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Relationship reality: When do you leave?

Before he became a published author, my friend Panama Jackson, co-author of “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm” was a guest of this blog! Here is when we discussed the reasons people don’t end bad relationships when they should:

Panama: I admit that I’ve firebombed a relationship or two in my day – we all have. However, over the course of time, you just get fed up with dating the wrong person. You finally accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, you two aren’t meant for each other.

Wise Diva: Yeah well, it only becomes crystal clear to some of us after a lot of blood, sweat, and tears, and maybe a few restraining orders. It seems as if we end up trying to fit a round peg into a square hole, not a good fit. So maybe it takes awhile to figure out that you are square and he is round.

Panama: I’ll never understand, for the life of me, why a woman will sit in a relationship for seven years with a man who has made it clear he’d rather marry a panda bear than her.

Wise Diva: You want to know why we wait for seven years? Because we just INVESTED a solid six of those years in you – someone we actually thought we loved. No, we probably shouldn’t have. Yes, you most likely weren’t really worth the wait, but we hold on in hopes that you are. So when it becomes painfully obvious that we were all wrong, it’s a tough reality check. We definitely can’t place all the blame on you, because sadly, we let it happen.

Panama: That’s a hard realization to make for some people because we all get caught up in that bogus ideal of how much time we’ve invested in a situation or person. Newsflash: Just because you’ve invested time into somebody doesn’t mean it was a good investment.

Wise Diva: Well, you got me with that one! So, why do we do it?

Panama: People are afraid of being alone. Terrified is probably a better term for it. So that fear will have you looking past red flags or making excuses for men who probably aren’t bad people, but aren’t being forced to be good men either. It’s really a messy situation.

Wise Diva: I wholeheartedly agree with you on that point. So would you say that this is applicable to men too?

Panama: It goes both ways. I don’t want to make it seem like women are the only ones making excuses or sticking around too long. People settle everyday, and its a shame that we end up settling because we’re afraid of being alone.

What do you guys think, do we sometimes hang on longer because we want a return on our investment? When do you cut your losses and bail out?

Is it about the time invested in a relationship or the actual relationship itself?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

157 comments Add your comment

COME ON NOW

April 7th, 2011
7:41 am

Good morning,

Well when you’ve been with someone for a long time there tends to be that investment mentality. But I think for the most part people stay in dead end relationships out of fear. Fear that they may not meet anybody else. My mom always tells me, “Don’t be like those silly women who think that a piece of a man is better than no man at all. Those type of women will take any old thing.” She’s right. What is the point in settling? Just to say that you have somebody? Please. Anybody can have somebody. I know it’s cliche to say, but I’d rather be single than to be with someone and be absolutely miserable. And I know this because I’ve been in relationships where I was miserable but I was scared to leave because I wasn’t sure I could do better. People with low self-esteem tend to think that way. Then there’s the whole staying in a relationship because you’ve sold yourself the dream of what the relationship could be, when in reality, what you actually have is nothing short of a nightmare.

PrincessNik

April 7th, 2011
7:53 am

What do you guys think, do we sometimes hang on longer because we want a return on our investment? When do you cut your losses and bail out?

I will admit, I have definately been guilty of hanging on longer than I should have, mostly during my early to mid 20’s. However, like the saying goes you live and you learn. I like to think that at this point in time I’m a lot less likely to hang on. I’ve learned to be honest with myself and honestly assess the relationship and the other person. Sometimes we get stuck in the comfort zone, comfortable with the other person, not wanting to “try again” when if you scratch just below the surface you know that overall you are not a good fit for each other. Sometimes you have to say “boo I love you, but we are no good together”. My thing is I Love ME more. At this point in my life its about the actual relationship and not the time invested. I’ve stayed in the past, and at the end looked back and felt like I had wasted a couple years of my life. NOT a good feeling.

Good Morning!

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
8:08 am

Morning Ladies….

My take on this is a little different…I tend to believe that people stay in bad relationships not so much out of fear, but out of pure laziness….Starting a new realtionship or even just dating takes a lot of work…Work that some folks just have no interest in doing. Its just seems like it so much easier to ride it out and hang on to whatever good times you can salvage…..

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 7th, 2011
8:11 am

We should really be careful about how we define “investment”.

In a relationship where the person you’re seeing shows no signs of changing or wanting to change (beyond the platitudes), the moment you realize that – be out.

However, if the person you’re with is genuinely adapting (and that process takes time), then your investment is worth it.

Take it from someone that has given this advice – albeit for stocks – an investment is a long term committment. There will be peaks and vally’, hi’s and low’s, and if the fundamentals of the business [read: person] are sound, over time they will reward you with dividends.

Where, I think a lot of people get caught up is, not analyzing those fundamentals. You’re looking at name recognition (clothes) rather than a steady BoD and senior management (does he/she know there is a problem). You’re looking at how the market is defining them in this moment, as opposed to past performance.

It sounds cold, but when I was looking, I looked for signs bad management (nothing was EVER her fault), poor past performance (I’ve dated a bunch of jerky guys), and then market share (because of those bad experiences, I’m doing x,y,z now).

PrincessNik

April 7th, 2011
8:20 am

Dan,

Your last paragraph, I don’t think its cold, its what i consider logical.

