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Dating: How much information are you entitled to?

I was talking to my friend about his new relationship when he asked me how he could find out if she had a friends with benefits situation with someone.  We actually had a full on discussion about whether he should ask her outright (absolutely not) or how he could read the “signs” and tell. (For the record, all of his supposed signs were dumb)

I thought it was incredibly sweet (although slightly insane) that he was acting so irrationally about this young lady.   I have never seen him this “concerned” about a woman’s single status.  At the same time, I had to give him a reality check.  Keep this up and you will surely blow it, dude. Relax and let things continue to progress naturally. My guess is, the more he spends time with her, the less he will worry about “other dudes” or competition.

To be honest, I never think you should ask for information that you really don’t want the answer to. What would he do if she said, “Yes, I’m getting served up on a weekly basis when I’m not with you!”  When you are just in the getting to know you stage of dating, you aren’t entitled to every single detail of that person’s life.

Do you ever wonder if the person you are dating is seeing multiple people? Would it bother you if they were?

How much information do you think you are entitled to? What would you do if someone you were seeing asked you if you were pursuing/seeing/sleeping with other people? Would you be offended? Have you ever asked that question on a date?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

428 comments Add your comment

Geechee

April 27th, 2011
7:15 am

Sorry MIA, but your buddy is going to blow it for sure. If he is that much of a protectionist that early in the game, then he will be over the top as the relationship progresses.

It doesn’t bother me if my new dating partner was seeing someone else early in the dating cycle. Exclusivity doesn’t happen automatically with the first date. It has to be earned as the relationship progresses. It is common in every relationship to eventually have the conversation about whether either partner is seeing someone else and that eventually leads to the exclusive agreement.

In the modern dating world of Match.com, when both partners feel that a reasonable match has been found, they agree to turn off their match profiles to other potential partners. It’s like a modern, electronic confirmation of exclusivity.

call me dude

April 27th, 2011
7:24 am

It is not necessarily bad that the girl of your dreams is getting it on with someone else. I am pretty sure my “personal trainer” is getting it on with another dude. I think of her relationship with me as very smooth, I was getting alot of pain in my knee and she made it all go away, so I think of our relationship as healing. She manipulated the aching joint like a majician, I really like her. I pay her, sooooooooo it is business,however there is a lot of pleasure doing business with her.

SlimNumeroUno

April 27th, 2011
7:58 am

Good Woebegone Wednesday,

I have no problem nor think it’s inappropriate to ask a date if they are currently dating others. I would not necessarily get all specific with whether or not they have a FWB, or how many of the folks they date are actually effing each other. For the most part, I always assume a person I have just met is at least talking to one other person

Bada Bing

April 27th, 2011
8:01 am

What my date does is non of my business unless we are sleeping together. There should be a pre-coitus agreement…kinda like a pre nup.
I’m serious

Atlanta= land of the free, home of the thirsty

April 27th, 2011
8:03 am

“Do you ever wonder if the person you are dating is seeing multiple people?”
No, just ask. These are grown people, right?

“Would it bother you if they were?”
If they were trying to hide it yes. If they were upfront about it, no. Seems there’s some confusion here between “dating” and exclusive. If the two aren’t exclusive what’s the deal?

I’ll be sitting this one out today.

czBrat

April 27th, 2011
8:25 am

I never think you should ask for information that you really don’t want the answer to.
easy breezy. moving on.

HiYas

Ark2011

April 27th, 2011
9:04 am

It’s all a part of it. It’s no business of mine who she sees when I’m not with her and vice versa. Once we become committed, then the rules change. I’ve had FWB’s and I know many women that have had or have them. Nothing wrong with that. Some want the pleasure without the strings. To each their own. To be honest, it kinda excites me that a woman would have a FWB’s because it lets you know off hand that she does have a libido and a strong one at that.

