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Why do you need marriage?

I don’t think that anyone should be talked into marriage.  If you don’t want to marry, you definitely should not do it.  You know what you want, right? So ..I don’t understand why people try to convince people who do want to be married, that they are wrong for wanting to get married.

A couple I know have been together for a couple of years and one of them decided that marriage is not what he wants.  This is causing quite a dilemma now because he wants to convince his significant other that being together should be enough.

What do you do when you realize that your views about marriage has changed since you first started dating someone? How do you explain the reason you want and need to get married?

A lot of people change their outlook on something, but when that has an impact on the person you are with, how do you figure out what to do next?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

299 comments Add your comment

Mark

May 17th, 2011
7:47 am

ASB

May 17th, 2011
8:01 am

Yes, I am currently in a relationship where my partner feels that just being together should be enough and we don’t need a piece of paper to validate us. However, I want to be married. We have two children and have been together for years.

How are we going to work things out? I don’t know. I am not one to give an ultimatum because I would always feel I wasn’t his choice. When I walk away, it will be the end.

Reality

May 17th, 2011
8:06 am

Oh for the love of all that is sane and holy…..do NOT ever get married! You will look back and curse that day for the rest of your life!

Al

May 17th, 2011
8:13 am

Al: Why in the world to you want to get married to Marci?

Ron: Because we’ve been together for a while and I think it’s what we should do.

Al: OK, take old man Roberts for example (points towards a feeble, wrinkled, old man at a table talking to himself and shaking). He had it made. Women, parties, EVERYTHING. Then one day, he decided to get married and have kids. Now look at him.

Ron: Well he looks like he had lived a long, wonderful life full of decades of love.

Al: He’s thirty two…..

MzNewy

May 17th, 2011
8:25 am

LOL @ Al

Marriage is something that shouldn’t be taken lightly but if one of the partners has a “change of heart” about getting married but still wants to stay together, that warrants a discussion. Something he/she has seen makes them say “nu-uh marriage is not what I want” and it may have nothing to do with the significant other. It may be a relationship gone bad that he/she witnessed.

MzNewy

May 17th, 2011
8:26 am

O happy Tuesday! I hate I missed a great topic yesterday

Lady

May 17th, 2011
8:35 am

@MzNewy~Marriage is something that shouldn’t be taken lightly <~ WORD UP!

Cameron Diaz

May 17th, 2011
8:38 am

Marriage is SO outdated and not really applicable in today’s world.

MzNewy

May 17th, 2011
8:43 am

@ Lady – girl when I was younger I wanted so bad to be married, yet all my friends that got married young are divorced with the exception of a small handful. When I really sat down and thought about those vows, I can honestly say I am glad I didn’t get married because until now, I never felt I wanted to REALLY do those things. In sickness and in health is really deep; I mean really while folks don’t want to think about it, you are saying no matter what I will be there for him/her and that is not just a bad cold but God forbid it be something that requires you to truly take care of them like cancer or paralysis. For Better or for worst is not just a bad hair day. I think if folks REALLY think about what those vows entail, we would have folks less likely to give ultimatums of Marry me or else.

I want a man who understands what those vows are all about and truly takes them to heart. Wise said if someone changes their mind how do you figure out what to do next…well it starts with saying “Thank you for being honest that you can’t stick with me in spite of any circumstances. I would rather find out now, before I encounter the circumstances than later when I am in the midst of those circumstances.” Then you breathe, and move on.

Fion

May 17th, 2011
8:43 am

If you are Procreating (having children) IMHO marriage is not an option, but rather a necessity.
If he is 65 and she is 60, does it really matter If they are married.

Stacey

May 17th, 2011
8:45 am

Marriage is just not necessary. It’s outdated. Looking back, I would not have done it.

Rightwing Troll

May 17th, 2011
8:55 am

From a man’s perspective, I say don’t get married. Shack up and make babies, but don’t get married. That way if and when it does end you won’t lose half (or more) of all you’ve worked for… you’ll lose the kids regardless in the state of GA. It seems having a penis only qualifies you to write checks, not raise kids according to the conservative courts of GA.

Lovely Brown

May 17th, 2011
8:58 am

This is a very interesting topic.

I want to see some more responses before I chime in…..

Good Morning Everyone! :-)

Fion

May 17th, 2011
9:03 am

Wise on topic,
Holla at ya Girl and tell her Ol’ Boy just did her the BIGGEST FAVOR of her life.
If, (operative Word “IF”) they have talked about this in the past and it was agreed that a Marriage Union was the Destination and now he has changed his mind, what else does she really need to know.

Fion

May 17th, 2011
9:05 am

Aye man,
Marriage ain’t for the faint of heart. If you cannot see yourself Loving someone
Unconditionally, leave it alone.

Just sayin’

Leggs

May 17th, 2011
9:09 am

Good morning! This is going to be interesting.

:lol: :lol: @AI. Cute!

