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Date debate: Obligations

The fastest way to find out if you and your date have similar “moral compasses” is to bring up the topic of “obligatory sex” (yes, those are sarcastic quotation marks).  I found that it’s one of those getting to know you topics that a man and woman can have that lets them know just how compatible they are.  Trust me.

At one point, I had to stop and think how we even got here.  The conversation related to someone not being in the mood and how their partner deals with it.  I agreed that I would not state my personal opinion on the topic until after the MIA blog readers discussed what they thought, so I will just frame the topic like this:

Is there ever a time when you are obligated to be intimate with your partner?

Would you ever tell your partner that they are obligated to please you?

How important is it to find out about a person’s attitudes/views about sex when you are dating? When do you start exploring that topic with them?

P.S. Have you ever been on a date with someone and they said something that annoyed you so much that you wanted to get up and walk out? Yeah, just wondering.

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

227 comments Add your comment

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 18th, 2011
10:57 am

“I also believe the definition of “an issue” and “a problem” differ between men and women.”

For Real — Yep. And a woman’s definition of “issue” and “problem” can also differ, depending on the time of month. ;-) :lol: Oh hell, where did I put that vest…?

Leggs

April 18th, 2011
10:59 am

czBrat

April 18th, 2011
11:05 am

fine! *legs AND arms now crossed. pouting!*

Leggs

April 18th, 2011
11:08 am

Why you pouting…you didn’t get enough (lol)?

Raqi V

April 18th, 2011
11:09 am

Making sure I make wise choices in spending money is just as important to me as being a good mother to my babies.

Wanting to be a good mother made me get up at 5am and go to the hospital this morning however I made it back here in time to make breakfast for my family and my husband was able to leave for work on time.

Realizing my husband has needs and willing to meet those ranks in equal importance of making wise spending choices with the money he works so hard to obtain.

No I will not neglect my babies need for food or comfort when sick so I can give my husband sex. No. However being intimate with my husband is very important to me that I will not put our non-sick child in the bed with us as to prevent from being intimate with my husband.

I will say that friends and family rank lesser than all other areas. They are important to have in our lives but not as important as other things.

One example: I am meeting my husband for lunch today because we need to spend time together. I love my daughter and she is normally here with me but the hub dropped her off at the ggm this morning so he and I can have lunch alone together. My daughter is no less important being that she is not joining us in lunch, it’s just time for the hub and I to spend a few hours together outside of the house.

Raqi V

April 18th, 2011
11:12 am

And as I reach to grab my purse and keys I will say again, there is a time and place for everybody and everything in our lives that are of equal importance.

Have a good afternoon.

kimmie

April 18th, 2011
11:19 am

Raqi – Very well said.

Purple Rain

April 18th, 2011
11:36 am

We are obligated to please each other daily whether it involves sex or not, but sex should not feel like a “job” unless you are role playing.

I have never had nor have I walked out on a date. But I have stood people up and I have been stood up at the last minute.

TenderRoni

April 18th, 2011
11:55 am

@ForReal- I will take a stab at your list:
1.household- when the house is in order everything else should follow
2. children- their needs will always be at the top
3. sex- gotta have it
4. money- all ready straight
5. work- pretty stable, work hard to pay bills and live comfortable
6. family (in laws)- keep them close, but not too close
7. friends- great to have them in my life, but family comes first

The first three are the balancing act, they will always be interchange depending on the day of the week. my .02cents

For Real

April 18th, 2011
12:09 pm

Thank you Tender. You get a gold star for following directions without a narrative. Although that was a good narrative Raqi, it’s just not what I tasked you to do.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 18th, 2011
12:20 pm

D@mn, it’s slow today… May as well take a crack at For Real’s list:

1) Household — I’m taking this to mean the general state of the most important relationship in the household (that of the husband & wife)

2) Sex — (Although, given my definition of “household,” I see this as one part of #1)

3) Children — Well, if I had any. But until I do, this one is omitted from my list…

4) Money

5) Work — 4 & 5 are really 1 & the same for me… i.e. the only reason I work is to make money. Now, if I hit that Mega Millions, then Work will also be omitted from my list…

6) Family

7) Friends

SexyCool

April 18th, 2011
12:31 pm

Agree with the thought that it is an obligation *after* the vows.

Prior to, it’s just recognizing and being willing to fulfill the needs/desires of your partner.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 18th, 2011
12:40 pm

Afternoon
You aren’t obligated to have sex with anyone (barring marriage obligations), but as a man you will probably get called every name in the book for refusing sex. Women want it when they want it, and they don’t take “no” for an answer.

I’ve never walked out on anyone, and no chick has ever walked out on me. I’m not saying I’m above either one though. lol

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 18th, 2011
12:59 pm

“but as a man you will probably get called every name in the book for refusing sex.”

Dreams — Yeah, at the top of that list: “gay.” As in: “He MUST be gay if he doesn’t want to get with THIS” — said by the 300lb woman with “fromunda” cheese stains all around her CT… :lol:

Willie Dynamite

April 18th, 2011
1:11 pm

Afternoon All,

I agree with most that obligation is such a harsh word. I also agree that only comes into play once Married. Even with that its ok to feel obligated to do the do but I would surmise you’d have a better quality of Life if you found a better way to dress up that conversation.

Leggs

April 18th, 2011
1:24 pm

WOW, it really is slow in here today.

Leggs

April 18th, 2011
1:28 pm

Just got back from an home energy efficiency workshop. Presentation would have been so much better if he didn’t sound like Ben Stein!

Willie Dynamite

April 18th, 2011
1:34 pm

Leggs – That sounds boring as heyal regardless of the speaker. Hopefully you got something out of it to save a few $$$.

Leggs

April 18th, 2011
1:46 pm

@WD ~ Didn’t get anything out of it. Well, I did. LED lighting is the way to go. HDepot sells the bulbs at $16.00 apiece. Very useful info for my budget. :wink:

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 18th, 2011
1:47 pm

Yeah, at the top of that list: “gay.” As in: “He MUST be gay if he doesn’t want to get with THIS” — said by the 300lb woman with “fromunda” cheese stains all around her CT…
swiss yeah “gay” is probably the first word that flies out. that’s just their way of rationalizing the rejection. lol

Presentation would have been so much better if he didn’t sound like Ben Stein!
Leggs They should have called me in to deliver the knock out blow with a presentation on the anisotropic nature of laser-induced photon scattering by rubidium-87 in a 3-dimensional optical lattice. That usually works better than Nyquil. lol

WillieD what’s good man. it’s scarce in here today. I think there were more people at the Rapping Duke’s 6th album party last year than there are in here. lol

kimmie

April 18th, 2011
1:50 pm

Leggs – Well you know the “best” way is usually the most expensive way!

Sounds like it was a real snoozer!LOL!!

abc

April 18th, 2011
1:51 pm

A spouse should be regarded above the children. Kids are not always the top priority, and they shouldn’t be.

AmazonRed™

April 18th, 2011
1:54 pm

Afternoon lovelies -

Have you ever been on a date with someone and they said something that annoyed you so much that you wanted to get up and walk out? Yeah, just wondering.

Yes I have. Did I? No. Just kept it classy, when the check came I insisted I pay my share, and never spoke to him again.

Leggs

April 18th, 2011
1:56 pm

I suppose women say “gay” just as fast you guys say “beeotch.”

SlimNumeroUno

April 18th, 2011
1:57 pm

Hmmm, list….here goes

Household
Sex
Money
Family
Friends
Work
Children – don’t have any…yet

Leggs

April 18th, 2011
1:58 pm

@DreamsM ~ before I got to the Nyquil part, I said “sheesh, that would put me to sleep!” :lol:

@Willie D ~ in a room of 35 people, there were only 2 black people (me and another female).

Willie Dynamite

April 18th, 2011
1:59 pm

Dreams – wassup mayne, just flying under the radar on this end. The word Obligation will usually send the blog ladies underground. hahaha

kimmie

April 18th, 2011
2:00 pm

Leggs – Yep, or we get the usual “Well if you won’t, someone else will” spill.

Or a woman can assume if he’s turning her down, he’s probably getting it SOMEWHERE! LOL!!

Leggs

April 18th, 2011
2:03 pm

I knew someone would come on and say spouse should come before children. We had a very lenghty blog discussion over children vs. spouse in the past.

Leggs

April 18th, 2011
2:05 pm

@kimmie ~ just this past weekend I told lil leggs when a boy tells her that she’s to tell him “then let someone else!”

THE INFAMOUS DK

April 18th, 2011
2:05 pm

I just dropped by to drop a heavy duty joint on ya’ll ..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZeKaHBMKows

Good afternoon Party people..

Willie Dynamite

April 18th, 2011
2:06 pm

Leggs – the practical things needed to make your home energy efficient are what your Grandma told you years and years ago. You have the most energy efficient home and still have bad habits that will drive your costs up.

ABC – I understand that and I’m consciously working on that. The problem is Deep down I know that my Wife may not always be my wife but my kids gon be my kids no matter what.

AmazonRed™

April 18th, 2011
2:07 pm

Oh, and seeing as I’m not married, I’m not obligated to anyone for sex. :lol:

However, there is always the time in dating when you’ve been going out regularly, he’s spent a lot of money, and there have been some heavy make out sessions. You’re fine with continuing this pattern but you know he’s ready to slide into home. :lol:

Is some physical better than none? Or should you just be a nun until you are completely ready to go all the way?

Willie Dynamite

April 18th, 2011
2:08 pm

meant to say you CAN have

kimmie

April 18th, 2011
2:09 pm

Leggs – Absolutely and I’m glad you told her that!

To be honest, a guy has to do a lot more that turn me down one or two times for me to think he might bat for the other team!

Purple Rain

April 18th, 2011
2:11 pm

Ladies line up! I am here for the obligatory sex that you all owe me!…..I listen to the voices in my pants………….

Willie Dynamite

April 18th, 2011
2:15 pm

Ared – I use a general rule of thumb that I use to verbalize during the making out sessions. When I pass second base then I’m sliding into home, I don’t recognize Third. Stop me at Second and we good. I would most times stop myself at second just to get the signal to take home. Don’t play with me cause I fo sho aint playing with you.

AmazonRed™

April 18th, 2011
2:15 pm

God

Husband

Children

Family (In-laws)

Money

Household

Work

Sex

Friends

Purple Rain

April 18th, 2011
2:20 pm

God

Wife

Children

Household

Family (In-laws)

Friends

Money

Work

Sex

AmazonRed™

April 18th, 2011
2:21 pm

When I pass second base then I’m sliding into home, I don’t recognize Third. Stop me at Second and we good.

Good to know. I guess it’s bad if I tag you out as you’re sliding into home huh? :lol:

Willie Dynamite

April 18th, 2011
2:28 pm

Ared – I see you conveniently skipped the next line. I’m stopping to wait for the you to wave me home, Then I’m sliding head first. At that point I think we’ll both be pleased with the decision. You aint fooling me, I know you being a Sag and your temperment you don’t recognize third either. Knowing you they get thrown out at first quickly.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 18th, 2011
2:29 pm

Leggs — Touche’ ;-)

SexyCool

April 18th, 2011
2:29 pm

Obligatory sex…..boy…that sounds like NO fun.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 18th, 2011
2:31 pm

But you have to admit, Leggs, dudes handle rejection (for s#x, particularly) much better than chicks. We’re used to it. But some of y’all will lose your d@mn minds if we turn down the puddy… :lol:

AmazonRed™

April 18th, 2011
2:32 pm

Ared – I see you conveniently skipped the next line. I’m stopping to wait for the you to wave me home,

I didn’t miss anything. Many a man thought the signals I gave were waving him home, when really my ear was itching. :lol:

Willie Dynamite

April 18th, 2011
2:33 pm

Obligatory sex…..boy…that sounds like NO fun

tell me about it, don’t do me no favors even if you are Mrs.Dynamite.

Purple Rain

April 18th, 2011
2:34 pm

SexyCool it depends. LOL

Swiss, guys handle any kind of rejection better than a woman.

Purple Rain

April 18th, 2011
2:35 pm

Swiss, unless that woman had beaten a man in a sporting event or weight lifting or something. That rejection would be the worst.

Purple Rain

April 18th, 2011
2:36 pm

I think that I would get over the intial pangs of obligatory sex once I start to climax. I may feel empty afterwards but for that climatic moment all will be okay!

Raqi V

April 18th, 2011
2:38 pm

Well if you won’t, someone else will

kimmie, that’s when you say “Let me show the door”. LOL