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Dating: Dealing with doubts

We have all heard those cautionary dating tales that make you stop and shudder.  They seem so outrageous and ridiculous that it is hard to imagine it happening to you.  Until it happens to you… and then you can totally see how people misrepresent themselves.

It’s unfortunate that a few dating misadventures can turn us into cynics.  I think it happens to the best of us, but you never want that to be the reason you blow things with the new guy or girl. What do you do when you have doubts about someone you are dating?

I think it is always good to check your cynicism before your let your spidey senses go off.  There are a lot of great people to date who aren’t trying to annihilate your heart.

Do you ever get paranoid? Have you ever dated someone really great but you started to have random doubts?  That awful cynical voice says, “It’s too good to be true” and you are suddenly fighting off negative thoughts. How do you handle it?

What is a healthy dose of skepticism and what is downright dating paranoia?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

114 comments Add your comment

MzNewy

May 2nd, 2011
8:08 am

A healthy dose of skepticism is not getting swayed easily by words. Let him/her show you with their actions. PArnoia comes into play when you think there is an alterior motive behind EVERYTHING he/she does.

MzNewy

May 2nd, 2011
8:14 am

O there was a part 2!!
I have experienced a form of paranoia that turned out to be justified. At the time I was experiencing it, all those on the outside looking in were like “Girl you are tripping, he is a great catch etc.” But in reality all I was feeling was true. I think it is really hard to distinguish the paranoia when your gut instincts are screaming : “Something is not right…this does not pass the smell test”. In addition, with hind-sight being 20/20 paranoia is somewhat a protective defense mechanism that our mind uses to make us take off roses-colored glasses and truly look at the person we are with. When a person shows you who they are, believe them.

Leggs

May 2nd, 2011
9:12 am

Good morning.

What do you do when you have doubts about someone you are dating?Depending upon what these doubts are, the only thing I can do is speak on them with him. I’m not a cynical person, so I don’t con*coct things in my head.

MzNewy ~ right on point!

SlimNumeroUno

May 2nd, 2011
9:30 am

Good morning,

How is everyone

Mr_NYC

May 2nd, 2011
9:31 am

Good morning
I’d be interested to know how the other fellas (goodfellas) deal with being on the receiving end of the paranoia treatment.

Doophus

May 2nd, 2011
9:57 am

Well yes, I do have doubts. You shoot the guy after looking for him 10 years and then pull off a quick burial at sea? Come on! Next they’ll be saying the 2 copters landed on the grassy knoll.

SexyCool

May 2nd, 2011
10:01 am

I used to be of a mindframe that “If you go looking for something, you will find it.” I have now come to believe that “If there is nothing to be found, it doesn’t matter whether or not you’re looking.”

I am not a paranoid, distrusting person just for the sake of being so. My experiences have taught me what is a sign of something off kilter and I have learned to rely on my instincts. They do not steer me wrong.

AmazonRed™ - Lake Show tonight!

May 2nd, 2011
10:03 am

Happy Monday All –

I pay attention to my spidey senses so I DON’T end up having any of those outrageous dating tales. However, there is a such thing as being paranoid. As long as you pay attention to the signs and take your time instead of jumping in full speed, you’ll be fine.

Simple Man Know known as "Coitus Interruptus"

May 2nd, 2011
10:05 am

Morning folks….It happens all the time..One thinks there is an issue, and whether this is or not, the problem becomes self fulfilling….

SexyCool

May 2nd, 2011
10:07 am

Mr_NYC – Goodfellas are mobsters, criminals, to say the least. I would expect that they are used to being under suspicion.

(Yeah…I know that’s not what you meant.)

GoldPig

May 2nd, 2011
10:09 am

Trust your gut.

MzNewy

May 2nd, 2011
10:22 am

Good morning All…
*waving @ Leggs

@ Mr_NYC – Speaking for me, I don’t let my paranoia cause me to question him etc, what it does is it puts me in a “having fun just enjoying his company right now for what it is” mode. Translation : I don’t have any expectations for the future I take it for what it is….and thus I have fun with him but I don’t truly let him in to get to know me until he has proven himself to be worthy of being into the inner garden. Everyone doesn’t deserve to know you but folks can know of you and have fun with you. and like GoldPig said…trust your gut.

Mr_NYC

May 2nd, 2011
10:25 am

@Sexy – yeah I got you
@MzNewy – well put, I may to borrow that “know you … know of you” comment

Chink

May 2nd, 2011
10:29 am

Slow Day..