Reggie

April 7th, 2011
8:42 am

I think most people hang on out of familiarity and laziness. At least you already know what you have (good and bad) and it’s not like no one else isn’t complaining about what “they have”. It seems most people with a SO, when they are in quiet circles, all they do is run them down with the “I don’t know how much longer I can take this” moniker. I have rarely heard “This person is just AWESOME and does ______ and ______ for me.” Sorry, I don’t hear it from either men or women Men say things like “If it weren’t for sex, there would be a reward on every woman’s head.” and the women “I swear he gets on my nerves SO much and driving me CRAZY!.” But when they are around that SO, they put on the mask and smile all the way home.

Laziness comes from just starting over at square one and having to, once again, do the things that made us seem pleasant and “quite the catch”. People will say that they aren’t changing for ANYONE, but they always do wherever there isn’t a horse in the stable. Just my two cents.

MC Hammock

April 7th, 2011
8:44 am

I hope we get a better attendance than we did yesterday. Talk about hearing CRICKETS….

Lana

April 7th, 2011
8:49 am

Most of the time, Reality is such a far cry from what you had always imagined it would be. Call it self centered or what you will, but I’ll be DANG if I’m going to spend my time with someone that isn’t a round peg in a round hole. I enjoy men immensely, but since men are from Mars and women are from Venus, we think, value and prioritize things differently. Not that either is wrong, it’s just the nature of the beast. If I feel like that we are not on the same page financially, socially and sexually, no point in kicking the dead animal when they have glassy eyes and no pulse. Good bye, good luck and best wishes to you, but I’ll be seeing you later….not.

Jen64

April 7th, 2011
8:55 am

I can deal with most things, but not being consciencious about others, leeching off my bank account or a dry as a bone libido is a ticket out the door. Been there, done that. I think about others, have a good enough job and then there are my “needs”. If you drop the ball and after being made aware of it, you continue down that path, there are too many fish in the sea to swim with. NO ONE is that important that you just trudge through life wondering What if or WHY.

MC Hammock

April 7th, 2011
8:58 am

DAYUM….seems like we have some trolls that should have read that article as to “Why You’re Not Married”…lol. Particularly the part about “You’re angry”…. Lot of animosity and anger in here, so far.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 7th, 2011
9:02 am

@Lana

So, have you signed up for the “other team”?

Lisa Ann

April 7th, 2011
9:05 am

My b/f better be able to do it twice a day, whether he wants to or not. You can’t fulfill that and ta ta!

Lana

April 7th, 2011
9:06 am

Dan, what are you referring to? You lost me there.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

April 7th, 2011
9:08 am

Morning All!

okay so far so good, looks to be a good discussion today.

Simple Man – I agree with you on the laziness part. That is how I knew I wasnt ready to date after my divorce. I rememeber telling a friend “Im not ready for all that work again yet! I dont want to start from scratch AGAIN!”

Dan – “In a relationship where the person you’re seeing shows no signs of changing or wanting to change (beyond the platitudes), the moment you realize that – be out.” Love this and co-signing 100%

MC Hammock

April 7th, 2011
9:08 am

@Lisa Ann. Look, we know you’re a male troll, so stop posting and go back to your “websites”.

However, if you’re not……..lol

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 7th, 2011
9:10 am

Well, if men are from Mars, and women Venus, and you’re not interested in a man on the same page….then what about a woman?

Because the logical ending to your post is that men and women will never get on the same page…just askin

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
9:19 am

Moring…Happy Thirsty Thursday

Will be peeping in and out

Lana

April 7th, 2011
9:21 am

Dan, Oh heck no. I LOVE men. It’s just that when in a situation where ideas, tendancies and priorities come into play, we value different things, react different ways and treat things differently. I just don’t want to be in a situation where there is constant conflict of those ideas. In certain venues, I love men and love being with them. But the reason I’m divorced and staying that way is that at my age, I like to have certain things and do certain things a certain way. If it’s not your cup of tea, I’ll just go elsewhere and don’t mean it in a mean or bad way. I admit that men and women are different and always will be. But as far as company and doing a lot of things, I wouldn’t trade men for anything.

Joe Mama

April 7th, 2011
9:31 am

Lisa Ann — “My b/f better be able to do it twice a day, whether he wants to or not. You can’t fulfill that and ta ta!”

Just wait until you’re married and 50. You’ll be happy with twice a week. :D

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 7th, 2011
9:32 am

Then Ms. Lana, if I may:

If you’ve reached a stage in life where you’re not willing to compromise, then your chance (if you even have that desire) of finding a good mate are infinitely decreased.

The sheer mathematical odd of finding a man that thinks like you, acts like you, does things in the way that you do them are, well, let’s just say you’ve got a better chance of hitting The powerball lottery at it’s highest value twice in your life.

However, if that is not what you desire, then more power to you. In my heyday, I’da shot you the email addy and made you prove it. Now, I will wish you well in your search.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 7th, 2011
9:35 am

@Mo

Don’t think of it as “starting from scratch” because you’re not. You’re building something new with a new person, using experience and a new set of tools.

