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Do you really know your date?

One of our fabulous commenters, Raqi, sent me a really interesting blog post by the author of the website Until I Get Married.  I have read some of his entries before but this particular one I hadn’t seen before.

He recounted an experience when he caught his woman with someone else. It seems he was less angry about the cheating and more upset that she did things that he never did with him. It was like she had a totally different side that she didn’t share with him.

I think I need a man to explain that to me.  How is that a bigger deal than cheating?

When you are in a relationship with someone, do you think they behave the same way when you aren’t around?

I had a friend who would always act so completely different when her man came in the room – including voice tone. It bothered me so much because I couldn’t understand why she felt the need to do that. What is the point in maintaining a fake personality in a relationship? Have any of you ever seen that happen?

I can’t imagine that ever ends well. How well do we really know the people we are dating?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

228 comments Add your comment

Retired Old Atlantan.

April 28th, 2011
7:11 am

Good morning, all. Get and get going.

DJ Sniper

April 28th, 2011
7:21 am

WiseDiva, I can understand where the guy was coming from. There are guys out here who have dated women, and from a sexual standpoint, the woman was very boring and vanilla. When she hooks up with the side piece though, it’s a different story: whips, chains, new positions, swinging from the ceiling, threesomes, whatever. The actual cheating is bad enough, but when you have a situation like this, most men look past the actual cheating and are like, “why didn’t she do any of that stuff with me?”

Lips are sealed (sometimes)

April 28th, 2011
7:50 am

I have realized that a woman should NOT tell her current man about anything she did with past loves/lovers. Despite what they say, many of them will not be able to handle it and they will always wonder if they are pleasing you as someone else did, if you’re having as much fun as with the other person. Don’t say “I was here with…” or even joke about sex with another man. Just don’t do it, ladies. It may be better to me a bit mysterious in this regard.

DJ Sniper

April 28th, 2011
7:57 am

Lips, I think we’re talking about two totally different things here. The guy that WiseDiva is talking about actually caught his lady with another guy, and she was doing things that she had never done with him. It wasn’t a situation where she told him about some of the stuff she had done with past lovers.

czBrat

April 28th, 2011
8:08 am

HiYas

different situation, but Lips’ statement is oh so true. i generally don’t volunteer info on my dating past, simply because i find it incredibly boring and not at all worth talking about. as for my past marriage, i just don’t talk about that because it’s a bit of a downer. at any rate, s/o is fully aware that anything he asks will be answered truthfully. he once asked me if i would NOT tell him something in order to spare his feelings. i said i would find the kindest possible way to say it, but i’d still say it.

as for the topic, this reminds me of something the ex once said to excuse his womanizing. he said he explored things with others that he couldn’t ask the mother of his children to do.

whatever dude! :mad:

the watch dog

April 28th, 2011
8:12 am

That is a great question. I really like it. The reason a wife maybe completely uninhibited with someone other than her husband is simple[she feels inhibited in her husbands presence because he is tightly strung individual. As Dirty Harry would say, “you just have to know your limitiations and once you know them go for the gold.”

Simple Man Know known as "Coitus Interruptus"

April 28th, 2011
8:40 am

Morning peeps…

WD in response to your question “Why was he more upset that she was further out there with someone else than him”, let me put it like this…Its along the same line of thought the women have when they found out that their guy wassahring his feeling with his side piece and not just having sex with her…Women say the emotional cheating is worse for them…well for us the if you are the same missinary with him as you are with me its bad, but if you have a crotchless latex catwoman suit, and a glow in the dark anal beads and I never knew about it… then yeah I would be just a little bit more upset….

L.A.M.B.

April 28th, 2011
9:00 am

if you have a crotchless latex catwoman suit, and a glow in the dark anal beads and I never knew about it… then yeah I would be just a little bit more upset….

