Dating: How much information are you entitled to?
I was talking to my friend about his new relationship when he asked me how he could find out if she had a friends with benefits situation with someone. We actually had a full on discussion about whether he should ask her outright (absolutely not) or how he could read the “signs” and tell. (For the record, all of his supposed signs were dumb)
I thought it was incredibly sweet (although slightly insane) that he was acting so irrationally about this young lady. I have never seen him this “concerned” about a woman’s single status. At the same time, I had to give him a reality check. Keep this up and you will surely blow it, dude. Relax and let things continue to progress naturally. My guess is, the more he spends time with her, the less he will worry about “other dudes” or competition.
To be honest, I never think you should ask for information that you really don’t want the answer to. What would he do if she said, “Yes, I’m getting served up on a weekly basis when I’m not with you!” When you are just in the getting to know you stage of dating, you aren’t entitled to every single detail of that person’s life.
Do you ever wonder if the person you are dating is seeing multiple people? Would it bother you if they were?
How much information do you think you are entitled to? What would you do if someone you were seeing asked you if you were pursuing/seeing/sleeping with other people? Would you be offended? Have you ever asked that question on a date?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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428 comments Add your comment
DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"
April 27th, 2011
12:25 pm
“If you start grilling her about where she’s been and who she’s seeing….guess what happens to your phone number and rating scale?”
Wifey I don’t personally do this, as I’ve stated. However, I think the other guys are saying that being demoted on the rating scale or having your phone number lost would actually be a positive. The woman for those guys would respond and not be offended. If she does otherwise, then they know she’s not the woman for them. Losing their number would be doing them (and her no doubt) a favor.
Raqi V
April 27th, 2011
12:26 pm
FWB with someone while dating someone else
MikeP, but men do it all time and they feel justified on the simple basis of the two have not agreed to only date each other. I absolutely agree with asking what you want to know but stop acting brand new like it’s not that common of an act.
Now getting into a new FWB situation while you are actively dating someone is scandalous, but a person getting it in from a friend and then meeting someone else is not that uncommon.
SexyCool
April 27th, 2011
12:27 pm
If someone that I was *just* dating and not sleeping with had asked me that particular question, my immediate thought would have been – “Where did that question come from? And why would do you want to know?”
Dan - Simply....Superior
April 27th, 2011
12:27 pm
@Sniper
Your post would be valid, if dating was a one way choosing process.
@Wifey
You can “live your life” like you want to, no judgments here. However, if you getting down like that and I’ve told you I’m trying to build something with you, by all mean do so. But, know that I won’t be a part of that life.
Mike P
April 27th, 2011
12:28 pm
wifey: i dont understand what the big deal is, you women folk be asking us all these sorta questions all the time. but when we’re the ones asking the questions you all have a big problem with it. and for the record, when asking the questions, i don’t consider it “shooting myself in the foot”, its more like “dodging a bullet.”
kimmie
April 27th, 2011
12:29 pm
I’m just getting the feeling that some dudes really expect “exclusive” behavior and benefits from jump though they probably aren’t doing the same. It seems they also automatically label a lady that’s not sitting at home waiting on him to ride up on his horse, a ho.
Double standard
Celisea
April 27th, 2011
12:31 pm
I’m just getting the feeling that some dudes really expect “exclusive” behavior and benefits from jump though they probably aren’t doing the same. It seems they also automatically label a lady that’s not sitting at home waiting on him to ride up on his horse, a ho.
ding ding ding…and there you have it.
Mike P
April 27th, 2011
12:33 pm
Raqi V: I’m not acting all brand new… I have standards that only I myself can hold myself to and I can not answer for other men as to why they don’t have similar standards for themselves. So what other men do with their w@ng is non of my concern so as long as its not with the woman I’m dating.
LL411
April 27th, 2011
12:33 pm
Story…. Met guy, he called and wanted to play a “game” you could only pass on 3 questions (HUH?).
Mind you I’m 45+, and I’m like uh, ok?. I had no idea that’s how some people “get to know” (he’s was like late 20’s early 30’s), after a few questions I cut him off and told him I’m of an era where real conversation will reveal everything you need to know. He got angry that I wouldn’t play along and insisted that that was how his friend found a perfect match… WHATEVER!
Wifey
April 27th, 2011
12:34 pm
No, it is definately, positively NOT a job interview. It’s a DATE. Remeber when people used to go on those? You find out with casual, pleasant, conversation watching the way he/she looks at you, seeing any signals she does or puts out and the chemistry. it’s not a situation where you go down a check list in your notebook with a “Yep, Yep, Nope, Yep, Nope, Yep,….). You find out by just experiencing, feeling and listening. For gosh sakes, just make it a medical examination while you’re at it and ask for school transcripts and banking records. If someone was like that, we wouldn’t even make it past the seating part at the restaurant.
And I can see it in the bedroom “Missionary-yep, a WHAT?-definately not, French kiss-have you brushed your teeth yet?. snuggling-have you shaved your legs?”. Thanks, but DEFINATLT no thanks.
