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Dating debate: Do we expect too much?

Every so often I have to remind some of my guy friends that women aren’t mannequins.  Our hair sheds and can clog your sink. We burp on occasion.  We have bad days. It’s a part of being a living breathing creature.

We all have those silly expectations and I think that we can set ourselves up for failure and disappointment, especially in relationships.  I don’t believe that you should expect someone to fill every single need and desire you have.

You will only be disappointed because someone can’t live up to your impossible standards. Do you think we are holding out for relationships that are unrealistic? I wonder how much fantasy and how much “reality” exist in our expectations.

I think most reasonable people just want mutual love and respect. Everything else will work itself out if two people decide they want to be with one another.

I am not naive to think that love conquers all, but do we expect too much from relationships? Are they supposed to make us happy and fulfilled or do you think that is something you do for yourself?

TGIF!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

232 comments Add your comment

MzNewy

May 13th, 2011
7:26 am

You have to be a happy fulfilled person FIRST. The two become one not two halves make a whole and I think that is the major downfall of some when it comes to relationships. Some of us have a warped sense of what a relationship is and we are repeatedly disappointed when it doesn’t meet our expectations.

Happy Friday!!!

MzNewy

May 13th, 2011
7:32 am

Ahhh and something just popped in my mind.

Remember when Jerry Maguire said “You complete me”? I think it should be “You compliment the completed me.”

Lately I have been doing some reflecting. It’s during these quiet reflections that I realize I am so much better for the heartaches, the hiccups, the hurdles and the hills. I needed those hurdles to stretch me, to make me a better me. I needed to realize that at the end of the day, until I belonged to and loved me, I COULDN’T love anyone else.

Angel

May 13th, 2011
7:47 am

In dating, I have come realize that there is a such thing as beautiful imperfections…the battle for me will be won or lost on the basis of compatibility.

Lovely Brown

May 13th, 2011
8:11 am

Good Morning and Happy Friday!

MzNewy and Angel y’all are on it :-)

Bill Clinton

May 13th, 2011
8:26 am

No one has ever accused me of setting my standards too high.
Everyone know what to expect from me on a “date”. :)

MzNewy

May 13th, 2011
8:30 am

@ Lovely…Good morning! :) Happy Firday. It came from experience. Now by no means am I saying folks should do away with their “Deal Breaker” list. But examine it and make sure you aren’t an imperfection seeking perfection you are not willing to give. ;)

blue-eyed-blonde

May 13th, 2011
8:45 am

Good Morning!!! Hope all of Blogville has a GREAT Friday!

@MzNewy you are spot on!! If we don’t love ourselves how do we expect others to love us. We all have imperfections….goodness knows I put the fun in dysfunctional but as long as we don’t take ourselves too seriously and accept ourselves and others for who we are, we will be just fine.

Lovely Brown

May 13th, 2011
8:48 am

make sure you aren’t an imperfection seeking perfection you are not willing to give

I love this!
Like Lyfe Jennings said, Don’t be a nickel looking for a dime ;-)

Simple Man.....

May 13th, 2011
8:48 am

Morning All!!! TGIF and looking forward to a weekend IN NYC~~~

On Topic….Might get blasted for this, But I think in alot of cases women go into relationships expecting to much, especially in the early stages….Most guys are Ok allowing a relationship to develope at a natural pace…women it seems are ready to go from initial commitment to the alter in 4.6 seconds….

blue-eyed-blonde

May 13th, 2011
8:49 am

Morning Simple Man: Let me be the first to blast your theory….I know you said “in a lot of cases”
but I am just the opposite….I like to take it one day at a time and not rush into anything. I’ve found that rushing into things usually puts me in deep do do.

Lovely Brown

May 13th, 2011
8:56 am

Simple Man- at one time I would agree with you, but from speaking regularly with my sister and other single sistah-friends…men just seem much more willing to go ‘there’ faster now than back when I was single.

SlimUno

May 13th, 2011
8:56 am

Don’t be a nickel looking for a dime

Who, with some level of decent self-esteem, would look at themselves as a nickel?

Lovely Brown

May 13th, 2011
9:00 am

Who, with some level of decent self-esteem, would look at themselves as a nickel?

LOL! True, but there are some nickels running around that do not know they are nickels….and I am not talking about looks.

Simple Man.....