MC Hammock

April 7th, 2011
9:38 am

@Joe Mama, Obviously, Lisa Ann isn’t married. If she were, she would just be “going through the motions” twice a month with her hubby to keep him quiet. That’s the difference between being single and being married. Single women act like nymphos. When those same women become married, things……..change.

kimmie

April 7th, 2011
9:39 am

Morning Good Blog People!

For those of you that have been reading me awhile, you may have heard me speak of how I’ve been guilty of hanging on too long in the past. It actually is the number one regret of my dating life. I didn’t really have that “investment” mentality. It was truly that I had sold myself on the IDEA of what the relationship COULD be, not what it really WAS. Also, I started listening to others. The old me right out of high school and college would KIM in a heartbeat. But well-meaning folks started telling me to give dudes more of a chance because no one is perfect. I was fully aware no one is perfect, but I should have stuck to my guns.

Simple, I agree about the laziness too. It is not easy starting over and getting back out there trying to meet someone you can deal with. To make an honest assessment of yourself and what you might be doing wrong. The people you are choosing to date. It’s easy to settle.

It was only when I woke up and just got plain tired of being miserable that things changed for the better with me.

Everything is working out in the end. I am set to marry a great man. But the journey to this point was not without its bumps. That’s life though.

PrincessNik

April 7th, 2011
9:40 am

That’s the difference between being single and being married. Single women act like nymphos

:lol:

Lana

April 7th, 2011
9:42 am

Dan, you are correct in what I desire. No marriage for this chick. And as far as a “search”, there is no shortage of dates out there. All a woman has to do is be presentable and be pleasant. The men will come to you. It’s up to the woman to weed out the selection. It’s actually quite fun and a blast.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 7th, 2011
9:42 am

Morning

We definitely can’t place all the blame on you, because sadly, we let it happen.
Actually, you can’t really place ANY of the blame on the other person. Only YOU can choose to leave or stay. No one else is to blame for your decision pro or con.

do we sometimes hang on longer because we want a return on our investment?
This is investment mistakes 101. Actually, seasoned vets do it too. Invest in a really good prospect that eventually starts to nose dive. Your best bet is to get out early, but many people don’t cash out because they’re hoping the investment will recover…but it doesn’t. By then their investment is almost worthless.

kimmie

April 7th, 2011
9:47 am

Don’t think of it as “starting from scratch” because you’re not. You’re building something new with a new person, using experience and a new set of tools.

Dan – I like that!

Tom C

April 7th, 2011
9:47 am

I know that we are all supposed to want and SO. We are supposed to want the security, the companionship, the friendship, the deepening of the relationship (*throw up), the commitment. I’ve just decided through trial and tribulation that……..life is so much easier, simple and grand staying single and just date someone steady. That way if (the topic) happens, it’s not such a dang hissy fit/mess when you do it.

AmazonRed™ - back from vacay

April 7th, 2011
9:47 am

Morning all -

I’ll never understand, for the life of me, why a woman will sit in a relationship for seven years with a man who has made it clear he’d rather marry a panda bear than her.

I’ll never understand it either.

I tend to err on the side of bailing too quickly. Not every hesitation doesn’t mean things won’t move forward. Still trying to find the right balance there….

ERGO

April 7th, 2011
9:54 am

It can’t possibly be that the priority of every single date, every single kiss and every single person that we meet is always steered towards “Is he/she someone that I would marry?” TELL me that this isn’t true. If it is, I stopped at the wrong table. Sorry, but if that is the underlying reason for all of this….I don’t need a man to complete me, inspire me or take care of me. If it’s someone I enjoy and have a great time with, great. But not every date is me checking off a list as to whether or not he is “marrying material”.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 7th, 2011
9:54 am

@Dreams

You’re right, we all do it. But that’s where the “buy and hold” strategy comes into pay. You can jump out at the first sign of freefall (like everyone else) and then watch the stock rise from the sidelines.

@Lana

More power to you in your search.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 7th, 2011
9:58 am

Ergo

It depends on what you want. If you’re out for “fun and numbers” get it in; and every person you meet is an end unto acheiving that goal.

If you want someone to share your life with long-term, then yeah, every kiss, every date, every step they take, every move they make, you should be watching.

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
10:00 am

You leave when all means are exhausted or your desire is gone. No need to hand around where youa re not wanted or you have no desire to be. I keep reading about sex…sex should be a by product of everything else in the relationship. I am not a flighty person so I don’t run at the first sign of trouble, but I am a realist and I know myself and when it is the begining of the end in my mind.

Off Topic: I was at the gas station this morning and this woman’s body was sooooo perfect that it reminded me of an old flame. I mean so fine that your loins start tingling. I grabbed my phone and almost called the old flame to say hello. Still fighting off that urge. Just venting, I am not going to call her. Whew glad I got that off my chest.

PrincessNik

April 7th, 2011
10:05 am

I tend to err on the side of bailing too quickly

@Ared

I gotta agree with you, seems I have gone from one extreme to the other. I’m really trying to find balance with that also.

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
10:10 am

Why does it seem that when one is ready to go that guys tend to just start picking up jumpoffs until they get caught or women start making an exit plans and have another man lined up?

kimmie

April 7th, 2011
10:11 am

Purple – That’s just the way folks roll.

