Pop-up visits: Bad idea or worth a try?
My friend Kevin had a woman show up at his home unexpectedly this weekend. They have been on 3 dates so far and he couldn’t remember telling her where she lived. He sent me a text message asking me if I gave her his home address (they met through at a mutual friend’s birthday dinner) and of course I hadn’t.
He is trying to figure out if she is some crazy, stalker girl or if he inadvertently gave her his address. Even so, she took the liberty of coming by with a bag of groceries to cook him a nice Sunday dinner. While the gesture was sweet and thoughtful, he is hung up on the fact that she pulled a pop-up visit on him.
I don’t know why it’s a big deal, though. Do men dislike surprise visits from women that much? If you really like them, does it matter if they show up unannounced?
Admittedly, I don’t know if I’d pop up on a new guy in my life, and I probably would raise an eyebrow if he did it to me. I don’t think it would be a deal breaker though!
What do you think? Do you wait on an invitation to the man’s home or do you feel comfortable coming by on a whim?
Have you ever shown up somewhere your date wasn’t expecting you? Did it go over well? Are you generally opposed to surprises when it comes to this kind of thing?
I kind of like dating surprises! As long as they don’t result in injury, jail time, or a hefty fine for public nudity. Not saying any of those things have happened to me, though.
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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566 comments Add your comment
kimmie
April 20th, 2011
11:02 am
If you’re looking for something, you’ll usually find it. I have found that in relationships, when were were truly getting close and the guy was really on the up and up, barriers were taken down and there was nothing to hide. I didn’t feel the need to be suspicious and “look” for signs of foul play. Didn’t have to wonder. Didn’t have to ask a lot of questions at all, because everything is pretty much laid out for me to see, whether it was good or bad. Didn’t have to worry about where he might be because he gladly volunteered the information in general conversation. We are able to be very open with each other while still respecting the other person’s privacy.
Whenever someone was very secretive and evasive about even the simplest of things, that was an indication that he was playing games, or just not into me.
For Real
April 20th, 2011
11:04 am
Raqi: “I have to believe the only people that are dead set against someone they are supposedly in a longterm relationship with showing up every now and then, not making a habit of it, is those that can be caught living foul.” – Assume the worst huh? It has nothing to do with respect in your opinion. You sound like those people who say “The police can search my house or listen to my phone calls because I got nothing to hide”. The issue isn’t “living foul” the is respect and privacy. Which doesn’t go way with marriage. Also, you example of your son doesn’t count. He is a child living in your home, he doesn’t have any rights.
Brats: That was a buster ass move by ole boy. He could have surprised you with the buds even if he called you. Also, having a key to a home doesn’t give you rights to that home.
Willie Dynamite
April 20th, 2011
11:05 am
For the Ladies that are in exclusive relationships and think the pop-ups are ok. If your S/O expresses some resistance to your pop-ups would you then think about trust issues? Would it deter you from doing them again?
Leggs
April 20th, 2011
11:05 am
Random women, but shared “true personal space.” SMDH!
For Real
April 20th, 2011
11:08 am
Kimmie: I agree with you. If you believe someone is not treating you the way you want them to treat you, why waste your time playing I-spy to confirm your suspensions? Bounce!!!
Fion
April 20th, 2011
11:13 am
Aye man,
before the day is out you’ll have people on here saying “they have the Right to Pop-up,
Drop-in or Drive-by” on you.
Just watch.
Purple Rain
April 20th, 2011
11:13 am
Pop ups are a no no. Unless we are at the point in which I give you a key. Once I give you a key you can come and go as you please.
Purple Rain
April 20th, 2011
11:15 am
Now I have never given a woman a key to house I lived in.
czBrat
April 20th, 2011
11:16 am
WD, if s/o and i were on different pages as to just how welcome we are in each others space there would definitely be some trust issues. and where there are trust issues there is no future.
can’t have one person living life as an open book and the other operating on a need-to-know basis.
i tend to view things as raqi said, if you have nothing to hide you hide nothing. and i’m not talking about strangers or authority figures because i do value my privacy. i’m talking about people close to me.
PrincessNik
April 20th, 2011
11:17 am
why waste your time playing I-spy
TenderRoni
April 20th, 2011
11:18 am
@WilleD- to your question. If my s/o discussed it with me and he preferred no pop-ups. I would respect his request, and wouldn’t have trust issues with that. I would think more along the lines of respecting his space/privacy.
Purple Rain
April 20th, 2011
11:20 am
Men hold on to your personal space for as long as you can. Women are not happy until they can get in it and take it over or provide thier input. Put that woman on scheduled visits, for your sanity!
Fion
April 20th, 2011
11:24 am
Now you know Uncle Fion has a Drop-in story. Ok Boxer shorts and Broads here it go.
So, I had broke off the relationship with this chick 2months prior.
One Saturday night my New Lady was over. I’d cook dinner couple bottles of Wine
flowers the whole 9.
……(yeah, I set it off fellas)
We take the great atmosphere upstairs for continuation. About 11:30 my doorbell rings.
I’m stunned, cause I’m thinking “who the hell’s at my door”.
I get up, go look out the window……right Crazy’s at the door. I tell the New Lady stay right there, don’t you move, I’ll take care of this.
I go down to the door “Bucketed Necked’, snatched the door open and said with a stern voice
“What the Hell are you doing”??????? Needless to say she was so stunned and embarrassed she got in her car and left. The whole encounter took about a minute and a half.
The only thing I regret is giving Ms. Cook the Full Monty. My neighbor across the Street.
Nice Lady. I apologized to her.
Willie Dynamite
April 20th, 2011
11:26 am
Brat – I understand what you are saying but does that mean if someone is not ok with a pop-up visit that you are not welcomed in their space? Does that mean someone that doesn’t like unannounced visits has something to hide?
kimmie
April 20th, 2011
11:26 am
Purple – Thinking back, my fiance is the only guy I have ever given a key to my house! He had given me a key to his way before I gave him one to mine too. I’ve always given a key to family members and a trusted neighbor for safety reasons, but that’s all.
Swapping keys while in a relationship was new to me though. Guess I’ve never trusted a man as much as I trust him. Interesting. Because of the kids, I mostly went over to his house. Now I’m moving into his house!
Celisea
April 20th, 2011
11:28 am
The only thing I regret is giving Ms. Cook the Full Monty. My neighbor across the Street.
Nice Lady. I apologized to her.
That’s funny…lol
Raqi V
April 20th, 2011
11:28 am
Just standing here thinking about the whole post, that woman is probably someone that is okay with a guy she is dating showing up at her house to surprise her, which is why she didn’t see anything wrong with showing up at his house. 9 times out of 10, what we allow is what we do.
And it really does show who has major trust issues, when everything can be back to “you are doing XYZ to spy on me”.
When these statements get interpreted in your mind as this
, you have trust issue.
“Can I use your cell phone” = “You just want to see what numbers I have in my phone”
“I am down the street can I come by” = “You are just trying to catch me with someone else”
“May I use your bathroom” = “You just want to see what’s in my medicine cabinet”
“May I use your bathroom” = “You just want to see if there is evidence of another person being here”
For Real
April 20th, 2011
11:28 am
Aman Purp, Aman!!!! Also, see Brat Jedi Mind trick at 11:16. The old “if you ain’t got nothing to hide let me see” trick but if ole boy asked to read her diary she would sound like a lawyer from the ACLU.
Leggs
April 20th, 2011
11:30 am
@Fion ~ Why the WLBs have to be broads? If the men are boxer shorts why can’t we be boy shorts or something. Anything but a broad!
Raqi V
April 20th, 2011
11:31 am
ForReal, as I stated earlier I am all for respecting other people’s space and having mine respected. However I have areas where I let certain people in.
Leggs
April 20th, 2011
11:32 am
“I’ve always given a key to family members and a trusted neighbor for safety reasons, but that’s all.” Same here!