That would do it :-)

MC Hammock

April 28th, 2011
9:14 am

I understand the guy’s point. It’s like she not only had him on the side, but she actually PREFERRED him and his equipment for sex. That’s a double whammy and pretty crushing. Everyone gets dumped during their lives, but how oftern does someone get told that they are pretty average all and the way around and that’s OK, but when I need to rock and roll, this other guy can knock it out of the park. You’re still hitting ground balls.

David

April 28th, 2011
9:18 am

I remember when I was going through my divorce and it was really getting nasty. She rediculed me and I rediculed her. But the coup de grace came when I told her that after we seperated and I started seeing this other lady. I told her that in bed this woman twisted me in ways that would make Gumby scream. I told her I realized that I wasn’t as bad in bed as she made me think I was and that it felt so good to have a woman actually WANT me again. Cold and cruel, I know….but it sure felt good.

AmazonRed™

April 28th, 2011
9:19 am

Morning all, glad my Atlanta peeps are safe, praying for those who weren’t spared in the storms.

I read Until I Get Married from time to time. He’s a good writer.

But at the end of the day, he’s still a young man. Their rules and standards are a bit different in that generation. So that’s why I can see the acts were more offending than the actual cheating.

Da_Man!

April 28th, 2011
9:20 am

There’s always that someone who can unleash the dragon, monster, alter ego, etc … Unfortunately, that person may not be the 1 who you are with. I don’t think it’s always the case of pretending on one front and being real on another. It’s more about the comfort level you have to let things “all hang out”. Men are the same in that respect, Some will feel more comfortable wearing sandals with no socks around one lady than they are around another; I know that’s a crazy analogy but I’m sure some will understand my point.

I believe we all should consider how comfortable we are doing ANYTHING with and/or around our mate. If you are at a 2 in opposed to an 9, think hard on how good that relationship is & how long it should last.

Lana

April 28th, 2011
9:20 am

Oh heck yeah….that would hurt MUCH worse than just finding out he cheated on me. That’s like saying you were totally inept at one of the basic functions in a relationship. If you were in school, you got an “F” in Sexuality 101.

Raqi V

April 28th, 2011
9:25 am

Ironically yall the thing the author of the website caught his girl doing was not sexual in nature. Everything isn’t about sex all the time. LOL

Yeah, yeah I know some of you are saying if it’s not of a sexual nature then who cares, or why does it matter. It matters when sex is not the only thing you care about. And in the situation that guy found himself in, it mattered. If you aren’t able to expand your mind or cares beyond sex then catching your guy or girl doing something physical with someone else is the least of your problems.

I will tell you all what the article is about. The guy met this woman and in dating her she begin to draw him into her lifestyle of not eating meat. No red meat. The guy loved meat but because his girl cared enough to want him to adopt a healthier lifestyle he eventually gave up what he loved. Then one day he came home early to find her sitting there in their living with another man while a big fat juicy steak cooked on the stove.

He was heartbroken because that healthy lifestyle she presented to him and convinced him to adopt was a total lie because there she was caught red handed doing for and with this other guy that she didn’t care to do with him.

When my friend sent me the link to that site, as I was reading it I imagined myself in the situation of the wounded one.

There are a few ways where my husband and I differ and in the past 10-1/2 I have unsuccessfully attempted to convert him over to some of the things I would like to do with him. Hecky yes I would be distraught and broken hearted if I found out he was doing those very things I cannot get him interested in with another woman.

If I ever walked into the mall and saw him smiling, carrying shopping bags whistling “Nothing on You” while with another woman I will shot that SOB. And I wouldn’t care if he has not had sex with her, yet. LOL The fact is he is happily doing something with another woman that he gives me grief about. That in itself is heartbreaking.

