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When is it considered cheating?

Hey, here’s another of those topics you probably should talk about when you are dating someone new: what do you consider cheating?  Is cheating one of those black and white issues with no gray areas? If you are dating someone new, do you know how they define cheating?

A reader emailed me about a huge fight she had with her ultra conservative boyfriend. After she told him she kissed another girl, he became really upset. To make matters worse, he is increasingly annoyed with her nonchalant attitude about the incident.

While she thinks it was innocent and silly, he believes she cheated on him. She blamed the alcohol but he believes that is only an excuse.  What do you think? Is it cheating when it’s same sex? Is it grounds for breaking up?  He asked her if he was the one making out with other men, how would she feel. She said it’s not the same.

I don’t know what I would do if I were in her situation. Mainly because I can’t imagine sharing a drunken kiss with a girl! I suppose the trust in this couple’s relationship takes a big hit, but is it really a deal breaker? Guys, is it a deal breaker for you?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

316 comments Add your comment

Kareem

April 19th, 2011
8:42 am

If no pictures were taken, it never happened.

David

April 19th, 2011
8:47 am

My girlfriend that I have dated for 3 years has a couple of guy friends that she kisses square on the lips when she sees them and right in front of me. It bothered me the whole time until I finally said something. She just waved it off and kept doing it. Then one night, one of them droped buy and she acted like she hadn’t seen him in years and another kiss square on the lips with each hand on each side of his face. My first thought was “Heck, I don’t get HELLO or GOODBYE kisses like that, so I really got cold the rest of the night. Afterwards, she through a major tantrum because of it. I explained that I had brought it up to her many times and she still did it. I told her that if I kisses a female friend of mine like that, she would have gutted me in my sleep. She insists that me kissing another female friend would be different. I walked out and we have been very distant to past few weeks. I’m standing my ground and so is she. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill or not?

Lana

April 19th, 2011
8:50 am

David, I kiss all of my close guy friends on the lips. If my date can’t handle it, then he can go else where. You are making more out of it than it is. If you haven’t been kissing your female friends and then suddenly start it, then that’s revenge and it would be wrong.

Amia

April 19th, 2011
8:52 am

Wow David! I would have a huge problem with her kissing guy friends on the lips unless they were gay. If my guy kissed any of his females on the lips I will tell him to continue to do it…because it would be OVER!

MC Hammock

April 19th, 2011
8:55 am

There is physical cheating and then there is emotional cheating. Both are wrong. David, I would keep a close eye on your girlfriend, cause something doesn’t jive. My wife would also kill me in my sleep if I ever kissed another female friend or even appeared to enjoy a hug too much. Bottom line, if you have mentioned that it bothers you and she still does it, she doesn’t respect you or your feelings. Time to cut bait and move to different waters.

Lana, you are a self destructing person that has no respect for anyone but yourself. You get out of a relationship excatly what you put into it. I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole, no matter what you look like.

mark

April 19th, 2011
8:58 am

@david brotha Stand your Ground!!! Because if you let her get away with this she will never respect you. you must be a man on this !!!! Trust me you have got to handle this like a Freakin Man!
either she stops kissing other men in the DAMN MOUTH or shes GONE! SIMPLE!

Robin The Hood

April 19th, 2011
9:02 am

David throw in the towel.

Purple Rain

April 19th, 2011
9:08 am

Cheating is cheating and no he is not over reacting. Only people I kiss are my family members because I love them and if it’s not my wife I kiss them on the cheek.

Purple Rain

April 19th, 2011
9:09 am

And if you kiss when you are drunk I am sure that she will do other things while she is “drunk”

Jelly Sandwich Meat

April 19th, 2011
9:12 am

I was a chronic cheater all through school. It’s a hard habit to kick….In fact, just last week while at the grocery store, I got caught looking at some one elses shopping list.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 19th, 2011
9:13 am

Morning
A reader emailed me about a huge fight she had with her ultra conservative boyfriend. After she told him she kissed another girl, he became really upset.
So he’s ultra conservative because he got upset about her kissing some random in the club? That’s shullbit, and using drunkeness as an excuse is even worse. A drunk man speaks a sober mind.

