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Dating Dilemma: Not ready for sex

Have you ever been in a situation where you decide to postpone/delay getting physical with someone you are dating?  It can be difficult explaining why you aren’t ready.  You don’t want to send the wrong message that “not now” actually means not ever.  So how do you tell someone you just need more time?

Everyone has different waiting periods – from minutes to months – when it comes to deciding when they want to hook up.  You would think that it is easy to meet someone with similar waiting periods, but it can be tricky.

While one person is ready to “get it out of the way” before things get too serious, someone else may want the opposite.

How do you bring it up when you see that you are headed to that part of the night  when you want to cool things off before it goes to far?

What would happen if your decision to delay sex is met with hostility? Is that one of those defining moments that can make or break a relationship?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

288 comments Add your comment

Raqi V

May 18th, 2011
10:17 am

Dan, yet and still I did not type one name in my comment. If she feels like hers is one of the most then maybe, just maybe…

Raqi V

May 18th, 2011
10:18 am

Most men are dogs.

SexyCool

May 18th, 2011
10:20 am

I have said one more than one occasion that I don’t put a timetable on a decision about when to go all the way with someone that I am dating.

I am an advocate of taking steps to make sure that you are having the safest contact possible, making responsible decisions and going with works for you.

I believe that the physical/sexual compatibility is a key part of the decision making process when you determine to what direction a relationship should take.

What I believe that you should fiercely guard are your emotions and your mind. Letting yourself go too soon emotionally is far more damaging than quickly engaging in responsible sexual activity.

czBrat

May 18th, 2011
10:22 am

You be surprised how many women go pantiless when wearing a dress.
i actually have no prob with this whatsoever, leggs, but it aint happening with a guy i’m casually dating. :wink:

^5 @ dreams 10:04 and sexy 10:08

Mrs. Tazzee

May 18th, 2011
10:24 am

Simple Man – show me one comment where a woman looked down on KOB and Lana for their comments. abc (a man) was the first to say something negative about the comments (in general) and Raqi agreed. I don’t see where anyone specifically called out those ladies’ comments. I think you’re just trying to start something…

Waiting

May 18th, 2011
10:27 am

@Dan simply superior – you may be correct that a sociopath can outlast my 90 day rule. It doesn’t matter to me if they can or not. Nothing is worse to me than for a woman to “give it up” only to find out that this person is not the one! As a lesbian, I find my 90 day rule to come in quite handy! Those that only want sex will move on and those that are interested in a meaningful long term relationship will stay around for as long as they can. :-)

Ark2011

May 18th, 2011
10:28 am

Yes, yes, yes, Raqi….most men are dogs. Just like most women are hyper emotional, irrational and creat self inflicted psychological trauma for themselves.

Be careful about generalizations. You are cutting yourself with your own knife…..

kimmie

May 18th, 2011
10:30 am

Morning Gang!

Wow, some folks, even though they put on like they are soooo uninhibited, are soooo sensitive and defensive!!!LOL!! Do you & don’t worry about what others do or won’t, or won’t comment on.

I thought we were all adult here. I’m all about exercising my rights as a grown a– woman, able to make my own decisions about what I do. Physical intimacy has pretty much always been tied to my heart. I’ve never had a timetable. I have to be attracted to a man and feel comfortable with him before we go there. The attraction part he has very little control over. The comfort part he has a bit more wiggle room. The quicker he makes me feel comfortable and secure, the quicker it will happen.

Hostility?? He better get out of here with that!

Dan – Addressing your stuffy comment. I know with me it’s not a matter of being stuffy. I blog from work so I have to watch it. I’m a bit more private as well. But stuffy, no.

Raqi V

May 18th, 2011
10:32 am

Mrs. Tazzee, I know they are because they could not have been reading me for long. And if I am a “Leave it to Beaver” mom I am probably the only June Cleaver that just wore a black lace bustier, garter belt and crotchless panties Sunday night while riding reverse cowgirl. LOL

letgetthisstr8

May 18th, 2011
10:32 am

Which 1 is da skank and whick 1 is da hoe. they both work fo da same pimp

Raqi V

May 18th, 2011
10:34 am

Ark2011, I simply made that generalized statement just to see if any men would voluntarily put themselves in that statement and get offended. I actually did not expect one man to do it. I was attempting to make an example seen. But thank you for the response.

blue-eyed-blonde

May 18th, 2011
10:35 am

I’ve not seen any of the blog “ladies” putting anyone down. It seems to me Lana was the first to accuse some of being “Leave it to Beaver” moms. She seems to be the one with her panties in a wad…oh wait….that can’t be now can it?

Mrs. Tazzee

May 18th, 2011
10:35 am

Raqi – don’t you get started! I can’t see my husband at lunch like you can, LOL.

As a matter of fact – it was Motorcross (a man) that first said something negative about the comments. abc simply addressed the topic.

And I wish a mofo would get hostile with me about the decisions I make regarding my body! That’s a sign for an immediate exit.