When one party changes their mind toward marriage and the other doesn’t, nothing but trouble and a slew of second guessing. If a person wants to be married and the other doesn’t, then you’ll either settle into living together or get out. If you feel there’s no room for compromise, then why make yourself miserable by living with a decision that goes against the grain of what you want. You either stay or you leave (even if kids are involved). You have to think of the children, along with your desire to be married to someone who doesn’t want to be married.

Simple Man.....

May 17th, 2011
9:10 am

Morning folks….

Getting married is not the end all to be all…especially when two people have a successful relationship without it. Now I know some of our more religious family will us the biblical argument for marriage but IMO, That too is a dated concept that folks us to justify their choices without having to really own them…..

chez04

May 17th, 2011
9:11 am

Marraige is a stressful situation for soem; Two people can outgrow each other and that is what most fail to realize. On the other hand, some will stay in these situations because of fianncial reasons – that is if either one has a good job. Marriage could be but is not the answer to two people living together and understading each other. Protocol “back in the day” is marriage but not in today’s contemporary world. Many wish they couyld turn back the hands of time and be single – but yet they stay in these marriages as they are not happy with 50% sharing. What more can I say?

chez04

May 17th, 2011
9:14 am

Marraige is a stressful situation for some; Two people can outgrow each other and that is what most fail to realize. On the other hand, some will stay in these situations because of financial reasons – that is if either one has a good job or moreso the wife sits at home and look at the TV all day…..she will not leave a marriage. Marriage could be but is not the answer to two people living together and understading each other. Protocol “back in the day” it was all about marriage but not in today’s contemporary world. Many wish they could turn back the hands of time and be single again – but yet they stay in these marriages as they are not happy with 50% sharing. What more can I say?

tbills

May 17th, 2011
9:15 am

I am glad I waited until I was older to get married and gave myself the opportunity to travel, get an advanced degree, be independent. Marriage is a blessing and hard work and should not be entered into lightly,

chez04

May 17th, 2011
9:16 am

Tbills – that is what I am talking about – get an education so you do not need to stay in a maraige because you do not have a good job…………way to go!!

blue-eyed-blonde

May 17th, 2011
9:18 am

Good Morning Bloggers! After being in a very rocky marriage and even worse divorce I swore I’d never marry again….aind I haven’t. But not sure if I would back down if I really fell for someone and he wanted marriage. I think I really just crave the companionship but if it was that important to him I would probably go the marriage route again.

Mr_NYC

May 17th, 2011
9:24 am

Good Morning All
@Simple Man – That too is a dated concept that folks us to justify their choices without having to really own them…..
Great point, my jury is still out on this question. I appreciate that nuance of making a choice and not really having to own the logic leading up to it.
DISCLAIMER – No offense to any intended

Lovely Brown

May 17th, 2011
9:46 am

On the other hand, some will stay in these situations because of financial reasons – that is if either one has a good job or moreso the wife sits at home and look at the TV all day…..she will not leave a marriage.

Some do stay married for financial reasons, just like some people stay single for the same reason.

I guess the part that got me about your comment is the wife staying home watching tv…..

That is str-8 BS. I was a SAHM( stay at home mom) and believe me sitting on my ass watching tv was not a part of any of my days. I think about those days and I smile when I come to work now :-)

Also, you do know that there are more men, husbands at home now than ever before. I would not dare say they are all sitting on their asses watching TV……

Been There...No Thanks

May 17th, 2011
9:50 am

Bottom line…MARRIAGE IS HARD! No matter how compatible, no matter the amount of love, no matter how many years you’ve been together. MARRIAGE IS HARD! Expectations are high. Exepectations are not met. People get bored. And it’s hard to breathe life back into a relationship after so many years of being together. The concept of marriage is great. But people, including ,myself, mess it up.

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 17th, 2011
9:52 am

Last point first: if I’m with someone to share this life’s journey with, I wouldn’t expect them to follow suit with every change in thought process or conclusion that I come to; however, I would expect them to respect my changes and understand them.

One commenter already spoke about “growing apart”, that happens (IMO) when people are communicating and respecting each others decisions. If I suddenly become vegan, I’m not asking my girl to become vegan too, I’m merely asking her to respect and understand my choice.

“Growing apart” presupposes that people grow “together” over the years, and that’s not true. You would hope to grow closer in love as two distinct individuals as opposed to some hive-minded hybrid of the two people that entered into a relationship.

Bottom line: healthy and respectful conflict isn’t a bad thing (in life or a relationship)

Leggs

May 17th, 2011
9:53 am

And it’s hard to breathe life back into a relationship after so many years of being together.

↑ Only if you haven’t been working at keeping it fresh everyday of the marriage. Marriage is something that has to worked at religiously. You can’t let it fall into the hole of boredom! You should spice it up every day, all the time. Even little things goes a long way. When you start taking it for granted, that’s when you find resuscitation efforts have flatlined….

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 17th, 2011
9:54 am

when people *are not communicating

abc

May 17th, 2011
9:54 am

Marriage is a Christian institution. If you can’t be as Ephesians 5 describes, then don’t do it. If you don’t marry, and shack up instead, then you’re living in sin. Be a Christian, or don’t be a Christian, it’s your choice.