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
10:13 am

Hey Purp Pleasure, glad you were able to talk yourself off that ledge ;-)

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
10:15 am

kimmie, I think it was said earlier. I think some people are just afraid to be alone. They will go into something after a major realtionship break up knowing good and well that they don’t want to be with that person and will just pass the time with them until they find what they want. I think the older some get the more they realize that it’s not worth it.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 7th, 2011
10:19 am

You can jump out at the first sign of freefall (like everyone else) and then watch the stock rise from the sidelines.
Dan Assuming your company doesn’t go into bankruptcy or get bought. I agree though, as a long term strategy, if your company is pretty stable, then “buy and hold” is a good way to go.

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
10:20 am

Slim, her whole package was perfect definetly top two I have EVER seen! I felt bad just for how seeing it made lust just take over. I had to really check myself…I still have that image burned in my mind. I am glad I didn’t act on it, but I sure will be thinking about it when I do some self love in a few hours. LOL

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
10:20 am

Morning,

I guess I would agree too that laziness has been a huge factor for me when hanging or dangling too long. Not wanting to start over has even encouraged me sometimes to sit it out because of not wanting to deal with trekking through and getting past the new. Don’t get me wrong I like the buttflies and the giddies and all that stuff that comes anew but sometimes when you reach the other side of that you could very well end up back at square one. And frankly I not a fan of wasting time…mine or yours.

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
10:23 am

‘I sure will be thinking about it when I do some self love in a few hours.’

Purp – I always wonder if dude’s sort of loosely scheduled some ’self-love’ time or if it sort of just happened randomly in the moment. lol

Reality

April 7th, 2011
10:26 am

Purple, I kinda see your point about some people not wanting to be alone. However, when I got my divorce and it became final, I was so wanting to feel the experience of having a woman WANT to hold my hand, to WANT to kiss me, to ACT like they wanted to be around me….I went to a club with some friends that night. I didn’t want to date anyone steadily for a while, but sometimes, people are just so starved for the exact item in the relationship that they left for, that freedom is like an elephant that has been lifted off your chest. I haven’t moved in with anyone and offered no commitment to anyone. I had no problem getting back in the game that instant and it has been mind altering incredible ever since. The key is cutting the anchor that has kept you at the bottom of the lake, swim up and discover that life doesn’t HAVE to be like that. I was finally open for business and business is BOOMING.

kimmie

April 7th, 2011
10:28 am

Purple – I agree.

I’ve been the rebound woman and it is not pretty. I’ve done the rebound thing myself, also not pretty.

Learned early on to just take a chill pill after a major break-up!

Selflove

April 7th, 2011
10:30 am

@slim, it happens more often than you think. Some is planned and other times it’s like “I’m bored, I’m alone….hmmmmm, what have we HERE!” LMAO

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
10:30 am

Slim, sometimes it’s scheduled depending on the real life action with the wife if things are lacking os oneo f us is in a mood…. I will say hmmm I need to do that before I go to bed, sometimes I forget to sometimes I don’t.

Reality, I understand that fully. The very thing that you wanted is available to you and you just want to experience that without the other stuff.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 7th, 2011
10:31 am

I mean so fine that your loins start tingling.
Man Purp the sights around here have been something amazing lately with all this spring weather. Yeah it’s definitely the loin tingling time of year. lol

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
10:33 am

Slim..Followup off topic…Do women “invest” in making time for self love like men do???

Selflove

April 7th, 2011
10:38 am

I don’t think that women have the “self love” tendancies that men do. We’re just wired differently. I mean, I’m sure they DO, but comparing the two is like comparing your housecat stalking a bag of catnip and a mountain lion sneaking up on a deer. Two entirely different properties in play here.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 7th, 2011
10:38 am

Simple — I could see Slim being a water wanker… i.e. turn on the water full blast in the tub & slide the ol’ CT under the spout… :lol:

.

April 7th, 2011
10:41 am

Stay on topic please

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
10:43 am

Selflove, Purp, Simple Man – That’s pretty much how it is with myself. Sometimes when it’s been a minute since any action, it’ll seem like I can’t get the topic off my mind…so much so that it becomes a distraction. So i’ll be like, I must make sure I shake this monkey off my back when I get home.

Or there are times when I can’t seem to rest my mind enough to get to sleep at night, so i’ll handle that to hopefully induce some Zzzzz’s

OR, i’ll be watching something on tv and see a scene that gets my mind going and i’ll handle my light weight.

:oops:

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 7th, 2011
10:43 am

No, thank you.

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
10:44 am

swiss – sorry to disappoint you…no shower shows ;-)

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
10:44 am

Enter your comments here

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 7th, 2011
10:45 am

“sorry to disappoint you…no shower shows”

D@mmit, Slim — you couldn’t play along? Now I’ve go to come up with a different visual for later… :lol:

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
10:51 am

swiss – well in your mind, the possibilities are endless. Go for what you know ;-)

Monroe Burbank

April 7th, 2011
10:51 am

Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
10:52 am

Loving your slef is kind of on topic, I bet if you are able to clear your pipes you will make better decisions in regards to if you should stay or not.

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
10:55 am

Damn…If I would not get crushed for doing so, I would ask Slim to marry me!!! :)

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
10:58 am

Simple, if you marry her just know that all of us will be waiting to bag your wife as soon as we see her in real life. SHe can’t keep saying “non”. So if you want that pressure go right ahead and marry Slim. I am not talking about us looking and admiring I am talking about a full court press!