May 13th, 2011
9:04 am

Lovely and Blue-eyez….I feel what you ladies as saying, but I read theis blog daily (even when I can’t / don’t shime in) and I often hear women making an issue out of guys not being willing to commit, or expecting physical favors without being exclusive…. My point being and it may not apply to you ladies, but woman generally feel a greater desire to be in a commited relationship than men…Not saying its good, or bad.. Just kinda the way it is…..

SlimUno

May 13th, 2011
9:11 am

Simple Man – You may have a point about women being more ‘relationship-minded or wanting a commited relationship”. You state that many ladies are not enjoying the slow simmer of a developing courtship. However, I have no problem allowing things to simmer and develop at a steady pace, but I think we don’t want you guys to get complacent with it and not want to continue to progress INTO something more meaningful or serious. Let’s face it, there are probably far more dating/courtships going on than there are actual commited relationships these days.

blue-eyed-blonde

May 13th, 2011
9:11 am

@Simple – I hear ya…but I think most women (at least me) proceed based on past experiences. I think if you’ve been burned you tend to go a little slower and tread a little more carefully. Maybe men do also, can’t speak for y’all.

czBrat

May 13th, 2011
9:23 am

HiYas

my expectations are both high and non-existent. let me explain. when it comes to a forever mate, i expect (what some might consider to be) quite a lot … honest, respectful, spiritual, handsome, funny, financially sound, responsible, easy going to name a few. but i don’t go into a new relationship expecting the guy to actually measure up. this is probably why i’m seldom disappointed. instead, i’m able to enjoy him for who he is and not lament that we’re not a “perfect match”.

as for happiness and fulfillment … i come with my own inner peace, joy, happiness, accomplishments and general satisfaction. s/o and i are a great complement to one another in these aspects, and we also ADD to one another the longer we’re together.

Leggs

May 13th, 2011
9:31 am

Good morning!

MsNewy/Angel/b.e.b/SlimUno/Lovely Brown – all of you are putting it down this morning.

And, I agree, there are plenty of nickels walking around that don’t realize they’re a nickel. This may be all well and good because everyone should have a healthy dosage of self-esteem.

In dating, my expectation is that you treat me with respect and I’ll do the same for you. All else will fall into place.

Raqi V

May 13th, 2011
9:36 am

I remember saying a couple of years back on here that my husband makes me comfortable. I am comfortable with him. And for that statement a male on here tried to call me out but I stuck to still to stay with what I said. Yes I am happy with my husband but I don’t depend on him to make me happy. But he does give me comfort.

I can say for those, IMO, that are waiting it out for that one person that will never upset them, never anger them and/or never disappoint them they have unrealistic expectation. Also expecting eternal never declining elation is an expectation that is unrealistic. That loving feeling is like hormones, in fact it is just hormones, it rises and falls. Love however on the other is constant when it exists. When the love is there it holds steadfast when you are loving your mate as well as when you aren’t liking them so well at that moment.

There will always be bad hair days, morning breath and stench and noise of bodily functions. There will be those days when your mate sticks their foot in the mouth in the midst of a gathering embarrassing you and themselves royally.

And honestly, it is not your date’s or mate’s duty to entertain you. Hire a band if you want to be entertained. People boggle my mind making statements like the person they were dating did not stimulate their mind. Yeah stimulation is all good but dang what part are you playing in the matter? Who are you that you get to sit back and have a jester dance on your stage. Get up there and dance too. In other words, Be that ideal mate that you are looking for in another.

blue-eyed-blonde

May 13th, 2011
9:41 am

@Raqi V – I love your post!! You got it exactly right…and comfortable is a wonderful feeling.

blue-eyed-blonde

May 13th, 2011
9:43 am

Oh and BTW, morning Leggs. Decided to keep posting, I got some good feedback yesterday. Thanks.

SlimUno

May 13th, 2011
9:50 am

Raqi – The Beau told me he feels comfortable and stress free around me. So with your post, I suppose that’s a good thing.

Raqi V

May 13th, 2011
9:51 am

Leggs, I agree. There a many things that we want and look for but the things that I expect in order for a relationship to existing are love and respect.

I explained my statement of “comfortable” with my husband once to an ex coworker. My husband looks for me to love him, respect him and be myself with him. That’s what I am most comfortable doing. Being myself, loving the one I love and respecting the one I respect. He places no undue burdens on me to be something or someone I am not so I find comfort in being with him. I can be me, flaws and all. And am the same with him.

