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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

How much communication do you need?

Comedian Chris Rock once said that women loved talking so much, that if talking were an Olympic sport men wouldn’t stand a chance.  Alright, so women enjoy talking…a lot.  What do men have against talking?  There doesn’t seem to be a loss of words when it comes to NBA playoff debates or fantasy football stats!

What some men seem to dread is the discussions about their relationships, though.  Honestly, I’m not a big fan of the long drawn out talks about relationship issues either.  I understand that communication is important to make a relationship work.  I just think some people take it too far and go overboard.  How much communication do you really need in a relationship, anyway?

A reader emailed me recently because she has a hard time getting her man to talk about their sex life.  She wants to find out what he likes, tell him what she likes, and really work on making things better.  Her man is not the “communicating type” i.e. he’d rather just figure it out in the bedroom without all the deconstructing and analyzing.

I know that a man who is not big on communicating is likely to change, but is there some way to compromise this kind of thing?

Men, does it bother you when you are pressed to share feelings, thoughts, etc. when you are dating someone?  If you are in a relationship, are you willing to meet your woman half way and do a little more communicating?

Ladies, do you find that talking to your man about the relationship is like pulling teeth?  Have you tried taking him to a sports bar and talking to him over a beer? <– Advice from Steve Harvey. True Story.

BY Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

279 comments Add your comment

SlimNumeroUno

April 13th, 2011
7:55 am

Good morning,

I will be in and out today so hopefully we’ll have some good responses throughout the day.

Dr. Spock

April 13th, 2011
8:27 am

Men do enjoy talking about items that are of interest to them. In relationship discussions, they just want a general view, because the details are just too time consuming. The more the woman presses, the more the man retreats further back in his mental cave.

Women are the same way, just on different subjects. They also cover the same subjects many times and in a variety of angles while the men are thinking “Didn’t I just answer that?” Men can think “Will she EVER shut up?” while the women think “Why won’t he talk to me and what is he hiding?”

Reggie

April 13th, 2011
8:32 am

If I EVER had a woman that actually ASKED about what I liked in bed or world actually TELL me what she liked or her fantasies, I would wrap her up and put her in a safe to protection. In my experience, wemen just think sex should “happen” and the man either knows how or he doesn’t. I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman that would actually hold a lengthy conversation on sexual likes or dislikes.

On the other side of the coin, women can run off at the mouth about virtually everything else.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 13th, 2011
8:35 am

Half of that “talking about [y]our relationship” is a exercise in validation. It’s about a need to ensure that reciprocity in your chosen mate. Most guys (ie, the one’s I’ve had these discussions with) feel like “I’m here” is validation enough; all while realizing that the dreaded conversation is a necessary evil.

As for the conversation about sex, well, that’s a welcomed one. If there are improvements that need to be made, let’s get to it. Why waste either of our time by exercising futility?

I for one, have always been comfortable and attracted to women that could voice their opinions about sex (in and out of the designated area at that time), so I personally don’t have a problem with it.

Morning

DFW D.C.

April 13th, 2011
8:42 am

chicks blabber bout everything but the important stuff. Telling me what u like in bed is great and welcomed. Telling me bout Niecy’s relationship issues does nothing for me

Jeff

April 13th, 2011
8:49 am

It’s not that men are wrong; we’re simple creatures.

My experience tells me this: men’s priorities are usually 4-5 and rarely change throughout his life. Women’s , on the other hand, are @20 and half of those change on trends, the last oprah show, the last lifetime movie, the last commercial, etc

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 13th, 2011
9:26 am

Yeah… Got to agree with what most of the other dudes have said already… Guys don’t mind talking, we just don’t like to talk about the same sh!t that you do. Now, as for this muff___ who didn’t want to talk about sexual likes/dislikes with his chick… Um… yeah, there’s something wrong with that picture…

Morning, blogville!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 13th, 2011
9:28 am

Morning

What some men seem to dread is the discussions about their relationships, though.
Not true. What men dread is the discussion about the jealous b%#$es at your job. The only relationship discussion that bothers me is the one we’ve had already (and mutually agreed was resolved). That shyyyyt irks the ph$#$ck out me.

Bumpity Bump

April 13th, 2011
9:31 am

ATTEMPTED BLOG TOPIC HIGHJACK! (Worked like a charm yesterday) Adult websites (you know what I’m referring to)make more money off the internet than the REST OF THE INTERNET COMBINED! What is it about that item that is so attractive to men and in some cases, women?
1) Does it bother you when your man/woman watches it?
2) Do you think he/she is comparing your body to the models?
3) Do you think he/she could pick up a few tricks from it?
4) After seeing it, do you ever wonder if your “style” is too bland or vanilla?

Speak now or forever hold your peace……

Wayne Gacy

April 13th, 2011
9:37 am

Well…..ALL RIGHTY THEN! Consider the topic highjacked.

MC Hammock

April 13th, 2011
9:38 am

I think BB wants to get employed by the AJC. Maybe he should start a “Man Blog”. Wonder what all of the topics would center around….? LMAO

Leggs

April 13th, 2011
9:44 am

Good morning!

@Reggie ~ I like your post. I’m the type that will talk with a man about what I like, asks what he likes and even talk about fantasies. Hopefully, we’ll both be able to make some of those fantasies come to fruition. I never thought it rare for a man and woman to communicate their sexual desires. Even to the point of letting each other know what they “don’t” care for. It should be part of helping the relationship grow, as well as learning about your partner’s likes and dislikes.

Sassy Me...Exhaling :-)

April 13th, 2011
9:45 am

That’s such a thirsty rookie move. If you’re going to do dirt(or try to) just do it…no need to announce it..

kimmie

April 13th, 2011
9:47 am

Morning All!

I’m not a big “let’s talk” kind of woman in my relationship. I guess I’m kind of like a guy in that respect. Let’s just hit the important stuff when we need to and move on. Get back to the fun and interesting stuff we like to talk about. Work stuff – we both share a little of the drama that goes on, but I doubt if it would add up to 5 minutes over the course of 2 weeks. Gender-based stuff – well that’s what I have my girlfriends for or this blog!

We just don’t feel the need to psychoanalyze everything. And my man’s undergrad is in psychology. When we need to talk about something, we do! If it’s something we need further help with – I’m sure he would see to it that we got the help. Otherwise, don’t stress things.

Sassy Me...Exhaling :-)

April 13th, 2011
9:47 am

It should be part of helping the relationship grow,

Exactly. That should be a normal process in the growth and evolution of a meaningful relationship. That’s part of the crux of it I think. We all want to please our partners but that can’t/won’t happen without dialogue.

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
9:49 am

Bumpity Bump, every now and then…okay many days…the topic changes at the mere mention of the words off topic. I think though you have the wrong impression from yesterday’s turn. We ain’t pervs…lol If you try too hard, in switching up that can have a reverse effect…you can kill the flow.

Sassy Me...Exhaling :-)

April 13th, 2011
9:52 am

If you try too hard, in switching up that can have a reverse effect…you can kill the flow.

cosign….

Leggs

April 13th, 2011
10:00 am

Before I forget —–

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO POPPAG, JAMOCA and DEMIGOD/ALVIN!!!!!

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 13th, 2011
10:02 am

Also, I think men & women have completely different motives with talking. For dudes, it’s an exercise in problem solving. If you tell us your problem(s), we’re going to offer up possible solutions. I think most women just want someone to validate her feelings and agree with her that that hussy at work is a b!tch… :lol:

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
10:08 am

……….and (drumroll) to my kid….16 years old today….

I didn’t know Jamoca’s birthday was today

Happy Birthday to you bloggers as well!!!

MC Hammock

April 13th, 2011
10:10 am

@Swiss, That’s almost word for word what’s in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Men feel like that if you approach them with a quandry, you are asking them to fix it…so we try. Women just want to vent and share their feelings and have someone sharing those feelings with them. For women, it’s not necessarily about finding a solution to the problem. That’s just Greek to a man. Why detail the problem to us if you aren’t looking to solve it?