Letitia

April 7th, 2011
11:07 am

I’ll be divorcing real soon if this keeps up

NY state of mind

April 7th, 2011
11:08 am

Morn Fam-

I wish I could suggest my girlfriend read some of your comments. I don’t judge my friends and allow them to “live and learn”
My friend is in an abusive relationship..not physically but emotionally and mentally. She’s been dating a married man for the past 10yrs. Him and his wife dont live together but they’re refusing to divorce one another -for whatever reasons.

She has a child with this married man and uses that as an excuse to stay with him. This man is financially stable and her family keeps telling her to stick it out because he has money and buys her nice things. Her family keeps telling her that one day he will eventually divorce the wife and marry her. BUT ITS BEEN TEN YEARS….When is enough …ENOUGH??

I can’t understand for the life of me why she would want to stick around..he comes through with hand bags, shoes, and nice cars..however he’s very disrespectful and controlling. He bought her a car and then gave her a list of places she couldn’t drive it. When he’s mad at her he takes the keys. He self esteem is six feet under and the relationship is not healthy for her young child and/or her teenage niece whom she has custody of. When I asked her why she puts up with him and are the gifs worth it she said “ no one has ever treated me like this or bought me nice things before” then she said something that didn’t make sense to me “I can’t let his wife win”

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
11:12 am

NY State of Mind, your friend must come from a poor family for them to encourage her to stay for financial reasons. Also yoru friend has low self esteem and is a bad decision maker for messing with a married guy, being impregnated by a married guy, sitting around for ten years. She’s just a high priced sex toy. I don’t have dumb stupid friends, maybe you should rethink the friendship. Why would you keep someone like that in your circle?

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
11:13 am

Simple – why would you get reemed for proposing to me?

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
11:16 am

Slim, because he is not man enough to keep you from us wolves?

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
11:19 am

Slim…the fellas gonna wrap me in the Barry azz Barry banner and hang me upside down from the 17th Street bridge!!! LOL

Mo (aka Moeisha)

April 7th, 2011
11:20 am

Dan – “Don’t think of it as “starting from scratch” because you’re not. You’re building something new with a new person, using experience and a new set of tools.” So true! And when I realized that I knew that I was ready to date again and be open to the possibilities. And now, Im GOOD! :smile:

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
11:21 am

Man Slim is a catch, I was contemplating approaching her when I first came on the blog for a date. But Simple and Slim just seem like to opposites. Maybe I am just hating, let me go put on a Barry Azz Barry T-shirt for hating and blocking. LOL

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
11:25 am

Well hell Slim, Not sure If i give damn ’bout being hung out like that… I have a mani,pedi, facial appointment this afternoon…Might come out fresh enough to take slim to dinner! :)

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
11:32 am

Lord please help us….SMH

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
11:33 am

‘I have a mani,pedi, facial appointment this afternoon’

Danggit, I just got the fresh pedi yesterday. If I’d have known, we could’ve went together. :mrgreen:

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
11:34 am

I see Monroe Burbank got it…lol

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
11:35 am

When is enough …ENOUGH??

When folks are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
11:42 am

Yeah slim, I have to make sure my fingers and toes are on point!!! And since I will be there, I will work the Avacado facial so the skin is proper…

NY state of mind

April 7th, 2011
11:43 am

@PR…I agree with you 100%. You’re absolutely correct…she has a poor background and when he bought her those nice things she thought she hit the jackpot. We have been friends for more than half of our life I can’t just walk away because she’s doing something that I don’t support or entertain..it’s not that easy. Its hurtful to see my friend selling herself short for a Gucci bag and GL450 but to the poor black girl who grew up in the slums…this is what she dreamed of…and yes unfortunately the dream was of material things.

She isn’t the first woman and only woman to live this way. I just don’t know what else to do to make her see that this lifestyle isn’t healthy. She hasn’t found her worth yet and I’m not going to abandon her until she finds it- I just hope soon- she has a 6yr and 14yr girl at home.

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
11:49 am

Ny State, so she basically just costs him about $2000 a month in bills and she is happy. I understand about the life long friend thing. I have some friends who are still in the street that I have known my whole life. Hard to turn your back on them.

Simple nothing wrong with getting that stuff done but the verbiage you use. Mani, Pedi etc makes you “different” A avocado mask? C’mon dude really? LOL

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
11:50 am

Simple Man wants a facial. LOL

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
11:52 am

‘Slim is a catch’

Purple – Awww, thanks :cry:

Simple – I never had a professional facial done. Hmmm, maybe I should put that on my bday wish list.

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
11:56 am

Purp – Speaking of facials, how are your natural facial cream sales going? :lol:

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 7th, 2011
12:01 pm

Yeah, a grown man typing the word “facial” in a non-ironic statement; DTM.

NY state of mind

April 7th, 2011
12:03 pm

@PR- I never thought about it like that but yes..two stacks and she’s good. Sad!
Can you please tell her that?

Selflove

April 7th, 2011
12:04 pm

With all this talk about facials, mani’s, pedi’s and the like (from MEN? Are we metro-sexuals, now?), I think I’m due for some self luvin. Buh bye….

ASB

April 7th, 2011
12:05 pm

My boyfriend and I met almost eleven years ago. We didn’t become a couple until a few years later. He pursued me intensely and told my family that although he was coming into the relationship with children, he loved me and wanted to make a future with me. He was a good man, smart, etc. I later found out he was very selfish. I helped him with dealing with the aftermath of his divorce, with his children, death of a parent and other difficult times. I shopped for his children, planned activities, cooked, etc. Even got out of my bed when his children were sick to go to the store for medicine, drive to his house and then back to my house to go back to sleep. I was his partner is all ways. We traveled and had fun. Years passed and still no formal commitment. Was I the rebound relationship? Now, that I look back…most likely…

We both grew up with both parents in the home. He says I am his soul mate, he is committed to me and a piece of paper shouldn’t be important. When we started dating, I had a heart–to-heart discussion with him and asked was he open to marriage again and having a child if our relationship became serious. He stated, “Yes”.

Years later, during some tests, my OB/GYN told me I was infertile. I was depressed but I could tell my boyfriend was happy. I catered to him, he was spoiled and now he knew he would be the center of my attention. Still no commitment…

I prayed and asked for guidance about whether I should stay in the relationship. He was dealing with his angry ex-wife. I had to deal with her also. He would often tell me I was the opposite of her. I know he is dealing with guilt from his divorce about his children from that marriage. His mother let it slip he was about to ask me to marry him. I didn’t know at that time, but I was already a couple of weeks pregnant with twins in my forties. Weeks later, after a doctor’s visit after suffering extreme exhaustion, I was told I was pregnant. My boyfriend was livid and very, very upset.

I went through my pregnancy with Angels (family, friends and strangers) helping me along the way. My boyfriend was just extremely angry much of the time. My family, knowing how I cared for him and supported him, was upset with his treatment of me. He changed his mind about proposing to me after I found out I was pregnant. I still tried to work things out even with the hurt. He was angry because my focus was on the babies to ensure their safe journey to this world. If I didn’t take care of me, who would? He would tell me that now he can never have what he truly wanted and that was me. The alternative was not even an option. The babies were much wanted if only by me.

When the babies were born, he argued with me over every little detail. I stayed calm but consistent with my views because I was dealing with HBP due to the pregnancy. Our children are a blessing and a miracle.

Time has passed. We are still in two different houses. Our children know “Mommy’s house” and “Daddy’s house”. Still, I try to be a family. Am I crazy? I often think so for still dreaming of a future with him.

My father and grandfathers were good men and I had great relationships with them. My mother and grandmothers were good women who raised their families and taught me the importance of being a lady. I am neither desperate nor have a complex about being alone.

My independence and love of life is what attracted my boyfriend. I wasn’t waiting around for a man to complete me. I must admit the fact I work out with weights, do cardio and stay in shape attracted him also (size 6). I grew up as a scholar, athlete and competing in pageants. He is still trying to keep the relationship. He blames me for trying to lock him down with more children and trying to hurt his other children by having more children. He tells me I concentrate on the children more than him. It is difficult to take care of him when we live in different homes. I am not superwoman.

When we attend church as a family, people make comments, “You and your husband have a beautiful family”. It hurts. Just the other day, a good friend told me, “You are doing a great job with the children.” My co-workers tell me, “I don’t know how you do it. You look great, maintain a career and are a good mommy”. I want my children to grow up with a healthy view of relationships. I don’t want them to say, “Mommy, why aren’t you and daddy married”. I don’t want them to say that I took them away from their daddy or that I didn’t try to work on our relationship. What do I want for me personally? I don’t know anymore…

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
12:17 pm

Purp, Dan, Selflove…Nothing Metro about me, but I have to make sure my mug is on point…Get my face hooked up monthly the same way I get my hair cut weekly…That way when my face is in the place, there wont be ingrown hair and stubble rubbing against the soft skin of her inner thighs….

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
12:19 pm

Slim…
Put in on the list..its worth the money :)

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
12:26 pm

Simple Man, I just shave, and wash my face with water and soap and use some lotion. I don’t think my skin can get any better…maybe it’s my diet.

Ny State, you can tell her but deep down she already knows.

ASB, you have some major issues in your posting, I don’t even want to comment. I wish you the best and that for once you look out for yourself.

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
12:28 pm

I ain’t tryna be funny and I know I’m one to vent…usually though I’m just getting it off my chest but when oh when did this place become the spot for real therapy? Seriously.

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
12:29 pm

May I recommend a journal?

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 7th, 2011
12:42 pm

ASB — Normally, you’d be issued a citation for that 4-volume epic you posted, but you’re new so just a warning this time… ;-)

Now, for a little tough love:

Seriously? Look, you don’t have to “take daddy away” to move on. Hell, the kids are already used to “mommy’s house” & “daddy’s house” so how much of a difference would it be, really? Bottom line, you are allowing yourself to be, essentially, a domestic servant. If you’re cool with that, then more power to you. If not, I suggest you move along.

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
12:43 pm

I can’t believe I read the whole thing. Where were all these dumb woman at when I was single? I shoul dhave no problem finding a side piece after reading some of these stories. Not that I would want one though

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
12:49 pm

PR – I can’t believe you read it either…lol…gheesh

NY state of mind

April 7th, 2011
12:50 pm

@Celisea – I could be wrong but isn’t the rules of this blog as stated above “for Mature adults to discuss dating and relationship, to help each other or challenge another’s viewpoint”

Isn’t this blog Wise Diva’s journal??

