Dating around? It’s complicated
What would you do if you were seeing someone new and you spotted them out on the town with somebody else? Although you two are nowhere near exclusive, you don’t really want to literally see them hitting it off with someone else, either.
Would you approach them and say hello? Would you go the other way and hope you weren’t spotted and subsequently deemed a date stalker?
I think our egos make us believe that when we meet someone we really like, they automatically like us back – in the same way. That is not always the case though!
Do you find that dating around and seeing multiple people gets complicated?
Would you lose interest if you happen to see your romantic interest out dating around?
Hat tip to Mr. M for this topic idea
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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261 comments Add your comment
Exiled!
June 7th, 2011
6:36 am
A woman will have ideas of exclusivity in her head if u just seeing her but u have smashed. Smashing makes her lose focus!
I bet many have been mentally married after a smash so so many times!
Just let it go lady,just let him be.
Good morning!
the watch dog
June 7th, 2011
7:07 am
That is a great question. I really like it. If I were to show too much interest when my honey is spotted with another dude, I would be saying I can’t find another chick. Soooooo what I would do is go about my business and if she comes back I would say. I haven’t seen you around lately how’s it goin?’ You have to be smart and sharp if you want to make it. I’ll be seeing my girl[personal trainer] today. Last Saturday night she was at a road house dancing with another girl and I think a guy to,, but that is her perogative. Jealousy is a counter productive emotion.
Bill Clinton
June 7th, 2011
7:18 am
This has happened to me many times…I’ve learn to cope with it.
My biggest concern is making sure Hillary is occupied. Usually, all she needs is food and she is good to go.
Mr Unknown
June 7th, 2011
7:58 am
Just depends what stage of dating your on… Besides you cant get mad if you never put a claim in. Thats where being assertive comes into play. Claim what you want or keep it moving… Good Morning
Heat Guy J
June 7th, 2011
8:28 am
Being upfront preempts these kinds of surprises, and certain kinds of jealousy keep her interested and you creative.
Black and White Smiley Faces ☺☻
June 7th, 2011
8:30 am
“Smashing” <– Please never say this again. Ugh!
missy
June 7th, 2011
8:37 am
I think women instinctively assume that if you’re spending time with them, that you shouldn’t be spending time with anyone else…and that simply is not the case. It’s called dating for a reason! If you’re not content with your potential partner also dating other people, let him know that you want to be exclusive! If he feels the same way, great – if not, then maybe it’s a good thing you find out sooner rather than later.
Varinia
June 7th, 2011
8:38 am
I guess, I have to say that I’ve never gotten into the American way of dating, i.e. playing the numbers game.
I grew up in Germany and all my dating life has been about meeting someone in some way, hitting it off and then we’re together until it’s not longer right. But the time we’re together it’s one-on-one.
I personally don’t care for the whole slow moving thing – dating lots of people and slowly weed out the ones that you don’t want, until you focus on one person. I like the intensity of being really close with someone. And I’m a loner. So, if I’m not in a relationship I’m perfectly happy to not date, as I’d rather spend time with myself than going on dates with people that I’m not that crazy about.
But that’s just me
SlimNumeroUno
June 7th, 2011
8:41 am
Good morning,
I think it depends on what level you two are on in the dating world. If this happened in the VERY beginning of the situation, there wouldn’t be really much of a leg to stand on as far as feeling some kind of way about it. I assume that whomever I meet is at least kicking it with one other person early on. It might throw me off to actually run into them out with someone else, may even make me lose a tiny bit of interest or it may take away a desire to want to put that much effort into it as I may had considered prior to seeing him out.
But to be honest, I would assume that it would be a bit awkward to run into an ex while out with your new beau.
Lovely Brown
June 7th, 2011
8:56 am
Good Morning All!
Exiled- While I may not agree with some of your terminology, I do agree with what you are saying.
And it goes both ways…..some men get mentally married too.
Amia
June 7th, 2011
9:05 am
I assume any guy that I meet has been dating. I am not naive to think he was totally single before I met him. With that said, I don’t want to see him with someone else. I am spoiled by attention so if I see him with someone else, I am probably done.
Leggs
June 7th, 2011
9:09 am
Good morning.
As others have said, it all depends on the level the relationship. If we’re new and nothing has been stated about exclusivity, then no, I wouldn’t be upset. Dating is just that, dating. I’m not going to think right out the gate that he met me, and now I’m the only one in his life. Until we talk along those lines and he shows me that I am his one and I show him the same, it’s a smorgasboard out there!
SlimNumeroUno
June 7th, 2011
9:10 am
Leggs – I’m nominating the word ‘SMORGASBOARD’ as the word of the morning!
Out of the shadows, into the light
June 7th, 2011
9:22 am
Unless we’ve had the “we’re exclusive” discussion, I assume that we’re both free to see other people.