Celisea

May 13th, 2011
9:53 am

Simple Man – but I read theis blog daily (even when I can’t / don’t shime in) and I often hear women making an issue out of guys not being willing to commit, or expecting physical favors without being exclusive.

It’s not about trying to commit too early or even making someone commit at all. Women of substance are fully aware that it’s about setting standards…FOR YOURSELF….NOTHING TO DO WITH A MAN. As soon as (some) men come to understand a woman’s decision to not accept any ole thing because you said so or you think we should or that’s how you do it, is strictly about standards, the sooner you’ll get it. If you come with honorable intentions, it will make sense but if you’re hiding behind “no commitment” because you want to have your cake and eat it too then, umm yeah, it will always appear somesone’s trying to bamboozle you into a commitment. And being willing to give you physical favors knowing you’re making rounds ain’t exactly favorable. Who does that anyway?

MzNewy

May 13th, 2011
9:56 am

@ blue eyez — You are right we all have a level of dysfunction and we need to learn how to laugh at ourselves.

Life is to be lived. I look for joy instead of happiness because happiness depends on something HAPPENING. :)

@ Simple – I am not in your “some” category, but I used to be. It comes back to the fairy tales we were told as little girls, believing that it is just supposed to be instantaneous with no effort. After living life awhile, then and only then do we realize anything worth having is worth working and WAITING for…. :)

TGIF Leggs, Raqi and the crew.

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 13th, 2011
9:58 am

@Cel

There are standards and there are brick walls, the key is deciding which you’re (not you personally, the nebulous “you”) standing on.

Oh, and “women of substance” – stop playing

Raqi V

May 13th, 2011
9:58 am

Slim, exactly. The male that tried to call me out on here wanted to make it be a bad thing, but being with someone that does not inflict emotional and mental anguish on you nor keeps you walking on eggshell is priceless. This person is not always criticizing and complaining about everything. You can actually be at ease with them yet still bring your “A” game 100%

Leggs

May 13th, 2011
10:00 am

TGIF and don’t even think about it being Friday the 13th (lol).

Glad you decided to return b.e.b!

Women of substance are fully aware that it’s about setting standards…FOR YOURSELF….NOTHING TO DO WITH A MAN

Right on point!

MzNewy

May 13th, 2011
10:00 am

@ Slim RE; your 9:11 post, I was thinking about your simmer comment and related it to cooking. You know alot of men tend to want to have several pots (dating relationships) simmering at once, because they are not sure exactly what they want. Then it seems they will only give attention to the pot that is boiling over (the one that demands they do better)….while expecting the rest to continue to simmer.

czBrat

May 13th, 2011
10:05 am

LOL @ slim. yeah. i would agree that “comfortable and stress free” is definitely a good thing. :wink:

alot of men tend to want to have several pots (dating relationships) simmering at once, because they are not sure exactly what they want.
a lot of women do that too.

SlimUno

May 13th, 2011
10:05 am

MzNewy – Just because you are on simmer mode in getting to know someone, doesn’t mean that you cannot demand or push the SO to do better. A boiling pot doesn’t necessarily constitute a better dish/meal…the longer a pot boils over, the less substance is actually left until it dwindles down to some nasty scorched remnants of what once was. ;-)

Celisea

May 13th, 2011
10:05 am

Oh morning….Expecting too much? Depends. Some people expect something for nothing. I expect NOTHING from anyone as it relates to my happiness. I got that covered. I expect from you that whatever you’re wanting out of it that you’re willing to invest.

Fion

May 13th, 2011
10:07 am

@ Celisea

From a point of Conversation, not Confrontation.

…..so now that the STANDARD (female) is set. What can the Gentleman expect to WIN for meeting that requirement and exceeding it?

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 13th, 2011
10:07 am

@McNew

Um, your cooking analogy (while nice) is slightly flawed.

I’ll let a pot of water boil over and burn the pot. What I will pay attention to is the sauce I created as it simmers and taste it sporadically to ensure the flavors are interacting the way that I want them too.

Point is, demanding attention and being worthy of it are two very different things.

