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Dating Dilemma: Not ready for sex

Have you ever been in a situation where you decide to postpone/delay getting physical with someone you are dating?  It can be difficult explaining why you aren’t ready.  You don’t want to send the wrong message that “not now” actually means not ever.  So how do you tell someone you just need more time?

Everyone has different waiting periods – from minutes to months – when it comes to deciding when they want to hook up.  You would think that it is easy to meet someone with similar waiting periods, but it can be tricky.

While one person is ready to “get it out of the way” before things get too serious, someone else may want the opposite.

How do you bring it up when you see that you are headed to that part of the night  when you want to cool things off before it goes to far?

What would happen if your decision to delay sex is met with hostility? Is that one of those defining moments that can make or break a relationship?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

288 comments Add your comment

ASB

May 18th, 2011
6:34 am

Part of the waiting is ensuring the both of us are compatible. Too many people rush the physical part of a relationship. When the relationship doesn’t work out, feelings are hurt.

Plus, you should wait until the disease free reports come back!

MzNewy

May 18th, 2011
8:04 am

If I wanted to wait and he didn’t and used hostility to voice his displeasure I would give him two fingers and be out. Because that is a sign of things to come if I were to stay.

I brought it up with my current beau. Told him I wanted to see if we were compatible in other ways, if we could hang out together without having to end up in the sack and he honored that. All too often, people stay in a sexually gratifying relationship with someone they really are not compatible with. My motto is the relationship is not going to be in the bed 24 X 7, so after sex, then what?

Ark2011

May 18th, 2011
8:57 am

It varies, but if you are attractive and we are vibing, usually guys thoughts lead to the physical aspect. If that were the case and nothing happened after regular dating for over a month, I’d start hitting the breaks, no matter how well we were otherwise compatible. That part of a relationship is too important to me.

Outside of that, if I meet a beautiful woman and within an hour she wants to rock n roll, I’m good with that, too. At least she’s got a libido and that’s a good start…lol

Lana

May 18th, 2011
8:58 am

I don’t have a set time table as to when I want to take that step. I’m a pretty amorous woman and I really enjoy the sexual arts. If I get the itch, I get the itch. It’s happened after a few weeks and it’s happened as soon as we started the conversation. Sponteneity is the key.

Roberta

May 18th, 2011
9:03 am

After 5 or 6 weeks of dating, if one person still “isn’t ready”, it’s time for the other person to move on.

Dave

May 18th, 2011
9:03 am

Being that I really, really enjoy all aspects of intimacy, I will only wait for so long before I move on. If a woman told me that she needed time, I would give it to her. But if it went a couple of months, you can rest assured that I also have a “regular” elsewhere. I would never, EVER date someone that said she wanted to wait until marriage. Good luck and good night.

knockoutblonde

May 18th, 2011
9:06 am

If you say no to me after a great evening and I am making all the moves, short of pulling my skirt up and pointing, you have just been eliminated from the pool. I want (and have) a rocking sex life and I have no intention on letting that get away. I would much prefer it be with one man, but if I have to make a few “test drives” on the parking lot, I’ll do it. Nothing beats a couple of hours of rolling around in the sheets, on the table, on the floor or pretty much anywhere. In fact, I just felt a twinge just typing this and it’s still morning!

MC Hammock

May 18th, 2011
9:14 am

I’m with the majority, here. I might wait, but it won’t be for two months. That being said, when I dated my first wife, we were in bed within a couple of weeks and it was pretty much every or every other day for almost a year. As soon as we got married, it dropped to about once every two weeks then once a month, then once every two months. Your dating life has very little to do with your married life, as far as the sex part goes.

Wifey

May 18th, 2011
9:16 am

Sex in the relationship….um…gotta have it and ain’t gonna wait for it. If I tell you NO when you make you’re move, that means that I’m not only NOT interested in getting naked with you, but I’m also NOT interested in you. There will be no future dates, either.

Miller Lite

May 18th, 2011
9:17 am

If a woman tells you NO (or not right now) that’s one thing and understandable. If a GUY tells you NO, then that’s a really bad sign. It’s not ALWAYS the case, but it’s usually the case.

Laid Back White Guy

May 18th, 2011
9:18 am

Wanna meet for lunch KOB? lol

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 18th, 2011
9:18 am

@KOB

Why not lift the skirt and point? Or point under the table? Could make for an interesting night…

knockoutblonde

May 18th, 2011
9:23 am

LOL@Dan. if I have to make it obvious, then I suspect that him locating it himself may be an ordeal in itself. Although I usually go pantiless when I wear a dress, I’ve never had to go to those extremes to make my intention known. I’m actually pretty verbal about it and nothing arouses a man more than a woman that can slip in a little dirty or slutty talk into the conversation. Talk about turning Winnie the Pooh into a Grizzly Bear!

abc

May 18th, 2011
9:24 am

This is a topic suitable for high schoolers. Grow up.

knockoutblonde

May 18th, 2011
9:26 am

@Laid Back, sorry, I have to work today, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be thinking or fantasizing about a nooner. When I can’t do it really, my mind is pretty active about it. Most of my buds always tell me that I have a man’s sex drive in a female body. It’s a curse…lol

Lana

May 18th, 2011
9:27 am

KOB, you and I were cut from the same cloth it seems. Rock on, babe!