Dan - Simply....Superior
April 27th, 2011
12:35 pm
@Cel/Kimmie
Objection: assuming facts not in evidence.
If I haven’t told you about a rotation, do not assume there is one.
Mike P
April 27th, 2011
12:35 pm
I forget who said this early in the blog but it bears repeating: If you’re in a FWB, then you should not be dating, period. and that goes for both sexes male and female.
Mike P
April 27th, 2011
12:36 pm
Dan: please repeat that:
Objection: assuming facts not in evidence.
If I haven’t told you about a rotation, do not assume there is one.
Purple Rain
April 27th, 2011
12:36 pm
Better to ask what you want to know rather than come to your own conclusions. Facts are facts and are not based on emotions or assumptions.
Why didn’t you call me?
Because I thought you were a whore!
You should have asked.
(and that is not gender specific)
DJ Sniper
April 27th, 2011
12:37 pm
Dan, which post were you referring to?
Purple Rain
April 27th, 2011
12:37 pm
See Dan, if we are not trying to get in her pants, some think there must be a rotation when in face we are actually taking things slow and easy
Celisea
April 27th, 2011
12:37 pm
Dan – And if she haven’t told you nor will tell you, you shouldn’t assume she’s got one either.
SexyCool
April 27th, 2011
12:38 pm
Judy: Are you seeing/sleeping with other people?
Joe: Weeeeellll…….I have a few friends that I hang out with sometimes, but it’s nothing serious. I mean, I ain’t got no girlfriend or nothing.
Judy’s now thinking: Yeah. He’s sleeping with at least one of those chicks and at least one of them thinks she’s his girlfriend. Let’s see how this is gonna play out.
********
Joe: Are you seeing/sleeping with other people?
Judy: There’s someone that I’ve been seeing, but I don’t see it going anywhere. In fact, I haven’t seen him in a couple of weeks.
Joe is now thinking: Yeah, she fckn buddy. But…he must not be putting it on her good or he got another girl and it ain’t her turn. I’ma try her out, but I’ma have to watch her too. She prolly a ho.e.”
Celisea
April 27th, 2011
12:39 pm
Dan said he wanted to know and if they didn’t have the talk he would assume something was amiss. Dan it goes both ways. If you don’t have rotation and know that as fact and feel you shouldn’t be accused you should apply that same thought process to someone before grilling them or because they won’t allow the grilling. Doesn’t means she’s guilty, she just may feel you’re not entitled to know.
kimmie
April 27th, 2011
12:41 pm
Dan – This is real life, not a court of law. For my protection, I’m going to assume any healthy normal man I meet is dating others. Not laying up with a different one every night he’s not seeing me, but leading a normal single life. When we get to know each other and decide we want to build something, then that’s where things change. Not that hard. You keep talking about after you’ve decided you want to build a life with someone. At that point if she’s still seeing others, you walk. That’s a no-brainer and not what I’m talking about.
Celisea
April 27th, 2011
12:41 pm
And really if she is hoeing or FWBing and sees you as possibly the one, honestly you think she’ll tell you? Seriously? So again I would ask how would you know….really?
SexyCool
April 27th, 2011
12:43 pm
Cel – exactly.
Raqi V
April 27th, 2011
12:43 pm
And really what right does anyone have to tell someone who they can or cannot see just do date you? You are just dating. Only when you are at the point of wanting a relationship with that person should ask that person to make certain provisions for you.
And better yet find someone that is better suited for you if you find are wanting them to make drastic changes and/or certain parts of their lifestyles does not coincide with what you like or want.
Mike P
April 27th, 2011
12:44 pm
SexyCool: hey if that’s what you think that’s going on then, it is, in your world, not mine.
all men are not dogs, and all men are not cold-hearted, calculating, only wanna-fck-machines.
just like all women are not manipulative, deciteful, controling who_res.
SexyCool
April 27th, 2011
12:45 pm
I know…it’s a boatload of dudes that possess these Cal Lightman/Lie to Me skills…they know a lie when they *see* one.
Wifey
April 27th, 2011
12:45 pm
Right Celisea. I could tell you everytime you ask the question that I’ve only been with one man my entire life…but I’d be lying. But how would you know unless you hired a PI to investigate.
SexyCool
April 27th, 2011
12:47 pm
MikeP – I didn’t say they were…in fact, I intended to post a disclaimer as those two scenarios being examples of the damaged thinking that is one unfortunate result of the state of dating/relationships in today’s society.
And if you will remember, I initially stated (as you agreed with and REstated) that anyone actively involved in an FWB arrangement should not be dating someone else with the intent of entering into a serious relationship.
Raqi V
April 27th, 2011
12:47 pm
SexyCool, is this BigBooty Judy that you keep referring to? LOL
kimmie
April 27th, 2011
12:47 pm
SCool – abc says all women lie anyway!LOL!!
Raqi V
April 27th, 2011
12:49 pm
honestly you think she’ll tell you? Seriously?
