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Second chance after disappearing act?

I have learned to be fairly resilient when it comes to dating.  After your ego is bruised or your heart is broken, you eventually manage ways to keep it moving.  What happens when those classy individuals who faded into oblivion without explanation return to the scene of the crime?

My friend Justin is going through this now with a young woman he met last spring.  She stopped returning his calls and he was never sure why.  She claims that she was afraid they were getting too close too fast.  Of course, now she is ready.

Why does it seem like the moment we have hit our stride again and moved past the dating misadventure, people who blew their chances come back? That is one of those dating situations that always baffles me.  Why do people do that? What do they expect?

I think people can change their bad dating behavior or habits, but your character is probably going to remain the same. Do you give second chances to people who seem to want one?

f someone from your past asked for a second chance, how would you handle it?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

328 comments Add your comment

Kat

May 4th, 2011
6:47 am

Unless they were like the second coming itself, that ship has sailed.

MzNewy

May 4th, 2011
7:41 am

I had that happen. Told him I was not interested. Disappearing acts actually do you a favor when you think about it. Usually they either have alot going on (i.e. dating multiple people) or they aren’t exactly on your same dating page. First time shame on him second time shame on me because there never should have been a second time.

FoolMeOnce

May 4th, 2011
7:51 am

I went back to dating someone after we had broken up for a couple of weeks, after he called and begged me to try again. We discussed what both of us could work on. After a month, I knew he just wasn’t my soul mate. When I broke up with him the second time, he used my desire to work through conflict against me, and accused me of being wishy washy and not knowing what I want. Never again.

Beentheredonethat

May 4th, 2011
8:00 am

I was actually dumped after having been engaged for several months. After a month, she called and asked for a second chance. I gave it to her. Even happened one more time, and yes, I took her back. Now, after 9 1/2 years of marriage, getting divorced, but have 2 beautiful children. Regret taking her back? No. Would I ever do it again? HE!! NO!

John

May 4th, 2011
8:05 am

Second chances are hardly ever worth it but does that mean they are never worth giving to someone? I would say no. It all depends on how it ended in the first place. But if someone I dated in the past came back and asked me for another chance and said all the right words and their actions followed what they said, then why not. You will know very quick the second time around if it will work or not. You will feel it or you won’t. That all depends on the other person and what they do to prove to you that they really want to be with you.

I’ve let someone come back to me before and I knew real quick that my heart was not in it by their actions. I think love is always worth a second chance. It’s so hard to find true love. Maybe you both were not ready the first time around and you have both matured. What do you have to loose? Take a chance and see what happens. But I would give it 2 or 3 months max to see if you feel like it will last or if it’s just a lonely desperate plea.

LL411

May 4th, 2011
8:28 am

I gave my S/O a second chance. We’d been dating about three months, he disappeared for about two weeks and has been back five years.

We both fell hard and fast for each other, it startled me and scared the bejezus out of him. He needed to sit back quietly and think…

czBrat

May 4th, 2011
9:24 am

Second chance after disappearing act? eeeww. why???

If someone from your past asked for a second chance, how would you handle it? i probably couldn’t help laughing. then i’d say “no thanx. be blessed.”

fool & done, it must have been difficult taking a second chance only to have it end again. but as the topic says, did they all out ghost on you that first time, or was it a bona fide breakup?

HiYas! *brrrr. feels like feb out there.*

Black and White Smiley Faces ☺☻

May 4th, 2011
9:26 am

Black and White Smiley Faces ☺☻

May 4th, 2011
9:27 am

I give up I can’t post here.

czBrat

May 4th, 2011
9:33 am

b/w, you may be using a no-no word in your post. it’s being gobbled by the blog monster.

Leggs

May 4th, 2011
9:38 am

Morning.

Second chances, ummmm, I doubt it!

Mo (aka Moeisha)

May 4th, 2011
9:43 am

Morning All!

Yes it cold as heck outside this AM!

Second Chances – not a fan of them, only did it once. I figure, why waste time. Im going to spend most of my time being skeptical anyway so its best to leave you where you are/were.

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 4th, 2011
9:44 am

There everyone go again,

“No second chances”, “no looking back”, “no, no, no”

Mayne I swear, you can’t keep saying “no” in life and expect to get many “yes” back…

MzNewy

May 4th, 2011
9:44 am

LL411 thay is awesome that it worked out for you. As for me, I can’t do it after a guy just disappeared.

Leggs

May 4th, 2011
9:52 am

Hush, Dan :wink:

Somethings are worth repeating NO to!

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 4th, 2011
9:59 am

Yeah, aight.

I hardly ever say “no” (unless it’s a danger to my health or family), I’m only living this life once.

But it’s what you do Ms. Leggs

The Reanimated Corpse of Swiss (now with titanium-infused bionic w@ng)

May 4th, 2011
10:00 am

Black & White — And by “no-no word” we mean a completely innocuous word that the blog filter stupidly thinks is profanity. Including words that contain bad words in other languages, like: “ridicu.loous” and “repu.tation.” Yeah, it’s really that f__king stupid.

Celisea

May 4th, 2011
10:01 am

Morning,

I’m not one for doubling back as IMO it’s a waste of everybody’s time…most times. But if someone every pulled the old heave ho and just “disappeared”….I don’t care WHAT the reason, please stay gone.

MzNewy

May 4th, 2011
10:01 am

Dan,
I hear what you are saying. However, the question is about second chances for a person who just disapppeared without explanation. To me, that just means he wasn’t that into me and I am good about just moving on and not looking back in THAT situation. He can’t come back just because he may be experiencing a dry spell.

Celisea

May 4th, 2011
10:05 am

No matter what the issues are between two people, who pulls a disappearing act but someone selfish and self absorbed. You can ALWAYS be adult enough to say you need to take a break or want out.

Leggs

May 4th, 2011
10:09 am

I say NO for good reason. But, not to everything (although you may think I do).

MzNewy

May 4th, 2011
10:09 am

Celisea….EXACTLY! So when he/she is gone then he/she can stay gone.

Leggs

May 4th, 2011
10:10 am

Where are my manners, Welcome to all the newbies!!!

czBrat

May 4th, 2011
10:12 am

if you’re 12 years old, you kiss someone, and it feels so good you don’t know what to do so you run away and hide, that’s understandable. and even kinda cute :wink:
but if you go casper on someone in an adult relationship you’re probably just not into them and don’t respect them enough to explain your decision. although i get dan’s “you only live once” stance, i’d have to say that the one life i have cannot be wasted on such nonsense.

MzNewy

May 4th, 2011
10:15 am

Good morning everyone!

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 4th, 2011
10:17 am

@Micky D’s

How would you know why they disappeared?

You said “[you] can’t do it”, you also said it indicated it means “they either have alot going on (i.e. dating multiple people) or they aren’t exactly on your same dating page.”

But how would you know?

If you never open the box, assuming you know what’s there, how do you really know if it’s good or bad.

Celisea

May 4th, 2011
10:23 am

Morning Mz.Newy

AmazonRed™

May 4th, 2011
10:23 am

Morning all –

Well, since I’m one who pulls disappearing acts, I can’t be too mad when it happens to me. I do us all a favor and stay gone when I do it tho. :lol:

But there are a variety of reasons why I pull a ghost move, and sometimes they don’t have anything to do with them. So that being said, I might hear the person out and then make a decision from there.

Complete assholes need not apply tho. :D

TenderRoni

May 4th, 2011
10:27 am

Mornings,

This one is kind of tough. If she just stopped calling you back with no explaination, yeah I would say a second chance is slim-to-none. But it gets tricky, depending on if there are emotions attached, or you had an amazing connection with them, or you had a lot in common. Those things are hard to find, why would you at least hear them out.

If I liked you enough, then I probably would give a second chance.

cba

May 4th, 2011
10:36 am

TenderRoni 10:27, makes perfect sense to me

SexyCool

May 4th, 2011
10:42 am

My opinion of babygirl’s actions was that she was managing a rotation, thought she had something with someone and now that the relationship has run its course, she is calling in the players she put on injured reserve, trying to get them back in the game.

I would pass on that.

Mr. CiCi

May 4th, 2011
10:46 am

I see why the women on ths blog single…always jumping to conclusions and thinkin worse

kellibean

May 4th, 2011
10:47 am

I think it all depends on the situation. If someone completely disappeared on me, he better have a darn good explanation if he reappears. I would still be skeptical. It depends on how I felt about him and if he’s worth the shot.

My s/o and I had a thing about 8 years ago and he broke my heart. We went several years without speaking but he showed back up in my life and is a completely different person. I’m very happy I gave him a chance to show me how much he had changed because we have been together almost 1.5 years and we are deeply in love.

kimmie

May 4th, 2011
10:48 am

Morning folks!

I have taken a guy back after he went ghost for a few weeks. Thinking back, he really didn’t have a good explaination, but we had a great physical connection. That’s all we had. He is one of the few people in this world I can truly say I just don’t like as a person. I liked him at first, of course. But as I got to know him, he wasn’t a person I wanted to have in my life. So after that 2nd go-round and much drams, I dropped him for good. About a year later I met my now fiance.

I normally say don’t go back. But we all make mistakes. If the person was generally good to you but maybe was just “going thru” something or got scared or whatever, think about it. Listen to their explanation. Don’t jump back in with both feet – ease back into it. Make it clear things won’t be as easy and if they disappear again they need to stay gone. But let me reiterate – only if this person was generally good to you before. Only if.

Purple Rain

May 4th, 2011
10:48 am

If they leave without an explanation and try and come back later, I know in my heart that I could never trust them fully if at all if we did get back together. Abandonment is not attractive in any shape or form. My fiance that left me stranded tried to come back, I did not want any parts of it..secretly I did but I withheld because I knew no matter her answer for leaving it would never be good enough. I am glad I did not go back I am happy where I am now.

Purple Rain

May 4th, 2011
10:50 am

Are we talking about missing for a few days a few months or a few years.

kimmie

May 4th, 2011
10:51 am

Leggs – They had a disappearing act case on Q100 around Christmastime. This guy had been seeing this lady a few years and they were very much in love. He broke it off and they had not spoken in over a year I think. He realized his mistake and, with the help of her family, was going to come by and surprise her and propose on Christmas. They were sure she would take him back.

I vaguely remember them doing a follow-up and I think she accepted.

kimmie

May 4th, 2011
10:52 am

Purple – Remember you said your now wife took you back, gave you a 2nd chance after you showed out. Or was that a different situation?

SexyCool

May 4th, 2011
10:54 am

Mr. CiCi – yeah…no…I’m not single.

kimmie – for me, what throws up red flags with this chick is the – she stopped accepting his calls and he never knew why. Now…a year later, she conveniently comes up with the “too fast, too close” line. Either way, the way she handled the situation speaks to either a lack of maturity or a lack of integrity. However…people do change. If I were Justin and felt like there was enough there to begin to explore a relationship again, I would proceed with caution.

Purple Rain

May 4th, 2011
10:56 am

kimmie, I thought we were discussing leaving with no reason. LIlke “poof” they just disappeared without any reason. My Julia had reasons and let me know she was leaving me, she did not just leave.

SexyCool

May 4th, 2011
10:57 am

Just like you said at the end of your last paragraph…

kimmie

May 4th, 2011
10:58 am

SCool – I agree – proceed with caution. But yeah, a year down the road, I might be suspicous. I think the “grass looked greener” with someone else and she saw that it wasn’t. Probably been running into losers and realized she had a good thing from jump and figured she better try to get back.

kimmie

May 4th, 2011
10:59 am

Purple – You’re right, the situation with Julia was different. I was kinda messing with you though! :lol:

Purple Rain

May 4th, 2011
11:03 am

kimmie, the thing with Ambra was that she just left did not let me know anything until way later. She also was in the “life” with me. Things happen for a reason. She is still around doing the same old stuff.

Blackfoote

May 4th, 2011
11:07 am

She called out of the blue, saying she called to say hello. I thought love/lust I had for her had diminished so I had to go there again. After a few months I started moving away from her but she knew how to keep me close with her sexuality and I let her back in. “Everybody plays a fool sometimes” and it was my time to be the fool. One thing I learned is fools fall hard.

Kimmie it’s good how things work themselves out. He turns bad into good when you’ve been annointed.

kimmie

May 4th, 2011
11:14 am

Purple – Doing the same ole, same ole? Yeah, things happen for a reason. Beautiful life you have now!

Blackfoote – I like that song, “Everybody Plays a Fool”! Yes, He works things out perfectly!

Celisea

May 4th, 2011
11:14 am

If they leave without an explanation and try and come back later, I know in my heart that I could never trust them fully if at all if we did get back together

Um, this is the whole of it. I for one am not saying there aren’t any feelings left or bam you cut it off but it’s the principle. We’re adults, you need space, be an adult and say so. Don’t just up and be gone all poof and stuff and then you just reappear…like nothing. I’m insulted more than anything. Now, you need space and you say it, I might not like it but I’d be more willing to have the talk in that scene. What or who’s to say you won’t just “disappear” again? How many times would I put myself through that. I deal with that first and my feelings later.

DreamsMaterialize

May 4th, 2011
11:20 am

Morning

That is one of those dating situations that always baffles me. Why do people do that? What do they expect?
So you’ve never given a second chance or hoped to get one?

I’ve given second chance, and I’ve also been the dude who came back after some time. There have been times where I enountered some unexpected issues that really did take all my focus, forcing me to abandon any serious pursuits. Of course I always realized that there was never any guarantee that the chick would give me another shot. I was ok with that. Choices have to be made.

For Real

May 4th, 2011
11:26 am

Chick: Hey girl what happened to Johndarrius?

Chick: I don’t he just up and disappeared on me.

Chick: Whatttttt? He didn’t give you a reason at all?

Chick: Naw gurl, I invited him over then asked him to fix my washing machine cause it’s been broke for 3 months and I ain’t had time to go the laundry mat to wash and that’s the last time I seent him.

Chick: Gurlll that’s messed up. Men ain’t no good!!!

Leggs

May 4th, 2011
11:32 am

@kimmie ~ I heard that broadcast, but not the outcome…cool she accepted.