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Social networking and relationships don’t mix

I have lost count on the number of breakup stories I’ve heard involving Facebook, Twitter,  even LinkedIn! I don’t know how long it will take before people realize that social networking and romantic relationships can become problematic.

More people are finding each other on social networking and that is a great thing.  However, when it comes to maintaining a relationship…well, social networking can pretty much become a major source of a relationship drama.

When you are dating someone, do you add them to your friend’s list on your social networking sites?

Do you think it’s a good idea to find the online profiles of people you are interested  in dating?

My friend Greg thinks that it’s the same thing as taking your man or woman to a bar/club. You think it’s a good idea until someone says or does something that crosses the line.  Then you are wondering why you even bothered “taking sand to the beach” in the first place.

We agreed that the way you handle the situation says a lot about your relationship.  What do you think? If you are having arguments about something related to your online activity or social networking,  is it a sign of something deeper?

If your date or mate is using social networking in a way that makes you uncomfortable, how do you handle it?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

309 comments Add your comment

Mindy

May 11th, 2011
5:47 am

My fiance and I met on an online dating site. He asked me to not date anyone else after our first meeting. At first I was taken aback, but when he expressed his interest in concentrating on just getting to know each other first, well, it made sense. We both hid our profiles from being viewed by others. I had been on dating sites for a few years and like everyone else, experienced “the kid in the candy store” syndrome and now I was focusing on just him. When the relationship became serious we discussed our expectations and ideas. We now live together and have a combined email address. As of now we are not on any social networking sites. If we decide to go on one in the future, it too will be a combined page for the two of us. We also agreed to no longer speak to acquaintances of the opposite sex whom we had met in our dating lives, hence we got new phone numbers.
We believe in ’safe-guarding’ our relationship. Face it, someone will always be after you or your mate. Whatcha gonna do about it? When a man approaches me, even ‘innocently’ my response is “I’m engaged”. Nip it in the bud. It seems to ward off the little foxes we all encounter as well as my own temptations in an abrupt and decisive way!

MzNewy

May 11th, 2011
8:13 am

My Ex was using social media in a way that made me uncomfortable. He was allowing women to flirt with him on facebook etc. saying that “he can’t stop them from posting whatever but his response is what I should be worried about.” While I use social media to advertising my acting gigs etc, he used it to maintain connections with ex-whatevers…
What did I do about it? Got rid of him. A man that truly respects me and our relationship will not allow that kind of nonsense.

Social media, like anything else only amplifies problems you already have.

Shay

May 11th, 2011
8:20 am

SMDH – Whooooooo that damn Facebook is something else….all kinda foolishness is goin’g on it’s the worst thing since Viagra. I’m going to lurk on this here.

Lovely Brown

May 11th, 2011
8:32 am

Social media, like anything else only amplifies problems you already have

I thoroughly agree with this, MzNewy. Another thing I do not understand is folk just putting their all on the ‘net….body parts, personal info, etc. I just don’t get it. Everybody and their pastor is in cyberspace :-)

MzNewy

May 11th, 2011
8:46 am

@ Lovely – exactly. I have seen folks get in cyber arguments putting all the family business on the net. CRAZY!!!!! There is a thing as TMI. Unfortunately, people put things on the net that they really would not want exposed IRL (in real life). Hiding behind keyboards…SMH…

Chink

May 11th, 2011
8:50 am

Mindy Thats sounds like ya’ll have a good thing going safeguarding your relationship … I don’t think its about trust it’s about going all in!

I remember I had a EX who was on myspace it was definitely a major conflict. I think the only way things would work is for both parties to be on the same page on how they want their relationship to be viewed in the public. But now days people don’t want to give up all their independence.

DJ Sniper

May 11th, 2011
8:57 am

Me and my wife have our own separate Facebook pages, and it hasn’t caused us any problems. For starters, neither one of us feels the need to comb through the other’s page to see who said what. We have friends in common, but we have our own set of friends as well. Also, if there is a disagreement in our household, that’s where it stays. We do NOT put that type of business all out there for everybody to read.

Been there done that

May 11th, 2011
9:16 am

From my personal experience social media can be a good thing or a bad thing. But remember, everything happens for a reason and all actions or inactions have consequences.