This example is just a trivial example but I guess, rather hope yall get the gist of how I viewed the article.

knockoutblonde

April 28th, 2011
9:26 am

I tried to tell some of my more conservative girlfriends that they better be more than vanilla in their personality and especially between the sheets. People can say “It’s not all about that” and it really is ALL about that….but you can bet the mortgage that it’s a LOT about that. If you don’t fill that void, after a while he/she will be tempted by someone that it would appear that they can. Doesn’t make it right, but it’s reality. I know plenty of men and women, rich and not so rich, that left a marriage or a relationship because they were frustrated/unsatisfied in bed.

DreamsMaterialize

April 28th, 2011
9:28 am

Morning
How is that a bigger deal than cheating?
I wouldn’t say it’s a bigger deal, but sure as he!! does throw tons of salt in the wound. When a chick finds out her dude was cheating on her, what question does she almost always ask? “Do you love her?” It’s along the same lines.

Raqi V

April 28th, 2011
9:29 am

And an example I can use of me being the offender is my hub loves music and he sometimes will try to get me to sing for him. Most times will not because compared to his voice I am not a good singer. I don’t sound like a wounded camel but I am no pre-crack Whitney Houston either. He says I sound pretty good but that man can sing and I cannot compare to him.

Now with that being the case, if he just happen to show up to one of the regular venues where we frequent and caught me there on karaoke night bringing the house down with a rendition of “Natural Woman” staring into the eyes of another man…

Still another trivial example but all the same, important.

Don’t get me wrong, I do understand and get looking at it from a physical/sexual angle because yes that would be heartbreaking, but I also get it from a non-sexual standpoint just the same.

I am interested to read more comments on this but I have to go take care of some business. Imma catch up with yall a little later in the afternoon.

Lana

April 28th, 2011
9:29 am

Well, if it wasn’t sexual in nature….who cares?

Lana

April 28th, 2011
9:34 am

Outside of sexual adventures, you are SUPPOSED to have differing hobbies and habits. Just because you change you’re mind doesn’t warranty a military invasion. But if you are singing a song while staring deep into another man’s/woman’s eyes, guess where the majarity of people thoughts are as to where that will be leading? Yep…you’re right. It ALWAYS comes back to the “S” word, no matter how many angles you try to take.

MC Hammock

April 28th, 2011
9:39 am

@Dreams, I don’t think my SO would even bother asking me if I loved her. She would be more apt to say “I hope you can live with her, because she’s all you got now.” She wouldn’t care if I loved her, lusted her or if it was the result of a drunken evening. Penetration had been achieved and with that, the train has done run.

DreamsMaterialize

April 28th, 2011
9:39 am

Then one day he came home early to find her sitting there in their living with another man while a big fat juicy steak cooked on the stove.
Damn Raqi that’s just foul. That’s just as bad as the sex. I can relate though. I dated this chick in grad school who had different taste in music than I did. I was into alot of the “neo-soul”, cafe, spoken word, scene, but that stuff didn’t interest her in the least. All the time we dated, I went to some of her concerts (she played cello), but she never could get into my stuff. Eventuall we broke up and went our separate ways. How about several months later, I run into her and her new dude at one of the little cafe’s on spoken word night. lol Oh well.

The Reanimated Corpse of Swiss (now with titanium-infused bionic w@ng)

April 28th, 2011
9:41 am

“I think I need a man to explain that to me. How is that a bigger deal than cheating?”

Wise — Allow me. ;-) You see, as soon as a dude hears his chick has cheated, he immediately writes her off as a ho, and thanks to our evolutionary ability to compartmentalize sex from emotion, we simply mentally move that ho over from the “I actually kinda like this chick” compartment to the “just another hole to f__k” compartment. But it if was only sex and the sex was bad — or at least not as good as what she gave the other dude — then dude feels cheated all over again.

:lol:

SexyCool

April 28th, 2011
9:43 am

Am I *different* when I’m OUT with TheDude? Noooot really…but I am just a bit quieter, talk just a bit less. And yes, I do have a *sweeter* tone that is reserved just for him.

