapade and didn’t have any SEX! You’re in all this trouble and didn’t have any SEX! :lol: :lol:

I try not to manipulate, but I think we all are wired to do exactly that when needed.

Roberta

June 9th, 2011
9:39 am

Being manipulated? Welcome to life. People who try to manipulate others lack self-esteem and try to make up for it with their controlling behavior. Most likely they started off by bullying others in grade school.

Most behaviors are learned at a very early age and extremely difficult to change one an individual becomes an adult.

TenderRoni

June 9th, 2011
9:44 am

I like that term “emotional terrorist” and the definition. That defeinitely was my ex.
And I agree hindsight is a bitch!
And, yes it is hard to see the signs when you are caught up in the emotions,sex, and breakups and makeups. I also think you go through it for a reason, and that is to learn something about yourself.

@Fion I like your 9:22 post

Into the Light

June 9th, 2011
9:47 am

Good morning, all!

Yes, I have been in a relationship with an “emotional terrorist”. I made all kinds of excuses for his bad behavior, but the bottom line was this: he didn’t love me, he wanted to control me. When he could not control me to his satisfaction, he left me (for someone else). Looking back over those rocky times, I see clearly now what I could not see then. The “silver lining” is that this experience clarified my vision for the kind of relationship I DO want and strengthened my resolve that I can not and will not settle for less.

Tom

June 9th, 2011
9:54 am

Everyone I ever dated seemed to thrive on drama.

Then again, they were all women.

Gbaby

June 9th, 2011
10:01 am

I, too, like the term emotional terrorist. I had a young lady that fits that description. We were engaged and living together, and it was so much drama from her, I was making excuses not to go to my own house. My blood pressure went up so high, that after I finally got out of the relationship, I said, to heck with relationships, I just need a friend. Now I see what they mean when they say: women, you can’t live with them and you can’t live without them. I just want quick visit now, and afterwards, go home.

Tom

June 9th, 2011
10:02 am

Hear Kroy Biermann is doing radio ads about how happy he is that he got Lasik.

If only he’d gotten it sooner. Damn.

Exiled!

June 9th, 2011
10:05 am

Good morning!

I like it when people come str8 outa the gate denying what they do most times without thinking!

If u are in a long term relationship and have seen the ups and downs of it,trust me there is some level of manipulation that goes on. The question is,what level is acceptable to you.

Wifey? Have u ever had make up sex with your man..u know how sweet it was right? Now,why was it so hunky dory after that as if u two hadn’t argued before?
Check,manipulation!!

The thing is,in relationships somebody between the two of u has some upper hand in some form or some capacity. Otherwise why wld they be attractive to you? And why are u attracted to them? You tell me your brain is not influenced some way to ignore some things because there is something about them u like?
You may not admit to being manipulated but surely,your brain is manipulate in some form or fashion.
And some times you let things slide because in your brain and reasoning,those things aren’t as important.

abc

June 9th, 2011
10:10 am

“Emotional Terrorist”, hm, that’s a catchy one. Thing is, I’ve been on the receiving end of something like that. I just plain walked away, no further contact. To me, it was yet another illustration and definition of “psycho beeyotch”.

Sassy Me...Naughty Girl :-)

June 9th, 2011
10:12 am

Mornting Errbody!!

Thankfully I’ve never been held hostage in any relationships by emotional terrorists….all that drama is sooo not a good look and who really wants to deal with that isht? Adults should act the part and leave the games to the chilren.

Randyt (Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

June 9th, 2011
10:12 am

It isn’t easy to point that finger at oneself, however here goes… I was in a divorce group after my marriage crumbled. During the open discussions, when I was expounding on how cold and insensitive my ex had been, I discovered, to my dismay, that I had probably actually been guilty of manipulation through “passive aggressive” techniques. I often, if not constantly, had tried to control and manipulate her while on the surface “giving in”. I have a difficult time explaining that concept, but I realized I had been guilty.

The marriage would have still sucked, but I can only change me…and that means taking the kid gloves off and actually looking in the mirror once in awhile…not fun but extremely productive if one wants future results to be different from past ones.

Sassy Me...Naughty Girl :-)

June 9th, 2011
10:14 am

Randy your post says alot. It must not’ve been easy to look inside and own up to how you may’ve contributed to the demise of your marriage…that takes strength n growth. Good for you.

Celisea

June 9th, 2011
10:16 am

Morning,

On the road to TN for a client meeting and luncheon. Ballplayer and others accompanying. Just finished eating breakfaat and got my IPod plugged.

First thing first where is the troll repellant? Seriously…

Next, years ago was manipulated. Like someone said so nothing to do with love but all about control. Folks use many devices to keep you locked for their purpose. Breaking free is liberating and enlightening.

Exiled!

June 9th, 2011
10:17 am

Would u not use the power u have to influence things if u are in a relationship?

