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When should you decline a date offer?

I used to get so frustrated with one of my friends because she would accept any and every offer for a date.  It’s great that she is friendly and approachable, I think more women should be! However, she doesn’t seem to have figured out when to turn a date down.

Even though my friend claims to be drawn to a specific type of guy, she welcomes and encourages the polar opposite to pursue her. When things don’t work out she is confused, shocked even.

She thinks I should try it her way more.  She asked me why I didn’t give the guy on Marta -  (a loud man with a tear drop tattoo under his eye) my phone number.  Of course, I could tell we weren’t a match but this was using that whole “judging a book by it’s tattooed cover” logic.  I told her that I’m pretty sure I’m way too boring for him!  Despite his persistent, profanity-laced attempts to get my number, I declined.

Maybe I could adopt her ways more ….and maybe she could try to be more selective.  I’m a firm believer in dating someone compatible with you but that can’t always be determined in a span of a Marta train ride.

When is it appropriate to decline a date or pass on someone who is vying for your attention?

When you figure out someone is not a good match, isn’t the polite thing to do is say no? How do you handle it when you have to let someone know you’re not willing to date them?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

283 comments Add your comment

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 15th, 2011
11:56 am

Hey Purp — Do you guys do that “money dance” thing at Italian weddings? Where people come up & literally pin $$ on the bride & groom before dancing with them?

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 15th, 2011
11:56 am

Raqi V

April 15th, 2011
11:59 am

We don’t do purple kool-aid but I do have some cran-grape juice. Will that be cool?

I think there’s some Samuel Adams, Amstel Light and Coors downstairs in the beverage fridge. We don’t drink so you can have as much of that stuff as you want. But don’t go getting drunk on me. I am not trying to be ‘splaining to my husband why there’s a drunk man out on the lawn.

Leggs

April 15th, 2011
12:02 pm

Isn’t Mad Dog 20/20 Purple (lololol).

JASon

April 15th, 2011
12:03 pm

“When is it appropriate to decline a date or pass on someone who is vying for your attention?”

This must be a joke. I cannot believe this was made into a serious question. No, its completely inappropriate to decline a date with someone! You must accept anyone who asks you out in this world, or else! Lmao

Raqi V

April 15th, 2011
12:04 pm

Dan, man you are worst than husband with that dry humor. LOL Use a “LOL” next time okay?

Purple Rain

April 15th, 2011
12:07 pm

Swiss, no but we do the tarantella dance!

The money is placed in a large kettle pot at the beginning of the receiving line. With the money from both of our families total we had over 50k and some land from my folks.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 15th, 2011
12:07 pm

I deplore the use of “that” phrase in print and moreso in person.

But, I’ll work on it.

Off to get my cheese sandwich. BRB

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 15th, 2011
12:12 pm

“With the money from both of our families total we had over 50k and some land from my folks”

Yeah, other cultures do weddings way better than Americans… Everywhere else in the world weddings are a huge party, but the guests all help pay for it & then some…

Dee

April 15th, 2011
12:12 pm

I’m in my 40s and I’ve been asked out by several 20 something year old guys. I have a 20 something year old son, and I’d never date a guy that young. What is this world coming to? Also, I don’t date guys that I’m not attracted to. Guys seem to think that they’re allowed to look horribly unattractive and still should have a very nice looking woman. Not so! I don’t have a problem telling a man that I’m simply not physically attracted to him if he persists in asking for a date, and I’ve done all I could to avoid telling him why I don’t want to spend extended time looking at him.

Purple Rain

April 15th, 2011
12:13 pm

Swiss, that’s true all I had to buy were her rings.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 15th, 2011
12:14 pm

“I’m in my 40s and I’ve been asked out by several 20 something year old guys. “

Dee — Have you been hanging out at Johnny’s Hideaway?

Purple Rain

April 15th, 2011
12:14 pm

Dee usually ugly people attract other ugly people. Care to post a picture?

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 15th, 2011
12:16 pm

Purp — Yeah, it’s kind of a shame… I’m sure we offended some people by keeping our guest list so small, but if their cheap azzes would help pay for that sh!t we would have had a bigger wedding… :lol:

Raqi V

April 15th, 2011
12:16 pm

Have any of you seen the remote?

ForReal, stop trying to mesmerize Leggs and take my remote out of your pants. You making me miss Family Feud. Somebody hand me the Clorox cleanup.

