Dating: Red flags ahead?
The really funny thing about dating is that everyone seems so normal when you meet them. Then you get to know them and discover the things that make them unique and quirky…or a liiitttle crazy, deranged, or weird.
Mr. M is back today and he always asks the great questions. Check out what he has to say about what happens when things get dicey:
When we begin dating someone new, there are two sides to the story. There is the good, which entails the bliss, excitement for the possibilities, and the refreshing feeling that this may be the right dating situation we were looking for…then there is the BAD…the lingering feeling that we are getting to know this person but we don’t know them that well and we don’t know what we are getting into.
The question is when you are dating someone new and you see something questionable such as a racy text, or text picture from an ex, or someone in or around their life that you are curious, do you say something about it even though you two are not exclusive?
The truth is though you two are not exclusive, there is a ground level of respect that both parties should expect. Should we just not operate under that code and otherwise go with separate but equal? The issue will be eventually that someone will be able to dish it (getting all the miscellaneous attention, text, etc) but not take it (when the tables turn and the other party is getting all the attention, text, etc).
Should we just expect nothing from someone we are not exclusive with?
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239 comments Add your comment
SlimNumeroUno
June 8th, 2011
7:56 am
Good morning,
I experienced something along these lines during the course of my current situation with his ex frequently blowing up the phone. If she couldn’t reach him on his cell, she’d then call the house. The only way I knew that was because his house caller id would pop up on the tv. I took mental note of it because of course we were not exclusive even though we had begun spending a significant amount of time together. As more time passed I eventually brought it up in a converstation we were having and he basically laid it out for me that nothing was going on with her, he advised her to move on and let her know he was with someone else. He said he could not control her calling him but that it bothered him that it bothered me. (that was a good sign in my eyes) However, initially even with his light on the situation, I still kept that logged into my mental roledex but his actions and the time we were together eased those doubts and the icing was put on the cake when he talked to her in front of me and basically told her what he had told me. And I appreciated his candor.
However, as far as expecting things when you aren’t exclusive, I think no matter what we should all at least expect mutual respect.
(Will check back in later)
Don Giovanni
June 8th, 2011
8:49 am
The problem with any couple is that one person usually pins all their hopes and dreams on the play-by-play of each and every date, phone call and interraction. The separation starts almost immediately. One person, amused or flattered then enables the other to turn into a controlling weasle.
And yes, it’s usually the chick. I can solve all relationship problems with one acronym aimed at most couples: S.T.F.U. Just sit there and groove. Don’t say anything. Smile. Play air guitar. Go get a sandwich. But mostly, stfu.
Then everything will be perfect and you’ll finally be in a successful and mutually fulfilling relationship how I hate that word.
Al
June 8th, 2011
9:09 am
We men can be tricky. If a lady from the past won’t go away beware. We know how to get rid of the unwanted. If we haven’t done it it’s because we aren’t in a rush to do so.
Lovely Brown
June 8th, 2011
9:53 am
Good Morning All!
Al and Leggs y’all are on it!
Gotta get some work done, be back later.
Leggs
June 8th, 2011
9:54 am
Good morning!
Exactly, Al…that’s how I see it too.
Even if you aren’t exclusive, a level of respect should be front and center. After spending time together, I see nothing wrong with asking about something that’s questionable in my eyes and is repetitive.
SexyCool
June 8th, 2011
9:58 am
When you are dating someone new, you should have a “vetting process” or a qualifying period. (As we have said so many times before.)
And as I have posted again and again, my belief is that you should have a probationary period to guard your emotions.
Into the Light
June 8th, 2011
9:58 am
I’m with Don G. – the separation is there almost immediately. Party A will be more “in to” Party B or vice versa, pretty much from thet get.
So, “do you say something about it even though you two are not exclusive?” Depends. If I’m really into him, I’d probably casually ask. It’s important to me to establish open, honest communication early in a relationship. If I’m not, I probably wouldn’t question it, because I don’t see it making a difference in the long run (i.e. He’s Mr. Right Now, not Mr. Right).
DreamsMaterialize
June 8th, 2011
10:10 am
Morning
I’m within bounds to ask about anything that reveals itself in front of me. If your ex calls while you’re spending time with me, I won’t feel uneasy asking about it. You have to be proactive or you might find yourself inactive.
Leggs
June 8th, 2011
10:30 am
“How do you all handle someone who is doing other things but still want to use you!?”
Simple, you drop them! If you don’t, then you’re the wuss!
M. (pronouced M dot)
June 8th, 2011
10:33 am
Good day everyone.
