Date debate: Obligations
The fastest way to find out if you and your date have similar “moral compasses” is to bring up the topic of “obligatory sex” (yes, those are sarcastic quotation marks). I found that it’s one of those getting to know you topics that a man and woman can have that lets them know just how compatible they are. Trust me.
At one point, I had to stop and think how we even got here. The conversation related to someone not being in the mood and how their partner deals with it. I agreed that I would not state my personal opinion on the topic until after the MIA blog readers discussed what they thought, so I will just frame the topic like this:
Is there ever a time when you are obligated to be intimate with your partner?
Would you ever tell your partner that they are obligated to please you?
How important is it to find out about a person’s attitudes/views about sex when you are dating? When do you start exploring that topic with them?
P.S. Have you ever been on a date with someone and they said something that annoyed you so much that you wanted to get up and walk out? Yeah, just wondering.
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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227 comments Add your comment
Purple Rain
April 18th, 2011
2:39 pm
“If you won’t someone will” I think we discussed that and one of the ladies said that was okay to say to a man.
Leggs
April 18th, 2011
2:40 pm
Interesting, PR/swiss. When talking about “rejection” I immediately turn to all the conversations over the dance floor and men being timid to ask a girl to dance for fear of her saying no then having to walk back to the table with his friends (sorry for the run-on sentence). If they take that badly, I would surmise being rejected for sex would truly injure their ego. I always thought women handled rejection better then men only because I don’t know many weak women! A no isn’t the end of the world, but if you continuously keep saying no, then it’s not the sex that’s the problem, it’s the relationship.
DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"
April 18th, 2011
2:40 pm
<emI suppose women say “gay” just as fast you guys say “beeotch.”
Leggs Naw, I don’t think so. Guys learned that rejection is part of the game at like 2. Yeah there’s still some who don’t handle it in stride, but most know what’s up. Women, on the other hand, get livid when they want some Marvin Gaye and can’t get it.
SexyCool
April 18th, 2011
2:41 pm
Sounds like this is the thought process….”Dude, I’m just doing this cause yo’ dick.johnson is poking me in the back and waking me up. KY me down and come on. No, seriously COME on. I’m tired and I’m ready to go back to sleep. So, I’m gone go ‘head and break you off so you can shutdahellup and I can meet my obligation and get some damn rest.”
Leggs
April 18th, 2011
2:41 pm
Never liked that sentence “if you won’t someone else will.” To guilt someone into giving themselves up simply to please you is crazy and proves just how selfish you really are. IMO
Willie Dynamite
April 18th, 2011
2:42 pm
Ared – naww dayum ya ear, its something else twitching. See I can read lips, especialy DSL’s (yours). You clearly said ‘come get this P&*#&*’ . Thats my story and i’m sticking to it.
kimmie
April 18th, 2011
2:42 pm
Swiss/Purple – I wouldn’t know how other women react or feel after being turned down. But speaking for myself, I guess I’ve not been so confident and arrogant as to have that “how dare he” attitude. The few times it has happened in my life, especially when I was younger, I thought something must be wrong with me. I am fastidious about personal hygiene, almost paranoid about it, so I’m hoping he didn’t think I was not too tidy. Or was my technique off, did I do something wrong? As I got older, I’m more realistic. I’m a together woman, but every man is not going to be interested in me in that way – and that’s okay. As long as my SO is interested, that’s all that matters. If there is an issue, we work it out.
kimmie
April 18th, 2011
2:45 pm
That “if you won’t” mess is the tiredest line in the book. You haven’t SEEN rejection till you use that line on ME!!!
DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"
April 18th, 2011
2:45 pm
Well if you won’t, someone else will
What lamo cat says this? Sounds like a last ditch effort out of desparation …showing all your cards and handing over leverage. If you can get it somewhere else, then do it. No need to announce it.
Leggs
April 18th, 2011
2:47 pm
“Guys learned that rejection is part of the game at like 2.”
Hmmmmmmmmm??
Laughing at you SexyC. But you are on point!
Willie Dynamite
April 18th, 2011
2:47 pm
Well if you won’t, someone else will
I can honestly say I’ve never used that line.
Leggs
April 18th, 2011
2:50 pm
@kimmie/DreamsM ~ I’m speaking strictly from a young boy’s mindset. I sure hope no grown a$$ man is uttering those words. We were just sitting around talking about all the bi-girls, the straight up gay girls at her school and the lines some guys use on the straight girls. I started the convo off asking if she heard the phrase “blue balls” and the convo escalated.
Purple Rain
April 18th, 2011
2:51 pm
Leggs, that must have been someone else using your name because I thought you said it was okay to tell a guy that. LOL
I think guys handle rejection better because if a woman is confident enough to put herself in a position in which she might be rejected it just makes it that much worse. Rejection doesn’t bother me, Iw ill just take my ball and try and shoot hoops on another court. Plenty fish in the see, just have to cast a new type of bait. LOL
i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")
April 18th, 2011
2:51 pm
“When talking about “rejection” I immediately turn to all the conversations over the dance floor and men being timid to ask a girl to dance for fear of her saying no then having to walk back to the table with his friends (sorry for the run-on sentence).”
Leggs — Where do you see those guys? At the middle school Sadie Hawkins Dance?
Most dudes I know in that situation would take about 0.063 seconds to pivot & start macking on the chick beside you…
Raqi V
April 18th, 2011
2:52 pm
SexyCool, for me “obligatory” covers those times when you are doing it for the team. LOL
(I know you know this but amuse me all the same. LOL)
Seriously…think about it…TheDude not coming thru for you EVER when he is just not feeling it. How disappointing and disconcerting would that be? If you all only watched what he wants to watch, only go out when and where he wants to go, only eat what he likes and only have sex when he wants it, that pretty much says he only cares about himself and is just using you as a filler.
Him engaging in obligatory activities shows he loves and cares for you.
Leggs
April 18th, 2011
2:53 pm
@WillieD ~ glad to hear it…sounds like someone’s having a hissy fit when they say that nonsense.
Willie Dynamite
April 18th, 2011
2:54 pm
whats funny is Women can point to 1 maybe 2 times in their life being rejected. Then like Kimmie says they look around doing the sniff test wondering what that was about.
Purple Rain
April 18th, 2011
2:55 pm
If it’s one of those rare times I am not feeling like having sex once I get inside all those feeling subside very quickly. LOL I’m so easy, my mind will say no but my body will say yes. THe body wins everytime! I’m such a slut for her. I am handling the no play zone quite well. I have given up on porn too, I am on a record run this time.
Raqi V
April 18th, 2011
2:55 pm
SexyCool on that 2:41pm you just make it seem so…let’s say…BAD.
It sort of along those lines but with a lot more love and care and a lot less callousness. LOL
Sassy Me...lost like Nemo :-)
April 18th, 2011
2:56 pm
….”Dude, I’m just doing this cause yo’ dick.johnson is poking me in the back and waking me up. KY me down and come on. No, seriously COME on. I’m tired and I’m ready to go back to sleep. So, I’m gone go ‘head and break you off so you can shutdahellup and I can meet my obligation and get some damn rest.”
As I wipe water off my monitor….
Leggs
April 18th, 2011
2:56 pm
@swiss ~ I see them when I go out. BUT, I read what most of you MLBs have posted over the years about going over and asking a girl to dance.
Purple Rain
April 18th, 2011
2:58 pm
Willie D, good point most ment can’t count how many times or instances that they have been rejected a woman can give you a time and place and all sorts of other details about the few times that they have been.
Leggs
April 18th, 2011
2:58 pm
And, for the record, not all men are as big, strong, macho, the roaring alpha male as all of you seem to be! Just like not all women are weak like the ones you guys seem to talk about that goes ballistic at rejection!
Leggs
April 18th, 2011
3:00 pm
@WillieD ~ She instantly did an introspection of herself. That’s not always the right thing to do! Why should she down herself immediately.
Behind closed doors, you guys do the same thing!!!
AmazonRed™
April 18th, 2011
3:01 pm
See I can read lips, especialy DSL’s (yours). You clearly said ‘come get this P&*#&*’ . Thats my story and i’m sticking to it.
See, this is why fools get tagged out at home plate.
Purple Rain
April 18th, 2011
3:03 pm
Leggs, record has been noted!
i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")
April 18th, 2011
3:04 pm
I don’t think it’s a question of weak or strong — it’s just a question of practice.
We have a lot more of it. If dudes didn’t learn to brush off rejection & keep it moving, the species would die out, ‘cos we’d have given up a looooong time ago… 
Purple Rain
April 18th, 2011
3:06 pm
Ladies this is what I have observed sometimes. Tell me how this makes you all feel. The guy just stands there staring obviously. Then he does not ask you to dance but just starts dancing in your area then slowly starts busting moves until he is right up on you. I have never seen that work once with a sober woman.
Also, why do women dance in groups then get mad when a guy comes and tries to join in?
Willie Dynamite
April 18th, 2011
3:06 pm
Purp – so true, we get so used to it that some dudes cant believe they actually suceeded. hahaha
Leggs- So you trying to tell me that Women handle sexual rejection better than men. Really is that what you are trying to say?
Ared – you win, at least i got my uniform dirty dayum.
Leggs
April 18th, 2011
3:06 pm
@PR ~ nothing new. You make it sound bad. A woman can give you a time, date and place for just about anything significant in her life, GOOD OR BAD!
Lord Velonese
April 18th, 2011
3:07 pm
“During Holy Week…Easter is Sunday, this is your topic?”
Best comment thus far today. Dr.Spock should return his or her degree.
kimmie
April 18th, 2011
3:07 pm
Leggs – Yes, introspection indeed. And that was in younger days, when I was not as confident.
Plus, my thought process on this rejection thing is in the confines of a relationship. If the person I’ve been “regular” with keeps turning me down and I know he’s not ill, got a sick child or otherwise preoccupied, there is something wrong. And yes, the problem could be me. But I’m not just walking up to dudes at a club asking for “favors”. Not the same thing.
Simple Man!!!!
April 18th, 2011
3:09 pm
“I’m gone go ‘head and break you off so you can shutdahellup and I can meet my obligation and get some damn rest.””
Well damn……
Leggs
April 18th, 2011
3:09 pm
@WillieF ~ we started off with sexual rejection, then we went straight to rejection. Depending on the situation, yeah, some women can handle it better than men, even in the sexual department!
Purple Rain
April 18th, 2011
3:14 pm
Leggs, thank you for proving my point. Rejection is significant for a woman, for a man it’s just part of life nothing significant. We just let it go.
Leggs
April 18th, 2011
3:15 pm
@kimmie ~ I know exactly what you’re saying. I’ve always found it amazing that one (when we were younger) would immediately think they were at fault. Something had to be wrong with me, etc. instead of thinking positive about yourself and thinking perhaps something’s wrong with him. Too many young ladies immediately thought they were the problem! That’s all I’m saying. I don’t think I ever thought I was the problem, I just wasn’t the one for him!
Purple Rain
April 18th, 2011
3:16 pm
When men don’t call women pnoder why. When women don’t call we just call someone else.
When a woman flirts with a man and he doesn’t bite the women thinks, what is wrong with him?
When a man flirts with a woman and she doesn’t bite, we just start to flirt with someone else…her loss.
LOL
Leggs
April 18th, 2011
3:17 pm
@PR ~ the only point I proved was your remark that women remember rejection. You made it sound like we especially remember the time, date etc when rejection occurred. That’s not true. We have the knack to remember the good as well as the bad with equal clarity!
Celisea
April 18th, 2011
3:17 pm
While I haven’t really read or skimmed, obligatory is within the confines of marriage. While I’m by no means as pure as the driven snow I’m amazed at how “far away” we’ve moved as a people. I just remember my daddy teaching me you don’t have to prove a thing in letting someone know you care/like them. Just had the preacher teaching this to the teens at church yesterday. While it may not be popular with the masses, nothing wrong with living and learning (as young folks) to live and do things the right way. I agree.
Purple Rain
April 18th, 2011
3:17 pm
“Might as well just get some cats!”- Stanley Q.
Willie Dynamite
April 18th, 2011
3:17 pm
Leggs – WillieF mayne I get demoted a letter just for getting rejected more than you. hahaha
A woman can give you a time, date and place for just about anything significant in her life
So being turned down for Sex is something significant in your life??? I will accept your Some Women comment. But I can guarantee you that every Woman on this blog can get it 10 times before a Dude can. I can also guarantee you that every dude on this blog has been turned down 10X more (Married or not) than any Woman here has.
Leggs
April 18th, 2011
3:19 pm
This is ridi*cu*lous! It’s absolutely amazing how weak some of you really think women are.
@PR ~ “When men don’t call women pnoder why. When women don’t call we just call someone else.” Brother, we do the same thing! And, remember this emotional rollercoaster definitely is a two-way street. Behind closed doors, you men are singing the words to Mr. Telephone Man!!!
Purple Rain
April 18th, 2011
3:19 pm
Leggs, you all do remember and you all lie to save face. Now what do you have to say to me?
kimmie
April 18th, 2011
3:20 pm
We just let it go.
Purple – So some chick at a club turns you down and you shake it off. Big deal. Would you just “let it go” if your wife continually turned you down, would it concern you at all? That’s where I’m coming from. I don’t give a flip about those that don’t give a flip about me.
SexyCool
April 18th, 2011
3:21 pm
Clarification – I wasn’t saying that the above comment was my thought process. I’m just saying when it is made to sound like an obligation, it seems…so…dry…
I certainly don’t have those issues with TheDude. Like Purp said…my body responds to his touch and from there it is all good in the hood…cause that’s where I live now.
Did I tell y’all the police were arresting a guy in front of my house one morning last week when TheDude was leaving to go to work? (lol)
Leggs
April 18th, 2011
3:21 pm
And, that was PR’s comment about a woman being able to give time, date and place for rejection. I just countered it with we’re able to do that with good and bad things, not just bad!
Purple Rain
April 18th, 2011
3:22 pm
Leggs, I disagree we are not that emotionally attached at the begining like women are. Why do you think it takes so long for a man to give a woman his heart? We are used to keeping it on standby because we are used to rejection. That why women are so all introspective so soon because the lead with their heart. Not all women but quite a few.
Raqi V
April 18th, 2011
3:23 pm
Celisea, I agree.
Purple Rain
April 18th, 2011
3:23 pm
kimmie, my wife is more wired than I am, don’t have those problems yet. So I can’t answer, I would probably welcome the “break” if it did get that way.
Willie Dynamite
April 18th, 2011
3:24 pm
Did I tell y’all the police were arresting a guy in front of my house one morning last week when TheDude was leaving to go to work? (lol)
Was that a Ex who couldn’t deal with rejection.