I’m standing my ground and so is she.
David f%*$ standing your ground. “Standing your ground” is just another way of saying you’re playing not to lose, in which case you’ve already lost. Let her kiss her “friends” with some other sucker, or have a threesome. lol

Yes She Is Cute

April 19th, 2011
9:14 am

David really? We all know Lana is just being facetious.

Yes She Is Cute

April 19th, 2011
9:18 am

lol @ Kareem. Do you live in Decatur?

Lana

April 19th, 2011
9:19 am

You people are just “no self confident”, prude and anal. Get over yourselves! Kissing is just saying you care about them. It’s not like I slip them the tongue! I’m sure you only “do it” in the bed, missionary style and you probably feel guilty about that.

knockoutblonde

April 19th, 2011
9:32 am

Good morning everyone! Been a while since I have popped in. Cheating, per se, has different meanings to different people. I even have one g’f or mine with the attitude that unless “penetration” occurs, it isn’t sex. To her, oral isn’t sex. Same thing with cheating. Is watching a hot guy or girl cheating? Is fantasizing about other people cheating? Is watching porn cheating? Is kissing someone cheating? Many people do certain things just to feel “alive” and get out of a rut. There’s no harm done if you aren’t emotionally involved or physically intimate. You’re in a relationship. You ain’t DEAD.

Purple Rain

April 19th, 2011
9:38 am

Imagine your man doing the exact same things you are. Now imagine him doing the things that you are not telling him you are doing. Is any of that cheating? I refuse to believe that any regular poster on this blog is that dumb.

Reggie

April 19th, 2011
9:39 am

Hey KOB, I guess your boyfriend (or whatever he is) wouldn’t mind if we were locked in a wet kiss then? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Robin The Hood

April 19th, 2011
9:44 am

Lana if you kissed me on the lips in front of your man would he shrug it off with grace or get upset at you and me?

abc

April 19th, 2011
9:45 am

If your significant other calls it cheating, then it is. Period.

If you’re only dating, and without commitment, then there’s nothing to cheat on.

Leggs

April 19th, 2011
9:51 am

Good morning, Good morning!

This is going to be an interesting topic because the definition of “cheating” varies (although I don’t know why).

“She insists that me kissing another female friend would be different.” How so??? It would only be different like Lana states. If you suddenly start doing it, it would be revenge and childish. You know, a tit for a tat!

@David ~ I don’t think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. You told her it bothers you, and out of respect for you and the relationship she should stop or at least kiss her friends on the cheek. To hold someone’s face and give a kiss, not a peck, is disrespectful to me.

I’m w/PR, no telling what else she’ll do when drunk. But, to kiss a girl, just invite the girl over so all 3 of you can have fun!

Emotional cheating or physical cheating. Which one is worse. I lean toward “emotional cheating” being worse because that shows you have a “connection” with this person that you probably no longer have with me. Some can simply “hit it and run,” but to connect on a deeper level would be a dagger to my heart.

kellibean

April 19th, 2011
9:52 am

@abc…I agree with you 100%. The talk must be had as soon as you two decide to be exclusive. I’ve told my s/o what I consider to be cheating and told him if he did any of it, then I would leave in a heartbeat, no matter what!

Leggs

April 19th, 2011
10:02 am

This topic is timely due to my encounter at QT this morning.

I’m in line playing my numbers and the guy behind me compliments my dress. I say thank you. When I get to the register the cashier knows him and they chat for a minute. I notice his name on his jacket because he’s now standing to my side. Sargent _________. He has now winked at me. I leave to put gas in my car and he follows me. We introduce ourselves. He comments that he likes the way I walk. He says I walk with confidence. Cool. He proceeds to write his number down saying “give me a call, I’d love to take you to lunch.” Honestly, I do take the number. I then ask if he’s married. His answer is “SOMETIMES.” I give him back his number saying I’m not the one he wants to get to know. He says he has friends and can have lunch dates. Again, I say I’m not the one you want to get to know. I then told him he has no business asking another woman out to lunch. Go take your wife to lunch!! SHEESH!!!