Raqi V

May 18th, 2011
10:39 am

LOL Mrs. Tazzee. Okay I will stop. I have to take the little lady to the doctor’s in about an hour anyway so I am about to get ghost.

SexyCool

May 18th, 2011
10:40 am

“So how do you tell someone you just need more time?”

Well…..”I need more time.” usually works pretty well for me. :)

Exiled!

May 18th, 2011
10:41 am

LOL…..nothing is worse to me than for a woman to…as a lesbian…

talk of high anticipation and then a cataclysmic anti-climax with that lesbian comment!

:lol:

czBrat

May 18th, 2011
10:41 am

I am probably the only June Cleaver that just wore a black lace bustier, garter belt and crotchless panties Sunday night while riding reverse cowgirl.
c’mon now, raqi. you know still waters run deep. no telling what june had up her crinoline sleeve.

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 18th, 2011
10:42 am

@Raqi/Taz

I never said that anyone said that….today. But she’s made a similar comment before and I wanted to let her know that there are those of us that welcome new voices.

@Kimmie

I feel you, I’m at work too. And I know that I have to watch my tongue (at least for the next 36 or so hours), and I’ve seen you ladies get professionally nasty a time or two before.

@all (regulars)

my comment, like your Raqi, wasn’t directed at nor named a single person; it was for Lana to know that she doesn’t have feel some kinda way about expressing herself.

@Lana

About your knee high leather boots……

SexyCool

May 18th, 2011
10:44 am

“While one person is ready to “get it out of the way” before things get too serious”

If someone takes that stance, that’s a turn off. And usually a sign they are not going to be into YOU enough to bring you pleasure.

There is a difference between being into the act and being into the person that you are acting out with. There is also a difference in the result. Whereas it’s a part of the decision making process for me, I also have to be feeling you enough to not feel like I’m performing or convincing you how good I can be.

Lovely Brown

May 18th, 2011
10:44 am

Good Morning to all!

The comment about Leave It to Beaver moms made me laugh!

Just because some women don’t unwrap their cookie for every man that makes them a lil hot makes them boring?!

And I have found out from living a lil while that the ones, male or female that always talk about sex how they get it, how they do it, how freaky they are, etc. are usually the ones not getting any or are really boring when you do get them in the sack…all talk and no action.

Really sexy people don’t need to advertise.

SexyCool

May 18th, 2011
10:45 am

I thought “man’s perspective” post at 931a made some very good points.

Exiled!

May 18th, 2011
10:47 am

Or convincing u how good I can be..

As if that’s a bad thing SexxyCool…lol

kimmie

May 18th, 2011
10:48 am

Really sexy people don’t need to advertise.

Lovely – Bears repeating! Empty wagons make the most noise!!

Purple Rain

May 18th, 2011
10:50 am

I really do not understand what all of the fuss is this morning. Just been an adult and deal with whatever decisions you make.

Now when this stuff is over I need some advice from the men.

SexyCool

May 18th, 2011
10:51 am

Yeah, but Meelow, for me, sexual contact with you is an expression of the attraction, interest and feelings that I am developing/have developed for you, not a session that is purely for entertainment purposes only or to prove a point.

Big Un

May 18th, 2011
10:53 am

Lovely, I agree with that statement….to a point. Sometimes the quiet women will drag you back to their bedroom by your hair and then put a lock on the door when they leave, cause they ain’t finished with you.

But I’ve met many more women that just oozed sex and would talk about it quite openly, then they proved it when toe met leather. One woman in particular made me call a friend to come pick me up, because she wouldn’t take me back to my car. She had left to go cook me some breakfast and said “Dont’ go anywhere. We aren’t finished. I called my buddy and was whispering “Come help me. She won’t let me LEAVE!” I slipped out of the bedroom window while she was in the kitchen. A man’s got to know his limitations….LOL

Raqi V

May 18th, 2011
10:53 am

SexyCool, I agree. Feeling that you are connected with a person and getting it on after only 3 dates is not the same as fkcuing for sport.

Simple man....

May 18th, 2011
10:54 am

Mrs. Tazzee, My comment was one made about women in general….I read / participate in this blog often and my question was a fair and legit question. Women do often catagorize and condemn other sexually liberated women. Women that are in touch with embrace their sexality are often labled…That was not an indictment of anyone else. It was not a judgement on anyones lifestyle…Just asking why women pass judgement on other women….

Purple Rain

May 18th, 2011
10:55 am

“tissue” is today’s slang word of the day:

“Let me tissue how to Dougie”

Purple Rain

May 18th, 2011
10:57 am

How can it be stealing when WiFi is trespassing in my house?

Lovely Brown

May 18th, 2011
10:58 am

She had left to go cook me some breakfast and said “Dont’ go anywhere. We aren’t finished. I called my buddy and was whispering “Come help me. She won’t let me LEAVE!” I slipped out of the bedroom window while she was in the kitchen. A man’s got to know his limitations….LOL

I have had my laugh for the day! Thanks Big Un :-)

Purple Rain

May 18th, 2011
10:59 am

My brother got my son a t-shirt that reads “I’m what happened in Vegas!” LOL

Raqi V

May 18th, 2011
10:59 am

czBrat, I know. LOL I just said June Cleaver the comment came after mine and you know…

LOL

Purple Rain

May 18th, 2011
10:59 am

You don’t have “haters” people just don’t like you!

