Dating: Too soon to meet the kids?
A reader wants advice on how to handle a situation with her new beau. He threw her for a loop when he introduced her to his two kids last weekend. She was not expecting it and they had not discussed it beforehand. They have only been seeing one another for a couple of weeks.
To make matters worse, the kids were not exactly on their best behavior. She is a single woman with no children and little experience with them. She is an only child so she is not an Aunt – she isn’t a Godmother, either. She is pretty much the definition of childless. Her life literally has not had to revolve around children in any way, shape, or form…until this weekend.
You can imagine how uncomfortable she must have felt. I believe this had an impact on how the kids received her…or rather how badly it went. Since she has to adjust to kids, I doubt waiting longer would have made much of a difference.
Do you think meeting the children of your date before the three month-mark is a good idea?
If you have children, when do you decide that it’s time to bring your significant other around them for the first time? How do you handle it? Is it a major thing or do you sort of let it unfold in a casual surrounding?
Are you childless and dating someone who isn’t? How do you make it work? What is the best advice you have for someone who has to warm up to the idea of having children around?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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297 comments Add your comment
Leggs
May 19th, 2011
11:09 am
@SlimNU ~ with or w/o tonsils you can still get strep. Strep affects your pharynx, not your tonsils.
My daughter was in the wedding (she was about 18 months). We also bought a little gold ring for her and included her in the ceremony. Crazy, I know, but I thought it cute.
Lovely Brown
May 19th, 2011
11:09 am
Leggs- And, I truly feel sorry for those children who are being slammed by the “revolving door!”
Me too…..my nieces know a lot of grown azz men because of my sister. Just thinking about it makes me mad!
Another situation that makes me heated mad, is the single person with kids/married person with kids scenario. WTH?! I would never in a million years mix my kids up in some mess like that. But I know some people who have.
Raqi V
May 19th, 2011
11:09 am
And I did NOT allow….
LP
May 19th, 2011
11:12 am
Too soon, Too late. Who knows? Its up to you. Some people are just natural when it comes to kids and some aren’t. Me, I fall into the category of “some aren’t” and I would not have a problem saying that to anybody I dated and believe me I would get it out in the open as soon as I could.
Raqi V
May 19th, 2011
11:15 am
I am meeting my bestie and her two kiddies for lunch. McDonald is the devil. LOL
Imma stop and get me some Zaxby’s on the way. LOL
I know it’s not quite lunch time for yall but Bon Apetit anyway.
Celisea
May 19th, 2011
11:23 am
Morning,
Okay….I’m skimming and I come across this —> That ended too but I honestly don’t miss him or them bad a$$ kids and they retarded mama.
LOLOLOL…OMG way too funny
Simple Man....
May 19th, 2011
11:25 am
SexyCool..I wanna introduce you to my friend angry outsider…
(SCool and angry in the park throwing rocks @ those bada$$ kids) LMAO!!!
Celisea
May 19th, 2011
11:25 am
On topic – I have a teenager and I’ve been in the mindset of not allowing her to meet Tom, Dick or Harry….not that I’ve done Tom, Dick or Harry but for me and IMO, it’s just not necessary…until and unless I see permenance there. I used to think ut uh no way but I agree, the timeline should be when it’s the right time…2 weeks 3 weeks, a month, whatever works for you and you kid(s). I do think though that if a dude whipped it on me early that he’s packing kids, I don’t see that so much as a deal breaker because his kids are his kids and knowing further into getting acquaintance won’t make them his any less.
Just Me
May 19th, 2011
11:29 am
My typical rule is we have to have been dating for 2-3 months and there has to be titles involved (boyfriend/girlfriend). Nobody I’m simply dating is going to meet my daughter because she doesn’t need to get close to people that may eventually just not be a part of her life anymore. It would make us very irresponsible parents if we were so careless with our children’s emotions.
SexyCool
May 19th, 2011
11:30 am
I don’t throw rocks. I wait until they walk they rude asses too close in front of me and trip ‘em.
(I kid. I kid.)
Celisea
May 19th, 2011
11:32 am
knowing his kid(s) after further acquaintance won’t make them an less his kids…there’s where I was going. Just don’t pop up and surprise me with a dang buttload of kids.
kimmie
May 19th, 2011
11:36 am
I have a friend whose daughter got very upset her. She said she could hear her mom & her mom’s boyfriend doing it in the next room when he would come to visit and stay over. Her mom, my friend, said she didn’t think she could really hear it, but knew if he was staying over they were doing it. One night they had a showdown. The daughter went in the bedroom with them when it was time to go to bed and said she wasn’t leaving! She said she knew what they were doing and it made her sick and she was going to sit right there, all night if she had to, to prevent them from doing it. She was yelling and crying and everything!