Facebook may have caused my divorce but it has also brought me to a very special person and place. I am better off and it gave me a chance to start again. Being trapped in a suffocating relationship was slowly killing me and causing me to make poor desicions.

It all started innocently enough with Classmates then LinkedIn then Facebook and Yahoo messenger. I was unhappy and looking for something more out of life. It always starts with good intentions but one thing always leads to another.

After destoying a marriage and hurting many people, I have refrained from Facebook and other social media sites out of respect for my new partner and relationship. I have learned from my mistakes and will no longer put myself into a situation where I will hurt the people that I care about the most.

If you are on Facebook and your spouse is not on your friends list, your relationship is already done and you just havent worked through the formalities. Social media can be a blessing or a curse, the choice is yours and so are the consequences. I am just glad that bad things can sometimes lead to better things. :)

DR. X

May 11th, 2011
9:19 am

Cheating is cheating, on the corner, in a bar, or on F-Book. Social Networking is just another way for folks to speak. I don’t worry about WTF my lady does online because she LOVES ME. RING, RING, GET A CLUE. Trust is trust, and regardless of the medium, social intercourse will follow the morals of those involved. Gosh, i wonder if telephones may have had an effect on people’s cheating and breaking up. GET REAL, choose wisely my friends – and sleep peacefully at night.

DR. X

May 11th, 2011
9:30 am

This relates to a primary principal – if you are an alcoholic, don’t drink. If you can’t be trusted or have NO self control, DON’T FLIRT, If you want a happy life, once again, Choose Wisely and Behave Appropriately. Love never dies of natural causes – Love dies when people MURDER it.

Fedup

May 11th, 2011
9:31 am

Mindy, sounds like more of a control issue than a love issue.

MzNewy

May 11th, 2011
9:32 am

and the Doc has spoken lol :)

Lovely Brown

May 11th, 2011
9:39 am

People are gonna cheat even if they have to communicate in morse code and with tin cans and string. It is not the net, it is the person and their character. And how they view their relationship.

DR. X

May 11th, 2011
9:42 am

BTW, F-Book cannot cause a divorce. Guns don’t kill people, bullets usually do, but it the aim and intent that seals the event. Listen to some Blues – “Had a cheatin’ (woman/man) threw his butt right out the door…..”

Celisea

May 11th, 2011
9:47 am

Morning,

Wow…so much passion this morning. I don’t really “do” FB. I have a page and connected with a coworker and 2 cousins in DC….that’s it. Don’t want to be connected or found….not like that anyway. People that I’m connected wiht and have a relationship with are people that I see and interact with daily. FB feels to exposed. I guess though if you’re into being social then FB is the place to be. I agree with the person that said that people aren’t to blame. There are plenty cheaters not on FB and plenty on FB not seeking an opportunity to cheat.

SlimUno

May 11th, 2011
9:48 am

My beau and I are on each others friends list on fb. So far no one has said anything inappropriate and I don’t stress it because I’m the one he spends his time with. Even when I’m around him and he instant msgs folks, I give him that privacy as long as I don’t feel disrespected. Have I ever been curious on who he was talking to or what was discussed? Of course, but we all need a level of privacy. I just don’t want to go into this relationship with all the doubt, jealousy, and hangups from my last one. He deserves a fair chance, fair level of trust until or if he shows me otherwise.

Amia

May 11th, 2011
9:49 am

Mindy, you really seem to have this all worked out. I really like the way you and your SO are handling the social networking.

When I go onto FB, I have a few guys that will only inbox me. They are Married! They never post on my wall. Just trying to be sneaky. I just keep it casual and say hi and keep it moving. No one will ever say I messed with their husbands.

I also know a few married female friends who are wrapped up in risky convos with FB guys. Playing with fire!

Sassy Me...Stir it Up :-)

May 11th, 2011
9:56 am

However, when it comes to maintaining a relationship…well, social networking can pretty much become a major source of a relationship drama.

Excellent point…got a meeting will Ttyl…

M. (pronouced M dot)

May 11th, 2011
9:58 am

Good day..

There are many advantages to social media but from a social angle, it can be a diaster. I think everyone has their issues on both sides. My theory is FB helps you reconnect with people that you lost connection with then you realize why because they are annoying! All their meaningless posts, rants, etc are just too much!

Actually in dating, I have had a different social media experience. Some women that I have met and have been added to FB, etc have been the WORST. I know 2 women that I dated but you try to set something up from them and they never return your calls, but they are on FB, Twitter CONSTANTLY updating, commenting, etc. SUPER FLAKEY! I think social media also gives people this false cyber confidence to say and act a way they normally would not act. Just my take!

M. (pronouced M dot)

May 11th, 2011
10:00 am

@SlimUno

“I just don’t want to go into this relationship with all the doubt, jealousy, and hangups from my last one.”

Hey Slim. Was this statement attributed to social media or just interacting with the last guy?

How did you handle these issues?

Celisea

May 11th, 2011
10:02 am

I think social media also gives people this false cyber confidence to say and act a way they normally would not act. Just my take!

Translation: Folks faking

Celisea

May 11th, 2011
10:03 am

I have a page though because I’m nosey :)

AmazonRed™

May 11th, 2011
10:04 am

Morning all -

Social networking I love it. It’s like a real time soap opera.

Usually I refrain from adding a love interest until we are better established. However, I made an exception recently. And wouldn’t you know, a few days after I added him one of my guy friends (who must have a radar) posted a comment “we should have had sex ages ago, not sure how that never happened.” Oh, and did I mention that my friend had a profile pic of him grabbing his crotch at the time? Yeah, I didn’t notice, but the new guy did. :lol: Fortunately, we had a good laugh about it. :lol:

AmazonRed™

May 11th, 2011
10:11 am

We now live together and have a combined email address. As of now we are not on any social networking sites. If we decide to go on one in the future, it too will be a combined page for the two of us. We also agreed to no longer speak to acquaintances of the opposite sex whom we had met in our dating lives, hence we got new phone numbers.

Wow…I’d never knock what is working for them…but that’s a bit much. I’d only do all that if one party had already cheated or was a recoving sex addict or something. :lol:

Lovely Brown

May 11th, 2011
10:12 am

I would love for someone to elaborate on the question…

If your date or mate is using social networking in a way that makes you uncomfortable, how do you handle it?

Mr_NYC

May 11th, 2011
10:14 am

If it makes you uncomfortable…
Maybe folks are getting caught up in the technology and the medium. Disrespect is disrespect. Communicate and address it just as you would any other issue. If you can’t resolve it or find satisfaction, well …

AmazonRed™

May 11th, 2011
10:17 am

If your date or mate is using social networking in a way that makes you uncomfortable, how do you handle it?

L Brown – It speaks to character. If it happens you should say something and hopes that person rectifies it. It hasn’t happened to me because respectful dealings in instances such as this is what I require. I did date a guy who had like 3000 friends, and a lot of the women ate up his every word. While I thought they looked thirsty and desperate, he wasn’t feeding into it or flirting back. And that was the important part.

[...] TimesFacebook, Twitter ban for employees in UKTimes of IndiaComputing -InformationWeek -Atlanta Journal Constitution (blog)all 99 news articles » Categories: Facebook News 11 May 2011 at 09:22 – [...]

Lovely Brown

May 11th, 2011
10:30 am

Thank you AR and Mr_ NYC.

It is hard dealing with a person that would rather “speak” to a computer screen than you. But other than that, they have never given you any cause for concern…….

Purple Rain

May 11th, 2011
10:33 am

Social Networking, my wife and I have a joint FaceBook page, I am hardly ever on it because this blog is enough Social Networking for me and I love you all for helping me pass my days!

Indy Cutie

May 11th, 2011
10:38 am

I personally never understood how a social networking site can ruin a relationship if theres no “shadiness going on in the first place”. My S/O and I are fbf and its clear we are together. We write on each others walls, comment on each others posts, and so far nothing inappropriate or disrepsectful has happened. Do i get side messages from guys in my inbox, yes i do and I delete them and KIM. Im sure he gets them from females too and I can only trust he’s doing the same since nothing has been brought to my attention to think otherwise. Social networking only magnify relationship problems that are aready there….except now they’re in black and white and there’s no misreading that

The Reanimated Corpse of Swiss (now with titanium-infused bionic w@ng)

May 11th, 2011
10:40 am

:?:

Maybe it’s just because I’m so immersed in technology for my line of work, but I just don’t see how social media is any different than any other social setting. Inappropriate is inappropriate, whether in person or in cyberspace. Just act like grown-ups and it shouldn’t be a problem.

kimmie

May 11th, 2011
10:41 am

Hey Gang!