Like DUH, do they really believe that she would. LOL
abc
April 27th, 2011
12:49 pm
For me, a chick that was dating more than one guy at a time seemed frivolous, a turn-off. Not my type. Maybe some folks don’t mind that sort of thing, but if I was interested in a chick, I was interested, and if she wasn’t likewise interested, I’d leave it alone. I was never inclined to try and sell myself to anyone. I suppose you might call it a requirement of real chemistry.
Chink
April 27th, 2011
12:49 pm
You see this is tricky because I have had a long term relationship with someone and I was hurt when I found out he was seeing others in the beginning after he told me he wasn’t..and we were just dating then.
Bottom line just tell the truth…
SexyCool
April 27th, 2011
12:50 pm
He sure does, kimmie.
Raqi V
April 27th, 2011
12:52 pm
But alphabet man how would know she is seeing some other guy on a non-serious type of way? She could just be seeing him once every quarter for maintenance purposes while she look for the one. How would you know she had him and then ended it with him when you begin to grow on her?
DJ Sniper
April 27th, 2011
12:52 pm
Abc, so you’ve never been the type to date more than one woman at a time?
Chink
April 27th, 2011
12:52 pm
Abc ..I agree with ya
Hey is Big Booty Judy from a movie or something..not the first time I heard that.
abc
April 27th, 2011
12:53 pm
And really if she is hoeing or FWBing and sees you as possibly the one, honestly you think she’ll tell you? Seriously? So again I would ask how would you know….really?
Now, yall can call me out on it, but on the same page you back up what I’m saying. Of course, a man can’t expect a chick to tell him the truth about anything she doesn’t want to tell. It’s just the way chicks are, and by leading their lives by this principle, are adept enough at lying that most people can’t tell. Men, on the other hand, suck at lying.
You may as well not bother asking about the number or relationship history or anything else. Just go with your gut, guys. But me, if I felt like asking, I’d just ask.
Leggs
April 27th, 2011
12:55 pm
@kimmie ~ but we know better.
Celisea
April 27th, 2011
12:57 pm
abc – C’mon every breathing being knows the trait of lying for a man is in his dna.
kimmie
April 27th, 2011
12:57 pm
Leggs – Like I said earlier, me thinks the double standard is in full effect here!
abc
April 27th, 2011
12:58 pm
No, I’m not the type to deal with more than 1 woman at a time. I can’t say I never did, but I can say that I didn’t like it, and it wasn’t a persistent condition. But then, I never had a relationship that took a long time to get off the ground. They were all at high altitude pretty much from the start. It makes sense to me — if we weren’t really really interested in each other, I wouldn’t have wasted my time and effort on them.
Leggs
April 27th, 2011
12:58 pm
“You may as well not bother asking about the number or relationship history or anything else. Just go with your gut” Pray tell, how do you do that? Unless she’s a virgin it’s safe to say she’s been in a few relationship over the course of her life.
Mike P
April 27th, 2011
12:59 pm
DJ Sniper: Abc, so you’ve never been the type to date more than one woman at a time?
I can’t answer for abc, but I would like to answer this one: I have never dated more than one person at a time. Now mind you, I’ve entertained the idea if my current doesn’t pan out and I’ve already decided she has no future with me then I might go look up the girl who flirted with me and gave me her number (without me asking for it). But have never dated one girl while dating another a week later. I focus dating one at a time.
SexyCool
April 27th, 2011
12:59 pm
Oh man…did y’all see the video of that cop punching that chick in IHOP over the weekend? He cold-cocked that ass. (lol) The video that they had on Channel 11 was a clearer shot of the punch than the one they had on Channel 2. He’s about to have some problems.
Leggs
April 27th, 2011
1:00 pm
Yes indeed, yes indeed. It’s funny to read that a man would assume a woman is in a relationship or sleeping with someone even if she says she’s not. That was weird.
Celisea
April 27th, 2011
1:01 pm
I did and without fully knowing allllll the details, she threw back a few good blows of her own….good for her.
Leggs
April 27th, 2011
1:01 pm
Now, that’s what you call, going around the mulberry bush to answer the question…the answer is YES!
Celisea
April 27th, 2011
1:03 pm
I just think men should realize when you have all these hoops and requirements, more often than not you’re getting told what you want to hear. Like Leggs said, unless you’re her first or the other extreme she’s got a hole like the abyss….you know what she reveals and tells.
Willie Dynamite
April 27th, 2011
1:04 pm
Afternoon All,
I am a little surprised at some of the responses today. IMO I think alot of folks are quite naive. The ratio of folks only dating 1 person at a time i would guess is very small. These same folks however are in the same pool as folks dating multiples, yet they are looking for that 2nd needle in the haystack. I don’t and wont bash them for having their standards set at that level. The rest of us on the otherhand seem somewhat presumptuos in that we believe that every other single person IS dating multiples.
Celisea
April 27th, 2011
1:05 pm
And while I do buy into the notion that how people truly are will surface, I’ve also seen women that was a bit loose and met the one and got their act together. Because they’re intentions to go straight was one of the heart, they didn’t fall back into that “loose” lifestyle….silly rabbits