Why do you need marriage?
I don’t think that anyone should be talked into marriage. If you don’t want to marry, you definitely should not do it. You know what you want, right? So ..I don’t understand why people try to convince people who do want to be married, that they are wrong for wanting to get married.
A couple I know have been together for a couple of years and one of them decided that marriage is not what he wants. This is causing quite a dilemma now because he wants to convince his significant other that being together should be enough.
What do you do when you realize that your views about marriage has changed since you first started dating someone? How do you explain the reason you want and need to get married?
A lot of people change their outlook on something, but when that has an impact on the person you are with, how do you figure out what to do next?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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299 comments Add your comment
MzNewy
May 17th, 2011
10:22 am
@ DB youare on it! I can and will make a go of it with my current. You are right some folks want all the benefits of being married without the commitment marriage requires! I don’t think it is outdated. What I do think is that you (in general) must know who you are before you get married and look at your “deal breaker” list CAREFULLY before getting married. and like you said in your 10:11 post, date long enough to know your partner.
Simple Man.....
May 17th, 2011
10:22 am
Ok..abc..I won’t offer any further commentary on the validity of the bible when it comes to defining sin because the contridictions are supassed only by the depth belief from the followers….
Leggs
May 17th, 2011
10:23 am
@Lovely Brown ~ it’s love and regret. Does she know why he married someone else? If so, the reason wasn’t enough to her psyche/ego to kick him to the curb permantely. Or, is she simply holidng on for the sake of holding on to a memory, a past history? Love and lust can sometimes be very hard to distinguish. If she’s messing around with him she’s messing with a married man.
Dan - Simply....Superior
May 17th, 2011
10:25 am
@DB
I can tell you first hand that living with someone before getting married could halt that wedding real quick. Bag of hair.
Celisea
May 17th, 2011
10:27 am
Morning,
As with anything else in life, people do what they want to do, no matter the work. It’s a cop out if a dude says he wants to give it a go and subsequently switch gears. I would pull out if that’s something we initially decided together. Reason being, I would still be wanting wishing and hoping yet fooling myself because he’s already he’s no longer interested. I’m not surprised by the masses saying marriage is outdated and old. Don’t blame “marriage”…it’s not broken and nothing has changed since God instituted. Aside from “marriage” no one else is left to blame but the two people.
Simple Man.....
May 17th, 2011
10:29 am
Wait a minute…since when dose marrige equate to a person not being able to leave if they decide to do so??? Just in case you guys have forgotten, teh divorce rate in this country is upwards of 60%!!! And surevys say of those that are married, more than 80% would rate their marriage as less than happy. Now I will not bashed those that chose to get married, but to say that there has to be something wrong with those that dont is just silly…. The biblical rules of marriage are as foolish today as the biblical rules that say if a husband dies the wife must marry his brother, or any of the other silly guidelines that were laid out in the old testament….
abc
May 17th, 2011
10:31 am
Simple Man, you haven’t offered any commentary at all on the validity of the Bible. It’s not as if anyone’s commentary on that validity matters much, anyway. You either believe it, or you don’t. One can say that it’s about personal choice and free will, but I figure it’s about God: the only thing that will bring you to God is God Himself. If you don’t believe, it’s because God hasn’t called you. It’s a somewhat Calvinist perspective.
I don’t fault people for their conflicting viewpoints, but their perspective doesn’t alter my own. Take it or leave it. Your choice.
The Reanimated Corpse of I'm Swiss (now with titanium-infused, bionic w@ng)
May 17th, 2011
10:33 am
“marriage is a Christian institution, an invention of God.”
…And “god” (as portrayed by religions, anyway) is an invention of man, which would make marriage a human institution.
And the concept of marriage was around long before the bible — old or new testament.
SexyCool
May 17th, 2011
10:35 am
Someone I know who was recently married is realizing that having a big ceremony and exchanging vows and spending all that money on one day does not a marriage make. Also getting married did not magically fix the issues that they were having in the relationship before they got married. If anything, it only magnified them and made it clear that the whole thing was a mistake.
My advice in this situation – choose the next relationship with greater care. Look past the initial attraction and the superficial qualities that had to be there to draw you to that person. Take time to learn whether or not that person has what is necessary for you to build a life together and whether or not you are capable of giving them what they need.
Because the new will wear off and after the new wears off, there damn well better be something else there that you can hold on to.
Fion
May 17th, 2011
10:37 am
@ Celisea
A lot of folk approach marriage with no more forethought than when buying a Toaster and can’t buy a descent Toaster.
It is beyond me, whey in the name of All Outdoors they don’t think they should follow a Blueprint!