Don’t really do FB. Got a page to get info on this boutique I like. That’s it. My boo and some friends made me a friend, but I never look at the page. Don’t know when the last time I did.

This blog is the extent of my “social networking”. There is nothing I put on here that I would be ashamed of my boo or anyone seeing. I know one of my brothers looks at this from time to time. Again, nothing he probably doesn’t already know he’s read here about me.

FB can HELP with breaking up relationships in a GOOD way! My niece found out this Navy guy she was seeing was married on FB! Sure she would have found out eventually. But dude was stupid. Saved her some time!

I don’t have much else to say on this subject. If you ALLOW FB, Twitter or the gossip that lives down the street to interfere in and disrespect your relationship, that’s on you. If you choose to let it all hang out and air all your dirty laundry on FB, Twitter or the club down the street, again that’s on you.

Raqi V

May 11th, 2011
10:43 am

I know 2 women that I dated but you try to set something up from them and they never return your calls, but they are on FB, Twitter CONSTANTLY updating, commenting, etc. SUPER FLAKEY!

Mdot, that’s not flakey. That’s just a clear indicator that “she’s just not that into you”. Period. We all find time to do what we want to do. If you are calling a woman and she is not calling you back, she’s not into you.

Blackfoote

May 11th, 2011
10:47 am

Was shown how to get on FB over a year ago. Went on it a few times and now friends are telling me they left messages. They ask why I haven’t answered back my reply is don’t remember my password and I want to take it down. It’s another medium to communicate though not for me. Give me a message in a bottle, hand shake, or an email anytime.

DreamsMaterialize

May 11th, 2011
10:47 am

Morning
There was cheating and relationship drama before social media, and there will continue to be when the next new craze hits. It’s not the tool, it’s the person holding it.

Raqi V

May 11th, 2011
10:50 am

Lovely Brown, I have never really been into MySpace, Facebook and the like, but I do agree with you. If someone is going to cheat they will do so by whatever means they can. It is all about character.

My hub and I both do not do the social networking sites. I came across this blog one day after reading the obituary of an old classmate and from there clicking on other links on the ajc page. I did not come here to make friends, however I have gotten to know a little about some here that I do have the desire and intentions of meeting in person one day, but that is not why I started reading and commenting here.

That being said, in choosing to be a part of this forum I know how to mind my manners and how far to take matters. As I said before I am very selective in whom I choose to deal with on a more personal level. If you play with fire you are bound to get burned one day.

I have never not spoken of my husband the love that I have for him and him for me. My presence here is strictly for entertainment purposes only.

And this can be a lovely and informative crowd at times. LOL

Blackfoote

May 11th, 2011
10:56 am

Raqi V:

Very informative I got your tip on preparing grits in cold water rather than boiling it to make creamier grits no more lumps thank you.

Purple Rain

May 11th, 2011
10:58 am

I would not want to date a woman who posted on her FB page all of the time. I would like some of her life to be “exclusive” to me and not just pictures and status updates of her every day activities and thoughts. All 1000 of your friends know about something before I do or I have to find out stuff via FB or if I do something nice and sweet you have pictures of it posted all over the place? For some that may be cool, but it’s not for me.

Celisea

May 11th, 2011
11:00 am

For me and strictly in my opinion, FB places me in the mind of teeny boppers. I know I’m not that much older than many that posts and connect but it just seems so juvenile wanting to keep up and know everybody’s business. I guess though that why you have the option of allowing those to connect and making your page as private as possible.

Celisea

May 11th, 2011
11:04 am

that’s….I meant

Sometimes I get requests to connect although I not sure how because the name I have is not my name…it’s a coded name. However, I find it funny that folks requesting to connect just doing it all willy nilly. Don’t have a clue who I am, just want to connect. I usually “ignore.”