Fion
April 20th, 2011
11:32 am
@ Leggs
…..my bad. How’s this ‘Sexy Kittens”
SexyCool
April 20th, 2011
11:33 am
O/T – It really is good to know folks who know how to do sht. Our hot water went out on Friday. We got a quote from a dude who is the brother of a friend of TheDude’s. He told us that it sounded like the hot water heater needed to be *rebuilt* or replaced and that it would cost us around $250 to *rebuild* and nearly $800 to replace.
First of all – I AIN’T NEVUH heard of a water heater being rebuilt. (Although I did google it and find out that changing elements and thermostats is considered *rebuilding*.)
However, I talked to one of the guys that I work with who built his own house, ground up. He came by the house yesterday and changed out the heating elements for the cost of the parts ($20) and a Popeye’s combo.
Leggs
April 20th, 2011
11:34 am
@Fion ~ Thank you, sir!
Raqi V
April 20th, 2011
11:35 am
WillieD, that’s the type of stuff that has to become understood and established. As I stated earlier I am very selective, so even with the smallest of SOME issues with me and mine we have to see eye-to-eye or else we could not mesh. If we don’t mesh we don’t relate. It’s simply a matter of being with the one that is right for you.
SexyCool
April 20th, 2011
11:37 am
I don’t want folks dropping by my house because it’s not always company clean. My *small circle* folk don’t care about that. Anybody else…you’re not getting in.
Raqi V
April 20th, 2011
11:37 am
We got a quote from a dude who is the brother of a friend of TheDude’s
SexyCool, why did you do that? You could have just rode thru your neighborhood and told some random guy standing in his yard that you water tank had gone out. LOL
MzNewy
April 20th, 2011
11:39 am
@ Kimmie – your 11:02 is on point…When folks show me who they are, I believe them…I don’t go hit up my girlfriends with scenarios etc…I take it for what it is.
TenderRoni
April 20th, 2011
11:40 am
An s/o will not always be at the same point as you…you have to allow them time to grow.
PrincessNik
April 20th, 2011
11:40 am
SCool,
It really is good to know folks who know how to do sht.
Co-sign on that! I work in Maintenance (i think i’ve mentioned that) and one of the guys lives around the corner from me and is married to a high school classmate of mine. I don’t know what I would do without him sometimes. If he can’t handle it then i have a couple of other guys I trust enough to come do work at my house.
DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"
April 20th, 2011
11:40 am
Hmmmm, so if you don’t like popups, then you automatically have something to hide? Come on now, the logic doesn’t even follow. Are there people in my life who could get a pass on a popup…sure. But those same people would never do it. The people you give the most rope should be the ones who would never take it.
SexyCool
April 20th, 2011
11:41 am
“You could have just rode thru your neighborhood” – Through my neighborhood?!? (that made me laugh)
Celisea
April 20th, 2011
11:41 am
Morning,
I think in the guy’s case today that’s just way wrong. I don’t know who said but I agree. Sounds like he was feeling her and she shot herself in the foot on this one. But I cannot say I’m totally against. Exclusive and serioulsy jiving? I’m open to NICE surpise visits every now and then. Not 8 days a week though. If it becomes to much, we can talk about but I wouldn’t say it’s a deal breaker. If it’s just smothering then I think we dangerously approaching splitsville.
Fion
April 20th, 2011
11:43 am
That’s why this Bolg is BS.
You Women know Good and Damn well you don’t want Ol Boy showin’ up at yo Door unannounced.
I’m going to lunch. Later for this BS.
Purple Rain
April 20th, 2011
11:45 am
We can tell when a woman is being genuine, nosey or suspicious.
kimmie
April 20th, 2011
11:45 am
Popeye’s combo.
I love it!!!
SCool – Knowing folks that can do things is INVALUABLE, especially when owning a house!!