For some who may be experiencing some real challenges in life and have no other place to turn this may be therapeutic for them.

@ASB- Thanks for sharing such a vulnerable part of your life. I dont know what to say and really cant give you any advice as I too have played the fool for a man. However- it seems like you gave more to the relationship than he did.

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit :-)

April 7th, 2011
12:53 pm

New York I was just thinkingwondering the same thing…especially the first half of your post.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 7th, 2011
12:53 pm

@Simple

I wash with soap, shave with a razor, and use vaseline; but, I am naturally beautiful – so what you do.

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit :-)

April 7th, 2011
12:54 pm

should’ve been *thinking/wondering* but I digress….

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
12:54 pm

NYSofM – Yeah, but how many times have we recycled folks messing with married folks??? What answer other than “that’s stupid” would you want or hope for??? If you don’t have anywhere else to turn but a sounding board, call Jesus, he can heal all wounds :) How’s that for therapy :) Heart fixer, mind regulator, burden bearer, heavy load carrier…you asked…lolol j/k b/n/r

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
12:55 pm

I’m sure that won’t be a popular answer and no I’m not donning a vest. I can be silent though. I’m sure for some that’s welcomed :)

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
12:58 pm

LOL@Dan

Will you ladies hush us men are talking skincare.

cba

April 7th, 2011
12:58 pm

Unfortunately, you can hear many ASBs stories on Michael Baisden show.
PR, for alot of black men, shaving with a razor can cause many unpleasant bumps. I can understand Simple from that point of view.
I just use that stanking azz shaving cream :-)

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
1:02 pm

cba, ok. What about an electric razor I use one of those when it’s time to be really smooth. Black man or not..an Avacodo mask?

Who is Michael Baisden?

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
1:03 pm

Celisea, I honestly thought she copied and pasted that story but that’s just my opinion.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 7th, 2011
1:03 pm

Overload….too…much…shullbit…..

@ASB – You have kids, think them, then you; and realize that after 11 years and all that drama, dude ain’t changing. You know this, you stated it, you have to make a choice: stay or leave.

If you stay, you’ve signed up for whatever he does to you from now on – period. If you leave, it will be hard; but you will live.

Whatever your goal in putting your measurements out, what it tells me is this, you still care about you. Care enough about yourself to make a choice and stick with it. You’re grown.

@NYSofM

Your friend is not bright, you can’t change that, no need to worry about it. She’s grown and capable of making her own decisions. Your job as a friend at this point (should you choose to accept it), is to be there as a sounding board, not repository for the dreams she should have for herself.

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
1:05 pm

PR – Celisea, I honestly thought she copied and pasted that story but that’s just my opinion.

LOL…I’ll just play nice and say no comment

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 7th, 2011
1:07 pm

There’s a “stanking azz” scented shaving cream?

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit :-)

April 7th, 2011
1:07 pm

man things are taking a weird turn….

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 7th, 2011
1:09 pm

Sassy — It’s after lunch… what did you expect? :lol:

cba

April 7th, 2011
1:15 pm

Swiss, I’ve been shaving since I was 15, almost 40yrs. Believe me, I’ve tried them all. Compared to 40yrs ago, the shaving cream I use today is very pleasant smelling :-)

PR, Michael Baisden has a radio show that discusses relationship issues among other things.
You know how you do it, google him and listen sometimes.

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
1:18 pm

cba, I had to make sure it was not a google setup

cba

April 7th, 2011
1:20 pm

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
1:22 pm

On Topic, she should have left when he said he was married.

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
1:23 pm

Where is Leggs and Raqi?

NY state of mind

April 7th, 2011
1:34 pm

@Dan… whether he’s a married man or not- the relationship is very unhealthy because he isn’t a good man. I agree she’s very stupid..my point is why is she still putting up with any man who’s no good let alone someone else’s husband’s foolishness. After 10yrs..when do you leave….I guess when you’re tired

@Celisea- Your rebuttal is very popular and funny. I see you don’t have any other place to turn to but a sound board either…..welcome to the Wise Diva’s Misadventures in Atlanta..nice to meet you.

ASB

April 7th, 2011
1:37 pm

@NY state of mind. It took a lot to even post it. Many times I read the blog and want to respond. I could’ve gone into more detail but as it is many people may still recognize me from my posting.

@Purple Rain and Celisea. This is my story, lived by me and the blog posting written by me. I wouldn’t request advice on Michael Baisden. My friends, family and others would probably recognize who wrote the letter right away.

I have met Michael Baisden a couple of times at gatherings in Atlanta. Women were crowding around him. I was standing away from the crowd. Each time, he left the group of women to come over to talk to me. The first time I met him, he was shocked to find out my age. He stated I was the exception to the rule since I was in great shape and not desperate. He was trying to be cool and not come across as trying to get my number. I didn’t offer my number, business card nor asked for his info. The second time, he remembered me and walked up and gave me a hug. At that event, there were many men trying to give me their business cards. He told me with all the men chasing after me I needed to write a book.