Exiled!

May 18th, 2011
11:01 am

Diva says ‘everyone has different waiting petiods’

Ladies yes,Men?? not so sure…

Guys,anybody here with a s3xual road block on a chic u feeling? Please let us know.

Me none…I will get it in today if u oblige..

Dog much…u right Raqi…raising my hand!

Al

May 18th, 2011
11:01 am

Ummm….sport fking is wrong? Sorry, I didn’t get that memo.

Purple Rain

May 18th, 2011
11:01 am

Washing Machine:” I want you inside of me, I want to get you wet”
Clothes:”That’s hot, I want you to toss me around,…I’m dirty”
Washing Machine:”I like dirty!”

Purple Rain

May 18th, 2011
11:02 am

Exiled, like I said earlier if I really like her and want her in a relationship I would prefer and won’t cross the sexual path until I knew everything else was kosher. Sex is the easiest part of a relationship IMO

abc

May 18th, 2011
11:02 am

Being comfortable with one’s sexuality and posting all about it on a public forum, or discussing it in a public setting via any means, are entirely different things. So far today, this discussion speaks most about exhibitionism and voyeurism.

Al

May 18th, 2011
11:04 am

Exhibitionism and Voyeurism, TOO? Dayum…..I gotta get caught up on thses new rules…….

czBrat

May 18th, 2011
11:06 am

and sexy’s 10:51 is exactly why the concept of ‘make sure the sex is good before you commit’ baffles me. if we’ve established connections on multiple levels that are not merely based on physical prowess then WE … YOU and ME … make the sex good.

Just asking why women pass judgement on other women….
probably for the same reasons guys who exude sensitivity and put a woman’s needs ahead of their own are judged to be tw-ats by other men. we’re flawed humans.

reign … just zip it!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Dave

May 18th, 2011
11:13 am

@czBrat, oh no, I beg to differ. You can be in love with someone and the sex can be bad. That’s like the folks saying that there is no such thing as bad sex….BUT….THERE….IS. When I’m dating you, I can like you, but if you are inhibited, prudish or don’t place much importance on a sexual relationship and have no interest in adventure and exploration. That’s a deal breaker, even if you are the nicest person in the world. Just my opinion….

Purple Rain

May 18th, 2011
11:19 am

CanalZone, there are two types of people, those who stay on topic and…Hey I like frosted flakes!

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 18th, 2011
11:19 am

Yeah, for some folks it (sport fcking) is.

For others, it’s a way to relieve frustrations, tensions, and (shockingly) getting to know someone on a more initimate level than words can express.

I’ve seen sex be used in many ways and let me say ^ are among my top 5. (rounding them out, makeup and angry – in no particular order)

Purple Rain

May 18th, 2011
11:19 am

Love is said to be more important than money, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug?

Celisea

May 18th, 2011
11:22 am

Just because some women don’t unwrap their cookie for every man that makes them a lil hot makes them boring?!

Bears repeating

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 18th, 2011
11:23 am

slow golf clap for Dave

Yeah, that “love makes the sex better” motif is really some Hollywood/fantasy isht.

Nothing worse than feeling a woman emotionally only to find out y’all are not sexually compatible.

And, whoever say whatever, but once you reach a certain age, if you ain’t done it, ya won’t.

And, I personally have moonwalked away from a number of those situations.

shamon!

Exiled!

May 18th, 2011
11:24 am

PR..11:02

I hear u about not crossing the s3xual path..but it’s easier when she puts the brakes on that and u choose to agree coz u value her like u describe or to move on.

My question is do u mouth the 2 month rule or whatever rule u have,urself or u just keep it quiet and make sure ur hands don’t go beyond what u are comfortable with.

U say ‘babe I like u but no sex until……’

Really?

czBrat

May 18th, 2011
11:26 am

no need to beg, dave. :) i’ve been in situations where the greatest sex became less than fulfilling once our feelings took a different turn. i’ve also been in situations where i’ve enjoyed something, shall we say a bit different from my norm, simply because i soooo enjoyed the guy. these have been MY experiences, hence my opinion.

to your point, if the inhibited chick is into you enough, she’ll open up to exploration. ijs.

Purple Rain

May 18th, 2011
11:30 am

Exiled, I have said no but I am still interested. I don’t have a time frame on when it can happen it just depends on the other stuff. These standards are only for a woman that I value, I have had sex with some women soon but I knew that we were not going to be long term.

As far as good sex bad sex etc. Sexual relations is what you make it, if you have the patience for someone who is sub standard to your liking, bring them up to speed. No two people are the same that person may think that you sexual prowess is sub standard as well. I do believe if to people are genuiely into each other they will get on the same page sexually at some point. Train the puddy to your liking! LOL