I am glad everyone is chiming in on the topic. My biggest problem with the red flags ahead is if I find a woman I am dating is dealing with other guys, why is it that when you have problems or need something that you are coming to me rather than the other guys?
If something happens with your car, call James lol! If you need your laptop dropped off or a lightbulb changed, call Anthony!
How do you all handle someone who is doing other things but still want to use you!?
Leggs
June 8th, 2011
10:36 am
Here we go again!!!
SexyCool
June 8th, 2011
10:44 am
So…MDot – when do you get an opportunity to show and prove that you are more than just O’Good Time Charlie? How do you set yourself apart from James and Anthony if she can’t call on you for anything more than dinner and dck?
TenderRoni
June 8th, 2011
10:45 am
Mornings,
okay I know my brain not function that great today, but isn’t this simimliar to yesterday’s topic?
Ok, dating, not exclusive yet, um yeah I would ask questions. I’m still getting to know what this person is about, to determine if an exclusive relationship is possible.
TenderRoni
June 8th, 2011
10:53 am
Oh, and would you not find out what the persons intentions are, whether we are going to date and get to know each other and see other people, or take is slow. If you agree to that, then there really are no red flags.
Purple Rain
June 8th, 2011
10:53 am
Facepalm at today’s topic.
Celisea
June 8th, 2011
10:57 am
Facepalm at today’s topic.
Yep….even though I give kudos for trying to daily creatively come up with topics…that can’t be easy
M. (pronouced M dot)
June 8th, 2011
11:03 am
@SC
I definately try to set myself apart by doing different things with them. If I we are always doing the same things, they will always expect the same things from you.
How do you set yourself apart SC?
Purple Rain
June 8th, 2011
11:09 am
Celisea, not chirping on the creator of today;s topic at all. But if today’s topic helped anyone in anyway…they need not be dating at all at the moment.
Celisea
June 8th, 2011
11:13 am
I have no problem with being nice but if one guys just gets all the benefits but somebody else has to do the heavy lifting, thats somewhat of a problem I think…
Then you DO have a problem. Being nice requires nothing in return. Why else are you disappointed that you didn’t get what all the guys are getting for screwing her lighbulb?
SexyCool
June 8th, 2011
11:14 am
So…a person dating you should expect to be introduced to all sorts of wonderful experience, but can’t ask you to help them with everyday life sht? All that wonderful fun ain’t gone mean a doggone thing when my truck won’t start and I can’t get to work on time.
I set myself apart by being consistent and open, honest and forthcoming, dependable and down to earth. Available to help someone that I am developing an interest in and who is proving themselves to be more than just flashiness and fun and who has a real interest in getting to know me and who is developing some concern for my well-being.
Besides, sometimes, it’s nice just to be damn nice.
M. (pronouced M dot)
June 8th, 2011
11:14 am
@Purple Rain
You can email Wise your topic ideas also.
abc
June 8th, 2011
11:14 am
If you have no expectations, you’re certain to not be disappointed. But, if you have no expectations, why are you bothering with that person? Everyone has expectations of others; if they don’t, they should. Those expectations should be realistic. Sanity is preferred.
This is a topic for middle school kids, isn’t it? I mean, all grown up and all, certainly folks aren’t in a quandary about stuff like this. Are they?
Exiled!
June 8th, 2011
11:15 am
There is a ‘closer’ role in baseball…there is that too in dating.
You can tell how good a closer u are depending on how quickly u close the deal. If a babes u are pursuing keeps on floating but she’s asking you for a favor here and a favor there,u are slowly moving into donor territory. And worse, u ain’t split those yams!
You set urself apart with a chick by telling her ‘No’ she will understand u the man. If she’s into u,she will be with u and ask for favors from u coz u the one she knows and has.
So it’s on u to be either the man or the other option.
SexyCool
June 8th, 2011
11:16 am
Apparently, some folk are.
M. (pronouced M dot)
June 8th, 2011
11:16 am
@SC
I understand that, but what I am saying is if you are dealing with 3 guys, and your truck wont start, why do I have to put on my cape and swoop down to save you when you have 2 other options? I have no problem with being nice but if one guys just gets all the benefits but somebody else has to do the heavy lifting, thats somewhat of a problem I think…
Into the Light
June 8th, 2011
11:16 am
So, that said, Purp….suggest a new topic. It’s a little slow in here today, but I think you’re just the man to liven it up.
Into the Light
June 8th, 2011
11:17 am
@ M dot – “why do I have to put on my cape and swoop down to save you when you have 2 other options?” You do realize you can say no when you get those AAA calls, right??
M. (pronouced M dot)
June 8th, 2011
11:18 am
@abc
You can email Wise your topic ideas also.