Leggs

May 13th, 2011
10:10 am

@MsNewy ~ that boiling pot reminds me of a guy I was dating who was dating 2 other women at the same time. Sure, once I got wind of it I ended the relationship, but the one that boiled over and demanded his attention got him to marry her. He’s been in a hot bed of mess ever since, now filing for divorce. It’s not always prudent to pay attention to the one boiling over with demands!

SlimUno

May 13th, 2011
10:10 am

Dan – Exactly what I was trying to say in my 10:05 ;-)

Simple Man.....

May 13th, 2011
10:10 am

Celisea, I never said nor implied that women were trying to Bamboozle men into anything..In fact for the sake of this discussion, I am assuming that all parties involved are sincere and unfront….Tha being said, my point was never about a woman having standards..In fact Standard should be a givin….I was specifically refering to expectation regarding time, And i stand by that…Women have much greater awareness of time in relationships…Guys…Not so much…

Lovely Brown

May 13th, 2011
10:10 am

When the love is there it holds steadfast when you are loving your mate as well as when you aren’t liking them so well at that moment.- RaqiV

This is the truth right here. If I always had to like my husband or even looked for him to make me happy all the time….I would not be married for 15 years.

There is no one on this earth that is going to live up to all your expectations….not saying that to say that you have to setttle for anything, but if you go into a relationship thinking that another human being is going to be your everything you want at all times, you are setting yourself up for failure.

Celisea

May 13th, 2011
10:10 am

Dan – There are standards and there are brick walls, the key is deciding which you’re (not you personally, the nebulous “you”) standing on.

Honestly, men that want something for nothing will NEVER understand “standards.”

and for this…..

Oh, and “women of substance” – stop playing

You slay me

Laid Back White Guy

May 13th, 2011
10:12 am

Being comfy is an AMAZING thing!!

Celisea

May 13th, 2011
10:12 am

Fion – …..so now that the STANDARD (female) is set. What can the Gentleman expect to WIN for meeting that requirement and exceeding it?

No confrontation at all :) A gentlemen that’s doing all the right thing will have all his little heart’s desire. Women may be emotional and erractic (AS MEN SO OFTEN CLAIM), but nothing a woman won’t do or no mile she’s not willing to go if you come right.

Leggs

May 13th, 2011
10:14 am

Being comfy and stress free is even more amazing!

Celisea

May 13th, 2011
10:17 am

Off topic: Moving day is upon us…we have orange crates EVERYWHERE. Currently there’s about 4 cubicles on this floor….everything and everyone pretty much sit in a office. NO MORE OFFICES…just a few on the new floor. While everything is all nice shiny and stainless steel (frige, dishwasher and microwave) and all glass (some frosted) and cherry wood cubicles….THEY ARE CUBES. Small, tight and neighbors everywhere. But, I have a job, thanks to the good Lord so I won’t complain. Oh, and I’m waiting for UPS to bring me my money :)

Celisea

May 13th, 2011
10:17 am

“an” office

Raqi V

May 13th, 2011
10:17 am

Let’s not confuse being comfortable with being lazy and allowing someone to be lazy. LOL That’s is definitely not how it should be going down.

If you don’t expect something you leave yourself open to get nothing. However we need to be realistic in what’s feasible and/or reasonable and what’s just being narcissistic.

Chink

May 13th, 2011
10:18 am

I kind of brought this up yesterday. Expectations is where I need some constant training. At the same time I can eliminate “expectations” by pulling back. I just hate being diappointed but it happens.

“Someone that does not inflict emotional and mental anguish on you nor keeps you walking on eggshell is priceless”

I wonder whose fault is that? I used to think it’s the Perp but it could very well be the Victim also. Because really you are letting that person do that to you! Or you are receiving it that way meaning that may not be their intent but thats how you processed it.

abc

May 13th, 2011
10:18 am

The topic and responses remind me of a couple of funny quotes.

“The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.”

“The lie is the basic building block of good manners. That may seem mildly shocking to a moralist – but then what isn’t?”

Raqi V

May 13th, 2011
10:18 am

How did I my comment get upped 2 minutes when I just sent it at 10:19.

Celisea

May 13th, 2011
10:18 am

We’re going green :( Boooo

Leggs

May 13th, 2011
10:19 am

@Celisea ~ your post reminded me of Ghost Town DJ’s hit “My Boo” – If you can come correct with your game…my love will come easy!