Celisea
May 19th, 2011
11:36 am
Just Me – Nobody I’m simply dating is going to meet my daughter because she doesn’t need to get close to people that may eventually just not be a part of her life anymore.
I agree whole heartedly….that’s why I said if no real permenance why would I?
Leggs
May 19th, 2011
11:37 am
@Celisea ~ Although no one is going this route, one must consider when you have teenagers at home. You can’t introduce your children to everyone you date. I have a teenage daughter as well. In my eyes, a very pretty one. I will not bring strange men around her like my mother did with me growing up. I’ve seen a lot and felt hands that I shouldn’t have felt at that age. Thank goodness I had/have the personality to kick them in their ballz, run and tell. Most times she believed me, one time she didn’t care to hear what I had to say. I will not put my daughter in the company of any man I haven’t taken the time to get to know!
Leggs
May 19th, 2011
11:38 am
Dang, kimmie, how old was the child??
Lady
May 19th, 2011
11:40 am
Celisea and just Me I totally agree! Howdy folks!
Lady
May 19th, 2011
11:42 am
OAN: my angel graduates kindergarten next friday and has been doing AWESOME playing softball! she is my beautiful black butterfly!!!! she makes me proud and smile! I am glad God chose me for her! It saved my life!
SexyCool
May 19th, 2011
11:43 am
Actually, Leggs, I hinted at that earlier.
What happens if, after a year, you (not you specifically) let your man meet your daughter and you immediately sense something off? After a year, you should have some pretty strong emotions built up. What are you going to follow? Your instincts? Or your heart?
I tell ya’…glad I ain’t ever had to deal with this.
Celisea
May 19th, 2011
11:44 am
Leggs – Exactly. My reasoning for allowing to meet or not is more so hinged on her safety. Some of these heinous jokers are looking at your daughters. My daughter is VERY beautiful and it’s enough keeping dudes her age at bay and teaching her how to keep them at bay let alone some grown dude looking at her. Not having it. I’m dead serious…I will do time about a dude abusing or misusing my kid…dead serious. I have turned down MANY (hey PR) random or one-off dates because I have her to think of. I know I said to stand by the timeline that works for you and I’m not changing but that’s more in tune with someone with little ones and if you’re going to make a go at it, having them adjust as well as your mate to getting acquainted. As it relates to my teen, I won’t do it nor have done it unless it’s is or has been longterm, his character checks out, so forth and so on.
Celisea
May 19th, 2011
11:45 am
And as much as kids think they know, they know nothing. The can easily get bamboozled by a dude manipulating and getting in their heads. Young cats or old(er) cats.
Leggs
May 19th, 2011
11:46 am
Cool, SexyC! I hadn’t read that post.
Leggs
May 19th, 2011
11:49 am
My exact sentiments, Celisea (11:44). My exact sentiments!
Mo (aka Moeisha)
May 19th, 2011
11:51 am
Morning All!!
Okay, my guy didnt meet Lil Mo until we were past the 9 month dating mark. And it only happened because we were at a family barbeque (my paternal family) and my guy came. Im not one for introducing everybody to your kids, dating or otherwise. Ive heard the horror stories, seen how some kids act. It can be a mess.
On the flip side I purposely chose not to deal with someone that did not have a child. I just felt like I wanted someone who basically shared how my day to day life operates.
Celisea – ^5 on your 11:36 & 11:44
SexyCool
May 19th, 2011
11:52 am
And what do you do if you have differing parenting styles? He was raised in Willacootchee where they still beat children like slaves to discipline them, but you are from the time-out school of thought. What if he is from the school of free thought when it comes to raising children – give them opportunities and allow them choices, but you believe in structure and guidance?
How is he going to potentially be the head of your household and you not allow him to discipline them the way he believes is right? When you don’t see eye to eye?
SlimNu
May 19th, 2011
11:54 am
with or w/o tonsils you can still get strep. Strep affects your pharynx, not your tonsils
kimmie
May 19th, 2011
11:54 am
Leggs – She was 13 at the time.
kimmie
May 19th, 2011
11:59 am
Celisea/Leggs – I stopped dating this guy because I didn’t like the way he looked at my niece, who was 12 at the time. He saw her in person at a family gathering and saw a picture of her at my house. He was practically drooling and commented he thought she was older than she was. She is gorgeous and has a baby face and at the time wore braces. She developed early, but my sister was careful how she let her dress. The time he saw her in person she had on an oversized sweatshirt and the picture was of her as a jr bridesmaid in a wedding.
He got dumped with the quickness.
Leggs
May 19th, 2011
12:01 pm
@SlimNu ~ sorry for the spoiler news (lol).