M. (pronouced M dot)
June 8th, 2011
11:19 am
@Celisea
It does not matter if I am dating more than one person. What I am saying is if there is always a favor that she needs, she always needs something from you, then that is a problem. You arent dating, you are turning into a concierge for them!
Celisea
June 8th, 2011
11:19 am
This should not have posted way up yonder. I’m gonna paste it
I have no problem with being nice but if one guys just gets all the benefits but somebody else has to do the heavy lifting, thats somewhat of a problem I think…
Then you DO have a problem. Being nice requires nothing in return. Why else are you disappointed that you didn’t get what all the guys are getting for screwing her lighbulb?
SexyCool
June 8th, 2011
11:19 am
M.Dot – do you date more than one chick at a time?
Celisea
June 8th, 2011
11:20 am
My 11:19 was responding to MDot
Leggs
June 8th, 2011
11:20 am
“Why else are you disappointed that you didn’t get what all the guys are getting for screwing her lighbulb?”
@Celisea ~ think about it, that’s not the type of screwing he wanted. Sorry!
SexyCool
June 8th, 2011
11:25 am
M.Dot – Are you the one that sent Wise these topics these past two days?
Into the Light
June 8th, 2011
11:26 am
LOL @ Leggs!
Exiled!
June 8th, 2011
11:26 am
One guy gets the benefits and u doing the heavy lifting….?
M.?
so why are u pursuing the chic in the first place if u know that?
M. (pronouced M dot)
June 8th, 2011
11:26 am
@SC
Yes I sent her the topics and if you have some better topics, email her your ideas.
SexyCool
June 8th, 2011
11:31 am
Are these really issues that you are experiencing? Or…is this just conversation fodder?
Leggs
June 8th, 2011
11:32 am
What is the draw of Atlantic Station???
M. (pronouced M dot)
June 8th, 2011
11:33 am
@SC
These arent issues I am experiencing but usually from talking to guys I know here and comparing notes. Atlanta is really a small town where most people hang out in the same places so you are bound to run into someone you are dating at Atlantic Station with someone else possibly lol
Celisea
June 8th, 2011
11:33 am
Mdot – You arent dating, you are turning into a concierge for them!
Then you have a problem “just being nice.”
Leggs, yes I know…he ain’t feeling not feeling it.
SexyCool
June 8th, 2011
11:34 am
Well…if you keep running into folks at Atlantic Station, then you aren’t doing all these different things that you talked about earlier. And please…Atlantic Station?!? Blech….
Oh…and stop dating standard issue chicks and get less lame friends. Real men could give a fck less about what the next man is doing.
Leggs
June 8th, 2011
11:34 am
WOW, who doesn’t know SC is dating? M. are you suffering with a fever. I kid man, I kid!
M. (pronouced M dot)
June 8th, 2011
11:36 am
@Celisea @SC
Are you two married or dating?
Exiled!
June 8th, 2011
11:38 am
I have this visual of M,looking thru from outside the downstairs bedroom window,while mowing the loan…
M..
:-0. (one hand on the mower handle)
Chick and Other(O)guy inside…
M. (pronouced M dot)
June 8th, 2011
11:40 am
@Celisea
I think being nice is a smoke screen some women use lol When was the last time you were nice to a guy who you knew was dating a lot of women?
@SC
Whoa relax, how did you get on someone having lame friends?
@Leggs
I asked if they were married because maybe they cant relate to issues that single people deal with.
@Exiled!
Nice try to be funny, but try harder lol
Celisea
June 8th, 2011
11:40 am
Atlanta is really a small town where most people hang out in the same places so you are bound to run into someone you are dating at Atlantic Station with someone else possibly lol
Really? Well this tells a lot and why you post the way you do and the topics for that matter (not knocking you just saying). Atlantic Station? Seriously? Nothing but kids and gays hang there. You might want to up the ante a bit and totally remove yourself from the Shenanigans of Atlantic Station and any patrons or folks that frequent. TRUST ME, there are many many many places of women of different caliber you can hang with. They won’t have you doing menial tasks while some other dude is getting it.
And what does me dating/married have to do with you? You solicit advice, you get it
That’s a cop out though when men are offended on here. Let’s just say I’m doing it right and can advice you….how bout that.
Into the Light
June 8th, 2011
11:40 am
Ouch, Ex.
Celisea
June 8th, 2011
11:41 am
places AND women of…..is what I was saying
Celisea
June 8th, 2011
11:47 am
Mdot – How old are you? Imma start hanging a sign outside the door…you gotta be this tall and this old to post here…lol