Lana

April 27th, 2011
9:08 am

It’s no business of anyone else until you become mutually exclusive. I wouldn’t ask and wouldn’t like being asked until we decide “we are officially a couple”. I have had a couple of guy friends in the past year and sometimes we hang out and even get naked. He thinks it’s sexy that a woman can view sex and simply pleasureable and fun and believe me, I’m all about that. You anal retentive, holier than thou, goody two shoes can blast all you want about how bad it is, but as for me, I plan on getting me some this weekend.

MC Hammock

April 27th, 2011
9:12 am

Nope, none….what is in the past is in the past. I’ve done a few things and had some “relationships” that I wouldn’t want to advertise, but they sure were fun, fun, fun. I don’t mind a reasonable amount of trouble. When you become a couple, the slate starts then and there. Simply put, don’t ask the question if you don’t want to hear the answer.

knockoutblonde

April 27th, 2011
9:16 am

If you’re that nosey about my past, I might even make stuff up just to shock you. It’s none of your business. Who HASN’T done stuff they don’t want out in the open. You lived and you learned. I’d rather be and have someone that has taken a few risks, been burned a time or two, but at least they LIVED life. You can take your boring, always by the book, conservative types with you to the grave. You only go through life once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

Wifey

April 27th, 2011
9:19 am

If there is any one on this blog that hasn’t had a few shadows in their past, you’re either very boring or not trying. I could care less about your past and don’t ask me about mine. Of course, I’m refering to the regular stuff. If you were a drug pusher, murderer or rapist, that’s different. But the occassional threesome, tried pot or had FWB’s (god knows, I’ve had many of them in my past), all you’re gonna do is perk my interest.

LL411

April 27th, 2011
9:23 am

If you seem to be happy, healthy and living I assume you have a life pre LL411, no I don’t ask and to be honest it raises my horns when asked… Now, if we start off on the good foot, enjoying each others company we’ll spend more and more time together and if either of us “had” a FWB we’d probably never have known. I co-sign with MC “When you become a couple, the slate starts then and there” no need to visit the past. After my s/o and I’d been together for awhile he wanted to back into details, I told him I honestly don’t rememeber much… you see he’d stepped in an replaced all that :)

abc

April 27th, 2011
9:29 am

Of course a bunch of chicks wouldn’t want to disclose. Yawn.

I’d just ask, if I wanted to know. If a chick was dating me and casually effing someone else, she’d no longer be dating me. I’d want to know something like that — it would be a strong indication of moral lack of compatibility.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 27th, 2011
9:40 am

He has every right to know if she’s sleeping with someone else, especially if they’re sleeping together; or even plan to.

When I got to feeling some kinda way about a female, I asked. If she was indeed getting “served weekly” whilst dating me, then we no longer need to see each other.

M. (pronouced M dot)

April 27th, 2011
9:43 am

Good day.

This is an interesting topic because some people want their cake and to eat it to in dating…meaning they want to do their thing and want you to just sit on the sidelines waiting. I live by one rule, if we are just dating….stay out of my business and I will stay out of yours. I was seeing a woman who was always trying to cross reference what I said…Such as:

Her: What are doing this weekend?

Me: Meeting my friend for dinner, you?

Her: Which friend is this?

Me: Blank face:

Do you ever wonder if the person you are dating is seeing multiple people? Would it bother you if they were?
I sometimes wonder but then if we aren’t exclusive I cant say anything. Also over time, whatever she is doing will come to the light…Honestly most women really aren’t good at really handling 2 guys at one time unless she keeps it super real with you but she probably wont because of how she thinks you will look at her if she says, hey I am dating a couple of guys now. He WONT take you serious.

How much information do you think you are entitled to? What would you do if someone you were seeing asked you if you were pursuing/seeing/sleeping with other people? Would you be offended? Have you ever asked that question on a date?