Not that I’m NeNe Leakes when he’s not around. But I do turn my wattage down just a bit when we are out together. Now, at home, he still gets all of me…in my sweetheart tone…most of the time. (lol)

L.A.M.B.

April 28th, 2011
9:46 am

Raqi- I understand your comments perfectly. My ex and I agreed that we both needed to tighten up, we brought a membership to a gym. It seemed like we could never find the time to go together. I discovered that he was going early in the mornings before work with another young lady…..hurt my feelings really bad because when I suggested us doing that he said no can do. People make time for what they really want to do and who they want to do it with.

Raqi V

April 28th, 2011
9:47 am

One more example then I am out the door. Some of the women are probably familiar with that one or maybe two guys that were never that great of a dresser. You know he looked a bit disheveled pretty much all the time.

You try to give him advice and pointers of how to look more put together but he never really cared to make it happen. Then one day you see him with another woman, be it post break-up or still active with you, and he is well dressed every time you see him. The first thing you think is he found it within himself to do for another woman what he was never willing to do for you, or at your advice.

Or the woman that never cooks for one man ‘cause that’s not who she is, but is found to be Betty Crocker’s and Julia Child’s reincarnated offspring when with another man.

Bye. I am late. LOL

MC Hammock

April 28th, 2011
9:48 am

Am I different around the wife than I am around others? You betcha. I can’t do or say the guy things and don’t get as on the edge in the conversation. But then again, she’s miles different now than we were when we dated. What used to be funny and sexy is not not so funny and disgusting. Go figure.

The Reanimated Corpse of Swiss (now with titanium-infused bionic w@ng)

April 28th, 2011
9:50 am

BTW, SexyC, I’m sure it goes without saying, but just in case… I was totally messing with you at the end of the day yesterday. (You know I can’t resist an opening for a one-liner) ;-)

SexyCool

April 28th, 2011
9:59 am

And do I consider that faking it in the relationship? No. I mean think about it. When I am in the office, I am Ms. Professionalism herself. Do I bring that chick home every day? No. So, when I’m out with TheDude, I’m out as his lady….not as one of the girls.

Leggs

April 28th, 2011
10:00 am

Good morning. I understand the hurt feelings he went through. When a person feels they’ve been disrespected or even ignored, rational thought goes out the window. To do something with another that you won’t do with your own mate is like a pimp slap to your face. Doesn’t matter if it’s sexual or not.

SexyCool

April 28th, 2011
10:00 am

SwizzBeats…my memory is so short that I would have to go look back at what you said yesterday to know whether or not I should be offended. And if I were to go look back, I wouldn’t be offended cause I know you and can judge your tone and intent…most of the time. *We* good.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 28th, 2011
10:17 am

I never got the “different” parts of my persona around my SO.

The different sets of friends – definitely, I hang with you for particular reasons.

Work/Home – kinda. I’m still blunt in each case, maybe slightly tempered (with the BO pause as I search for the “right” phrasing).

But with my girl – no.

If anything, I was always of the opinion that my girl needs to know me well; better than anyone. Does that mean “angry Dan”, “sad Dan”, “high faluting Dan”, and “the leftovers of hood Dan”? Yeap, all of it.

Attempting to hide any part of me (other than thouse that would present her with potential legal problems) is not something I’m willing to do. I ask the same from her, because that’s the person (the whole person) that I want to know and love.

SexyCool

April 28th, 2011
10:25 am

As I’ve been thinking about this, I’ve come to the conclusion that what I give TheDude is the real me….just a “softer, gentler” me. And really, why would I act the same with the one person in creation that I am IN love with as I do with everybody else?

Purple Rain

April 28th, 2011
10:25 am

Cheating is cheating it is all bad the same to me. My wife is very different when I am not around, she is aggressive, hell on wheels and just a go getter. When she is with me I am in the lead and she is beside me, I know what lurks under the surface but she is comfortable with me doing my “man thing” and leading. But as far as if she has a secret identity when I am not around I don’t think so. I knew her before we were interested in dating, when we were way younger.