Living Life

April 19th, 2011
10:10 am

Good Morning All,
@ Leggs – I am glad you stood your ground and didn’t take his number. There are tons of women that would have taken it and went out with him, but I feel what comes around goes around.

kimmie

April 19th, 2011
10:21 am

Good morning gang!

Leggs – When will it stop? That’s so disgusting.

Topic – First of all, I’m very old school. So if some chick tries to kiss me, drunk or not, she may not have any teeth left. Period. I don’t swing on that side of the fence. I like men, period. Nothing wrong if you like different, just practice on someone else. Not cute, not sexy to me at all. I know that’s not suppose to be a big deal now, some chicks even dance with other chicks at clubs & such. Not me. I dance with men or not at all.

If a guy I was seeing did all that with other dudes, you da– skippy it’s a dealbreaker. Period. He bats for the other team, so no need to be with me.

No kissing members of the opposite or same gender in the mouth if we are in a relationship. Period. David, your girl does not respect you. But how you start is how you continue and finish. You allowed it from jump, and habits are hard to break. If you had put your foot down about it the first time it happened, you would not have a problem right now.

Cheating is whatever you & yours define it as. It’s about respecting the other person. If it makes one of you uncomfortable, it’s disrespectful. If you can’t deal, go find someone that defines disrespect and cheating the same way you do.

czBrat

April 19th, 2011
10:22 am

HiYas!

i like this —-> If your significant other calls it cheating, then it is. Period.

our prob is that s/o is a tad possessive and has a fairly narrow definition of what he would consider “cheating”. anywho …..

hey leggs! hey reign!

M. (pronouced M dot)

April 19th, 2011
10:25 am

Good day…

My definition of cheating is 2 things:

1. If you would not do it if your SO was sitting there, its cheating.
2. If you cant take it if your SO did it to you in your face, thats cheating.

Go BULLS!

czBrat

April 19th, 2011
10:26 am

LOL @ leggs. i can just picture you shooting the dude down. all the while keeping that polite, no nonsense smirk on your face.

Leggs

April 19th, 2011
10:29 am

@kimmie ~ Unfortunately, I don’t suppose it will ever stop.

Hey there, czB!

Although ForReal believes I’m hard on men, as I stated last week, I speak only from experience. A lot of married men approach me. I didn’t blast him. Not at all. I simply showed him he was in the wrong by giving back the number. Asking that one question upfront saves one a boatload of time and energy.

kimmie

April 19th, 2011
10:33 am

Leggs – If you had blasted him, you would have been within your rights. No need to explain. He was trifling and more of these married men running rampant out here need to be set straight just as you did. Won’t stop them, but like you said, will save a lot of time and energy!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 19th, 2011
10:34 am

leggs. i can just picture you shooting the dude down.
czBrat and why is it that you can picture her doing this? lol

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 19th, 2011
10:37 am

more of these married men running rampant out here need to be set straight just as you did.
kimmie you can’t set them straight. you can only deny them the opportunity to get with you. He’ll try his luck with someone else after you, just like he tried his luck with someone before you.

kimmie

April 19th, 2011
10:40 am

Dreams – Did you read the rest of my post? I said it won’t stop them.

When I said “set them straight”, I was talking about making it clear they can’t roll with YOU that way.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 19th, 2011
10:44 am

Although ForReal believes I’m hard on men, as I stated last week, I speak only from experience.
Leggs You want to set the record straight on this once and for all? I’ll do a little experiment and send a cat to approach you. You won’t know who he is or when he’s coming, or where you’ll meet him. I’ll pre-screen him to make sure he’s a “decent” dude. If you give him a shot, then you can tell everyone to kick rocks. If you give him the business, then you gotta ‘fess up and go into I’m Too Hard on Dudes rehab, which will be co-taught by ForReal and Purp and have WillieD as a guest speaker. If you successfully complete the course, then m-e.l”o” will come out of retirement to preside over the commencement exercises.