Celisea
June 7th, 2011
9:28 am
Morning,
Real quick…since the execs are here and lunch is in order…
Maybe it’s me because what I’m thinking is slightly different than what most have said so far. If we hung out regularly but not exclusively, no intimacy then I wouldn’t be offended. I might feel a hint of jealousy rising in my nether regions but I wouldn’t step to it….at all. I’d carry on as normal. Now if we have unspoken exclusivity then I got a problem with that. If we’re doing everything a couple does and we just haven’t officially pinned each other (who does that anyway…will you be my girl? will you be my man?) but we both “understand” exactly where we are then I got a problem. More than like…knowing me…I’m done. Don’t want to hear it.
But that’s just me. Maybe I’ll get a chance to pop back in this afternoon…got meetings this morning.
Dan - Simply....Superior
June 7th, 2011
9:29 am
You should never assume, anything, especially exclusivity in a relationship until you’ve had that conversation; until then, act as if.
As for how I’d feel about it, even if I were feeling some kinda way, I’d speak peace if she saw me, if not, I’d continue on my merry way.
Getting touchy about what [who] ain’t yours is silly.
MC Hammock
June 7th, 2011
9:30 am
Morning, morning everyone. I had a hard time just “dating around” because there was always someone I liked more than anyone else. If I was out with the others, I would be thinking that I would rather be with that one. But hanging out and goofing around is different. I would RATHER not see the person I wanted to date out with someone else, but whatterya gonna do? That’s the way the ball bounces.
Dan - Simply....Superior
June 7th, 2011
9:32 am
@Cel
I actually asked that question.
Partly because I thought it was cute, and partly because I wanted her to have informed consent about what she was getting herself into.
Casual Observer
June 7th, 2011
9:33 am
Morning all….As it has been stated, Until the talk has been had, Everyone is considered a free agent…. Seems pretty simple to me
Of topic… Song of the day Soft and Easy by the Donald Byrd and the BlackByrds…They don’t make it like that anymore….
Leggs
June 7th, 2011
9:35 am
Leggs
June 7th, 2011
9:40 am
Hey, In to the light, good for you!!!
SlimNumeroUno
June 7th, 2011
9:40 am
Celisea – I often wonder that too when it comes to becoming exclusive. Do you turn to each other and say, Will you be my gf/bf, yes or no? lol
SlimNumeroUno
June 7th, 2011
9:41 am
Ok, how about this for a question….So how would you react if YOU were the one seen out with another chick/dude by someone else you have been seeing.
Would you think it to be appropriate to at least speak to them and try to flub some sort of introduction with the person you’re with because you KNOW they are going to be curious?
Would you do a mere wave looking all crazy due to the awkwardness?
Or would you try to get by unseen?
Then at a later time, do you wait to see if they’ll call you first or would you take it upon yourself to call them later just to put your toe in the water on what their thoughts were about the situation?
MC Hammock
June 7th, 2011
9:54 am
@slim, It’s a touchy situation…but it shouldn’t be. I’d probably plead ignorance (I didn’t see you) and just go from there. That’s why it’s risky to date someone that’s really close by or in the same apartment complex. The convenience is nice, but it sure causes problems if you break up or don’t want to be serious with that person.
SexyCool
June 7th, 2011
10:02 am
Told ya – reading Meelow with an accent makes his posts hilarious.
Eastside Sweetie
June 7th, 2011
10:02 am
Good Morning All,
Just to chime in I don’t think there’s a such thing as “unspoken exclusivity”. Either we’re exlcusive and have discussed it or we’re not. Now if we are doing things like we are exclusive and we’re not then that’s my fault for allowing relationship things to happen when we’re not in one. I have a gf in this situation right now and it’s obvious her man doesn’t want a relationship and always throws it in her face that the are not in a relationship.
Fion
June 7th, 2011
10:05 am
“Do you find that dating around and seeing multiple people gets complicated?”
I’ve said it before. If worried about what I’m doing with Susan, then you give me a reason not
to call her.
Leggs
June 7th, 2011
10:06 am
@Eastside Sweetie ~ your friend is crazy and a glutton for punishment and being disrespected. Tell me once we’re not in a relationship and I’ll take heed. You won’t have to tell me a second time. It’s funny how you say “her man doesn’t want a relationship.” Well then, he’s not her man. Point blank!
Eastside Sweetie
June 7th, 2011
10:11 am
@Leggs. I am with you on that. The sad part is he told her that from the beginning. But she still let him move in, cooks for him, washes his clothes, etc. She goes through his phone and confronts him with things she’s found in his phone. all I can do is SMH!!!
Out of the shadows, into the light
June 7th, 2011
10:11 am
Thanks, Leggs! I broke up with my boys B and J….they cried, but I stood firm.
To Slim’s question, I’d probably do the “duck and cover” and hope we could leave it at that, especially if I was more into my date than the other guy.
Leggs
June 7th, 2011
10:14 am
I’ll let that one slide right on by (lol).
@SlimNu ~ I think I’ll put my toe in the water to see what type of current I about to dip into.
SexyCool
June 7th, 2011
10:16 am
If buddy lied and said he was chilling at home or hanging out with his boys and then I happen upon him out on a date, then we have a problem. Granted, if I am also with a date, it’s less of a problem, but a lie nonetheless. (<–that is an ego driven statement.)