@kimmie ~ whew, thought you were going to say 9 or 10 years of age. Even at 13, it’s gross to many teenage girls. She may have thought he was hurting her.
Good for you, kimmie. Good for you. You have to pay attention to all the remarks a potential suitor makes about your child. It speaks of their character as a person or lack thereof.
SexyCool
May 19th, 2011
12:04 pm
kimmie – that’s exactly what I’m talking about.
Lovely Brown
May 19th, 2011
12:08 pm
kimmie@ 11:59
Good for you! I wish I could get my lunkhead sister to realize that all her dates do not need to meet her teenage daughters.
kimmie
May 19th, 2011
12:12 pm
Leggs – Plus, I don’t think anybody wants to hear their parents doing it! I would hope not anyway! It was for the best- she had a little of the revolving door thing going on anyway! She needed to handle her buisness and look out for her child a whole lot better than she was!
Oh yeah, I don’t play when it comes to kids, anybody’s kids! You are not going to be undressing a child with your eyes around me and making comments. No sir!
Leggs
May 19th, 2011
12:18 pm
“Plus, I don’t think anybody wants to hear their parents doing it!” You’re absolutely right!
Leggs
May 19th, 2011
12:20 pm
Chez Chez LeFemme is on! Very old song by Dr. Buzzard and The Original Savannah Band (loved, loved this album)!
Simple Man....
May 19th, 2011
12:22 pm
“I don’t think anybody wants to hear their parents doing it”..
At least we know Buddy was putting it down like he was supposed to!!!
kimmie
May 19th, 2011
12:22 pm
Simple –
smh
czBrat
May 19th, 2011
12:25 pm
hello ladies. beautiful day out there!
agree with the comments about creepos. at one point as i contemplated my divorce, i resigned myself to be forever alone because i thought it would be too much to ask that a nice guy come into our home and NOT have some creep factor in him. that’s a huge part of why i was so particular about dating.
leggs, i’m sick just reading your story. this is why so many young women need good mentor/role models. not everyone has the confidence you had at an early age to stand up for themselves.
MzNewy
May 19th, 2011
12:29 pm
@ Slim and Sassy – Ya’ll sound like you have what I had last weekend and earlier this week. Hot toddy, sleep and halls are what you need.
Feel Better ladies.
Purple Rain
May 19th, 2011
12:31 pm
Celisea what’s with your “Hey PR” gloating? No need to rub the rejection in my face. LOL
SlimNu
May 19th, 2011
12:33 pm
MzNewy – What exactly was wrong with you last weekend? I just want to leave work, lay on the couch with a nice hot cup of tea and fall asleep
MzNewy
May 19th, 2011
12:35 pm
@ Slim – Sore throat…pain to swallow, I was freezing all the time, headache, lethargic. I was MISERABLE! I was in beed all weekend and on Monday…I went home early Tuesday. I am just now starting to feel okay. I took some musinex and the hot toddy, and curled up with my blankie
Simple Man....
May 19th, 2011
12:35 pm
Kimmie @ 12:22…It was cheap and in poor taste I know..But I could not help myself…:)
Purple Rain
May 19th, 2011
12:36 pm
I know this little hottie with a newborn, it doesn’t bother me that she just had a baby. I am going to date her anyway and raise that little rascal. I think very soon I may be the first and last guy to be intimate with her since she has had her son. It feels like love this time I hope it works out.
casual observer
May 19th, 2011
12:39 pm
WOW…. Kimmie had the simpleman guy backing up like he was Newt Gingrich!!
MzNewy
May 19th, 2011
12:39 pm
On topic…I feel for those with daughters…there are some creeps out here. But even still I don’t bring them around my sons either. My sons are just as protective of me as I am of them.
Purple Rain
May 19th, 2011
12:40 pm
Slim, you need something to soothe the back of your throat?
SexyCool
May 19th, 2011
12:40 pm
kimmie – we walked up the street to Busy Bee for dinner last night. It was a little expensive, but we didn’t mind because we were supporting a business in our neighborhood, the service was great and the food was maybe, just maybe, a little better than mine.
Leggs
May 19th, 2011
12:41 pm
I don’t think anybody wants to hear their parents doing it”..
At least we know Buddy was putting it down like he was supposed to!!!
You don’t know that! All moans and groans aren’t moans of ecstasy!
Purple Rain
May 19th, 2011
12:42 pm
have to protect your kids you don’t want your daughters or sons around pervs. Sugar Ray Leonard as a young boxer got raped by one of his coached. I always wondered how he got the name “Sugar”
MzNewy
May 19th, 2011
12:43 pm
@PR Your 12:40 OMG I am mad at you for that…Slim is gonna get you.
Purple Rain
May 19th, 2011
12:44 pm
MzNewy, why because I am concerned about her health?