I wouldnt say I am entitled to much information, but I will say just keep me out of your love triangle and I have to remove myself from the drama if I sense it. I have been asked that question and I just tell them the truth. Some women give vague answers like, well I date…what does that REALLY mean lol?

czBrat

April 27th, 2011
9:52 am

s/o had a terrible habit of asking soooo many ??? rule is … if you ask, expect honest answers. i think that early in our relationship he really believed there was something to uncover. mine is what some on this blog would probably consider a boring dating past. fine by me.

anyone here in need of a chuckle? (Daniel is a beast!! LOL)
http://www.someecards.com/2011/04/06/the-best-obnoxious-responses-to-misspellings-on-facebook

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 27th, 2011
9:52 am

Not to be crass, but if she’s getting it in with another dude, I don’t know where that ends.

I deplore the thought of kissing/being/holding something or somewhere another man has “visited” recently.

Celisea

April 27th, 2011
10:00 am

Morning,

WOW. Most will say they’re cool with whatever a person does while not in a relationship or have done prior to their relationship. I will agree to a certain extent. I don’t want to know what happened and I’m okay with whatever floats your boat prior to me but I ain’t cool if we’re starting up and you’re still getting at with someone else. I for one, may be catching feelings but maybe not yet established exclusivity ain’t cool with the one minor detail of just because we’ve not officially sealed, giving you the green light to do other chicks. What? You’re going to just drop everybody June 1st lickity (sp) split? Right. I tend to feel the need to peel back while we’re making our way to exclusivity so by the time we arrive there’s no other contenders. Yeah, that’s what they say but really I don’t know too many dudes cool with picturing some dude hamming you while the most he’s getting is a couple hours of your time over dinner all because ya’ll ain’t seal the deal but everything else (feelings, spending time together, possibly sex, etc) is happening.

Celisea

April 27th, 2011
10:00 am

there are no other contenders

kimmie

April 27th, 2011
10:02 am

Morning All!

You are right, M dot, that a lot want their cake and the ice cream and everything else! But they don’t want you to have any. Guess what? It doesn’t work that way! It’s unrealistic for either party to expect the other was sitting at home twiddling their thumbs before you came along. Both should assume the other is dating when they meet. Dating and all that could possibly go along with it, be it sleeping together or just a good night kiss. All that is possible when you are dating. Unless you are going on a lot of first dates that end with a handshake, and we all know that’s not likely!

So you meet someone new. Date and get to know that person. This is another good reason for holding off on the intimacy. If you don’t want to go where someone else may have been recently, chill. When the 2 of you decide to be exclusive is when all the “side” stuff should be cut off. Then you can ask the questions. But you don’t have the right to roll in and expect exclusivity, when you yourself are still getting some FWB stuff on the regular.

Purple Rain

April 27th, 2011
10:08 am

If you have a question ask it, everyone involved is an adult right?

And it is okay to ask someone if they are currently sexually active and I usually follow that up with asking if they are disease free. If you are offended by me asking you, that is a sure sign you are not my type.

Purple Rain

April 27th, 2011
10:10 am

Dan I agree, I am supposed to be putting in the courting efforts and then after I drop her off she calls a dude over for clean up duty? I don’t think so.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 27th, 2011
10:10 am

For the record,

As long as there is no video and/or Ray J wasn’t involved – I don’t care about your “past”. I’m only concerned abou the time we’ve been seeing each other.

If you had a regular “buddy” prior to us getting together and didn’t cut that off, it’s a problem for me. Reason being, if you hadn’t seen enough in me to make him useless to that cause, then we don’t need to continue forward.

And yeah, the “we weren’t exclusive” thing doesn’t really work for me (as I don’t use it), because if we’re seeing each other and see a future together, your instinct should’ve been to let the other dude he’s been replaced.

LL411

April 27th, 2011
10:11 am

Kimmie… EXACTLY!

Celisea

April 27th, 2011
10:12 am

And to answer what I think on whether or not you’re “entitled”…NO, NOPE. However I have nothing to hide. I won’t answer questions because frankly you should be concerned with what’s currently on the table. But what’s currently on the table is all that should exist.