U chics are notorious for denying us guys sex especially if u want something from us? If u are married and true to ur vows wldnt it make sense to give it up coz it’s ur duty and obligation as a wife then let us deal with ur issue later? :lol:

Now u laughing!
See what I mean? Uall manipulate in some way or fashion but uall now taking some High road!

GTFOH!

Sassy Me...Naughty Girl

June 9th, 2011
10:20 am

STFU already….

SexyCool

June 9th, 2011
10:29 am

IMO – the silent treatment is a form of “emotional terrorism” or manipulation. To me, withholding your conversation, your presence, refraining from our day to day interaction, is no different from withholding sex.

So, yeah…I’ve experienced that. But at the same time, I realize that there are times when a person needs to back away from an issue, calm down and take time to determine an appropriate response.

All I ask is that we achieve a balance in that.

UGA1999

June 9th, 2011
10:31 am

Happened once and will never happen again.

Leggs

June 9th, 2011
10:37 am

Good point, SexyC. I find it very childish to withhold conversation. To sit there and ignore me and not respond is crazy. If you have to be curt, be curt but don’t act like I’m not in the room with you. Through trials and tribulations, grownups speak! Children act like you’re invisible!

Lovely Brown

June 9th, 2011
10:38 am

Good Morning All! :-)

Everyone has been manipulated or has manipulated someone. Like sombody said, it is up to you how much bullsiht you are willing to accept. As I get older my bullsiht tolerance gets lower and lower….even being married.

Cheri

June 9th, 2011
10:44 am

I know all about the emotional terrorist! My ex-boyfriend used all types of tactics to get whatever he wanted. If he didn’t want me to go out, he would disconnect the garage door and hide my keys. When we were breaking up, he would get a handful of pills and try to take them, threaten to shoot himself, etc. Other times he would try to capitalize on ANY tragedy that occured within the family to force me to not go out with friends.Or try to make me feel guilty. On the flip side, wasn’t willing to compromise on anything- totally NOT into anything that wasn’t what he wanted. WHEW!! Thank God I’m not in that relationship anymore!!

SexyCool

June 9th, 2011
10:47 am

“he would disconnect the garage door and hide my keys” – Girl, that is imprisonment.

Leggs

June 9th, 2011
10:49 am

“…disconnect the garage door and hide my keys” – goodness gracious!

Leggs

June 9th, 2011
10:50 am

Did he try to tell you what to eat and what to wear? WOW, that is controlling!

Purple Rain

June 9th, 2011
10:53 am

Cheri, facepalm!

Leggs

June 9th, 2011
10:53 am

Randyt (Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

June 9th, 2011
10:54 am

@ Cheri

Reading your post reminds me once again why I will NEVER live with someone unless married. What a story. Until and unless I care enough for someone to actually marry them, I will keep my keys and my house and my stuff MINE. Got kicked out of my own house when married…dayum sure not going there again.

Leggs

June 9th, 2011
10:54 am

My 10:53 makes no sense if not in right order (since I typed it at 10:58)!

Sassy Me...Naughty Girl

June 9th, 2011
10:54 am

Cheri I was like :shock: reading your post but thank heavens you’re out of that…I’m sure he would’ve only upped the anty and started doing even more crazy isht to control you…

As I get older my bullsiht tolerance gets lower and lower….

My sentiments exactly…who has time for bullisht?

Sassy Me...Naughty Girl

June 9th, 2011
10:59 am

When we were breaking up, he would get a handful of pills and try to take them, threaten to shoot himself, etc.

That’s some real moist behavior right there…straight puddy..

Simple Man.....

June 9th, 2011
10:59 am

LOL…My sister in law tried the “I am gonna take these pills and kill myself” game on my brother..She was surprised as hell when he said. I don’t believe you…do it…

UGA1999

June 9th, 2011
10:59 am

Why date at all…….just games and manipulation.

Cheri

June 9th, 2011
11:01 am

@ SexyCool & Leggs- exactly!!! That’s when I saw the true level of psychosis. Needless to say, I had to eeeeeeaaaaassse my way outta that relationship. You know- some folks u can argue with or have an intelligent discussion, *smh* That thang there- I had to get him out of the house and get a restraining order.

Leggs

June 9th, 2011
11:02 am

Thank goodness I have never been involved with anyone who threatened suicide if we broke up. But, if I had, I couldn’t let that be the thing that kept us together. If you want to take your life, that’s on you. I won’t stay in a bad relationship in the hopes of saving YOU. I have to save myself first.

Leggs

June 9th, 2011
11:02 am

@Cheri ~ no doubt a relationship like that the only to get out is to ease your way out. I thorougly understand.

Sassy Me...Naughty Girl

June 9th, 2011
11:05 am

I won’t stay in a bad relationship in the hopes of saving YOU. I have to save myself first.

needed repeating….I wish alot of other people(men AND women) thought/felt that way Leggs.

Purple Rain

June 9th, 2011
11:05 am

Cheri, how do you let someone make you stay in the house? Even if it “tried” to happen once why didn you not end it then? I mean what was weak about you to allow that crap to happen to you?