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Pop-up visits: Bad idea or worth a try?

My friend Kevin had a woman show up at his home unexpectedly this weekend.  They have been on 3 dates so far and he couldn’t remember telling her where she lived.  He sent me a text message asking me if I gave her his home address (they met through at a mutual friend’s birthday dinner) and of course I hadn’t.

He is trying to figure out if she is some crazy, stalker girl or if he inadvertently gave her his address.  Even so, she took the liberty of coming by with a bag of groceries to cook him a nice Sunday dinner.  While the gesture was sweet and thoughtful, he is hung up on the fact that she pulled a pop-up visit on him.

I don’t know why it’s a big deal, though.  Do men dislike surprise visits from women that much? If you really like them, does it matter if they show up unannounced?

Admittedly, I don’t know if I’d pop up on a new guy in my life, and I probably would raise an eyebrow if he did it to me.  I don’t think it would be a deal breaker though!

What do you think?  Do you wait on an invitation to the man’s home or do you feel comfortable coming by on a whim?

Have you ever shown up somewhere your date wasn’t expecting you? Did it go over well?  Are you generally opposed to surprises when it comes to this kind of thing?

I kind of like dating surprises! As long as they don’t result in injury, jail time, or a hefty fine for public nudity.  Not saying any of those things have happened to me, though.

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

566 comments Add your comment

COME ON NOW

April 20th, 2011
7:35 am

Good morning,

THREE dates? BAD BAD BAD idea. Yeah, she sounds like a stalker. I remember years ago when I popped up to visit my ex-boyfriend. We had been dating for 8 months. He was SUPER pissed. He broke up with me very shortly after that. I never quite understood what the big deal was, especially if you’ve been dating your S.O. for a significant amount of time and y’all are exclusive. I guess I still don’t understand cuz I wouldn’t have an issue if my S.O. popped up. All I know is, every man I’ve ever talked to about it has said that that is NOT the way to go.

SlimNumeroUno

April 20th, 2011
8:00 am

Morning,

I will say that I would think doing a pop-up after merely 3 dates is definitely a BAD IDEA. I have mixed feelings about doing drive-by’s already but only if you and the person you’re with have been together for a while and have some sort of exclusivity understanding.

I’ve only shown up unnannouonced at Beau’s crib twice since we’ve been dating, which it’s been over a year. And the reason I went over there was not to catch him doing something but out of concern. Afterwards, he didn’t express any issue with me coming by.

When I lived alone my ex would do pop-ups especially if I didn’t answer the phone. lol

Breezy

April 20th, 2011
8:04 am

Don’t pop-in on my friends, family or my SO. That’s a BAD move unless they’ve specifically said drop by anytime. Now three dates in? Wait until she starts boiling the bunny.

MC Hammock

April 20th, 2011
8:33 am

No, no, no, no pop ups. By invitation only is the way to go….unless you look like Carmen Electra or Kim Kardashian. If they show up, who ever is already there will be promptly escorted out.

LeeH1

April 20th, 2011
8:35 am

Wome have this thing about surprise visits which confuse and annoy men. Ditto with surprise parties. While this may be a residue of peek-a-boo as children, most men have grown up. All men have stories about surprises that went wrong- the girl shows up just as the man is escorting the hooker out; the surprise party when he comes home drunk, and throws up on his wife’s shoes; or the man who had a heart attack when everyone jumps out of the dark and screams “Surprise!”

Pop up visits are also a control mechanism by women, in order to check up on men. They want to make sure you are home and not out with someone else. They want to keep you off balance. It’s a way of dominating the other person while pretending to be impulsive.

When men use it on women, it is creepy. When women use it on men, it is just annoying.

Women, before yu plan a surprise for man, don’t discuss this with other women who will agree with you; discuss it with a man you trust, to see if it is a good idea. They will probably say, “No!”

Simple Man

April 20th, 2011
8:41 am

Good morning…..

Pop up visits are bad under ANY CIRCUMSTANCE!!! I dont care if they have gone on 50 dates. No woman I know would be OK with a guy just popping in and every dude I know would demote / dismiss her ass for conduct unbecoming!!!

Reggie

April 20th, 2011
8:45 am

“Pop ups” are nothing more than a veiled attempt to see “what he’s up to”. They’ll color it with all kinds of good intentions and stuff, but that’s all it is. Men know this and that’s why you’ll be in hot water if you do it.

Fion

April 20th, 2011
8:49 am

“I don’t know why it’s a big deal, though.
Do men dislike surprise visits from women that much? If you really like them, does it matter if they show up unannounced?”

Really Wise!!!!! Give me a freakin break. Ol’ boy shows up at your place unannounced after 3 dates and you are just “ALL SIMLES”. If you are, you are just as Crazy He is.

I don’t care how long I’ve dated you, known you or been your LOVER!!!! Don’t just show up at my door. That’s a Damn good way to get your Feelings Hurt.

Ark2011

April 20th, 2011
8:49 am

If you show up unexpectedly and find some hot woman already there with her thighs wrapped around my head, you deserve it. If I would like you to come over, I’ll let you know. I don’t know any guy that would show up unexpectedly. That’s a shallow version of stalking.

CDW

April 20th, 2011
8:51 am

I don’t even do “pop-ins” on my family without a courtesy call first, so certainly not someone I’d only been out with THREE times who hasn’t even told me where he lives! (play scary music now – this chick is working the Psycho angle).

Bo Didly

April 20th, 2011
8:53 am

If you want to do a “surprise dinner” or simply a Booty Call, at the very least drop some hints, so you can at least know if he/she’s just hanging out or if he’she’s gonna be busy. You can at least feel the situation out before you act. But even then it’s a toss up as to what you may find and the resulting consequences. Just show up out of the blue? Of all of your long list of bad ideas….this one is the worst.

Simple Man

April 20th, 2011
8:54 am

So Wise…Did she find out the info she was after??? And are you gonna give us the scoop on which member of your circle told her that was a good idea???

Superman

April 20th, 2011
8:56 am

Who doesn’t like to drop in for a “quickie” ?? Always fun…

COME ON NOW

April 20th, 2011
8:56 am

“Women, before yu plan a surprise for man, don’t discuss this with other women who will agree with you; discuss it with a man you trust, to see if it is a good idea. They will probably say, “No!”

I cosign 100%. My girlfriends thought it was a great idea. When I told my guy friend what I did after the fact, he told me I was the dumbest chick in the world. He said that’s what I get for listening to my girlfriends–said we have NO clue when it comes to men. Having lived through that experience, I agree.

knockoutblonde

April 20th, 2011
9:01 am

Good morning everyone!

I’m in complete agreement with the above posters. Unless you live there, under NO circumstances do you just SHOW UP. That’s an invasion of my provacy and you are just assuming I’ll be happy to see you. And to quote a recent movie “Assumption is the mother of all screw ups.”

Indy Cutie

April 20th, 2011
9:02 am

My SO has popped up on me twice in the last 2 weeks. I’m still on the fence about how i feel about it. In a way I don’t mind because it’s not like I’m doing anything but at the same time there’s no telling what I could be doing not that I would do anything wrong. But I also feel like out of respect for my space and time he should call first. We used to spend alot of time together but since I returned to college my schedule is crazy and will be for awhile. I hope he can understand that

Lex Luthor

April 20th, 2011
9:05 am

@Superman, the reason Wonder Woman didn’t asnwer the door was because I was in the bedroom showing her my latest diabolical invention. She likes it a LOT.

MC Hammock

April 20th, 2011
9:06 am

Well, I guess we’ve covered this topic with a 99.9% agreement rate. Anything else on the table?

Amia

April 20th, 2011
9:07 am

This is so bad on so many levels. If a guy did that to me, I would definately think “crazy stalker guy”.I wouldn’t show up a guy’s door that is new. I just wouldn’t. I have had two differnt guys show up at more door unannounced. This was in the late 90’s before cell phones were the norm. I yelled through the door, “You better go find a phone and call me and ask can you come over!” I didn’t answer the door. he left. Another time, an ex-boyfriend came over while my current “dating guy” was over. I let him in so he could feel awkward! It was funny. He stayed for 5 minutes. That’s what he gets.

Ark2011

April 20th, 2011
9:08 am

I’m still at a complete loss as to why in the world a woman….ANY woman….would think this is even a remotely good idea.

Fion

April 20th, 2011
9:09 am

I don’t know Any Grown Azz Woman that takes time to “Look” for sh^^ she doesn’t want to see.
Drive by’s, Drop-in’s, Pop-up’s are the moves of Little Girls with issues.

Indy Cutie

April 20th, 2011
9:10 am

I’m still at a complete loss as to why in the world a woman….ANY woman….would think this is even a remotely good idea

Or ANY man

Leggs

April 20th, 2011
9:15 am

Good morning!

Do you wait on an invitation to the man’s home or do you feel comfortable coming by on a whim? Are we in kindergarten? Of course you wait until you’re invited. With only 3 dates in, no one should be comfortable popping up!!!

Have you ever shown up somewhere your date wasn’t expecting you? NOPE!

Pop ups are an attempt to catch him/her at something. After 3 dates, she’s delusional! Plain and simple. And, if he didn’t give her his address, he needs to kick her to curb.

Reio

April 20th, 2011
9:19 am

Do’nt Just drop In On Me. No Way. That, To Me, Is Disrespectful. What Makes You Think That It’s OK To Do That? I’m A One Woman Man, So If There Is Another Woman There When You Arrive, You Can Bet Its My Sister, Mom, Niece, Aunt…Unless The Woman Thats Already There Also Popped In Before You Did, And Is Still There. And If She Is Still There, You Can Believe We Are’nt Up To Anything. One Woman Man. Period.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 20th, 2011
9:21 am

If you really like them, does it matter if they show up unannounced?
It matters if ANYONE shows up announced. My family doesn’t show up unannounced…OUT OF RESPECT AND CONSIDERATION FOR ME. I show them the same courtesy. Wise tell your boy to consult the MLB on this one. He should have taken the groceries and sent her a$$ home. Maybe even use those groceries to cook dinner for some other chick.

Ricco Suave

April 20th, 2011
9:21 am

I agree. I’m out Saturday night, meet this gorgeous woman and she immediately tells me to take her to my place and F*** her senseless for the rest of the night. About 1 AM, my wife does a POP IN and….

wait….that’s something different, isn’t it……..?

Yes She Is Cute

April 20th, 2011
9:24 am

Last time I did a pop up visit I walked in on some “me time” with a girly movie.

Needless to say I give courtesy calls first. hehehehehe

Chink

April 20th, 2011
9:29 am

The only thing that comes close is when I was in a relationship it was a year in and I popped by because he was acting funny and I caught him lying to me…never felt the same after that. But I am glad I did it because I was able to see the real person then.

PR..sorry I didnt respond …now I can’t even remember the question..but nothing was ever the same.

The Docter

April 20th, 2011
9:29 am

Ladies & Gents

Here’s the problem with a “PopUp” visit. It has always been a common courtesy to call before you come over. This aplies to both parties in what ever the kind of relationship their in with each other. We are losing the “common courtesies” daily.

SexyCool

April 20th, 2011
9:33 am

I would be very surprised if there is ANYone who will say that this is a good idea.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 20th, 2011
9:35 am

I really don’t mind Pop ups. Cause whatever I am, or am not, doing you’re more than welcomed to see.

Especially if it involves chandeliers, ceiling fans, three 9 volt batteries, and some steamed chicken gizzards.

Come on down

DW

April 20th, 2011
9:45 am

horrible, horrible idea. period.

Charlie's Sheen

April 20th, 2011
9:46 am

If you’re good with threesomes, come on in! Put on the high heels, crotchless panties, ruby red lipstick and have a randy attitude. That’s the only requirement for Pop Ins. #WINNING!

Yes She Is Cute

April 20th, 2011
9:47 am

LOL @ charlie sheen

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 20th, 2011
9:48 am

“I don’t know why it’s a big deal, though.”

Um, they’d only been on 3 dates. He could have been busy some other chick.

“Do men dislike surprise visits from women that much?”

If it involves showing up at our door unannounced after only 3 dates, yes.

“If you really like them, does it matter if they show up unannounced?”

That’s a recipe for disaster. You are just asking to roll up on a dude waist-deep in some other azz… :lol:

Oh yeah, morning all! :-D

kimmie

April 20th, 2011
9:49 am

Morning All!

Yeah, agree with all on this. EXTREMELY disrespectful. I call before I “pop up” at ANYONE’S house – family, friend, etc.

Wise, come on are you serious? You really don’t see the big deal in this? THREE DATES and chick is popping by??? Dude could and probably is still seeing other women. I doubt if they have gone exclusive yet!