Mrs. Tazzee

May 11th, 2011
11:06 am

Interesting… I don’t see how social networking can break up a relationship. Character is character – respect is respect. Social networking just gives a cheater another avenue; a shady person another medium for their shade.

My husband and I are on FB. Most times our profile pics are of the two of us. No one has ever said anything disrespectful to me on FB – but then again, no one would even before I got married. I don’t deal with or friend folks that would do such a thing. When we were dating, one of his friends (one that I knew had a thing for him) started to get disrespectful on his page. He unfriended her online and in real life.

If your mate is using social networking in a way that makes you uncomfortable, you should let them know. If they blow it off – it’s time to move on. If anything, your mate will respect your feelings. Even if s/he doesn’t feel the same way, they’ll care about what makes you uncomfortable. If the response is that you are being too sensitive, then perhaps you need to find someone that respects your sensitive side.

unless you really are being too sensitive

kimmie

May 11th, 2011
11:09 am

Celisea – A little juvenile to me as well.

Purple – I get you, it’s like no such thing as privacy or special things between you & your boo anymore – for some folks anyway.

Raqi V

May 11th, 2011
11:10 am

Blackfoote, hey you are welcome. LOL

I love to cook but I don’t know everything about all things. When I read that kimmie is a foodie that gave me a connection to someone to ask a question to every now and then about cooking.

And it’s nice to read other people’s experiences and ideas. Some really good information here has helped to see where I should probably not do ABC or I should maybe try doing XYZ. Having unbiased input can be helpful.

Now I don’t put much stock in some commenters and their comments. I weigh who and what I take to heart. But still all the same I like socializing here with you all some days when and while I can.

Blackfoote

May 11th, 2011
11:12 am

Celisea:
Haven’t heard teeny bopper in a long time….too funny

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 11th, 2011
11:13 am

Like Dreams said, it’s a tool and not inherently dangerous.

If you use it for fun, or catching up with old friends – cool.

If you’re really think you’re creating “a brand” (seriously, someone told me that), you may need counseling.

Beyond that, like a rock, a hammer, or fire before it, social networking is about as “dangerous” to life, love, and the pursuit of either as Flaming Hot Cheetos

Raqi V

May 11th, 2011
11:14 am

Don’t have a clue who I am, just want to connect. I usually “ignore.”

Celisea, that reason alone is why one of my friends took her entire page down. It seems like folks be just friending people just because the can. She showed where one of her relatives has over 300 “friends” on facebook and she knows that woman don’t know all of those people. LOL

Lovely Brown

May 11th, 2011
11:17 am

I have a FB page, I just don’t check it much anymore. I think the last time I went there was about two months ago. I will log on to FB to check my daughter’s (14, 17) pages. I really used to be into the ‘net….got into a bit of trouble in my RL( real life) because of some things said online. This is a really about as far as it goes for me now…..y’all seem like a good group of folk and I have found some useful info here.

Raqi V

May 11th, 2011
11:24 am

Dan, you know how I feel about “catching up” on folks I haven’t spoken to since only the Lord knows when? I don’t.

Those that I had the desire to stay in touch with that I went to school with or worked with at sometime I have their number and/or address and they have mine. When I changed my number or moved I let those I wanted to stay connected with know. Those I didn’t care to stay connected with I let fade out. And they did the same for me.

If I call a number or send to an email address that is no longer in use I know that person has chosen to not stay connected with me. I don’t even take it to heart.

I did have one person that I ran into a few years back ask me why I didn’t tell them I changed my number. I just honestly told them if we have not called or spoken in over a year there was no need to tell them.

That’s about like when I change cell phones, there is usually a couple of contacts I don’t keep.

Celisea

May 11th, 2011
11:27 am

Blackfoote – LOL…You know I had to dig that one up :)

Raqi – Celisea, that reason alone is why one of my friends took her entire page down.

Seriously. Who in the world have 1000 plus friends?? That’s just folks connecting because there’s a button to push…lol Then too, if you expose certain information to “friends”, those folks that you know nothing about yet connecting have access to you personal information.