I think men can be more paranoid then women especially those hurt boys…but watch them deny it :)

Might be alittle naïve of me but I usually take people for what they show me …at the same time this has had me in some really hurtful situations…oh well! But at the end of the day what doesn’t kill only make you stronger and bitter but I choose to be happy and stronger!

Sassy Me...Obama got Osama :-)

May 2nd, 2011
10:32 am

What do you do when you have doubts about someone you are dating?

If/when my intuition gets piqued,I fall back and check what it is I’m feeling and why. If something just doesn’t feel right I surmise the situation to see if it’s unfounded or not. I try to see if it’s me being paranoid or is there really something wrong going on. If my concerns are unfounded, fine but if they’re substantiated then adios amigo… I’ve jumped the gun too early in the past and try not too be ready to jet the nano-second something seems out of sort.

Mornting :mrgreen:

MzNewy

May 2nd, 2011
10:36 am

@MR_NYC – Go right ahead. I do know that I have had a shift in thinking as I has gotten older. I think that comes from getting to know me and loving my own company. Superficial fluff has disappeared. Not saying I want a man that is not attractive, but now it is more about the character of the man who has the swagga rather than the man with just the swagga.

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 2nd, 2011
10:45 am

I think my boys at VSB hit it on the head the other day in “until I found you.”

There is a pervasive feeling that sometimes some people are just “too good to be true.” When that person just “fits” we fight it. Even when they’re 90%, we complain about the 0.10.

Instincts are not to be overlooked, they’re the evolutionary reflex that keeps you safe. But, as humans we shouldn’t be ruled by instinct alone. If (s)he gives you the creeps or a strange feeling, address it. Don’t walk away, don’t let it go (in favor of “I knew it” 10,000 sessions later), confront that feeling with your partner and allow them to respond.

Instincts + the reason to act = human

CoolShadow

May 2nd, 2011
10:51 am

One should be cautious in the due diligence phase when dating. But constant cynicism will kill any momentum in progressing the relationship.

kimmie

May 2nd, 2011
10:53 am

Good morning all!

Dan, I like that post.

I must admit, when I first started seeing my fiance’, I was guilty of waiting “for the other shoe to fall”. Beyond normal human faults, I saw nothing wrong with him. Still don’t, at least nothing I can’t live with, no dealbreakers. But my feelings came from past hurts I’d dealt wtih, not him. I had to woman-up and get rid of that line of thinking before I let fear make me lose out on a good thing! I’m glad I got over it.

But I can understand the feeling. Don’t let fear block your blessings. Do your due diligence and get to know the person. Take your time. If it’s something you can’t shake after that, you may have to go with your gut. But don’t live paranoid. You make others that had nothing to do with your past experience suffer.

MzNewy

May 2nd, 2011
10:53 am

@ Cool Shadow – Great point

@ Dan – I love your equation!

MzNewy

May 2nd, 2011
10:54 am

@ Kimmie – great points.

SlimNumeroUno

May 2nd, 2011
11:01 am

I try to just file certain ‘questionables’ away in my mental roledex in case something more concrete rears its head. I don’t want to live a dating life being seriously paranoid, fearful, scared etc….All that stuff seems to end up building an invisable wall around you and can halt any real progression if it’s totally unwarranted. We all take a risk in dating and I just try to remember that i am not the only one in the equation, meaning they are also taking a chance on me. I can only hope that as time goes on, the boundaries/walls/doubts begin to wane and we can really get down to enjoying, learning, experiencing each other.

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 2nd, 2011
11:07 am

@Kimmie

I saw it in myself. For as much as “I’m unlike any dude you’ve ever known”, I caught myself comparing things women have done to things other women have done.

I had to catch that in myself.

And my girl still pops me for it every once in a while.

Leggs

May 2nd, 2011
11:22 am

@ARed ~ hope you’re doing well. How did your friend like her date with LRucker?

CoolShadow

May 2nd, 2011
11:23 am

@ Slim, 11:01 – good point, a lot of people seem to think that the onus of proving worth only falls on the other party.

SlimNumeroUno

May 2nd, 2011
11:27 am

Proof that Men Have Better Friends…….