(!@%$#%@. You can’t put nothing down around that boy before he goes sticking it in his pants.)

Dee

April 15th, 2011
12:16 pm

@Stanley…you must be horribly unattractive and are turned down often by women. Otherwise, how would you know about any female subgroup unless you specifically target them out of your own desperation?

Dee

April 15th, 2011
12:19 pm

@Purple Rain…Yes…I’m horribly unattractive!!!! So, no worries on ever being approached by you. Right?

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 15th, 2011
12:19 pm

Purp — Is your wife Italian also?

Dee

April 15th, 2011
12:20 pm

@ Swiss…no, I don’t.

Leggs

April 15th, 2011
12:24 pm

Let me play devil’s advocate here w/SexyC and the credit card.

I agree with PR that it’s admirable that they are sitting down and discussing these matters because they will be living together. On the other side of the coin, they are co-habitating. They are not married. Not sure if he has proposed but they have discussed. Why should she give up her credit card and score she’s been working on over the years simply because her boyfriend asks her do so. What happened to when in a relationship one must maintain their own identity. Her credit is her credit, not her boyfriends.

Leggs

April 15th, 2011
12:30 pm

I have on my steel encrusted bustier (better than my current blog vest).

Raqi V

April 15th, 2011
12:33 pm

Leggs, I can only assume, yep I assuming from written exchange between SexyC and myself, for him to make such a statement HerDude is in the process of building for their future. He is attempting to get things in line as they walk into life together.

And even more important those are the type things couples should discuss before getting married. The problem with so many couples that are struggling and/or have parted ways is they did not talk about and agree on the important stuff before getting into a marriage.

You should agree on where you are going to live, whether you are going to have separate bank accounts, the spending of money and how (i.e. CC, Cash), kids and how many. So I think he is within his right to be having that discussion with her.

I believe in being “minded” before you enter into anything. Especially a lifetime commitment with someone.

Samantha

April 15th, 2011
12:33 pm

You did the right thing by not giving that guy with the tat of a tear underneath his eye your information. If I’m not interested in a person I simply and politely turn them down when they ask me out on a date. If they persist on dating me I then get it through to them that I’m not interested in dating them and suggest to them not to ask me again and they usually don’t. :)

Raqi V

April 15th, 2011
12:36 pm

And you can wear that steel bustier all you want but it ain’t going to save from this switch imma about to apply to your leggs.

SexyCool

April 15th, 2011
12:37 pm

Tatted-Eye could have been trying to set her up for a robbery. (lol)

Leggs

April 15th, 2011
12:38 pm

@Raqi V ~ I’m assuming the same thing. I see nothing wrong with “discussing” it. Issues like this should be discussed. However, not all discussions/requests will be in favor of the one making the request. You win some, you lose some. Just wondering.

C from Marietta

April 15th, 2011
12:39 pm

@ AmazonRed,

We can tell your real impressed with yourself.

Leggs

April 15th, 2011
12:39 pm

Good one, Raqi V. Note to self: find some armor to protect the legs!

Laid Back White Guy

April 15th, 2011
12:43 pm

Women saying yes “out of pity” is what I worry about. I’m a very nice guy, with a great personality, with lots of friends and I don’t think I’m so hideous people can’t stand to look at me…lol. I have some physical disabilities that I am left with from injuries I received in a car accident a few years back. I’m very self conscious about this. So I usually don’t worry about dating because all I would worry about is that the lady said yes out of pity…that’s just me.

Raqi V

April 15th, 2011
12:46 pm

You win some, you lose some

That’s not only marriage and coupledom, That’s Life.

Purple Rain

April 15th, 2011
12:46 pm

Swiss, yes she is Italian also. We got married in Vegas but has a reception down in Atlanta.

Dee, right I won’t approach you I would hate to stoop down to your ugly. LOL

Leggs, because SexyCool is open to discussing the issue rather than just go her own way and she is willing to submit to her “head” and trust him to noy lead her into financial peril.

Doophus

April 15th, 2011
12:58 pm

A chick approached me last night in South Atlanta and asked me if I wanted a date. I indicated My interest (in principle) as I pondered possible conditions she might desire in addendum. I declined the date. I only had $ 27.00 and she wanted $30.00 and appeared to be in no mood to haggle. A lesson learned that I should carry more cash.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 15th, 2011
12:59 pm

@PR

I’m (kinda) with Leggs here.

I’m not asking for (or expecting) fielty until that ring. Before that, we are free agents negoiating terms.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 15th, 2011
1:01 pm

Now, giving me that trust beforehand may lead to the bling a little faster than the resistance to it would.

Purple Rain

April 15th, 2011
1:02 pm

Dan I am of the mindset that nothing magical happens the moment you say I Do, it is just at that moment confirmed before God and legally so in the time leading up to the both parties need to act the part especially if they are in the same household.

Purple Rain

April 15th, 2011
1:05 pm

And if marriage is their eventual plan. But buying a house together is a major step, so the credit card issue should be small. This is what my wife and I did, I added her to my credit cards and she added me to hers. We have one joint bill account but we both have access to each others personal accounts. If you can trust someone with your health, heart and well being enough to marry them or buy a house with them etc you can trust them with “your” money. The less things are seperate in the same househould the less of a chance of seperation happening in the relationship.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 15th, 2011
1:10 pm

@PR

Of course “I do” changes things – legally. Until that time, both parties have a fiduciary interest in self preservation. But, showing a willingness to let me “lead” in this case would’ve shown me more about where her head is in terms of joining our lives together.

As for joint accounts, good for you and yours my boy. I’m sure you’ll respect my “to each his own” comment.

Tiger Woods

April 15th, 2011
1:13 pm

Would my life be better, if she have said no? Yes!!!

Purple Rain

April 15th, 2011
1:15 pm

Dan of course I respect your comment. Not speaking on SexyCool’s situation exactly but if two people buy a house together, hopefully they have gotten past the point of self interest

Leggs

April 15th, 2011
1:16 pm

Leggs, because SexyCool is open to discussing the issue rather than just go her own way and she is willing to submit to her “head” and trust him to noy lead her into financial peril.

@PR ~ I understand all this. But as you stated, you don’t know if she’s “willing to submit to her ‘head.’”

Purple Rain

April 15th, 2011
1:19 pm

Leggs, where did I state that I knew or didn’t if she were willing?

Leggs

April 15th, 2011
1:19 pm

in that regard.

Leggs

April 15th, 2011
1:20 pm

“because SexyCool is open to discussing the issue rather than just go her own way and she is willing to submit to her “head””

↑ – this is where you said it.

Raqi V

April 15th, 2011
1:22 pm

So, Dan for you marriage is solely the merging of beds and nothing else? Together but separate?

When do you feel the discussing and agreeing on how the household finances and budgets should be handled? Or will there be no discussion for you? You do your thing and she does hers?

SexyCool

April 15th, 2011
1:22 pm

Until the ink is dry on the license and even after, it would be foolish of me to not have some consideration for my own interests alongside those of the relationship.

However, in this particular instance, for me, it’s more about managing the differences in the way we do things and how we think – managing the conflict and how we resolve or compromise on the issue.

And my frank opinion on this specific matter is that simply HAVING the credit card is a non-issue and would continue to be so until IF, God forbid, a time came when I created a bill that I could not manage to pay in a timely manner.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 15th, 2011
1:24 pm

@PR

When people have been single for a while, used to doing things on their own and in their individual way, there is a natural resistance to change that has to be overcome.

More importantly, there is a fear that has to be discussed and conquered. And some arguments are tacit admissions of that fear.

Purple Rain

April 15th, 2011
1:25 pm

Leggs, it’s obvious then that she cares about what her man thinks, and that within itself is a form of submission. Submission is not just bowing down they are working on mutual agreement once he comes around. LOL

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 15th, 2011
1:28 pm

@Raqi

Our lives are being merged in a way that works for us. Yes, we’ve discussed finances, child-rearing, sleeping habits and more.

Are there contentious moments, sure. But they are “teachable moments” for us in resolving conflict and developing a deeper understanding of one another’s thought process.

Purple Rain

April 15th, 2011
1:28 pm

Dan, I agree that being said you are kind of stuck with someone if you buy a house with them for awhile and if something happened to cause them to split it will probably be ugly to seperate the shared interest in that home. Just saying, that a home is a major step towards something and it’s a big financial interest, so how money is spent should really have been worked out before undertaking mutual home ownership. SexyCool I am not pointedly talking about you to but just using some of it for sake of discussion

Leggs

April 15th, 2011
1:30 pm

Again PR, I understand where he’s coming from (in terms of paying for things with cash) and where she’s coming from. Just wanted to play devil’s advocate to see what the massess would say.

I’m surprised my nemisis is so quiet.