It is the lie that would be the issue, not the fact that he is out with someone else.
abc
June 7th, 2011
10:31 am
If I were seeing someone new, or relatively new, and I saw them out on a date with someone else, I wouldn’t call them on it, nor would I call them, period. It’s not about jealousy. It’s about not wanting to date someone that dates around. It ain’t my thing.
If they saw me out with someone else, same thing — no matter how they reacted, I wouldn’t call them again. It isn’t worth the hassle — and if I’m out with someone else, I’m not feeling that much about the other one, anyway.
TenderRoni
June 7th, 2011
10:32 am
Mornings,
I think its where we are in the stage of dating if feelings have developed, and if intentions were stated within the first couples of dates. If his intentions are he just wants to casually date, I wouldn’t get mad. But if the intentions are to be in a relationship and we are going to get to know each other, and then I saw him out with another chic, more than likely I will lose interest.
For Real
June 7th, 2011
10:42 am
On topic: If you ain’t married then you are single. If you see/are seen out act like an adult and speak/introduce that person to the person you are with. Hiding and acting like you didn’t see someone is childish.
Eastside: “Now if we are doing things like we are exclusive” – Can you give some examples of doing things that women consider exclusive actions on a man’s part?
Leggs: “your friend is crazy and a glutton for punishment and being disrespected.” – Exactly how is she being disrespected and who is disrespecting her? Why is she crazy? Who said she is being punished?
ScooL: What if he changed his mind and decided not chill or hang with his boy and chose to go out on a date? Is it still a lie or do you require a call from him to let you know that he changed his mind?
Leggs
June 7th, 2011
10:44 am
@Eastside ~ women like that don’t know their worth. I’m serious! They’re so thirsty and needy and full of drama it makes me sick! WOW, he moved in, she cooks, washes his funky clothes, goes through his phone and arguments starts. He’s a leech and she’s a bonafide FOOL.
Eastside Sweetie
June 7th, 2011
10:45 am
@For Real…Well it’s the allowing him to move in(he’s not working)cooking for him, washing his clothes, buying him things and taking care of his needs. They’re not even in a relationship and she has taken on wife duties.
SexyCool
June 7th, 2011
10:45 am
ForReal – I am going to start reading your posts with a Zamundan accent too.
To your question, yeah…anything is possible and everybody is allowed to change their mind.
For Real
June 7th, 2011
10:47 am
“women like that don’t know their worth.” – Can someone please explain what this means?
Leggs: How do you know he is a leech? Eastside, is he a leech ( lives free off her)?
Eastside Sweetie
June 7th, 2011
10:47 am
@Leggs, That’s what I think. And when the phone arguments start that’s when she’s hit with the “we’re not in a relationship you don’t have the right”. WTH!!!
Casual Observer
June 7th, 2011
10:50 am
Eastside..the problem with your friend is that they are in a relationship, but he has laid down the terms….Seems like he has been quite clear about where he is and what he is looking for….The fact that she failed to effectivly negotiate favorable terms sounds more like a her problem than a him problem…
For Real
June 7th, 2011
10:51 am
Eastside: Moving in together got it. The other stuff are things that she is doing. What other action by a man can be considered “we are in an exclusive relationship” by women? And since you stated he is not working does that mean he is not contributing (money/services) to the household?
SexyCool
June 7th, 2011
10:53 am
Eastside – she stupid.
For Real
June 7th, 2011
10:54 am
ScooL: “I am going to start reading your posts with a Zamundan accent too.” – I prefer the dude’s voice in those Joseph A. Banks commercial.
Purple Rain
June 7th, 2011
10:55 am
What kind of relationship do you even have if you “run” into them out of town. Did you not know they were “out of town” or what “town” they might be in? Seriously if it’s someone I am getting to know and she tells me that she is going out of town. I am sure I would ask “where ya going?” Not as a nosey question just a flow in conversation. Then if your dumbass ends up in that same town…well you both are playing childish games.
Out of the shadows, into the light
June 7th, 2011
10:55 am
“we’re not in a relationship you don’t have the right” = “I wanna have my cake and eat it, too.”
Eastside, if I were your friend, I’d tell Buster Brown to skedaddle, and don’t let the door hit his sorry behind on the way out. This man is bringing nothing to the table but heartache.
Purple Rain
June 7th, 2011
10:56 am
When I typed “relationship” earlier I meant even if it’s in the getting to know each other phase.
Purple Rain
June 7th, 2011
10:57 am
on no of
If a woman is that dumb in a relationship she deserves what she gets.
For Real
June 7th, 2011
10:58 am
If a couple is in a relationship does the man have the right to go through a woman’s purse?
“I wanna have my cake and eat it, too.” – The dumbest saying ever!!! What exactly are you suppose to do with cake?????
Leggs
June 7th, 2011
10:58 am
@ForReal ~ when I say someone is a glutton for punishment, I’m saying they’re bringing it on themselves. Gluttony is self-absorbed, and she’s disrespecting herself. He’s not doing anything she’s not allowing to be done to her. It’s all on her. You cool with that???