R.New

May 17th, 2011
9:56 am

I think most avoid the “piece of paper” because they fear it will complicate their ability to just simply leave if that need ever arises. If you can argue that you’re just as fine without the paper, then why wouldn’t you be with the paper? The fact of the matter is it’s not just a piece of paper. It legally binds you to that person who you claim to love and will be there for no matter what. It essentially calls your bluff. Now, of course you could still leave, but matters would be a bit more complicated.

R.New

May 17th, 2011
9:57 am

@abc-well put.

Leggs

May 17th, 2011
9:58 am

@R.New ~ well said!

Leo

May 17th, 2011
10:02 am

Hmm. What about the ego aspect of a partner changing their mind or someone you love not asking you to marry them after a long period of time? Would you not be thinking about your lover’s motives and thoughts, like maybe they’re thinking “you’ll do until something better comes along?” or “you just ain’t the one?” etc…they may say they just don’t want to get married but you can make your mouth say anything,it’s what’s in the heart that counts….Would you start wondering what’s really in their hearts….?

Simple Man.....

May 17th, 2011
10:04 am

“If you don’t marry, and shack up instead, then you’re living in sin.”

As defined by who???

Lovely Brown

May 17th, 2011
10:09 am

R.New @ 9:56- good post!

Bill Clinton

May 17th, 2011
10:09 am

I’m looking for some hot interns. Send me an email if you’re interested…but, be sure include a photo.

just me

May 17th, 2011
10:10 am

@ abc

Really? Marriage is a Christian institution? The bible isn’t a replacement for a history book.

Leggs

May 17th, 2011
10:10 am

@Leo ~ I almost posted something along those lines, but wanted to wait until the conversation moved along. What about after ending the relationship because he or she wouldn’t marry the person only to find that they married someone else a few months later. What a low blow!

abc

May 17th, 2011
10:10 am

As defined by the Bible. What other authority on sin is there?

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 17th, 2011
10:11 am

@Leo

That’s where knowing your partner comes into play. And, yeap, the ego and one’s insecurity will lead to those questions.

Again, talking to and knowing the person you’re dealing with helps. However, you get to that line in the sand and they aren’t able to cross it with you, that tells you something too.

Jessie Jackson

May 17th, 2011
10:11 am

African-American women know they will not get men to commit; consequently, they enable several brothers to share several sisters without commitment.

DB

May 17th, 2011
10:11 am

Marriage is hard — but infinitely easier with the right person. Pick someone who has a sense of honor, a sense of family and a sense of purpose, and it’s much easier than marriage with someone who is only thinking of what’s best for them, and how this relationship is going to work for “me, me, me”. When you become part of a marriage, it becomes “what’s best for US”, not “what’s best for me”.

I find it hilarious that people choose to live together before marriage to see “if they can get along.” Wasn’t that what “dating” was for? Date someone long enough, and you can pretty much zero in on the things that bother you or don’t bother you. How she is with finances, how is he with children, etc.,etc. Pretending to be married is NOT the same thing as being married. There’s a mindset — “I can always leave” — but as many people on this blog can attest, it’s often just as hard to leave a long-term partner as it is to ditch the spouse, by the time you finish arguing over who really owns the sofa, who does the dog love best, and that amazing picture you bought in Italy . . . Marriage is a commitment. Living together is not — in fact, it’s designed NOT to be a commitment.

The only people who think that marriage is “outdated” are the ones who haven’t been able to make a go of it. Obviously, there’s something wrong with the institution of marriage — it can’t possibly be something wrong with them, or the partners they choose. Riiiight . . .

just me

May 17th, 2011
10:13 am

@ abc

So Christians get married and non-Christians i.e. Buddhists, Muslims, Jews….. what? A civil union?

abc

May 17th, 2011
10:13 am

Just Me, yes, of course marriage is a Christian institution, an invention of God. There is no other definition for it. Legal arrangements concocted by man are only that: legal arrangements, civil unions. Marriage is defined by the Bible.

Fion

May 17th, 2011
10:17 am

@Jessie Jackson

That has nothing to do the Institution of Marriage. You are taking about Hoe’s!

just me

May 17th, 2011
10:18 am

abc

May 17th, 2011
10:18 am

Jewish marriage is also defined by the Bible. Buddhists, Muslims, Hindus, Wiccas, Sun God worshippers, hey, whatever. That’s just barely germane to the topic, but have at it if you wish.

Lovely Brown

May 17th, 2011
10:18 am

Leggs- that happened to my aunt. She supported him for years( even while he was incarcerated), they have a grown daughter together but never married. He married another chick. My aunt was devastated. She tried to act like she wasn’t. Oh, he and the chick are separated now and we all think that my aunt and him are messing around again( I don’t think they ever stopped)

Love ?????

just me

May 17th, 2011
10:20 am

Jewish marriage is also defined by the bible? Nice.

Again, church isn’t a replacement for school.

abc

May 17th, 2011
10:21 am

Be a Christian or don’t be, just me. Be anything you want. It’s your choice.