Celisea

April 27th, 2011
10:14 am

Dan – I’m agreeing with your 10:10

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 27th, 2011
10:14 am

*about and “*know he’s been replaced”

kimmie

April 27th, 2011
10:19 am

I guess I am confused. Are we talking new-new, as in about 5 or 6 dates or are we talking about you’ve been seeing each other a few months?

Because you’re right, if we’ve been seeing each other awhile and just haven’t had “the talk” about being exclusive, you can’t play that card. You should have cut the others off already.

But if it’s only been a few dates, uh no, your expectations that that person is only seeing you are persumptuous.

DJ Sniper

April 27th, 2011
10:21 am

When I was single, I wasn’t really bothered when I met a new chick and found out she was dating others, because I was doing the same. If things started to move towards a more serious tone, then we would discuss cutting all others off. That’s pretty much what happened with me and my wife.

LL411

April 27th, 2011
10:25 am

I just didn’t like guys that come off the rip wanting to talk about my sex life or his for that matter…. We don’t know each other yet. After time, we’ll both know if we’re interested in more and the conversation will naturally turn in that direction.

If you had a regular “buddy” prior to us getting together and didn’t cut that off, it’s a problem for me.

Say it!

abc

April 27th, 2011
10:25 am

Sooner or later, you’ll want to know their past. Criminal history, drug use, religious views, relationship history, etc. If you don’t know those things, then you don’t know them. History of relationships demonstrates a lot about their character. If they did the football team, or if they’d have sex with whoever was available as long as they didn’t have to go without, are not that different of a scale, in my opinion — they all point to a lack of moral compatibility with someone like me. If they’re doing someone else while they’re getting to know you, it doesn’t seem to me that they’re all that interested in you.

While I’d just ask a chick if I wanted to know, 99% of the time I figure she wouldn’t tell, or would lie.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 27th, 2011
10:26 am

@Kimmie

The line isn’t that clear for me.

3 or 4 dates, I couldn’t tell you. But for me when I feel the *need* to kiss you, that’s when that other dude should be pink-slipped.

DJ Sniper

April 27th, 2011
10:31 am

WiseDiva, was your friend wondering if his new chick still had her cut buddy, or did he just want to know if she had had one period?

SexyCool

April 27th, 2011
10:38 am

Do you ever wonder if the person you are dating is seeing multiple people? Um…no…I’d just ask IF we were at the point where I was concerned about it. Until such time, I would assume that a single, dating person who is single is dating.

Would it bother you if they were? No. Because at some point, if the relationship is taking us to an exclusive situation, the conversation would be held and it should no longer be a concern. Until a definite decision is made about where the relationship is going…all bets are off. Would I like it? Probably not. But do I understand and expect it? Of course.

Chink

April 27th, 2011
10:38 am

I have never been the serial dater…One at a time for me. I give you my undivided attention so there is no excuses about why it won’t work.

And if I feel someone is putting me in a rotation he is cut off. I don’t compete.

Mike P

April 27th, 2011
10:41 am

WD: How much information do you think you are entitled to?
Reply: Sounds like dude is really feeling for that girl and wants to invest more into it, but he doesn’t (and shouldn’t) takes things any further until he has the answers he needs. We are entitled to all the answers we seek, but if these questions aren’t answered, then don’t get mad if we come to our own conclusions and behave accordingly.

WD: What would you do if someone you were seeing asked you if you were pursuing/seeing/sleeping with other people? Would you be offended?
Reply: I would be completely honest with that woman if asked, I don’t have anything to hide and I wouldn’t be offended in the least bit.

WD: Have you ever asked that question on a date?
Reply: Yes I have asked before, and I will continue to ask in the future. I have to protect my interests; I don’t want to end up catching feelings for a “street lady.”

DFW D.C.