Wil Nes
May 17th, 2011
10:37 am
Marriage is an institution designed to secure an honest relationship that will help provide a balanced and potentially prosperous environment for raising children. There are laws and/or principles that must be adhered to (by both mates) in order for the marriage and family life to thrive and be successful. Marriage is not for everyone. Singleness is also a gift in itself, but many try to live their live as if they are married only to experience disappointment. I hope this was helpful.
abc
May 17th, 2011
10:37 am
Cite reference, Swiss. I’d bet a dollar you can’t. But, be that as it may, it still remains: be a Christian, or don’t be. Shacking up is living in sin. If you can’t be as Ephesians 5 describes, maybe marriage isn’t for you — but one must ask themselves WHY can’t they be as the Bible describes? What makes it so hard for some folks?
Lovely Brown
May 17th, 2011
10:37 am
it’s love and regret. Does she know why he married someone else? If so, the reason wasn’t enough to her psyche/ego to kick him to the curb permantely. Or, is she simply holidng on for the sake of holding on to a memory, a past history? Love and lust can sometimes be very hard to distinguish. If she’s messing around with him she’s messing with a married man.
I don’t think she even cares why. I know my ego,pride, whatever the hell you want to call it would not let me go there again with someone who could just hurt me like that.
Celisea
May 17th, 2011
10:39 am
Fion – I agree.
Lovely Brown
May 17th, 2011
10:41 am
Because the new will wear off and after the new wears off, there damn well better be something else there that you can hold on to-
So true!!!
Leggs
May 17th, 2011
10:42 am
@SexyC ~ just my take, but I never understood the big, expensive wedding, the lavish honeymoon only to come home to a boatload of debt (if you didn’t pay cash for everything). And you’re right, don’t think getting married is the bandaid covering the problems that already exists.
The Reanimated Corpse of I'm Swiss (now with titanium-infused, bionic w@ng)
May 17th, 2011
10:43 am
Ancient Greeks certainly had a concept of marriage. As did the ancient Chinese, and I’m certain many others, without ever reading a bible. Heck, even cave paintings indicate some form of family structure.
Now, if you’re talking specifically about all the added rules & customs that Christian tradition throws onto the institution, then that’s another story, but the idea of marriage as the basis of a family unit has been around since the first hunter/gatherers.
Leggs
May 17th, 2011
10:45 am
@Lovely Brown ~ neither could I!!!!
kimmie
May 17th, 2011
10:46 am
Good morning,
Well, as one who is about to take that walk down the aisle in 3 weeks, this is probably not the most supportive place for me!
But I will make a few comments anyway.
You can always find a statistic to support your view. One day the divorce rate is 50%, then it’s over 60. Not even a good 1% were polled, but yet over 80% are not happy. Oh well, what does that have to do with me?
Lovely Brown – I’ve seen what happened to your aunt so many times. Dude string someone along for years then up and marry someone else after a few months. That would devestate me.
When I got engaged this past Christmas, I was a little surprised by how many came up and said “I’m so happy he proposed. I was wondering what you were going to do if he didn’t.” What would I do? Keep on living! One thing I learned over the years is to make sure I am on the same page with someone I am seeing long-term. Make sure that our goals are in alignment. Now I have no control if he changes his mind. But why would I continue seeing someone for years on end that didn’t want the same things I want? Life is too short for that!
Everyone has a right to what they want. No one has to justify wanting to get married or not wanting to get married. Whether you reasons are biblical or legal, financial or emotional or all of the above. Decide what you want, be upfront and considerate of others you are involved with, and live your life.
SexyCool
May 17th, 2011
10:46 am
What do you do when you realize that your views about marriage has changed since you first started dating someone?
Sounds like what has changed is his desire to marry HER. And if he no longer wants to marry her, knowing that is what she wishes, then he should stop taking advantage of her and leave her so that they both can get on with finding the person who wants what they want and in reality, will be the better match.
Because I am certain that, if they continue in this relationship, whether married or unmarried, it will not be because one of the parties changed his/her mind, it will be because that party compromised because there was a greater immediate payoff to staying in the relationship than walking away.
Concerned individual
May 17th, 2011
10:49 am
I have read some interesting comments on here. Some I agree with and some I do not. Marriage is a sacred institution that impacts families socially and economically. Unfortunately, the rate of divorce and single parent households have drastically increase at least in the past 25 years. These increases correlate with the increase in poor education systems, criminal activities, and a decrease in society’s morality. In summary, the choice of marriage is up to the individual. if you chose not to get married please don’t have children out of wedlock.
czBrat
May 17th, 2011
10:51 am
HiYas!
wow! great topic today. too bad i have no time to catch up and very little time to chat. blue eyes, to your 9:18, that was pretty much the state i was in when s/o and i met. he proposed after one year and i had to tell him i was not ready. during our second year, he reached a point where he was perfectly comfortable just sharing our lives completely without being married if it’s not what i wanted, but he said to me “it’s not that i want to get married. it’s that i want to be your husband and i want you for my wife.” there is a difference. now we’re engaged.
simple, i’m sure someone has already commented on your post, but i must say that, if you are a christian, the word of God is never outdated. it is a blueprint in which you can find guidance for every situation regardless of the particular era you happen to be in.