Al Bundy

April 13th, 2011
10:13 am

Peg: “Al, when you were talking obout all those women, you weren’t talking about me were you?”

Al: “I never do….”

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 13th, 2011
10:16 am

Happy Birthday’s to all those mentioned

Fion

April 13th, 2011
10:20 am

@ Celisea
“and (drumroll) to my kid….16 years old today”

“Great job SUPER MOM!”

………as Celisea stands there with hands on hips, cape flappin in the wind and Go-Go boots!

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
10:22 am

Fion – Go Go Boots….absolutely!! Funky and sexy!!

SUPER MOM I am :)

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 13th, 2011
10:23 am

Happy Bday to all the bloggers.

Fion

April 13th, 2011
10:24 am

yeah, in peeped your style a while back. :)

Fion

April 13th, 2011
10:25 am

Hands down toughest job on the planet today! “Being a Parent.”

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
10:27 am

Fion – :)

Funny how you can draw ideas and conclusions and styles and personalities (to some degree) by how we write. I’m not including folks faking…lol

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
10:28 am

Fion – Hands down toughest job on the planet today! “Being a Parent.”

You ain’t never lied.

Raqi V

April 13th, 2011
10:28 am

Looking back, when I was much, much younger and very naïve, hindsight shows me that all the extraness in communication that I needed and wanted back then was merely the need for confirmation. Needing to know that “he” loves and adores me. Getting him to express his feelings was my attempt to get that confirmation. I grew to learn to recognize love in action. Upon learning that didn’t mean I no longer required verbal interaction but it just means that I don’t need that verbal confirmation like I used to.

Now having been so long with my love our communication is talking about our everyday happenings. Keeping each other in the know. Discussing the kids, household matters, the business and not taking each other for granted. Remaining mentally abreast. If one doesn’t like something we say it. That’s communicating.

When it comes to physical communication we do our best to stay in touch. We are quite comfortable at this point in our baring it all. And by that I mean if one of us just wants “a little of [this] tonight” we let it be known. That eliminates some aggravating thoughts and tiring moments.

And there is something seriously wrong in any relationship when the only communication and discussions your man even attempt to be a party of is those that pertain to sex. Run like the wind if your guy will only give you the time of day to talk about sex and all things remotely related to sex.

Fion

April 13th, 2011
10:30 am

@ Celisea

I play around (joke) on here a lot, but every now and then I’ll say something that’s really part of me.
If you pay close attention to what some say, you can see where they’re at.

Raqi V

April 13th, 2011
10:34 am

I think communication fails a lot when complacency sets in. Many get set in a way where things are slight above passing or average at best and any mention of changing for the better or best gets balked at. You should never allow yourself and relationship to get to where as long as things are ‘okay’ with you, your mates needs and wants are less than important as far as you are truly concerned.

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
10:38 am

Fion – I play around (joke) on here a lot, but every now and then I’ll say something that’s really part of me.
If you pay close attention to what some say, you can see where they’re at.

This is probably how it is most times for others. You’re right though even among the joking and debating you can extract a lot from what’s written.

Blackfoote

April 13th, 2011
10:39 am

I wellcome any opportunity to listen,talk,advise, and, recieve criticism. I expect the truth from you all I ask is don’t go off when I am truthful with you. “Some” women emotions are chips on their shoulder.

Happy Wednesday Folks:

kimmie

April 13th, 2011
10:46 am

I grew to learn to recognize love in action.

Raqi – That’s a real sign of growth. Not saying you don’t need the verbal anymore, but it better be expressed by your actions first and foremost.

Picante

April 13th, 2011
10:49 am

I saw someone post this on an earlier blog:

Her: “I can’t believe you said that. That hurt my feelings.”

Him: “But you asked me to always tell you the truth.”

Her: “But the way you said it was very hurtful.”

Him: “Actually, all I said was the truth. Maybe me telling you the truth is what really hurt your feelins.”

Blackfoote

April 13th, 2011
11:00 am

Hey talking mother power and thanks for all you mothers and step moms. But tell me how this mother in NY drove into the Hudson River killing herself and all her children. This is what I’m talking about a woman wearing her emotions on her shoulder.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 13th, 2011
11:01 am

Alot of people communicate with constraints. For example, I was having a conversation this morning about someone who always likes to say, “I don’t sugarcoat. I tell it like it is.” This same person is the BIGGEST baby when they’re on the receiving end of being told like it is. That’s not communication.

Leggs

April 13th, 2011
11:02 am

@Celisea ~ Happy 16th to your child AND TO YOU. 16 is no joke (LOL).

“I think communication fails a lot when complacency sets in” – EXACTLY. When you become so set in a routine, boredom sets in quickly and the mind and eye starts to wander. Without communication, someone else’s plate becomes more inviting and appears to be tastier. A relationship must remain as robust as your morning coffee. You can’t wait to get to your morning cup of coffee. You should have the same amount of jest for your relationship. Keep it vibrant and open therefore communication should never be a problem.

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
11:02 am

While I think communication is key, I would have to agree the approach, the delivery and the expectation contrasts much so. After so long a time with a person, you sort of learn how to approach a discussion void of the dread associated. One thing I’ve learned over the years, the quickest way to have a man avoid you or shut down is to state “we need to talk.” And because men and women view “talking” or having a talk much much diferent, sometimes just being clever how a woman goes about it, is half the battle.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 13th, 2011
11:03 am

Glad to see you (and your sense) back Raqi!

Hope you and the little one’s are doing well!

Mr_NYC

April 13th, 2011
11:05 am

Great communication is the fuel of intimacy.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 13th, 2011
11:05 am

@Kimmie

Learning to recognize love in action ain’t growth (IMO), it’s maturing beyond that fantasy.

The man that loves you loves you even when he can’t stand you – and vice versa.

Leggs

April 13th, 2011
11:06 am

@Blackfoote ~ “emotions” isn’t a strong enough word. She was wearing her “disgust” on her shoulders with her life, her husband and her children. The 10-yr old she let out was to punish her husband daily from her watery grave.

Raqi V

April 13th, 2011
11:08 am

Yes kimmie it is nice to still hear every now and then how much I am loved and needed but I can see clearly just how much I do mean to him.

Not communicating breeds resentment and disdain. The old saying is “a closed mouth doesn’t get fed”. We make the mistake in not speaking up and/or speaking out, yet we get angry with our mates when we are not getting what we need and want. We get angry when our mate doesn’t come thru for us but we leave them to read our minds or interpret our actions.

I am still guilty of that offense sometimes of allowing matters to go too long and I get upset but then I have to look within and tell myself “Girl stop. Say something to the man so he will know how you feel”.

Raqi V

April 13th, 2011
11:09 am

Celisea, 16 huh? Is she bugging you to death about driving like my knucklehead is. LOL

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 13th, 2011
11:09 am

@Dreams/Picante

I get accused, often, but being an arsehole so much that I’ve come to accept in myself.

But where people get that is me telling the truth.

“No, it’s not always pretty. No, I could not have said it “better’” (perhaps in a showtune – fugg does that even mean?). “I gave you the truth, as I saw/felt it, in that moment.”

At a certain point, people get so blindsided by what’s said, that all they can argue is the “how”.

Celisea

April 13th, 2011
11:10 am

Thanks Leggs.

Blackfoote – She was not a mother….at all. First she wasn’t able to deal with whatever the problem was then she was selfish.

Dreams – I’ve had my feelings hurt awful from having “a talk” but I want it no other way. I know the mantra for most men is women don’t like honesty but I don’t want a person to tell me what I want to hear or soften it up for me. Give it to me straight. The way I hand it out is the way I at least should expect to receive.

Raqi V

April 13th, 2011
11:11 am

Leggs, I am wildly raising my hand to be the first to say that I have felt the sting and strain of failing to communicate. And I am talking very recent happenings.