April 27th, 2011
10:42 am

until you make the rotation, why even wonder

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 27th, 2011
10:42 am

This:

2. Their “window of bangingness” is much, much longer than all other women’s.

Between the fine wines – women who seem to get better looking as they get older (think Halle Berry), the steadies — women who seem to look exactly the same as they did when they were 25 (think Stacey Dash), the seasoning salts — super fine 20 year olds who are now super fine 40 year olds (think Nia Long), the martians — women whose combination of age, fineness, and proportions defy the laws of the universe (think Kenya Moore), the shirleys – legitimately old women who still look like they’ll wear your ass out (think Jenifer Lewis), and the loomers — women who decided to wait until they were 43 to become dimes (think Regina King), it’s not a game with black women’s “aging well” game.

–Today’s VSB (www.verysmartbrothas.com) post

SexyCool

April 27th, 2011
10:46 am

And quite frankly, a person who is sexually involved with one person really shouldn’t be dating another person with the intent of starting a relationship. I know it doesn’t happen that way….but really…if Judy is jumping up and down on Jimmy’s johnson while she’s dating Joe, Judy is cheating herself and Joe.

This is a prime example of SAYING you want to be in a relationship but ACTING otherwise. Guess what? It’s really not okay to be settling for an FWB when what you really want is the whole package…but…you can’t tell grown people that. (lol)

cba

April 27th, 2011
10:47 am

Celisea 10:00, AGREE
Dan 9:40, 9:52, AGREE,AGREE
PR 10:08, AGREE
abc 10:25, AGREE

Raqi V

April 27th, 2011
10:50 am

if Judy is jumping up and down on Jimmy’s johnson while she’s dating Joe, Judy is cheating herself and Joe

I was sitting here calmly looking out my window at the grey sky when this ^ grown-up riddle appeared on my screen and made me LMBO.

That’s all I have to say…”I am laughing my behind off at those few words”.

Raqi V

April 27th, 2011
10:52 am

Oh one last thing, so many people settle for the FWB situations hoping to change it into something more.

Mike P

April 27th, 2011
10:52 am

DAN: I totally agree with your 10:10 am post.

ABC: I see what you’re saying in your 10:25am post and I also agree with you.

Mike P

April 27th, 2011
10:54 am

SexyCool: you ain’t neva lied about that, your post on 10:46am is spot on :)

Raqi V

April 27th, 2011
10:57 am

If Judy is jumping on Jimmy’s johnson while jockeying for Joe’s, how many johnsons will Judy end of up with? None.

SexyCool

April 27th, 2011
10:58 am

And that’s not to say that I have not done that very thing myself. However, as I learned better, I did better.

And you’re right, Rock. A lot of times the logic, mostly for females unfortunately, is that they can sex him into changing his mind about a relationship.

kimmie

April 27th, 2011
11:00 am

Raqi – Your 10:52, I agree totally

Dan – I get what you are saying. Me personally, I was always like Chink, only really date one at a time. That might not be the hip thing to admit to, but that’s me. I can only concentrate on one at a time. If it ends at one date, so be it. But I couldn’t realistically expect that the guys I meet up with are the same and more than likely are dating others. That’s why I’ve always taken my time to get to know a guy before getting super-close. He has plenty of time to cut the others off by the time we get there.

Blackfoote

April 27th, 2011
11:04 am

Information drives us along the road of life and if you’re not informing(transparent)then you can park on the railroad tracks. I don’t need to read your diary but information is crucial for both individuals.

Celisea

April 27th, 2011
11:06 am

Raqi – Oh one last thing, so many people settle for the FWB situations hoping to change it into something more.

You’re exactly right.

The Reanimated Corpse of Swiss (now with titanium-infused bionic w@ng)

April 27th, 2011
11:11 am

“Sooner or later, you’ll want to know their past. Criminal history, drug use, religious views, relationship history, etc. If you don’t know those things, then you don’t know them”

abc — Cosign.