I would not have eaten a thing she cooked, much less brought over. She could have put some “roots” up in it!! CRAZY STALKER!!! :shock:

Yes She Is Cute

April 20th, 2011
9:50 am

Well I have an open door policy. Just give me at least a 5 mins heads up so I can make sure I’m decent. Ok maybe 10 I do look rough after a nap.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 20th, 2011
9:51 am

But seriously, who does this? — Other than crazy, possessive stalkers? And what normal person (dude or chick) would want somebody they’ve only been out with 3 times (and apparently has never been to your house) just showing up at your door out of the blue? This chick is either crazy or desperate or both. (And the same is true of any dude who would pull that stunt)

kimmie

April 20th, 2011
9:52 am

Think about it gang, if he didn’t recall ever giving her his address, unless she did some internet sleuthing, she may have been secretly following him to see where he lived!! :shock:

Sassy Me :-)

April 20th, 2011
9:53 am

Mornting All !!!

“Popping up” is a no no…it wreaks of potentially stalkerish behavior and if a person is willing to stop by unannounced then there’s no telling what else they’re willing to do or already doing without your knowledge..i.e snooping or a drive-by. Proper etiquette dictates you wait until invited to go to someone’s home and that’s how it should be.

TenderRoni

April 20th, 2011
9:54 am

Three dates and she is showing up unannounced…something is wrong with that picture. Not a good start to dating. Because now if he questions her about her popping up, she will feel he has something to hide. And he already things she crazy for popping up…causing for awarkard future encounters. They both will have those situation in the back of their mind.

My ex use to pop over without calling, but we were exclusive and had been together for two years before he started doing it. I didn’t have an issue with it.

Lana

April 20th, 2011
9:56 am

If I ever had a guy show up unannounced I would make it a point to say that I was in the middle of having mind blowing sex with some stallion and whatever he needed, make it quick because I was eager to get back to it. No time for stalkers!

SexyCool

April 20th, 2011
9:57 am

kimmie – yeah…the not giving her the address thing is really a major red flag.

Funny thing is…Kevin was obviously feeling MissCrazy. I mean, he had taken her out three times. See…this is classic “How to Lose A Guy in Ten Days.”

kellibean

April 20th, 2011
9:58 am

When I gave my s/o a key to my place before he moved in, I made it clear that I don’t want surprise visits. I was a single woman living alone and if I had hear someone coming in unexpectedly, they might have gotten a baseball bat to the head!!!

A friend of mine had giving her s/o a key to her place shortly after dating. She woke up one night and saw a silhouette going into her bathroom. It scared her to death!!! She had to have a talk with him about just popping in, especially while she’s asleep. He’s lucky she didn’t have a gun under her bed. Needless to say, they are no longer together…

I would never pop in on anyone. I don’t want anyone to do it to me, so I won’t do it to them. If I’m in the area, I will call and ask if it’s ok for me to drop by for a minute.

Leggs

April 20th, 2011
10:00 am

@Lana ~ he might shoot you after you deliver such a message.

  

April 20th, 2011
10:02 am

“stalker” <- Most over-used, over-dramatic word ever.

Please stop saying “stalker”, “stalking”, etc.

Until someone is actually doing it, they are not a “stalker.” I hear silly women saying stuff like that from time to time.

Very silly, and very annoying.

anonymousella

April 20th, 2011
10:03 am

so what you’re saying is:

1. he never gave her his address.
2. and yet, she showed up his house unannounced to cook dinner.

SHE CRAY CRAY.

he needs to run and do so quickly and tell her why. she is a DETERMINED stalker because she had to dig through something to get his address. that’s not something reasonable people do.

it would be different if they had expressed mutual exclusivity, she had a key and HE HAD GIVEN HER HIS ADDRESS. that, for me, is what takes this into Crazytown instead of Creepyville.

Lana

April 20th, 2011
10:04 am

Leggs, Naaah….he’d just give me the ‘ol FO and head back to his car. Serves him right.

MzNewy

April 20th, 2011
10:05 am

I don’t do pop-up visits AT ALL. And I don’t answer the door for pop-uppers either. I am currently dating someone and he said something about wondering why I did not come by without an invite. I told him whether he lives five minutes or 5 hours from me I will never pop by even if I am “in the neighborhood” and I expect the same courtesy.

TenderRoni

April 20th, 2011
10:05 am

Now that I think about it, this has happened to me. I went out on one date with a guy the end of ‘09 (he picked me up). We talked on the phone couple of times but never went out again. Then Sept ‘10 he showed up at my door. I remember this because that was my daughter’s birthday!

He was drunk, talkin about he thought I was the one and what happened with us. I was almost speechless, I told him he had to leave because my daughter was having a birthday party, she had her friends over and everything. It was sooo uncomfortable. I texted him after he left, don’t ever do that again.