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend ‘ s house. The man called
his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her
husband’s 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and
two said he was still there

Leggs

May 2nd, 2011
11:31 am

That’s no proof because no woman would leave the house w/o a backup plan and her friend not know about it (lol).

kimmie

May 2nd, 2011
11:37 am

Leggs – Yeah, we are not that sloppy!LOL!!

AmazonRed™ - Lake Show tonight!

May 2nd, 2011
11:39 am

@ARed ~ hope you’re doing well. How did your friend like her date with LRucker?

I’m still trying to get more details. She’s really not supposed to talk about it til the recap show this wednesday. But I know they did a helicopter ride around the city then dinner at Dulce (ew, off all places in ATL?).

I don’t know if they have plans to continue seeing each other. I hope it’s more than just a publicity stunt.

SlimNumeroUno

May 2nd, 2011
11:42 am

Leggs – You are right but it’s just jokes folks ;-)

DreamsMaterialize

May 2nd, 2011
11:47 am

Morning

Nothing wrong with a healthy dose of cynicism. I’m guilty of it sometimes, but I do try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I’ve also been on the receiving end of it, being accused of things that didn’t even cross my mind, all because someone else had done those things before.

Leggs

May 2nd, 2011
11:48 am

@SlimNU ~ I know..I know. :lol:

Ok, ARed!

Celisea

May 2nd, 2011
11:54 am

That joke speaks more of how “together” women have it and just how sloppy liars men can be :)

The Reanimated Corpse of Swiss (now with titanium-infused bionic w@ng)

May 2nd, 2011
12:14 pm

“That joke speaks more of how “together” women have it and just how sloppy liars men can be”

So you’re saying that women are just natural born liars? ;-) I’m sure abc will be glad to hear you admit it… ;-) :lol:

Willie Dynamite

May 2nd, 2011
12:33 pm

Afternoon All,

First of all much appreciation goes out to our Intel community, our Armed forces and yes OUR President. Political wrangling aside at the very least they can argue who gets the credit for a Job done. “Justice has been done” indeed.

On Topic – I think doubt is a natural reaction for anyone thats been in the Dating Game. Our dating past shapes our Dating present as well as our Dating future. Sure its easy to say that we dont drag the past with us but its hard not to say I’ve seen this before and become a little gun shy. Some have been hurt more than others thus becoming cynical. I personally think its all in how you personally handle it. Not a cookie cutter approach to dealing with the situation. Some will slip through the cracks and others will let it fall off their back.

Celisea

May 2nd, 2011
12:37 pm

I’m sure abc will be glad to hear you admit it…

Hey Swiss, I actually thought about him as I typed and started to beckon for him but I assumed that my post would do the trick and bring him to surface…..and spin it like you did :)

SlimNumeroUno

May 2nd, 2011
12:53 pm

Let’s not all talk at once lol

DreamsMaterialize

May 2nd, 2011
12:59 pm

So, what’s everyone’s worse example of being on the receiving/giving end of the skepticism?

Celisea

May 2nd, 2011
12:59 pm

Doubts and cynisim…hmmm I tend to me more of a cynic than not when it comes to dating. I’m skeptical in general with most people as you will find or probably have discovered, many deal with less than ideal motives. As with age though, I’m less inclined to call a spade a spade (of course if it’s a spade) on the spot. I didn’t say I can’t recognize, I just have a different approach. A spade that’s a spade will surely come to light. In the past, I have called something out with the quickness even without full proof and mainly based on my gut. Hardly though, have I been wrong (is that a hoity toity attitude or what) :) I guess being older not only am I not wasting my time, I’m not wasting my breath either…especially on grown folks. I shouldn’t use the word cynic but maybe a realist. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sticking around or entertaining shenanigans. I’ll just take a sideline view because if someone’s actions are not 100%, they’ll cause their own demise. I might step from the sidelines long enough to say yeah I thought so :)

Willie Dynamite

May 2nd, 2011
1:00 pm

Ared – Since it is the afternoon and we can now legally change the topic. How are you and Mr. I met this chick in a bar and got my tongue all down her throat. doing?????

Dan - Simply....Superior

May 2nd, 2011
1:06 pm

@WD

No doubt on that. BHO’s message “you hurt us, we hurt you, and my [fellow] Americans ‘we got him’”.

Though…(see below)

@Kimmie

I wanted to touch on that ‘waiting’ comment earlier. I think we’re all guilty of it. But if anything, bad experiences teach us how to recognize the good ones.