SexyCool

April 28th, 2011
10:27 am

And if anything…he gets more of the real me than anyone else. He sees it all up close and personal.

SexyCool

April 28th, 2011
10:28 am

Exactly, PR. That’s it exactly.

The Reanimated Corpse of Swiss (now with titanium-infused bionic w@ng)

April 28th, 2011
10:30 am

Totally off topic…

F__K ME, it’s gorgeous outside! “Working” from home was definitely the right choice for today…. :-D

Tyron

April 28th, 2011
10:33 am

Most people don’t want to know that their significate other is a freak. That’s not the kind of person you would marry, have kids with, or take home to your parents. Having dated a few married women, and known some married men that cheat, you hear the same story, you wouldn’t want your wife to do the things your girlfriend does, and my husband doesn’t want to do the things I want to do!! If your significant other asks you for more than you’re willing to give, maybe you’re not meant to be togather, move on, lifes to short to be unhappy!! And if you decide to stay, move on, lifes to short to be unhappy!! You know the old saying you can’t turn a hoe into a house wife. And the first time you act like June Cleaver, you got to go!! I didn’t marry you for your cooking (lmao)

Purple Rain

April 28th, 2011
10:38 am

Tyron, I guess I am different. I want my wife to be the freakiest nasitiest she can be and have my kids and meet my parents. I want that all in the same woman.

Purple Rain

April 28th, 2011
10:38 am

The Reanimated Corpse of Swiss (now with titanium-infused bionic w@ng)

April 28th, 2011
10:39 am

“Most people don’t want to know that their significate other is a freak.”

I didn’t get that memo. Must have missed it while licking Mrs. Swiss’s azz… :lol:

abc

April 28th, 2011
10:42 am

I had a friend who would always act so completely different when her man came in the room – including voice tone.

I have realized that a woman should NOT tell her current man about anything she did with past loves/lovers.

that healthy lifestyle she presented to him and convinced him to adopt was a total lie

It’s almost like a theme unto itself, isn’t it?

Leggs

April 28th, 2011
10:44 am

Does anyone else sees the back and forth in that post?

Purple Rain

April 28th, 2011
10:44 am

abc, nothing but net!

Swiss, I think I had my ears covered when that was announced.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 28th, 2011
10:45 am

Yeah, I didn’t get it either.

I told my girl about my…”qualities” from the door.

@SC

I get what you’re saying, and I respect it. And yeah, she even gets “scared Dan” and “gentle Dan” for what it’s worth.

But to change it entirely would feel like I’m hiding something from her.

Kinda like how people would describe me as “he!! on wheels” to my Grandma and when asked “that’s because you scare me Grandmama, you’re slightly.”

SexyCool

April 28th, 2011
10:45 am

Tyron – that post was FULL of contradictions…

You don’t want a freak, but you don’t want June Cleaver? (and y’all are always talking about “female logic.”)

Besides, who’s to say that June wasn’t…er, um….creative?

Purple Rain

April 28th, 2011
10:47 am

SexyCool, June Cleave was rough on the Beaver

The Reanimated Corpse of Swiss (now with titanium-infused bionic w@ng)

April 28th, 2011
10:49 am

“Swiss, I think I had my ears covered when that was announced.”

Purple — By a pair of thighs, I’m assuming. As it should be… :lol:

Chink

April 28th, 2011
10:49 am

Hmmm if someone can tale me to another level it might mean I am with the wrong person..but then again every relationship is different at different points in your life …you can’t expect people to be the same with everyone than your never really growing…

I am not talking about being fake but just about growing as a person.

Chink

April 28th, 2011
10:50 am

SexyCool

April 28th, 2011
10:55 am

WHAT?!?!?! *Gentle* Dan exists?!?!? Get out!!!! (teasing…)