MzNewy

May 18th, 2011
9:28 am

Whoa…now I said I would wait awhile not on a clock but until the chemistry is right. Usually after a month or so… I enjoy a great romp too but not going to confuse a good lay with a good mate.

If I am not vibing with him on that level after a month or so of dating…I mean where I at least THINK about it, I am moving on because I’m just not that into him.

DJ Sniper

May 18th, 2011
9:28 am

I think I like KOB. Date + no panties=winning! lol

knockoutblonde

May 18th, 2011
9:28 am

Gotta hit the bricks. Have a great Wednesday everyone!

man's perspective

May 18th, 2011
9:31 am

Problem is that people want monogomy too soon. Most people want the commitment before sex. Ask yourself, “How can I commit before I know we are compatible in bed.” Sex and money are top two reasons relationships end. When i was single and interested in a woman, I would just hangout with them as friends. Usually, rather than pick them up on a formal date I would meet them out at a restaurant, club, friend’s house, concert or what have you. That way if either one of you began to feel uncomfortable it is easy to leave without the pressure of the good-night kiss. Also, I think it helps to establish a friends first approach. If she asked me to follow her home, then I knew that she was ready to experiment with the sexual side of our relationship and most importantly she was in the power position which I think made the sex ultimately that more enjoyable and ultimately us more compatible! The worst sex is when a woman feels she has to do it because she has found herself in a situation in which there is no easy way out.

Exiled!

May 18th, 2011
9:32 am

Physical as in Kissing??

Lana

May 18th, 2011
9:36 am

MzNewy, I understand that, too. But I’ll take a good lay with an OK guy over bad sex or NO sex with someone that is mate material. Hell, sometimes I’m thinking to my self “If I don’t get sex soon, I’m going to rape the next guy that I see.” I wouldn’t, really, but I’m thinking that.

Bill Clinton

May 18th, 2011
9:38 am

Attention KOB,

Give me a call…I would like to meet you.

Motocross Survivor

May 18th, 2011
9:39 am

I’m always amused at reading the comments of casual porkers like these. Most of these wankers and scanks never find a long-term meaningful relationship. My wife and I waited four months, and we’re still happily married after 32 years.

Raqi V

May 18th, 2011
9:39 am

This is a topic suitable for high schoolers.

abc, well after reading most of these comments IMO it seems that it reached the intended audience.

SMH

Leggs

May 18th, 2011
9:43 am

Good morning….

High five, Raqi V. Great comeback. Loving it!

You be surprised how many women go pantiless when wearing a dress.

Leggs

May 18th, 2011
9:44 am

Congrats, Motocross!

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 18th, 2011
9:48 am

@Leggs

I wouldn’t, I know cut and color off sight.

Lana

May 18th, 2011
9:50 am

Oh well, in come the “Leave it to Beaver” mom wannabees. They only do it in one position and they don’t even like it that way. I’ll leave y’all to your boring lives. Later!

Lana

May 18th, 2011
9:51 am

They are like toasted bread with no butter, jelly or cinnimon. Booooorrrriiiiinng………..

Waiting

May 18th, 2011
9:52 am

I have a 90 day rule because most folk can’t keep up a charade that long.

Purple Rain

May 18th, 2011
9:59 am

I have to start wearing my wedding ring more in the morning.

On topic: I don’t mind waiting however long for sex if I am pursuing a meaningful relationship, sex will come and I can put my physical needs on hold while I figure out everything else.

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 18th, 2011
10:00 am

@Waiting

A sociopath can outlast you, believe me. And, after the 90 days,
(s)he’s still not invested and all you’ve done is caused yourself to lose weight becuase of an arbitrary rule.

@Lana

I’m calling you out.

If you’re a brave and “’bout dat” as you claim to be, why run when someone opposes your opinion.

You really gone let names on a computer screen run you off? Really? Sissy…..

DreamsMaterialize

May 18th, 2011
10:04 am

It can be difficult explaining why you aren’t ready.
No it isn’t. Watch: “I’M NOT READY”. See how easy that was. No explanation or disseratation needed. A chick doesn’t have to beat around the bush to tell me she’s not ready. I don’t try to pressure people to do anything they don’t want to. If you’re not ready I’m cool with that. But you should respect that I AM ready as much as I respect that you’re not.

Simple man....

May 18th, 2011
10:05 am

OK then…..The responses this morning have me wondering….Why can a woman not be active and agressive about her sex life and still be taken seriously by other women???? KOB and Lana seem like strong well adjusted, rational women that happen to be completely comfortable with THEIR sexaulity….Why do so many other women look down on then for that?????

Lana

May 18th, 2011
10:05 am

I’m not running, I’ve just seen them spout off and just run people ragged because they have a different take. If you are sexual, then you’re a slut. If you’re enjoying single life, then you haven’t grown up. If you partake in something that doesn’t fit in a Sunday School decorium, then you’re a bad, bad person. That Raqi chick is the queen of ‘em. All she does is stay in the level “5″ and if you go above that, you’re a deviant. She is the epitamy of “What do women think is a sex addict? Anyone that has more sex or enjoys sex more than she does.”

czBrat

May 18th, 2011
10:07 am

HiYas

well. this is one of those topics where i usually come off looking like a prude. with the exception of my ex-hubs (we met in high school and i made it clear i was not giving up my virginity before marriage), i’ve not felt the need to discuss a sexual time table with any man i’ve dated.

thankfully, my dating experiences have been founded in friendships. we spent time out doing things and talking and getting to know one another in settings that didn’t smack of intimacy. yeah, there was some lusting going on after a while, but we enjoyed the process. and talk of exclusivity HAD to happen before getting tangled.

but hey, good for those who are less inhibited and completely comfortable with their lifestyles. you make the world a much more interesting place to live. :)

Raqi V

May 18th, 2011
10:07 am

Dan, stop instigating.

And further more this Lana person took it upon him/herself to assume their comment is one of the “most” that I spoke about. No? No names were called. LOL

SexyCool

May 18th, 2011
10:08 am

What would happen if your decision to delay sex is met with hostility? Is that one of those defining moments that can make or break a relationship?

Hostility?!?!? Really?!? Dealbreaker. No further discussion necessary.

TenderRoni

May 18th, 2011
10:09 am

Yeah, its funny how they came on here boasting about their sexual prowess, then disappear.

If the intention is for a meaningful relationship, I will take some time to get to know the guy. But I don’t really have a big “X” on the calander of this is the day I”m going to sleep with said man.

At this point in life, I’m wanting the three C’s before treating him with the cookie. Comfort, Compatiablity, and Commitment.

Lana

May 18th, 2011
10:09 am

Thank you, Simple.

Raqi V

May 18th, 2011
10:09 am

Simple Man, read what I wrote to Dan. I didn’t point to any particular comment when I made my statement. If you or anyone else felt that your comment should have been included in my general opinion then that’s on you. No names were called.

Lana

May 18th, 2011
10:10 am

See the comment ny Raqi? The defense rests.

Raqi V

May 18th, 2011
10:11 am

Leggs, now I am really. LMBO.

Exiled!

May 18th, 2011
10:11 am

Enter your comments here

SexyCool

May 18th, 2011
10:12 am

“Plus, you should wait until the disease free reports come back!”

Yeah…it sounds responsible and sht to say that. But really…who does that? And is telling the truth when they *say* they do?

JeromeMJ

May 18th, 2011
10:14 am

KOB sounds like an AIDS spreader with an oozing puss brain. Not very sexy or something to dunk in. When you see that run like hell because you now know a psycho freak who will be cryin on your shoulder after puking on you from too much booze.

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 18th, 2011
10:14 am

@Lana

Clearly you haven’t stuck around long enough to hear Raqi get really real about her husband.

Even without that, why are letting the opinions of others stop you from voicing your own?

My thought – this board could use some women that are actively dating, enjoying a healthy sex life, and aren’t too stuffy to comment on it. I think it would be an added voice to the community.

Raqi V

May 18th, 2011
10:16 am

What would happen if your decision to delay sex is met with hostility?

When I read this ^ statement all I can think is “But no one owes it to you to have sex with you”. I don’t care how many dates you go on, how much money is spent and how much of a great time you have together no one owes you their body.

Mrs. Tazzee

May 18th, 2011
10:16 am

Interesting comments.

When I was in the dating game, I mentioned my celibacy when the topic came up. Most guys would say they were fine with it while not really being fine with it – if you know what I mean. I only had one guy that flat out said he couldn’t date me.

I think it was my last 2 years of dating that my position changed from I’m waiting until marriage to I’m not sure if I’ll ever get married and I want some of that good stuff. As I stated yesterday, when I met my husband I wasn’t sure if I wanted marriage. And that was my struggle in it all – I believe fornication is a sin, but I wasn’t sure if marriage was for me. So the last few guys I dated, I was honest with them. When the subject of sex came up, I told them how long I’d been celibate. I also told them that I wasn’t quite sure where I was on that spectrum so if they were looking for a sexual relationship, I wasn’t the one. Similarly, if they were looking for a celibate relationship – I might not be the one.

With me – physical attraction didn’t make me want to have sex, it was the heart connection. Let me rephrase that – a hot makeout session would spark the physical desire to have sex, but that was easy for me to walk away from. It wasn’t until I started truly caring for a man that I struggled with not getting more intimate. I have friends that have stayed in relationships because the sex was soooo good. I never wanted that to cloud my ability to pick a mate.