czBrat

April 19th, 2011
10:46 am

hola dreams. let’s just say mama leggs has a firm grip on her bronx swag.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 19th, 2011
10:47 am

When I said “set them straight”, I was talking about making it clear they can’t roll with YOU that way.
kimmie Then we were on the same page. No surprise there huh? ;-)

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 19th, 2011
10:51 am

hola dreams. let’s just say mama leggs has a firm grip on her bronx swag.
czBrat blah blah blah. Leggs is no more NY than Lil John and the Eastside Boyz. She’s a Gawja Peach, and so are you. Yeah I said it! lol Oh, and que pasa mama.

SlimNumeroUno

April 19th, 2011
10:53 am

Leggs – Good job on giving the number back…I get that often too due to the environment I work in. Once they know the line you’ve drawn in the sand, then you really don’t have to revisit again under NORMAL circumstances lol

Simple Man

April 19th, 2011
10:57 am

Morning Peeps….I see er’body feling alright today!

kimmie

April 19th, 2011
10:57 am

Dreams – Yes, as per usual, we think alike!LOL!! Cause I am not about to think I can change or re-raise a grown A– man! If mama & daddy didn’t do their job, I’m sure not going to think I can step in.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 19th, 2011
11:00 am

Cause I am not about to think I can change or re-raise a grown A– man!
kimmie yeah especially not in one encounter.

DJ Sniper

April 19th, 2011
11:01 am

The only reason the guy in Wise’s situation should be mad is because he wasn’t present when his girl kissed the other chick. lmao

cba

April 19th, 2011
11:04 am

David, don’t allow anyone, anyone blatantly disrepect you. As Dr King said, ” a man can’t ride your back if you stand straight”. IMO, that applies to anyone in our life, especially someone I consider my SO.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 19th, 2011
11:05 am

Morning folks…

See, it’s topics like these that make me feel like an old man… Is kissing another chick cheating? Is a chick kissing her male friends on the mouth cheating? Who are these people? Whether you call it cheating or not, it’s d@mn sure crossing the line. Purple pretty well summed it up: Just imagine your S/O doing exactly what you are doing & then imagine your reaction. That should tell you all you need to know.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 19th, 2011
11:09 am

“The only reason the guy in Wise’s situation should be mad is because he wasn’t present when his girl kissed the other chick. lmao”

DJ — Exactly! :lol:

My chick kissing another chick without me watching = cheating

My chick kissing another chick with me videoing the whole thing watching = the gift that keeps on giving

:lol:

Purple Rain

April 19th, 2011
11:12 am

Leggs, you did good with the guy this morning. Some would have jumped on the free meal

Hi, Canal Zone!

Purple Rain

April 19th, 2011
11:13 am

The girl kissing the other girl while drunk just seems loose to me. I mean I would not condone it but it would be better if she were sober and had that type of mannerism, but for her to be drunk and doing just speaks volumes.

kimmie

April 19th, 2011
11:18 am

seems loose to me.

Purple – I agree and a lot of people think that mess is cute.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 19th, 2011
11:18 am

Purp — Yeah, odds are good that if chick will kiss another chick when drunk, she’d probably put whatever is in front of her face in her mouth… :lol:

Peanut Gallery

April 19th, 2011
11:23 am

Whats wrong with the drunk girls kissing??? Seems like If thats their thing then it should be all good…. Obviosuly she is not that concerned about what her man thinks…..

czBrat

April 19th, 2011
11:25 am

She’s a Gawja Peach, and so are you.
LOL @ dreams. i’ve been told that so many times (now that i have to answer “over 20 years” when asked how long i’ve been here), i’ve decided to just give in to being considered a local.

Once they know the line you’ve drawn in the sand, then you really don’t have to revisit again under NORMAL circumstances
exactly! abnormal circumstance is when you tell a dude you’re taken but he still asks if you’re interested in being friends. yeah. right. :mad: