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Breakups: Another again

Have you ever been in one of those situationships – you know a situation trying to resemble an actual relationship?  Let me tell you, it blows.  Somehow you have managed to break up and reunite more times than you want to admit.

Why do we do it? The better question is, how do we stop doing it?

What do you do when you are no good together and you are miserable when you are apart? It’s like being stuck on a roller coaster ride that makes you sick and anxious, yet excited at some point.

What is the best way to break up with someone who you have unsuccessfully tried to part from in the past?

How do you cope with the aftermath and the void that the crazy roller coaster feeling leaves?

I know it’s been said that the best way to get over someone is getting under someone else, but how effective is that? Seriously, I’m going to need statistics and pie charts because I’m not convinced!

By Wise Diva Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

169 comments Add your comment

Randyt (aka lock the door behind you and hide the key from yourself)

May 12th, 2011
6:36 am

I suspect that most couples will break up at least once, even if they really do care. That said, if someone continues a pattern of breaking up (either of you), get out and move on. Why put yourselves through that emotional rollercoaster just because you got a little lonely or have an itch in your pants.

If there was a degree of emotional depth, then one needs some time to process the feelings some or you will likely jump into a new relationship with blinders on and possibly a gaping wound that needs to at least scab over.some first (accept the fact that YOU are vulnerable). What has worked best for me is go to group settings for awhile (so I don’t mope), don’t connect beyond casual talk, and at the end of the evening reflect on whether I honestly was interested, or was comparing the new lady to my recently departed. If it is honest attraction, not comparison, then maybe move forward…but slowly, calmly, and deliberately.

My take anyway…have a great day all.

Trippin

May 12th, 2011
8:32 am

@Wise Diva – I don’t know how you do it, but your blog topics are like a real-time internet tracking of my last relationship, blow by blow

DreamsMaterialize

May 12th, 2011
9:21 am

Morning
I’ve never been involved with a woman that I was miserable without. When I’m in, I’m in; when I cut ties, I cut them all the way.

Raqi If you’re reading today, check out this ajc article. It directly addresses something you shared yesterday.
http://www.ajc.com/lifestyle/sexting-a-shadow-over-939899.html

the watch dog

May 12th, 2011
9:25 am

That is a great question. I really like it. First, I have never heard that saying” the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” I think that couples that are miserable together and miserable alone have incomplete personalities. They have matured into the individual that can never finish anything whether it is a job or a relationship. You see them all the time. They get a good topic rolling in the newsroom then let it finish with no dynamics. have to have a plan of operation. Actually relationships with boy girl are ephemeral by nature. Making more of it than is actually there leads to the angst between them.

Leggs

May 12th, 2011
9:27 am

Good day. I had a conversation similar to this topic last night with my neighbor. If I’m miserable in a relationship, I’m getting out, never to return. I do not believe in rollercoaster relationships. I don’t have the stomach for it, nor the patience!

abc

May 12th, 2011
9:27 am

I’m going to guess that the ‘miserable together/miserable apart’ thing is chick-specific.

I had a girlfriend that’d break up with me with some frequency, the miserable together and miserable apart thing. I grew weary of it and broke up with her. I was definitely not miserable being apart from her, that’s for sure. What a train wreck that chick was.

Leggs

May 12th, 2011
9:32 am

@DreamsM ~ thanks for sharing that article. I’ve printed and will give to my daughter!

Leggs

May 12th, 2011
9:34 am

@abc ~ it definitely isn’t “chick-specific.” There are many men out there that are just as miserable. They may not stay miserable as long as, as you say a “chick,” but believe me, it’s not chick-specific.

alibel

May 12th, 2011
9:39 am

“I know it’s been said that the best way to get over someone is getting under someone else”

Sounds like something out of a book on how to be totally codependent. Yikes!

Chink

May 12th, 2011
9:50 am

The rollercoaster – I don’t know how I feel about this. Sometimes a clean break is just not possible…but you should know when you have had enough!

Beenthere

May 12th, 2011
9:51 am

You’re going back because its familiar and you are not giving yourself enough time to find someone else. It takes time to move on and the HEALTHY thing to do is move on. Sincerely close the door to the old relationship. You may find yourself doing alot of alone time. Don’t be afraid of it. It is empowering to know you can be alone and like your own company until you find someone else who is a good match. This empowerment also draws healther people to you. I’ve had several friends who weren’t willing to do the time alone. They had to have some at all times, even if it wasn’t working. They ended up settling over and over with people not good for them. They are still in that vicious cycle unfortunately. Break the cycle and have a better life.

Olderandwiser49

May 12th, 2011
9:53 am

The “up and down” relationship is more than just two insecure people enabling each other. It is a signal to call it quits and walk away, no matter how much it may hurt for awhile. If such a relationship becomes permanent (i.e. marriage), the on/off aspects will not disappear. Instead, they will be replaced by an even more painful (and costly) activity – Adultery! Take it from an ex-enabler.

TenderRoni

May 12th, 2011
9:53 am

@Beenthere–Aman!!!

Leggs

May 12th, 2011
9:54 am

@Beenthere ~ the church doors have now closed! Amen, Amen!

Olderandwiser49

May 12th, 2011
9:59 am

@ Beenthere

Your post went on while I was writing mine, and just wanted to say that you are right. While break-ups might hurt, you will quickly learn that there is a great deal of difference between being lonely and being alone. Once you come to realize that fact, and find a little peace in your own company, you’ll look back at the destructive relationship in which you had been involved, and wonder why it was allowed to last so long in the first place.

Beenthere

May 12th, 2011
10:08 am

@ Olderandwiser49. Thanks. It hit home when I read your post and and specifically, “there is a great deal of difference between lonely and being alone.” Truer words have never been spoken.

M. (pronouced M dot)

May 12th, 2011
10:08 am

Good day..

“What is the best way to break up with someone who you have unsuccessfully tried to part from in the past?”

I have been through this and some people just have your number and you cant get over them. The best thing for me to do is let them fade to black, cut off all communication and dont entertain them. Its also good to do something different like travel somewhere else, buy some new clothes, etc. The key is to get your idenitiy away from them and move forward.

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 12th, 2011
10:21 am

“being lonely and being alone”

*Ding**

Thing about breakups and relationships in general is defining yourself outside of the relationship and then maintaining that idnentity throughout the relationship.

Without a strong sense of self, no relationship is going to work. I think most of the boomerang is one of two things: 1) one person trying to define themselves via the realtionship (the weaker personality); or 2) just going back with no intention of staying (the defined personality).

When you have two defined personalities, there is usually a clean break after trying to fix it.

SlimUno

May 12th, 2011
10:23 am

The Beau’s ex will not give up trying, hope or anything. She constantly calls, sends cards etc. It’s just so annoying…

Leggs

May 12th, 2011
10:34 am

@SlimUno ~ how long has she been an ex. Not that it matters. Just want to see how pitiful she is!

AmazonRed™

May 12th, 2011
10:37 am

I’m going to guess that the ‘miserable together/miserable apart’ thing is chick-specific.

Not really, it takes two to break up, and two to get back together. Rinse and repeat. :lol:

Morning all.

SlimUno

May 12th, 2011
10:39 am

Um, from what he says I think almost 2 years ago. For whatever reason, seems like she started back up around the end of last year with all this calling and stuff. She had even sent him Christmas cards with no return address, nor signed them as well as his birthday.

Audrey

May 12th, 2011
10:42 am

I have been going through this for a long time, and no, it is not specific to women. Me and my ex-husband have been on that rollercoaster for a while. Finally we divorced but still couldn’t cut the umbilical cord. And we both dove into relationships out of loneliness, which then proceeded to go bad. Truthfully, as much as it hurts sometimes it takes some alone-ness to heal. Now we are both starting to realize that after causing each other (and the rebound relationships) a lot of pain. You do have to get used to being by yourself. Period. No way around it but through it.

AmazonRed™

May 12th, 2011
10:46 am

What do you do when you are no good together and you are miserable when you are apart?

You just move on and get over it.

I had exes say they didn’t want to bring me down or make me sad when they couldn’t give me what I wanted out of a relationship. But they thing is, being without them brought me down and made me sad too. I guess that part was not their problem anymore tho. :lol:

What keeps me going is the faith that something better is in store for me because I had the strength to let a no good relationship go.

Leggs

May 12th, 2011
10:49 am

2 years…that’s a long time. I feel sorry for her pining for him like that. It’s truly sad. She’s blocking her blessings of meeting someone who’s out there just for her.

Lovely Brown

May 12th, 2011
10:49 am

olderandwiser49- your post @9:53, so true!

I believe that there are some people who enjoy the rollercoaster. Some in my family would call couples that love the rollercoaster, fight & fcuk :laugh: F&F for short. I quess in some cases, maybe IT is just that good……….

SlimUno

May 12th, 2011
10:58 am

Leggs – He said she told him, I suppose when they broke up, that she was just going to give him some space to clear his head. And I think she felt that he would decide he still wanted to be with her once the dust settled. The thing that irks me even more is that she tells lies about how I’ve been calling her leaving msgs or what not. She says, “How could you be with someone like that who does that?” She is only trying to cause strife between us because if i spend 95% of my time with him, when or why do I have a need to call and leave her messages. Yet, she has not produced a message I’ve ever left her, a number I called her from, dates or times that I allegedly called etc. He said he believes me but the mere act of her attempting to place doubt in his mind boils my blood.

kimmie

May 12th, 2011
11:00 am

Hey Gang!

Wise, you read my mind! I was thinking about a sitationship I was in that was exactly like this on my drive to work this morning. I heard the tailend of Steve Harvey’s response to a Strawberry letter and it brought this guy to mind.

We would break up, get back together, did it about 4 times. He was in the military. When we started dating he was here. He would get assignments in other places, but kept his house here where he had his mother & daughter living.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was on one of the last times he came home on a visit. He was making plans with his boys, but none with me, not even his daughter. He politely told me that when he came home, seeing me was one of his top priorities. I felt like he had stabbed me in the stomach. When he came home the next time, I made other plans when he wanted to get together. I could hear the hurt in his voice, but I was done. I broke it off for good and we never spoke again. He called me about a year later – and I was on my way out of the door for my first date with now fiance!

kimmie

May 12th, 2011
11:04 am

Ooops, meant “he said seeing me was NOT one of his top priorities”!

BIG difference!

AmazonRed™

May 12th, 2011
11:18 am

LOL. I eventually gathered that kimmie.

I love how you didn’t let his call keep you from your date. Your love story may have ended up quite differently!

blue-eyed-blonde

May 12th, 2011
11:19 am

I’ ve been a reader for some time but never posted….but today is so relevent I decided to share. Just ended a year long relationship for those very reasons…like the Katy Perry song, hot/cold, up/down, in/out. I just couldn’t handle it anymore but am still depressed and mising him so much I can hardly breathe and feel like no one will ever “get” me like he did. Roller coaster relationships are definitely hazardous to your health and in a sense I have a feeling of relief and at the same time missing him.
Is that crazy or what????

Chink

May 12th, 2011
11:35 am

Blue Eyed..

Thats why I don’t think its that easy…the only way it gets better is when you have had ENOUGH and who knows when that will be..everybody’s time table is different. Just don’t beat yourself up about it!

Chink

May 12th, 2011
11:36 am

But at the same time even though a year may sound like a long time its not…get out while you can or you’ll be saying that for a couple of years!

Raqi V

May 12th, 2011
11:37 am

While that statement sounds nice WiseDiva, it’s not true. One of besties had a rollercoaster relationship with the guy she states is the only ex that she ever truly loved. I witnessed them driving each other crazy while together and her being miserable when they were apart.

The last time she told me they went out she said she would have married him that day had he asked. He didn’t ask however he wanted her goodies. She told him no but told me later that it was really hard to tell him no.

She still talks about him from time to time in a way that she shouldn’t and that scares the crap out of me.

With my hub there were a couple of times where I wasn’t speaking to him although he never acknowledged that I wasn’t. LOL But there was only one time that I felt that we were broken up. We got back together a week or so later and have been together since.

Raqi V

May 12th, 2011
11:40 am

DreamsMat, thanks for the link to that article.

blue-eyed-blonde

May 12th, 2011
11:44 am

Chink – My head knows you’re exactly right but my heart’s having a tough time coming to terms with it all. Having been though a bad marriage/divorce it took me a long time to let my walls down….wish I had taken a little longer.

Leggs

May 12th, 2011
11:51 am

@blue-eyed blond! What you’re going through is normal. If you didn’t miss him, it only means you didn’t connect with him. As they say, time heals all wounds (if you let it). However, if you keep pouring salt on the wound, you’ll never heal. You have to stay strong and do what’s right for you, mentally as well as emotionally. Don’t let the physical aspect cloud your decisions!

Lovely Brown

May 12th, 2011
11:55 am

Don’t let the physical aspect cloud your decisions!

Easier said than done…..but it can be done!

blue-eyed-blonde

May 12th, 2011
12:00 pm

@Leggs: I hear what you’re saying…it’s only been 3 days so still fresh. I’m keeping busy and trying to stay occupied. I know it’s the right thing for me and as you say that will become clearer with time. I’m still licking my wounds but will not wallow in it. Life goes on. Thanks for your input. After being a reader I know you all really care about each other…that’s nice.

just did it

May 12th, 2011
12:19 pm

In January of this year, I concluded a relationship just like described in the article. I am embarrassed to say how many times in the 3 year period that we broke up and got back together.

The thing that worked for me was the No Contact Rule. I strictly followed it and my head began to clear. I was able to better discern the damage it had done to my life and personal relationships. I could see lies and manipulations where I had previously been blind. And….I got a nice clear picture of his character, which was not flattering.

In summary – NCR – best thing I ever did for myself. Being friends doesn’t do anything but prolong the agony.

Leggs

May 12th, 2011
12:20 pm

Only 3 days. Girl, here’s a church hug for you!!!

Only advice I can give, and not that you asked for it, is stay true to yourself and you will never be disappointed!

Lovely Brown

May 12th, 2011
12:31 pm

just did it- Being friends doesn’t do anything but prolong the agony. So true!

I never understood that…. let’s be friends. Tha hell?! I don’t want to be your friend. It that being immature?

Celisea

May 12th, 2011
12:47 pm

I never understood that…. let’s be friends. Tha hell?! I don’t want to be your friend. It that being immature?

No it’s not being immature. It’s usually something to benefit the person requesting. All the trappings of a relationship without being held to a commitment. While to the other person cutting all ties may appear to be a bitter move or you’re just too angry, at the point of breaking up it’s solely about you….no longer taking into consideration their feelings. Truthfully, they don’t need even that much of an explanation. If you can stick to “absolutely no ties” from now on or until you’re in a better place, it’s all good…as long as you understand why…they can kick rocks.

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 12th, 2011
12:51 pm

Aaaannd here we go again,

So you invest time and emotions (up and including love) into a person only to “cut it off” completely….really?

I seriously, truly, don’t believe that.

Celisea

May 12th, 2011
12:56 pm

Really Dan? It really doesn’t matter how much time or emotions or love you’ve invested. If it’s over why hang around. Really who’s fooling who? It’s not about being bitter or angry. Sometimes it’s just time to move on and usually that happens void a person still hanging on….in every way.

Celisea

May 12th, 2011
12:57 pm

Honestly how much sense does that make? We can’t get together or make it work but yet and still we’re cool hanging out as “friends.”

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 12th, 2011
12:59 pm

@Cel

Yes really.

Energy is neither created nor destroyed, so if you felt something for someone else, whether is “over” or not, those emotions don’t just disappear.

Bitterness, anger, are all symptoms of that evolving of energy.

To your question: yes, really.

Lovely Brown

May 12th, 2011
1:02 pm

It’s usually something to benefit the person requesting. All the trappings of a relationship without being held to a commitment

I have had this done to me. Maybe that is why I feel the way I do about the ‘let’s be friends” tag :-)

AmazonRed™

May 12th, 2011
1:11 pm

Welcome blue eyed blonde -

Not crazy at all. When my most recent ex and I broke up, I couldn’t even say his name without crying. And I’m not a crier. :lol: It still stings a little when I run into someone who didn’t know and I have to say we aren’t together.

Good luck to you. You’ll find someone who not only gets you, but doesn’t put your heart through the ringer either!

SlimUno

May 12th, 2011
1:26 pm

Sometimes when I hear certain songs, they tend to take me back to whatever was happening around that time…ESPECIALLY break ups. :cry: