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Date debate: Obligations

The fastest way to find out if you and your date have similar “moral compasses” is to bring up the topic of “obligatory sex” (yes, those are sarcastic quotation marks).  I found that it’s one of those getting to know you topics that a man and woman can have that lets them know just how compatible they are.  Trust me.

At one point, I had to stop and think how we even got here.  The conversation related to someone not being in the mood and how their partner deals with it.  I agreed that I would not state my personal opinion on the topic until after the MIA blog readers discussed what they thought, so I will just frame the topic like this:

Is there ever a time when you are obligated to be intimate with your partner?

Would you ever tell your partner that they are obligated to please you?

How important is it to find out about a person’s attitudes/views about sex when you are dating? When do you start exploring that topic with them?

P.S. Have you ever been on a date with someone and they said something that annoyed you so much that you wanted to get up and walk out? Yeah, just wondering.

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

227 comments Add your comment

Sexual Chocolate

April 18th, 2011
6:31 am

One word – Chemistry! Either you got it or you don’t. If you like to fugg don’t hook up with someone who does not!

catlady

April 18th, 2011
6:39 am

Obligatory? No. Consensual? Yes.

Have I ever walked out on a date? No, but I can imagine doing that in the wrong situation.

Have I ever been turned down when I wanted sex? Yes. It hurts. Didn’t like it.

tyrone from east point

April 18th, 2011
6:44 am

During Holy Week…Easter is Sunday, this is your topic?

JT

April 18th, 2011
7:10 am

I wouldn’t call it obligatory sex, I would think that everyone would want to satisfy their partner’s desire/need. It’s called sacrifice/compromise. Now on the flip side of that is if you have had an awful day, extremely tired, or just have other pressing issues, your partner should understand that sex can wait unitl a better time.

Never walked out on a date, nor had anyone walk out on me…

mikey D

April 18th, 2011
7:23 am

two weeks hump or dump

CEB

April 18th, 2011
7:23 am

Olderandwiser49

April 18th, 2011
7:27 am

Sex should simply “happen”. It should not be forced, coerced, or given as a sense of obligation. “Obligatory Sex” has the same effect as asking for an apology or asking someone if they love you – the response is meaningless. Sex, like love, should be given freely and unconditionally, or not at all.

zinc

April 18th, 2011
7:36 am

I think obligatory is a tough word but yes, there are times that I have not been in the mood and still had sex with my partner. But in nearly all of those situations, we were in a committed relationship. I can recall a few times where I knew I was over dating a woman and had yet to break it off but we were spending time together. In each of those cases, I feel obliged a bit to have sex because that is what she wanted.

I do think there is a point in a committed relationship where each partner must give into the other from time to time. That is part of being in a relationship. Right now, my fiance and I are in the mood at totally different times of the day. She is a right before bed person. I am more of a middle of the day person. It is a give and take relationship to meet both our needs.

On you last note, I have had TWO dates that I nearly walked out on. One was with a woman that I had been on numerous dates with. She made a disparaging comment about the waiters ethnicity that was overheard by the table next to us. It immediately turned to an argument so I found our waitress and asked her to make our order to go. Date over. The second was a first date with a someone that I really liked. We had a great banter and buildup to the date. She was a bit nervous and showed up on the date a bit tipsy. After the second drink she spilled her guts on the entire world of politics. While I agreed with 99% of what she was saying, it was totally inappropriate in the setting. And a major turnoff. Needless to say, I didn’t leave but I instantly ended the dating part of the relationship. We later became really good friends.

Atlanta= land of the free, home of the thirsty

April 18th, 2011
8:42 am

If the date is going bad, text a friend and have them concoct a faux emergency to call and get you out of it. Or, simply tough it out and never see the person again. Thankfully I have never had to do this but I have been a “saver” before.

I am NEVER obligated to do anything. Call it callous, selfish. Idc

SlimNumeroUno

April 18th, 2011
9:13 am

Marvelous Monday to all,

Nope, never walked out on a date or had the urge to pull a disappearing act due to something brash they said. I’m pretty much in line with what has already been said regarding the Obligatory versus Consentual sex. There have been plenty of times when my partner and I were not on the same sex wavelenght/schedule. I tend to lean more toward night time nookie as opposed to morning gooshie. There have also been times when i wasn’t really in the mood but he was so geared up that I went along with the program. More times than not, I ended up happy that I did oblige him. I’m sure it has gone both ways with him not wanting to really give it up but he does OR he’ll please me in a less strenuous way…that way everyone is happy. ;-)

MC Hammock

April 18th, 2011
9:15 am

No such thing as oblicatory sex. You either want to or you don’t. HOWEVER, if you don’t want to, bear in mind that there is a sea of fish out there that want to. Don’t think someone will just hang around for a while because of your personality and good looks. I’d rather cut the grass with fingernail clippers in a hail storm that have sex with someone that didn’t want to. But you put yourself in that position if it is a constant thing. Moving on to more lubricated pastures.

Never had a date walk out on me, but I have no doubt that some have wanted to. I have asked for the check prematurely and taken a date home prematurely because they were being a pain or it was going very, very poorly. If you act like a biotch, you’ll get treated like one. You act like a pain and I’ll remove the cause of that pain. Nothing personal about it….well, yeah it is.

czBrat

April 18th, 2011
9:16 am

HiYas!

i’m with zinc n jt on this one. although “obligatory” leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, there have been times i’ve had to push issues aside and take care of my s/o. he’s an amazing man and should not be wandering around unfulfilled :razz: but he doesn’t pout if he gets an occasional “no. thanx” either.

i hear ya on this too —-> my fiance and I are in the mood at totally different times of the day.
good sex knocks me right out, so i’m all for it just before bed. s/o says it’s the best way to start the day. i tell ya i STRUGGLE to get up and at ‘em after a good a.m. romp. :lol:

Pamela Anderson

April 18th, 2011
9:18 am

I think that every man is obligated to want to have sex with me all the time. If you won’t have sex with me, I’ll walk out on you. It’s that simple.

Simple Man!!!!!

April 18th, 2011
9:27 am

Morning Folks!!! Gonna be first to admit it…had a date walk out on me once…We were on a first date, She felt the wait staff was a bit to friendly…She mentioned it to me, I laughed…she excused herself to go to the bathroom..waitress came over and said I think your date just left..I said, good thing we she had not ordered!!! I invited 3 ladies that were waiting for a table to join me, and they were wonderful ladies and it tured out to be a much better time than I was having with the original….

knockoutblonde

April 18th, 2011
9:30 am

Yes, I have walked out on a date. My time is too important to me to just go through the motions for an entire evening.

Yes, it is very, very, very importnat to me to be on the same page with regards to the moral compass and sex. I will not give or accept obligatory sex under any circumstance. Problem is, if I’m vibing with you and things are going well. I’ll be wondering what sex with you is like. Whether that happens or not is another story. But you better believe I’ll be thinking about it. Can’t say that I can remember a man saying NO to sex when the offer is on the table. I would think there is something very strange with him if he did. And don’t give me this moral comopass thing. Men are men and I love ‘em. They may try and act otherwise, but if you put a pretty face, a nice pair and an amorous attitude in front of them….it’s a done deal.

SlimNumeroUno

April 18th, 2011
9:35 am

czBrat – I’m the same way…good sex is a great night cap. So when you come humping my backside in the wee hours of the morning, all i can think is I’m not ready to get up as it is, now you want to take my last few minutes of sleep time away. lol Then if we get our morning groove on, i want to roll over and go back to sleep…not get up shower to get ready to go to work with the wobbly legs. :oops:

Raqi V

April 18th, 2011
9:37 am

Obligatory anything is within marriage and marriage only. And that’s not a bad thing at all.

SlimNumeroUno

April 18th, 2011
9:41 am

Raqi – I understand your point of in Marriage-Only on the obligatory sex but that does happen as well when you’ve been in a long term relationship. Everyone isn’t on the same page at the exact same time All the time.

czBrat

April 18th, 2011
9:42 am

um. no, simple, i had not left. that trifling server lied. i returned to see the menage going on at our table, then i left. btw, you owe me cab fare.
i kid! how are ya?

omg, slim! i couldn’t have said it any better. LOL. it’s to the point s/o will warn me that he’s setting my alarm a half hour earlier so i can be prepared. my compromise is that i DO roll over and snooze …. i just skip my morning yoga. :}

Raqi V

April 18th, 2011
9:48 am

SlimN, believe you me, I know and agree. The hub and I dated for 4-1/2 years before the getting married. I was just pointing out the fact that “obligation” in the true sense is only when you are married.

Before marriage we did because we love each other. In marriage we do because we love each other AND because it’s our duty as husband and wife.

Leggs

April 18th, 2011
9:50 am

Good morning.

I agree with everyone who feels the word “obligatory” is a bit harsh. In all relationship there are times when one party wants sex and the other isn’t necessarily in the mood. It’s called compromise. Because once you start, your mind and body will be in sync and you’ll find your more in the mood than you originally thought.

Raqi V

April 18th, 2011
9:54 am

That’s why I feel marriage is the ultimate commitment. It’s put you on the spot of obligation, duty and being accountable to each other.

SlimNumeroUno

April 18th, 2011
9:56 am

Raqi – I gotcha ;-)

Raqi V

April 18th, 2011
9:57 am

Leggs, I say it all the time, anybody can be persuaded. The key to commitment in my opinion is allowing yourself to be open to be persuaded.

It’s says much about a person that cannot make themselves do for their partner just because they are not feeling it at the time. But there is balance to be had even in wanting and giving in.

Simple man!!!!

April 18th, 2011
9:58 am

CZ…LOL….You should have taken a Town Car!!! You are sooo much better than a cab!! :)

Leggs

April 18th, 2011
10:06 am

Exactly, Raqi V! Exactamundo!

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 18th, 2011
10:10 am

Morning folks…

There are certain things that husbands & wives should do (willingly and happily) to keep their spouse happy (and to just plain keep their spouse). Guys need to handle their business, take care of any problems/projects around the house, help out with the house work (especially if the wife works), avoid being a slob, and keep the romance going in the relationship (take the wife out on dates, do random thoughtful things just to let her know you’re still courting her, etc.). And women had d@mn well better f__k their husbands. Well. :lol: If those things don’t get done (by either party) there will be problems….

Raqi V

April 18th, 2011
10:14 am

Swiss, LOL at you making it seem like that’s all a wife has to do – fhh. There is a lot more to being a wife…a good wife than just fhh.

Leggs

April 18th, 2011
10:16 am

Message to all from Me.lo – “responding to u from my hotel suite in Harare.

I will be back in the Atl on the 19th of April and at work maybe a day or two later after shacking off the jet lag. Talk to u guys soon and tell everyone I said hello. Celisea, I’m well, but tired!”

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 18th, 2011
10:16 am

Raqi — This is true. But the f__king (or lack thereof) is the one universal deal-breaker for us dudes… ;-)

For Real

April 18th, 2011
10:20 am

Morning Blog Fam!!!

The only obligations a man and a women have to each other is when they are married. PERIOD!!!

I walked out on a date. It wasn’t anything one thing she said but she was just so freaking mean and bitter about her past. So I told this evening is not going to work paid for her dinner and jetted.

czBrat

April 18th, 2011
10:21 am

LMAO @ Raqi. i was thinking ‘dang. swiss makes it sound like we get a pretty sweet deal’.

swiss, if you subscribe to the chris rock theory of love and marriage, you left out two major deal-breakers. ijs.

hola, Leggs!!

TenderRoni

April 18th, 2011
10:22 am

Morning All,
I agree with most who has stated that its about compromise. Its about setting my feelings, and giving to my partner. When I’m not in the mood, I can usually muster up the feelings to get me in the mood, with the help of the s/o of course.

I have never walked out on a date. But I had one date where he wanted to continue the date somewhere else, and I nicely declined to go the next venue. Luckily I drove, and I throw up the Dueces and was out.

kimmie

April 18th, 2011
10:25 am

Good morning All! Still in “move” mode, but I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel. I feel good that a lot of things I am giving away will go to good use by others who really need them.

On topic – I’ll start at the bottom. Have never walked out on a date or had one to walk on me. I have scheduled a date where a early exit was guaranteed, like a lunch date during a work day. Glad I did too, because I did not want to go out with him again and an entire evening would have been torture.

As for obligation, while true the only real obligation is within a marriage, certain considerations have been made within a long-term relationship as well. It is a good test for marriage, if you are willing to compromise or bend a little, you all may be ready to take it to the next level. If not and you are so unyeilding, then yeah, stay single.

For Real

April 18th, 2011
10:25 am

“Guys need to handle their business, take care of any problems/projects around the house, help out with the house work (especially if the wife works), avoid being a slob, and keep the romance going in the relationship (take the wife out on dates, do random thoughtful things just to let her know you’re still courting her, etc.). And women had d@mn well better f__k their husbands. Well. :lol: If those things don’t get done (by either party) there will be problems….” – And the queye said AMAN!!!!

“It’s says much about a person that cannot make themselves do for their partner just because they are not feeling it at the time.” – I’ll say it again, you are one quirky chick but you get it.

TenderRoni

April 18th, 2011
10:26 am

@Swiss- thank you for your post, plain and simple man prespective

For Real

April 18th, 2011
10:28 am

Raqi: On your 9:57 post, what always amaze me is when people will do any and everything they can to keep a job but will disregard their partner and put limitation on their partners but not their job.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 18th, 2011
10:30 am

cz / Raqi — I’m not saying that’s the only thing involved in being a good wife / keeping a husband happy… but I am saying that that’s the one thing guaranteed to be an issue for any husband if it’s not happening.

But since you mention it, I do have to say, from a dude’s perspective — a good f__k won’t make other issues go away… but it will make me forget about them for a while… :lol:

Dr. Spock

April 18th, 2011
10:35 am

When a relationship or marriage is going well, sex occupies about 40% of the marriage. When things are bad in the relationship/marriage, sex is 90% of the problem.

I didn’t make that up. That was one of the quotes from a marriage counseling session.

Raqi V

April 18th, 2011
10:44 am

ForReal, I agree. Yep folks will give their all without complaint, endure all kinds of aggravation and manipulation to keep a job, but find it to be asking too much to be obligated and/or have a duty to their spouse.

They are pretty much telling their spouse or S/O, “you don’t mean that much to me”.

For Real

April 18th, 2011
10:45 am

Dr. Spock: One major issue between couple is the definition of “When a relationship is going well” and “When a relationship isn’t going well”. Since men and women see things differently often times their perception of the relationship will differ.

Blog please rank each in order of important:

Money

Children

Work

Sex

Household

Friends

Family (In-laws)

Raqi V

April 18th, 2011
10:45 am

Swiss, that may be a thing but it’s definitely not the only thing that can create a problem in my relationship.

Raqi V

April 18th, 2011
10:47 am

ForReal, in the ranking, for your entertainment, can I place equal importance in more than one area?

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 18th, 2011
10:48 am

Raqi — We’re saying the same thing. :lol: Yes, there are other things that will be issues (and will vary from one guy to the next) — but the sex thing will be an issue for every guy. That’s all I’m saying.

For Real

April 18th, 2011
10:49 am

Raqi no, describe them as 1 and 1a cause nothing in life is equal.

czBrat

April 18th, 2011
10:49 am

can we add “we time” to that list? or is that considered “household”????

For Real

April 18th, 2011
10:51 am

Swiss: I also believe the definition of “an issue” and “a problem” differ between men and women. I believe an issue is something minor but a problem is going to cause some money and time. Where women use them interchangeably which cause dudes to get the gas face.

kimmie

April 18th, 2011
10:52 am

What I’ve noticed, from the outside looking in, is that when folks are willing to put their career/job ahead of spouse/family – when they would RATHER work late than go home, something is not going right in the relationship.

Some don’t have the OPTION of making adjustments at work. They just don’t have those types of jobs. So they have to make the best of things when they are at home.

For Real

April 18th, 2011
10:53 am

Brat: I can tell what type of student you were in school. No, answer the questions before you please and uncross your legs while sitting at your desk for Prof. For Real.

Raqi V

April 18th, 2011
10:55 am

I have to say all areas are of equal importance, as with everything has its place at its appropriate time.