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How much communication do you need?

Comedian Chris Rock once said that women loved talking so much, that if talking were an Olympic sport men wouldn’t stand a chance.  Alright, so women enjoy talking…a lot.  What do men have against talking?  There doesn’t seem to be a loss of words when it comes to NBA playoff debates or fantasy football stats!

What some men seem to dread is the discussions about their relationships, though.  Honestly, I’m not a big fan of the long drawn out talks about relationship issues either.  I understand that communication is important to make a relationship work.  I just think some people take it too far and go overboard.  How much communication do you really need in a relationship, anyway?

A reader emailed me recently because she has a hard time getting her man to talk about their sex life.  She wants to find out what he likes, tell him what she likes, and really work on making things better.  Her man is not the “communicating type” i.e. he’d rather just figure it out in the bedroom without all the deconstructing and analyzing.

I know that a man who is not big on communicating is likely to change, but is there some way to compromise this kind of thing?

Men, does it bother you when you are pressed to share feelings, thoughts, etc. when you are dating someone?  If you are in a relationship, are you willing to meet your woman half way and do a little more communicating?

Ladies, do you find that talking to your man about the relationship is like pulling teeth?  Have you tried taking him to a sports bar and talking to him over a beer? <– Advice from Steve Harvey. True Story.

BY Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

279 comments Add your comment

Raqi V

April 13th, 2011
11:14 am

Thank you Dan. We are doing just fine. With the baby issues, toddler issues, teenage boy issues, husband issues, April 15 approaching tax issues…I have been a little busy living.

Yep sometimes life gets in the way of blogging. LOL

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
11:14 am

Raqi – Bugging me about driving, receiving company and getting a phone. Last night (I just listened), she went on and on and on about the phone she wants. Like I said yesterday, once she have in hand the total amount needed, then we’ll make the move. Honestly I can get her one by adding to my plan and probably free as I get all my phones free through our corporate discounts. I have to pay the bill of course but not for the device so we’ll see there. On the knucklehead she likes (for now), I just listened. She said she’s going to bring him to church Easter Sunday. She told me she forewarned him about “her mama”…lol She said I told him come straight unless you want it from the left. I love it.

kimmie

April 13th, 2011
11:17 am

Dan – Maturing is growth, in my opinion.

Raqi V

April 13th, 2011
11:19 am

The man that loves you loves you even when he can’t stand you – and vice versa.

Dan, that is true however being able to stand me runs neck-in-neck with loving me. My husband told me once that love is what motivated him to make a home with me and like keeps him coming back to this home to me every day.

There are many couples that separate and/or divorce and proclaim to still love each other. However their dislike for each others’ ways and habits is what drove them apart. They can’t stand to live with each other. I want my husband to always love me, but I want him to continue to like me just the same.

royally_chic

April 13th, 2011
11:20 am

@WiseDiva Hey chica! It’s been quite a while…it’s good to see you’re still holding MisAdventures down after all these years….I believe you started in 2005-06?! Wow!

As for the topic, I believe it comes down to love languages Men and women have totally different love languages. Now that I’m married I’ve found that when I speak to my husband in terms that he understands or use analogies that he can relate to, it opens the door to a well balanced dialogue. It’s about meeting your significant other where they are by speaking in their “love language.” It’s about making him feel comfortable enough to communicate his feelings/opinions on a variety of subjects without being manipulated into communicating only what YOU would like to hear.

Most times, women that are constantly seeking validation from their significant other will never be satisfied with the truth or any variation of it They only want to hear what they’ve been led to believe is an appropriate expression of love. Love never forces, it is intelligent and only brings you what you need-Deepak Chopra

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 13th, 2011
11:23 am

@Kimmie

You right

@Raqi

Yeah, I know it does

Blackfoote

April 13th, 2011
11:24 am

Thanks Leggs, Celisea this is nothing new about mothers being selfish and taking their childrens lives but good gosh where can their minds be at those critical moments. Oh yeah she may have tried talking to her husband (our topic today) but now all he will have is a 10 year old scarred child to raise. If she did try talking with him I then place blame on him too.

Leggs

April 13th, 2011
11:24 am

Good to read you, as always, Raqi V! Although I understand where you’re coming from, with all that’s on your plate suggests this wouldn’t necesaarily be a good time to “clam up.” :wink:

@Celisea ~ you’re right, she was not a mother! Nothing can make me harm/kill my child. Especially not another human being.

Raqi V

April 13th, 2011
11:26 am

LOL Celisea. I can relate. Cars, money, girls. I can relate.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 13th, 2011
11:29 am

@Raqi

I was talking about the life/blogging.

As for the love of habits, ways, and such; those are things you do, not who you are.

I don’t have to like your “ways” or “habits” and can still like and love you (the nebulous you of course, lest there be any confusion).

I think that’s what chicks don’t get about guys.

Raqi V

April 13th, 2011
11:31 am

Leggs, I know but it gets so frustrating sometimes. I just like many things get on my nerves at one time and then I want to blow up. The hub gets talked to unfriendly solely when it’s a combination of matters that has me upset.

I think because he is my equal I tend to let it out at him instead of the kids when I should have just talked to him from the jump.

kimmie

April 13th, 2011
11:31 am

Delivery goes a long way in communication, in my opinion. You don’t have to be dishonest, beat around the bush or sugarcoat. But I expect anyone that I’m in a loving relationship with to be sensitive of my feelings and the situation. I don’t expect them to talk to me like a thug in the street. Home is where I should have a soft place to land.

It’s like a doctor. Some may be described as having a good “bedside” manner, where others do not. If your diagnosis is cancer or heart disease or whatever, no amount of sugarcoating is going to chance the truth. But how the doctor delivers the news goes a long way in how it’s recieved. A positive attitude is going to be needed to face the fight ahead and promote a healing atmosphere.

Talking to someone harsh and crude that you’re in a relationship with is not mature behavior to me. “I’m just giving it to you straight, telling you the truth” is a copout, again in my opinion. If you really want to effectively communicate something to someone you claim to love, the crudeness really isn’t necessary. Shows no grace or class. Be honest, but kind.

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
11:38 am

Dan – (the nebulous you of course, lest there be any confusion).

Boy stop…lol

Raqi – As Leggs would say “yes indeedy” :)

Leggs/Blackfoote – Exactly. Just plain ole selfish.

Blackfoote

April 13th, 2011
11:38 am

“There are many couples that separate and/or divorce and proclaim to still love each other. However their dislike for each others’ ways and habits is what drove them apart.”

Hello Raqi V hope your family is doing well. This statement you made was my fall and fault.

Raqi V

April 13th, 2011
11:40 am

Dan, I don’t expect my hub to like everything about me but I do know that the snowballing of undesirable ways and habits will drive a person away. Like I stated earlier there are couples that love each other but are separated by one of the other’s spending habits.

Quirks and whatever are just the little things we get used to and learn to live with. But the continuance to do things that put a strain on the household and the relationship, and the failure to consider and meet on another’s needs may not cause a loss of love but will drive a wedge between two people.

One of my sistahs, every time we talk now it seems that she makes the same statement about her husband. “Why does he keep doing that?” and I know that woman loves that man. But something he is doing is wearing her thin in the like department. She has said she can honestly live without that he does. She still loves him but he is possibly driving her to live without him.

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
11:41 am

Blackfoote??? – This statement you made was my fall and fault.

Did you say this? Very commendable. You tell your honey this? Or is this in retrospect.

Simple Man!!!!!

April 13th, 2011
11:45 am

Mornig Peeps!!! Busy at the office and lisenting to the radio as I lurk and I just heard that there are 40 million Platonic marriages in the US today….Can’t imagine 40 million couples married adn not having sex….. OK back to work….

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 13th, 2011
11:47 am

@Kimmie

Where did “crude” “thug” or “in the street” come from?

Nobody has said anything like that.

However, the young lady that stated “in terms he can understand” would definitely be the single rudest statement of the day. “Terms he can understand?” Really?

I think it communication come down to intent. If you feel like you need to use “terms that I can understand” or I get to obfuscating in “considering your feelings” then we are not communicating on the same level at all.

That’s more condescending then any way [I] could say [it].

Raqi V

April 13th, 2011
11:47 am

But I expect anyone that I’m in a loving relationship with to be sensitive of my feelings and the situation.

kimmie, and to respect me. Many times the way we approach does not show respect for and to our significant other. Sometimes we only focus on our stance at the time don’t say things as we should.

No don’t coddle me, but don’t disrespect me either. My feeling and needs matter just as much as his.

Blackfoote

April 13th, 2011
11:48 am

Retrospect Celisea it was over a long time ago. I wish I had the blog back then but in 92 it didn’t exist.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 13th, 2011
11:52 am

@Raqi

I’m sure your sistah has asked him why he does that? If his explanation was not to her liking, that’s one thing. If he didn’t feel the need to provide one, another? An in yet another issue, if she hasn’t asked him about it.

My thing has always been accepting people for who they are. I can not like what you do for any number of reasons, but I know that’s what you do, and thusly I limit my interactions with you based on that.

And then, at a certain point, humility should kick in and people realize that (gasp!) not everyone – even the person you love/loves you – likes everything you do. But they accept you for who you are.

kimmie

April 13th, 2011
11:54 am

Dan – I was making a statement in general. Don’t take it personal, unless you see yourself in that post! :)

The truth can be handled. But I expect to be shown respect. I’ve had “the truth” shouted at me, cursed at me, and said in a condescending way. That’s not how I expect to be communicated to by a person that professes to care about me. I don’t talk to people that way, even if I’m angry.

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
11:55 am

Blackfoote – Retrospect Celisea it was over a long time ago. I wish I had the blog back then but in 92 it didn’t exist.

Gotcha Don’t we all wish the blog existed…in the past…LOL

Raqi V

April 13th, 2011
11:56 am

“Terms he can understand?”

Dan, I agree. I feel that statement is belittling to any man, or woman for that matter. It’s clearly implies that the person saying it feels superior to their mate talks down to them.

My husband and I are two adults and we communicate accordingly. And respectfully.

And I too agree with it “terms he/her can understand” that shows severe incompatibility.

kimmie

April 13th, 2011
12:02 pm

Taking half day today

Be easy!

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 13th, 2011
12:03 pm

@Kimmie

I didn’t.

I was just wonder how you went sooooo far left with anything that got said.

MC Hammock

April 13th, 2011
12:11 pm

@Simple…40 MILLION platonic marriages???? I’m like you. Even if it were true, why would you admit this? Makes me nervous that it could end up like that…..

Reggie

April 13th, 2011
12:15 pm

Why, why, WHY would a marriage (if thet’s what they want to call it) be platonic? Just end it and be done with it. I’ll be that over 75% of those people have s “relief pitcher” on the side. That’s just plain WRONG!

MC Hammock

April 13th, 2011
12:18 pm

I’ll bet they aren’t “communicating” with each other in a respectful manner. Yeah….that’s the ticket…..

Lord Velonese

April 13th, 2011
12:21 pm

I can talk about anything except for Sports or sports players or Celebs, I have a very blunt opinion about those that Fanatics have wanted to get violent at me over it. In which case those fanatics are the mother of all stupid. (Shruggs)

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
12:25 pm

Why, why, WHY would a marriage (if thet’s what they want to call it) be platonic?

Exactly REggie

Willie Dynamite

April 13th, 2011
12:41 pm

Afternoon All,

I agree with most that communicaton is the heartbeat of a relationship. As the relationship grows from like to love to forever so does your communication styles. Your job whether you like it or not will be to adjust to those changing conditions. Evre notice how sometimes in the beginning you talked about any and everything. Then once you get to a point you can say in a 10 min conversation all the things that need to be said. The individual want and desire to accept and/or compromise your stance on how some things are communicated will determine your relationships longevity. Granted Men and women are diff but you do have to find a way to communicate your thoughts and feelings crystal clear (compromising in your style) is a part of it for most.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 13th, 2011
12:43 pm

The way I hand it out is the way I at least should expect to receive.
Celisea I agree 100. Of course that’s where the disconnect is alot of times though. People can dish it out, but they can’t take it.

Delivery goes a long way in communication, in my opinion.
Absolutely. Saying something (”Telling the truth”) is only one part of communication. The other part is whether or not the intended recipient received what was said. If they have, then they must also be able to respond in a way that you can receive. If any of these things are missing, then you aren’t successfully communicating, you’re just saying words.

Blackfoote

April 13th, 2011
12:43 pm

Oh Celisea Happy Birthday to your sweet sixteen. I have fantasized to know what it’s like to have a daughter many times.

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
12:48 pm

Blackfoote – Oh Celisea Happy Birthday to your sweet sixteen. I have fantasized to know what it’s like to have a daughter many times.

Many thanks. Do you have any kids…at all? Oh man, I’m so loving my kid. I ain’t exactly happy about all of her growing pains but hey somebody dealt with mine :) It ain’t over yet, you may still have that daughter some day.

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
12:52 pm

Dreams – Of course that’s where the disconnect is alot of times though. People can dish it out, but they can’t take it.

I agree.

Blackfoote

April 13th, 2011
12:52 pm

Son 25 this year. I don’t know my days are done in that dept.

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
12:59 pm

Blackfoote – Wow, okay. I can’t wait until she’s grown, married and gone :) I gotta be honest, I ain’t feeling another kid AT ALL. I won’t say I won’t have another but ummm, let’s just say Imma have to truly be feeling some kind of way to do that again.

Poppa Grande

April 13th, 2011
1:04 pm

Leggs

Thank you for the birthday shoutout :grin:

Fion

April 13th, 2011
1:06 pm

“let’s just say Imma have to truly be feeling some kind of way to do that again.”

ERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! needle scratches!!!!!!!

Hold the phone. Celisea, how old are you?????? to even be thinking about it?…….That means…….

Oh lawd!!!!!! I’ve fallen for a Baby!!!!!!!!

Blackfoote

April 13th, 2011
1:07 pm

He will play basketball in Iasi Romania this season. He’s a big man 7′ footer. He wants to get more experience before going to NBA.

Leggs

April 13th, 2011
1:14 pm

“I just like many things get on my nerves at one time and then I want to blow up.”

↑ @Raqi ~ then it’s time for you to use the “Key of Knowledge.” Do not internalize all that’s bothering you until you “pop off” at the mouth because your nerves are ratt*led. That which you can let “wash down your back” do so. That which you can’t, pick them off as they occur. Don’t let them grow until there’s heated conversations about everything other than what’s really at hand. You know what to do. As Nike so eloquently states, Just Do It! :wink: {{muah}}

@Celisea ~ you are funny!

@PoppaG ~ you are welcome. Hope you have a grand day!!!

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 13th, 2011
1:15 pm

@Dreams

Of course they received what was said, it was spoken out loud. Now (sematically) how it was received is a larger part of it too.

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
1:16 pm

Fion – Oh lawd!!!!!! I’ve fallen for a Baby!!!!!!!!

I’m not a baby but I can still reproduce. Does that help?

Blackfoote – That’s fantab…Heading to the NBA huh? Gone head with his bad self. I think that’s grand.

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
1:18 pm

Fion – ERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! needle scratches!!!!!!!

Okay, this was funny

Leggs – Girl, I know you feel me. Ut uh, no way. Mess around and oops up on another baby. Fion scratching needles and stuff but that’s something to seriously think about as long as you can make one. You know?

Fion

April 13th, 2011
1:20 pm

@Celisea
“I’m not a baby but I can still reproduce. Does that help? ”

yeah…….but I still have to go lay down. The room is spinnin’.

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
1:23 pm

Fion – yeah…….but I still have to go lay down. The room is spinnin’.

Alright, you got me laughing out loud at my desk. Cut out the dramatics. How old do you think I am?

Leggs

April 13th, 2011
1:24 pm

@Fion ~ are you trying to “rock the cradle” or are you trying to give her a cradle???

Fion

April 13th, 2011
1:25 pm

I really don’t know. I had assumed…….38. You know they say about assume, but for real I really don’t know.

Leggs

April 13th, 2011
1:26 pm

@Celisea ~ I’m over here thinking like a little like you. I love my child dearly, but not enough to give her a sibling. Hell, not even enough to give her a gerbil (which she wants)!