Dan - Simply....Superior
May 17th, 2011
10:52 am
@abc
There were people living before the time described in the Bible. So, I can almost definitively state that “marriage” in some form existed. Maybe not in the Judeo Christian sense, but it existed.
(leave aside the fact that most Judeo – Christian religious traditions are a version of the ‘heathens’ traditions of the time; and imbibed with a Christian meaning well after their establishment).
@SC – that’s why that “like” is a muthasugger
SexyCool
May 17th, 2011
11:00 am
(I must have actually cursed the first time I posted this…..)
kimmie – this – “I was wondering what you were going to do if he didn’t.” – see…this…..oooooo…..ggggrrrr…..see ish like this right here….why can’t folks just be damned happy and say congrats and get the hell on. I am steamin’….(lol)
And yeah…like you said…as for the why of it all…for me, it’s rather difficult to explain. And maybe before the day is over, I will be able to find some words to give voice to my feelings/beliefs. But maybe not. More often than not, it’s nearly impossible to explain *why* you believe something. Either you do or you don’t.
abc
May 17th, 2011
11:01 am
Hey, according to some news stories, Jesus returns this Saturday, and it’s all over. Why worry, right?
Celisea
May 17th, 2011
11:03 am
Well, Arnie sure ain’t holding up his end of things.
just saying...
May 17th, 2011
11:03 am
ATTN: BEING SINGLE IS HARD! PLAYING THE DATING GAME IS HARD! CO-HABITATING AND/OR SHARING YOU LIFE WITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS THROUGH THE YEARS IS HARD!
I understand there are a lot of people that failed their vows the first time around for a litany of reasons, and yes it is a huge personal failure. But can all you failures please stop pretending that marriage is the most difficult thing ever? So you didn’t/don’t want to be married. Just express the truth and move on. Maybe it was the person, the situation, your age, you whatever. But this is the land of the free, do your thing and quit making excuses for your own personal failure, quit referring to marriage as merely a piece of paper, and move on.
Leggs
May 17th, 2011
11:06 am
…the word of God is never outdated. it is a blueprint in which you can find guidance for every situation regardless of the particular era you happen to be in.
BEAUTIFUL!
SexyCool
May 17th, 2011
11:06 am
Actually, it may be just as simple as saying – I want to be married because I don’t want to be single.
I mean really, no one is asking the question – Why do you need to be single?
Lady
May 17th, 2011
11:07 am
agree
Question for you guys???
May 17th, 2011
11:09 am
Does the word of “God” trump that of say Buddah? Or Alah?
Leggs
May 17th, 2011
11:11 am
I speak for myself. I never considered myself a failure that my marriage fell apart. The marriage failed, I didn’t. And because I worked so hard at it, I was in a good place (mentally) when it ended.
Celisea
May 17th, 2011
11:11 am
Just saying – But this is the land of the free, do your thing and quit making excuses for your own personal failure, quit referring to marriage as merely a piece of paper
Here here…the first page is a lot of whining…lol Everybody knows themselves and what you have an appetite for and incapable or capable of doing.
kimmie
May 17th, 2011
11:12 am
SCool – You are steaming! What does one say after somebody makes a comment like that? I was flabbergasted! That’s one of the reasons I’m having a small intimate wedding out of town. Otherwise, I think I may end up saying something to hurt somebody’s feelings, not that some folk care about mine!!
Celisea
May 17th, 2011
11:14 am
I won’t get into the subject of “religious” but really abc it’s choice. Either you believe or not. No debate no refuting, no trying to disprove or disannul. As easy as you can believe there were dinasours or man existed before the time of the Bible, you can choose to believe or not the Word of God. It’s simple.
Celisea
May 17th, 2011
11:15 am
I was saying abc is right in that “believing” is a choice.
abc
May 17th, 2011
11:15 am
Muslims, Jews and Christians supposedly all worship the same God. They differ in who is to be considered Abraham’s first son, Isaac or Ishmael; and whether Jesus is the Messiah. Otherwise, it’s pretty much the same story.
Buddhists, Hindus? Multi-armed purple folks with 3rd eyes and all. Their stories are completely different. To Abramaic religions, God’s word certainly trumps those.
kimmie
May 17th, 2011
11:15 am
Marriage is serious business. I cannot stand it being referred to as just a piece of paper. It is not. I also cannot stand it being referred to as outdated. Outdated by whom – who dates things?
Blackfoote
May 17th, 2011
11:19 am
Kimmie you have my support go ahead have your day and enjoy it. If stats and dates are driving people to be afraid to marry then so be it. You and DB make perfect sense it is not complicated. Although I’m not married any more I will never say never to it. abc, “just me” was on you like a tick sucking blood. I don’t think you were trying to change anybodys mind.
SexyCool
May 17th, 2011
11:22 am
The point at which you get married, your relationship should be in its healthiest state ever.
If it’s not, then you need to figure out how to get it healthy, learn how to keep it healthy and determine if you have the knowledge and willingness to nurse it back to health during the times when it may be ailing or injured.
Been There...No Thanks
May 17th, 2011
11:23 am
Marriage is forever and forever isn’t easy. For everyone who is Christian, if you pick and choose what you want to follow and live by according to the Bible, you need to really check yourself before making others follow what the Bible says.
I’m Catholic. I sin. I don’t go to church every Sunday. I don’t follow everything in the Bible myself. But I DON’T get on anyone’s case to read and follow what the good book says because I don’t do it myself. I doubt that a lot of you either, but I’ll admit I’m just guessing.
Fion
May 17th, 2011
11:27 am
I certainly wasn’t looking for a theological debate this morning, but I do have a comment or 5 for the Guys.
Men Folk you wanna hear it, here it go.
The Moral fiber of a Man’s life is and should be Transcendent.
Under what Authority does your Honor, Morality and Integrity operate. If there is no Authority, then it is self determined and subject to change per condition, circumstance. Therefore it is rendered invalid and mute!
No more than an opinion without Authority.
IF you take a Wife, under what Authority do you do so? Under what intentions do you remove her from her house?
What Accountability do you have for her. What Responsibility do you have for her?
Do you not have Any at all Sir? I say not, but rather the contrary.
I argue that it is this very Authority that Calls you to Accountability and Responsibility for without it Sir you are left with Your own self destructive nature.
Mrs. Tazzee
May 17th, 2011
11:30 am
I just celebrated my one year anniversary and I must say I love being married. Sure, it’s only been one year but I’m taking it day by day – and on this day, I wouldn’t trade him for the world.
The funny thing is – when we met, I was the one that was waffling on marriage. After his first marriage, I’m surprised he wanted to do it again. I’m glad he did and I’m glad I said yes.
I’ve never been in a relationship where one party wanted marriage and the other didn’t – they never got that far – not until I got married, LOL. I’m not sure what I would do or advise. If marriage is important to you, you can’t deny yourself that. And if your mate doesn’t want to get married, you can’t force them. Either way, someone will have regrets.
I must say that I’m glad I waited until I learned me before I got married. If I had gotten married in my 20’s, early 30’s – it would have been much harder because I was still trying to figure out who I was.
I LOVE BEING MARRIED!!!
Purple Rain
May 17th, 2011
11:33 am
If you are not the marrying type that that needs to be stated before things get to deep. I often wonder what vows athiest take when they get married. Is it the same one that “christians” take?
czBrat
May 17th, 2011
11:33 am
I cannot stand it being referred to as just a piece of paper.
exactly, kimmie! many people think that if you love each other and want to be together then getting married (or not) makes no difference. it’s just a legality. and as long as they pair up with like-minded folk, that’s fine. personally, i believe marriage does change things … so i’ll not take those vows again unless it’s with someone who feels the same.
Mrs. Tazzee
May 17th, 2011
11:33 am
Oh and I got married for under $1,000. The honeymoon? Well that’s a different story
cba
May 17th, 2011
11:38 am
DB @ 10:11, very well stated….I’m giving you a standing O
Dan - Simply....Superior
May 17th, 2011
11:39 am
@Mrs. Tazzee
I’m really not a fan of your’s right now – no one needs to hear about you getting married for under $1K, okay?
#payingforyourownweddingsucks
Bikerboy
May 17th, 2011
11:40 am
I’ve been married 8 years and I will say this and this is not gender specific…this is in general for male and female.. You literally have to die to yourself in order for your marriage to live..in other words you have to literally lose your sense of self in order to love your spouse better.. Think about that…(for Christians) in the same sense that Jesus died for us to live.. that’s what marriage is…Unless you are mature enough spiritually and mentally you have no business getting married because anyone can “fall in love” but somebody tell/show me how to stay there….
Lovely Brown
May 17th, 2011
11:40 am
I’m Catholic. I sin. I don’t go to church every Sunday. I don’t follow everything in the Bible myself. But I DON’T get on anyone’s case to read and follow what the good book says because I don’t do it myself. I doubt that a lot of you either, but I’ll admit I’m just guessing
Love this!!!