My air conditioning went out last summer, to the point where patchups were not even working anymore. I needed a new unit and the guy that worked on it said I was going to be out at least 3-4K. I told him thanks and I would save up my money over the next year so by this summer I would have it to get a new unit. Oh yes, I asked around. My next-door neighbor had just had a new one and a good friend put his in for 1200. Does A/C work for a major apartment property company so he can get parts cheap. He gave me the number and charged me the same. Did excellent work too. He’s putting in a new one for another neighbor tomorrow.
MzNewy
April 20th, 2011
11:45 am
@ Fion…I got a good chuckle out of your pop-up story. LOL
Raqi V
April 20th, 2011
11:46 am
You are right. If one of my besties came over right now and saw this laundry I am folding stacked here on the table it wouldn’t phase me one bit.
In my next house I am going to find a way to have a large folding surface to fold laundry on in the laundry room.
Purple Rain
April 20th, 2011
11:46 am
Fion, since you put it like that. LOL No woman likes to be pooped up on, but they use the guise of “they need to look presentable or get ready” lol
Raqi V
April 20th, 2011
11:47 am
Fion, if you cannot accept another person’s opinion or way of doing things you probably should not be on this blog. Stop getting so upset because people do things different than you.
Celisea
April 20th, 2011
11:47 am
Maybe we just see things differently. For one thing I think (no disrespect to any gender) that men tend to have the rotation thing going and more cause to not want drop-ins. I think in most cases (not all) women are exclusive or trying to get there. Heck naw, joe schmoe can’t just drop by. I can’t see it being a REALLY big deal being exclusive, spending time and doing things together. Like I said there’s a line in the sand but not a hard line if you’re tossing chicks like salad.
Fion
April 20th, 2011
11:48 am
@ MzNewy
Cool.
For Real
April 20th, 2011
11:48 am
Ding-Dong….
Sexcool: Who is it?
Lady Cross da-way: Lady Cross da-way!
Sexcool: (thinking to herself what fugg this crackhead want? I ain’t got ish to loan her azz) Hello, um Lady Cross da-way, what I can do for you?
LCDW: Well I heard your hot water heat went out.
Sexcool: How did you hear about that….
LCDW: I was standing by yalls bedroom window when you and your old man was talkin. By the way, I have to give you props….
Sexcool: WTF!! Props!!!
LCDW: Yeah you shoal can ride gurllll. You don’t get tired? My thighs be burning if I did that like you do. Anyway I can see if I can borrow your white towel, since you ain’t got no hot water.
Sexcool: WTF!!! White towel????
LCDW: Yeah, white towels… you do know Clorox don’t work in cold water?
SexyCool
April 20th, 2011
11:48 am
He also told us that the $500 this electrician quoted us for grounding our electric meter was straight robbery. That all we need to do is get a clamp to attach the copper wire to the grounding pole that is already there. He is going to see if he has one at his house and bring it to me today. Says that we can attach it ourselves.
Fion
April 20th, 2011
11:49 am
Sorry for th e outburst crew. Some folk on here just turn my stomach!
Celisea
April 20th, 2011
11:49 am
I meant a “hard line” if you’re tossing chicks but not THAT big of a deal
Celisea
April 20th, 2011
11:50 am
Fion – You having a temper tantrum cause everybody ain’t on one accord today? Gheesh…simmer down.
SexyCool
April 20th, 2011
11:50 am
For Real – my fave blog nutcase….er, um…comedian.
Purple Rain
April 20th, 2011
11:51 am
Celisea, so you are saying that you think that men have more of a rotation going on than a woman? I will state for the record if a man does have a rotation he is not bringing them to where he lives for mulitple reasons. 1) Pop ups during his own time with himself 2) you never bring a woman to your house until she is on the way to darn near being the one 3) We just like our privacy. 4) He does not bring random women home because when he does want that one woman he doesn’t want one of the jilted random women to show up on a “pop up”
Celisea
April 20th, 2011
11:52 am
PR – I ain’t a man…I stand corrected. I’m misguided on how rotation works cause I don’t do the revolving door thing. Better?