accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Modern Day Masculinity

I had an interesting conversation with an older gentleman recently.  He made a comment about men and masculinity that sort of stuck with me.  When he discovered that I was not married, he said he “understood why” so many women like me couldn’t find a man. Yes, I had to actually have this conversation with a stranger…..again.

Apparently, all the real men left on the planet is in his generation (He was 58 years old).  Well, it turns out he had this theory that if a man’s masculinity is questionable (for any number of stereotypical reasons) then he isn’t a real man.

I started to think about what masculinity is defined as now. I imagine that this is a generational thing because men today can be sensitive and strong at the same time.  Does every man who can’t rebuild a car engine need to have his masculinity questioned?

Do you think that masculinity has been redefined to represent something new or different?

Do you think masculinity is measured by the wrong things? Does it ever play a role in how we meet and date?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

379 comments Add your comment

Wife # 3

May 3rd, 2011
6:58 am

With this whole Metro Sexual thing ; men and women sharings so many charicteristics masclinity is described these days as him not wanting to wear my pink panties (with the lace) smdh.

Here we go again

May 3rd, 2011
7:54 am

Masculinity may have been re-defined by society but in reality I think that it is part of the reason that men feel so frustrated. We are expected to be sensitive and strong but there is no clear definition of what that is supposed to mean. As a man I am endowed with certain traits and attitudes. This endowment comes not from society, but from genetics. It is a painful fact that when I try to force my behavior to fit a mold that is defined by society rather than by nature, I feel out of place. In that scenario I am pretending to be someone other than who I am. Like it or not, society is trying to “feminize” the male population and it just aint right.

TrishaDishaWarEagle

May 3rd, 2011
7:56 am

As to metrosexuals, I will NEVER date a man who spends more time on HIS hair than I spend on MINE.

knockoutblonde

May 3rd, 2011
8:12 am

Good morning, all! While I like a guy that takes care of himself, I have no tolerance or desire to have a “man” that gets pdi/mani’s all the time, spends longer getting ready than I do or fits the description of metro-sexual. Give me the rugged, outdoorsy type, scruffy face, muscular bod and can rip someone’s head off if the situation calls for it. Do those types have some “not so desireable” traits? Yep. But so do we women. The good with these men SO outweigh the bad.

MC Hammock

May 3rd, 2011
8:18 am

Sorry to say, but the wussification of the male population continues and is gaining speed. Your friend was closer to being right than he was wrong. The problem is with this MTV psychology. Men should be tough physically and emotionally. Look at the animal kingdom, for example. The male gender is always the protector, the pillar of strength, the originator of “Don’t tread on me or my territory. Men these days are soft, whiny and “get their feelings hurt” every time the wind changes direction. Clint Eastwood was the last “Real Man” and he would ask the punks of today “Do you feel lucky, punk?”

Lana

May 3rd, 2011
8:20 am

I went out with a guy not to long ago for about three dates. He seemed a little effiminate in some areas, but I wrote it off. The first time we had sex….he CRIED afterwards, because he felt so emotional about it. I cut that line immediately along with the lead wire, the hook and whatever bait I was using. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

czBrat

May 3rd, 2011
8:40 am

Wifey

May 3rd, 2011
8:48 am

With the pickins so slim these days regarding a REAL man, I would just be glad to find a man that wasn’t juat a 5 minute wonder. Trust me, women aren’t getting ANYTHING out of that five minutes.

Ark2011

May 3rd, 2011
8:56 am

I think it’s more of white guys that tend to lean in the direction of metrosexual men. There are some black men that do it, but IMO, it’s mostly the white guys that have that “look”. Don’t know if it’s the culture or what, but it ain’t pretty…..well, maybe it’s that it’s TOO pretty. LMAO

Simple Man .......

May 3rd, 2011
9:03 am

So if a dude is not the Marlboro Man, then he is a punk???? That is the silliest thing I have heard in a long time…..

Simple Man .......

May 3rd, 2011
9:05 am

Now Lana, the guy who cried after you put it on him…yeah, he might be taking the high hard one when you are not looking…. and KOB, that whole “Rip someones head off” thing….I know that guy too, and I am calling BS on that as well…..

BTW….Morning CZ :)

The Truth

May 3rd, 2011
9:10 am

Wow, interesting topic.

Having just spent a few years with a huge group of men from all backgrounds and upbringing, let me state clearly that we are morphing into women. Just one evolutionary step from the first man to have a cycle. The ONLY reason I can give is most men are raised by and dominated by women and hence that state becomes natural. Domination creates submission and vice versa. The flip side is women are becoming very masculine in dress, appearance and attitude.

Reggie

May 3rd, 2011
9:23 am

@Simple, sorry, but some of the stereotypes of masculinity aren’t just stereotypes. They are indeed the truth. Just because you don’t fit or agree with ALL of the criteria is not reason to discount the whole she’bang. Ever heard the phrase “Be a man about it!”? Ya reckon what it’s referring to? Men and women are different and have different characteristics. Don’t blame me, it’s Mother Nature’s fault. Now don’t get your lacey panties in a wad over it all…..

LL411

May 3rd, 2011
9:25 am

When you find yourself in a conversation with a guy, and you start saying “girl, this or girl that” there’s something you’ve pick-up on about him you’re not yet conscience of. While he was doing the full court press, I just couldn’t get past that feeling…

czBrat

May 3rd, 2011
9:26 am

morning handsome :wink:

i’ve learned to respect that the metrosexuals care about their health and appearance. i don’t know that i could have been with that type cuz i’m more natural and earthy myself.

whether a guy goes all out to be ‘pretty’ or just goes all natural, what really matters to me is that he exude an air of ‘don’t even THINK about it’ … and back it up :) .

definitely see your point, truth. hi!

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 3rd, 2011
9:29 am

Right into my wheelhouse;

Let’s be real.

Being a “man” is not just because of your gender or how many times you say you’re a man.

Being a “man” is doing what needs to be done, sacrificing when no one else will, taking the lumps, and doing it all for a ishtty tie, the big piece of chicken, and hopefully some peace and quiet every once in a while.

That said, being a man doesn’t mean swallowing your feelings/emotions (that’s how people have heart attacks and strokes), it means finding a healthy and productive way of dealing with them. It also means controlling those emotions so that they don’t consume your reason.

Being a “man” is a function of many different things, some from the old school of drinking/smoking away your troubles to the new school of hitting the gym.

Finally, being a “man” is self – definitional. There ain’t a dude on this board, better yet born of a woman alive that has the gall to tell me (to my face) that based on his definition, I’m not a “man” or a “real man”. Doesn’t make him a wimp or me anything other than a “man not to [messed] with.”

Oh, and to the (eventual) counterpoint; in this instance, no female can tell a male what it is to be a “man”. Sorry ladies, but that you can never truly know.

Simple Man .......

May 3rd, 2011
9:33 am

Reggie, I dont discount the whole issue, but comments like “rugged, outdoorsy type, scruffy face, muscular bod and can rip someone’s head off if the situation calls for it” do not define what a man is…Now if thats KOBs’ chioce then cool..But To try and force all men to fit into the mold of John Wayne is as silly as it is tio say that women have stopped being feminine because they dont all look and act like Vanessa Williams…

The Truth

May 3rd, 2011
9:40 am

Dan, while you’re correct to a certain degree, there are traits that are mandatory for a mans survival. Luckily we have created this facade we call society where I guy can hide and let his woman lead. Most societies don’t allow this. Even today there are cultures where a dude has to prove he has the right stuff. Funny thing is in these types of societies femininity amongst females is abundant. Not so here. I’m not saying everyone has to be macho man but a cats gotta have gears. Hug the baby at 5am and shoot dinner by noon.

Btw, how are things in your camp.

I bet folks thought Obama was metrosexual until he called out the dogs. That was a ballsy move. (Trying to incorporate international headlines with todays topic. I at least tried)

Hi Cz.

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 3rd, 2011
9:50 am

@Truth

Things are good on this end, you married yet?

To your point about “having what it takes” and the “facade of society” I give you your point about Obama.

Well groomed, well spoken, articulate, calm and concillatory demeanor, and the same man that ordered a 10 yard kill.

These things aren’t incongruous. You can hug (and change) the baby at 5am, shoot dinner at noon, be back in the office at 1, and go home and help the kids with their homework. Why? Because you’re a man and that may be what you’re called on to do that day.

I think the man difference is the way people carry themselves. Back in the day, the ‘fro, the dashiki, the calloused hand and the cig were all outward appearances (in some segments of the culture); as was the briefcase, the suit, the fedora and the cig.

I can say for the guys in my family, being “manly” was a function of not letting nobody treat you as anything less than a man, worthy of respect and equal treatment. That’s how they carried it.

I don’t have to have calloused hands or a fedora, a briefcase, or worry about someone treating me as less than an equal. I don’t have to carry it like they did.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

May 3rd, 2011
9:57 am

Morning All!

I am already loving the male contributions to this topic.

I’ll keep lurking for now……

SexyCool

May 3rd, 2011
10:05 am

I blame Soulja Boy Tell Em. When did it become the thing for a man to *want* to be known as a pretty boy? (lol)

The Truth

May 3rd, 2011
10:08 am

Dan, true it doesnt have to be all bravado. As we found out a lot of those nerdy cats had the cajones to make power moves too. Now a lot of wanna be tough guys work for those dudes. There are common ingredients to being a man though. It may not be 24″ arms but it is there. Overall we’re heading the way of lace panties in a hurry.

I’ve seen many a dude that would gladly take 12 inches of love versus standing his ground. If a dude won’t fight for himself he won’t fight for anyone.

You are right though, it’s all in how a dude carries himself. Thing is that is based on how how he was trained. Guess who trained these guys. lol

kimmie

May 3rd, 2011
10:09 am

Morning All!

I’m loving all this too, Mo! Nothing more wonderful in this world than real men! Being a woman, I can’t define it any more than a man can define what a real woman is. But I know one when I meet one! There are no questions in my mind. And yes, I prefer the old school man, with a bit of new school mixed in!

Yes, the Prez is THE MAN!!! He tried to tell some of yall he GOT THIS!!

Truth – Hey there! What’s up with the wedding plans? I am a month away!!

The Reanimated Corpse of Swiss (now with titanium-infused bionic w@ng)

May 3rd, 2011
10:10 am

Claims that “this generation has no real mean” are something you’d hear from a bitter old f@rt who can’t get any fresh booty anymore.

The Reanimated Corpse of Swiss (now with titanium-infused bionic w@ng)

May 3rd, 2011
10:10 am

Oops… should have read “… real men”

SexyCool

May 3rd, 2011
10:13 am

Swiss….that is the exact thought that crossed my mind when I read that line.

The Reanimated Corpse of Swiss (now with titanium-infused bionic w@ng)

May 3rd, 2011
10:17 am

Speaking of modern day masculinity… I’m wearing a pink shirt today. And if anybody don’t like it, you can suck my ballz (er, ball). :lol:

czBrat

May 3rd, 2011
10:19 am

whoa! truth, dan and kimmie all talking wedding plans? that just puts a big ol grin on my face. congrats to yas!

i think the older guy is talking about ‘real men’ in the sense that truth brought up. older gents are looking at the way the younger dudes behave and the way they regard women, and they’re not at all impressed.

SlimNumeroUno

May 3rd, 2011
10:22 am

Swiss – Do you shave that One ball or is it one hairy baller? :lol:

AmazonRed™

May 3rd, 2011
10:24 am

Morning all –

it turns out he had this theory that if a man’s masculinity is questionable (for any number of stereotypical reasons) then he isn’t a real man.

I agree…and it goes further beyond just the metrosexual stuff.

There are men today that are vocal and accepting about

1) Women persuing the man
2) Women being the main or primary provider (i.e. I don’t care if she takes care of me)

Yes, times have changed, but I do think it’s becoming more prevalent to see these types of situations be celebrated by men. I’m not talking about exceptions to the rule (like if the man is laid off and the woman has to carry the family for a while), but the ones who will tell you the above is cool, then talk about how much of a “real man” they are. Um, no.

kimmie

May 3rd, 2011
10:24 am

Brat – That’s what I took from the gent. And I hear that alot from older men that are very much together and still have it going on.

kimmie

May 3rd, 2011
10:25 am

Thanks Brat!

Mo (aka Moeisha)

May 3rd, 2011
10:28 am

kimmie – 1 month!! Congrats in advance chica!! I love hearing about folks in love! And I totally agree with this statement “And yes, I prefer the old school man, with a bit of new school mixed in!” ^^^5!

abc

May 3rd, 2011
10:29 am

I pretty much agree with what Dan and The Truth are saying. I would add that standing up for one’s self needn’t necessarily be a physical confrontation. Frankly, there are even more effective ways of dealing with adversaries.

I haven’t rebuilt an engine for a long time, though, and the last one I did was for a 1954 GMC Truck. Nice and simple, I could actually understand what all the parts were for!

For Real

May 3rd, 2011
10:31 am

Here are the problems with men:

Allowing women defining masculinity.

Consenting to women as the final authority.

Scared to take an azz whooping for something you believe.

Allowing women to raise your son(s) and no I don’t give a dayum what she says, the court says or how much money it will cost you.

Soft and don’t know how to struggle anymore.

No plan for success

Adopting the victim role of women. i.e it ain’t ever my fault (I witnessed a mother doing that for her son at school yesterday)

Laziness hiding behind a dream.

Confusing “getting over” with a career.

SlimNumeroUno

May 3rd, 2011
10:32 am

Ared – Well it goes back to what Truth said as far as who is ‘training/raising the men’. If you’re a boy growing up with only a mother in the household, then more than likely, you’ll be very accepting of a woman taking care of you as an adult. A guy friend of mine told me before he moved up here from Orlando, that a dude he knows was telling him how he doesn’t have to do too much of nothing because chicks are doing it all. He of course called females these days ‘thirsty’ therefore willing to put up with waaaaay more bytch-like behavior from dudes for the sake of having a guy.

AmazonRed™

May 3rd, 2011
10:35 am

dude he knows was telling him how he doesn’t have to do too much of nothing because chicks are doing it all.

Yup, exactly. Lazy and proud of it. Times have changed.

Like, I have no doubt I could have some sugar daddy paying my bills if I wanted to…but as a woman of character…why would I want to?

*smh*

For Real

May 3rd, 2011
10:37 am

What up Truth. Good to read you bruh.

“Claims that “this generation has no real mean” are something you’d hear from a bitter old f@rt who can’t get any fresh booty anymore.” – Exactly Swiss!!! All that and Wise still didn’t touch his worms. I hope. Right Wise?

abc: The last engine I built was my 78 Cutlass Supreme. Dayum that was a good car but the car companies got smart by it impossible to work on these new cars. Hell you need software just to change the oil now.

SlimNumeroUno

May 3rd, 2011
10:39 am

I haven’t really watched much of Hip Hop love but that chick Chrissy took matters into her own hands by proposing to her dude Jim Jones…I would prefer the more traditional way of a dude proposing to me. Somehow, taking the man’s role in that situation just didn’t sit well with me.

Purple Rain

May 3rd, 2011
10:40 am

Stand up for yourself and those in your care, know who you are, stand in the gap, do not let a woman define to you what a man is, handle your business.

If you question yourself on your manhood, you have some issues. If your woman questions your manhood, you have even more issues. If you have to explain your manhood to someone in doubt of it, you are a lost cause.

AmazonRed™

May 3rd, 2011
10:42 am

Men these days are soft, whiny and “get their feelings hurt” every time the wind changes direction

:lol:

And you know how I feel about the emotional man! :lol:

For Real

May 3rd, 2011
10:42 am

“Yup, exactly. Lazy and proud of it. Times have changed.” – Lazy is too nice of description for that punk.

“Like, I have no doubt I could have some sugar daddy paying my bills if I wanted to…but as a woman of character…why would I want to?” – Exactly Ared, I overheard this chick bragging about her man (not husband) giving her a BMW and one of her friends asked her are you afraid that he will take it back like he did the other car and ole girl said naw I will just get it back again and maybe one day your man will give you a BMW. I just shook my head.

SlimNumeroUno

May 3rd, 2011
10:42 am

You Tarzan, Me Jane :D

AmazonRed™

May 3rd, 2011
10:44 am

let me state clearly that we are morphing into women. Just one evolutionary step from the first man to have a cycle. The ONLY reason I can give is most men are raised by and dominated by women and hence that state becomes natural.

:lol:

And yes, the women raising men is definitely a problem. But we also have to look to the men abandoning their families too.

SlimNumeroUno

May 3rd, 2011
10:44 am

We are too addicted to ‘Things”…

Purple Rain

May 3rd, 2011
10:45 am

The guy that Wise was talking to is just an old hater. Why do I call him a hater? Because part of his game was to talk down about other men. And no matter what you are never supposed to talk bad about another man to make yourself look better.

For Real

May 3rd, 2011
10:45 am

“You Tarzan, Me Jane” – Zipppppppp He African American Dolphin!

czBrat

May 3rd, 2011
10:45 am

Somehow, taking the man’s role in that situation just didn’t sit well with me.
but if today’s tweens, teens and 20-somethings don’t see a prob with that, what will man/woman roles be in another generation or two?

SlimNumeroUno

May 3rd, 2011
10:46 am

‘But we also have to look to the men abandoning their families too.’

That is definitely an issue but we can’t leave out the situations where someone is trying to force a family on the other. You can’t leave what wasn’t yours or there to begin with….i.e Trifling chicks.

For Real

May 3rd, 2011
10:46 am

“And no matter what you are never supposed to talk bad about another man to make yourself look better.” – Screams punkazz doesn’t it?