And even with the worst things that life has shown, thrown, done to us, that ‘waiting’ is more nervous anticipation than fear.

Willie Dynamite

May 2nd, 2011
1:12 pm

Dreams – I’ll take a stab at your ?. I don’t have any real misadventures to speak of. My filter has always been one of cynicism and skepticality (helluva word). From my youth in the game I just expected the worst from people and Women especially, cutthroat if you will. As a young man in college 1 heart break kept me on the ABC side of things expecting Women to Lie and manipulate. Right or wrong that shaped me and my dating experiences. I was that dude that didn’t trust Women or even give them a chance to get at me other than the obvious physical until one chick I just couldn’t stop thinking about. Then it was a wrap. So to answer your ? finally. My worst example played out daily and lasted about 12 years.

Dan – True True True. You’d think from the political discourse this morn some people wouldv’e rather he stayed alive and been captured during a diff Presidents term. Folks, boy I tell ya.

Celisea

May 2nd, 2011
1:21 pm

I don’t think skepticism is always the fallout from having been done wrong. I just think and have witnessed (especially at work) most folks are liars, fake and dishonest in their intents. I just witnessed it. The new guy I thought (and still think to some degree) is pretty cool, turns it on like a water faucet with other folks because he buys in (as with most) that that sort of behavior and interaction is what’s needed in order to make it. Rarely (sorry folks I don’t mean to lean so much) will folks allow the real of them to flow through. What’s to say or how will that be much different when dating…rhetorically speaking

Celisea

May 2nd, 2011
1:47 pm

Let me just further my 1:21 (because the top part sounds contradictory) my attitude with most folks being less than honorable is not a direct fall or interaction but somethings an observation of being less than forthcoming or actions to be one that would or could cause doubt.

Celisea

May 2nd, 2011
1:47 pm

sometimes not somthings….sorry on a call

abc

May 2nd, 2011
1:51 pm

While I can say that I came to believe in a woman’s propensity to lie as a way of life, I can’t say that I came to that perspective on account of any perception of being wronged by a woman by her doing so. It was simply illustrated to me enough times that I eventually realized it was true. And, it’s not as if a woman lies to a man in order to hurt him, nor even with a primary goal of deceit. Rather, women (and people in general, as far as that goes) lie in order to avoid something that hurt THEM in the past. Folks can say that they only lie for advantage — in fact, there’s not much other reason to do so — but I think what they really mean is that they lie to not suffer a disadvantage should the truth be told.

Personally, I consider that kind of personal insecurity to be the work of the devil. It’s an easy way to prey upon us.

Men are less likely to lie, and thus are less adept at lying, because we feel less affected by the opinions of others. Part of being a man is to have confidence in your thoughts and actions, with less regard for what others think about it. Historically, women haven’t had that luxury — or, they thought they didn’t.

I don’t consider that my perspective on a woman’s propensity for lying to represents doubting of her. When you find a woman with whom you don’t mind so much that she’ll not be very forthcoming with you about much of anything, you’ll have found a woman with whom you can probably spend a lot of your life with.

AmazonRed™ - Lake Show tonight!

May 2nd, 2011
1:51 pm

Ared – Since it is the afternoon and we can now legally change the topic. How are you and Mr. I met this chick in a bar and got my tongue all down her throat. doing?????

:lol:

He called last week to set a date, but he chose Thursday and I had Hawks tickets. I guess I’m supposed to call him and reschedule but I haven’t yet. I’ll probably do so tonight. Needless to say, he’s hanging in there. :lol:

kimmie

May 2nd, 2011
2:01 pm

Amred – I’m being real nosey – did you take “someone else” to the game? :lol:

Willie – Yeah, they can say what they want, the Prez got it done! I can’t stand Guiliani, but he got it right. He said if things had gone badly with the operation the Prez would have had to take the blame, so he gets the credit when things go right too!

SexyCool

May 2nd, 2011
2:03 pm

That game was a bootee-clincher Thursday night….IF…you are a Hawks fan. My family was visiting and I took my 16yr old sister to experience her first NBA game. She’s a Magic fan. (lol)

Willie Dynamite

May 2nd, 2011
2:03 pm

Ared – thats good. As a Man glad to see the bruh is hanging in there. You are a tough nut to crack but looks like dude has the right tools. Can we give him a real name? I like the name I gave him because its true but then again its rather coarse and unbecoming. Can you offer something generic?