@Dan – Simply….Superior. If I didn’t lift weights and work out, I would be more stressed. After my pregnancy, the physician put me on blood pressure meds and told me I would take them for the rest of my life. I told him after I lose my pregnancy weight and get back to my normal exercise routine, I would be able to stop taking them. I lost the weight and my blood pressure returned to normal.

@i’m swiss™ (”FREE ME.LO”), I know and I am trying to move to that point…After all the years, I met someone who just threw me for a loop and fell in love and in stupid…Easy to say, harder to actually make that move…

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 7th, 2011
1:39 pm

@NYSoM

I didn’t call her stupid, I said not bright.

Plus, that “ooooohhhhoooo” make men and women do dumb isht

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
1:43 pm

Wells ASB, what do you want out of life?

Blackfoote

April 7th, 2011
1:48 pm

When the sht hits the fan it’s time to leave. Why get caught up in sht that is stressful to validate what.
What’s up folks.

Blackfoote

April 7th, 2011
1:49 pm

Oh y’all talking about men shaving my bad.

NY state of mind

April 7th, 2011
1:52 pm

@Dan..its cool..I called her stupid and I think someone else did. I’m not offended by it at all. I’m still her friend and because we’re grown women and were grown 10yrs ago I cant tell her to leave. It’s a lot easier said than done..I just hope she leaves sooner rather than later. I wasnt looking for any other answer..just sharing a real life dating adventure.

@ASB– no need to hide from your friends, family or strangers- You’re human and your situation is experienced by other humans..whether they care to admit it or not or even pretend everything in their life is bible clean.

I hope all works out for the best. If you can write a book..I say go for it. Your twins will benefit from it.

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
1:53 pm

Purp..Dont knock teh Avacado until you have tried it..Add that to the fact that teh ladies in the spaor SOOOOO PHINE!!!! Strait razor shave, hot towel, moisturizing massage, mask (Mani happens while mask is on)… Nice way to relax and be pampered by beautiful women that are only there to take care of me the customer….

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
1:58 pm

IF you are going to pay women might as well pay them to close the deal lol

ASB

April 7th, 2011
1:58 pm

@Purple Rain, I want a man to love me as deeply as I love him. I want a strong family unit for my children much like I had growing up. Overall, I am happy. My children are healthy and happy. I am healthy. No one can make a person happy. My biggest mistake with my relationship was I tried to make him happy. I tried to protect him and take care of all his needs. He told me I did make him happy…before I had the children.

Blackfoote

April 7th, 2011
2:06 pm

ASB you tried to protect a guy from what? And take care all of his needs. Why? Is he handicapped?

Blackfoote

April 7th, 2011
2:09 pm

ASB no answer required I am all late coming in I’m sure you have your reasons.

kimmie

April 7th, 2011
2:15 pm

ASB – You were brave to put that out there to this rough crowd. We are not professional therapists, but you’ve got to have thick skin to deal with us because we do give it to you straight, peppered with joking.

He doesn’t want the twins, but it took 2 to make them. It’s not your fault. He was there when the dr told you you were infertile. But God has the last word. That’s just how stuff works sometimes. The kids didn’t ask to come here. Absolutely if you all are living in seperate houses, he’s not going to get as much attention. Sounds like he’s a big baby and he needs to man up. Stop the temper tantrums because things didn’t work out like he wanted. Is he taking care of the children financially? Even though he appears to resent their presence in this world, is he at least trying to be a loving father to them? These are the main things you should be concerned about with him. Forget the romance, there is none.

You don’t need to beg a man to marry you. If he did at this point, he will still harbor resentment toward you for the rest of your days and your children’s days. I would not want to wake up next to that every day.

You’ll get tired. Until then, carry on.

Lord Velonese

April 7th, 2011
2:28 pm

“Panama: People are afraid of being alone”

Speak for yourself there skippy. I really like how some people “think” they others better then they know themselves, tsk tsk.

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
2:31 pm

ASB I wish you the best, If you want it go get it. It’s not just going to come to you.

NY state of mind

April 7th, 2011
2:36 pm

@Kimmie- great post!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 7th, 2011
2:37 pm

ASB– no need to hide from your friends, family or strangers
ASB This is true. Actually it’s the primary tactic of a manipulative guy. Isolate the woman from her family and friends so that she emotionally depends on only him. Once he’s done that, he can do whatever he wants, and she’ll feel helpless to stop it. Sometimes we even isolate ourselves out of pride. You don’t have to broadcast your situation, but you should tell the people who really love you. People can’t help you if they think nothing is wrong.

kimmie

April 7th, 2011
2:48 pm

NY – Thanks. And I feel you on your friends situation. I’ve been thru similiar with one of my friends, though thankfully it didn’t last that many years. Also, she tried to get pregnant, but the Lord did not make that happen. It’s sad,though. Poverty and not being accustomed to much will make some people do destructive things. All you can do is be there for her when she falls and pray and hope for the best.

kimmie

April 7th, 2011
2:49 pm

Dreams – Your 2:37 – on point, as usual!

ASB

April 7th, 2011
2:49 pm

@Blackfoote, he was and still is going through issues with his ex-wife. I wanted his environment to be peaceful and not full of chaos. I don’t like drama so I try my best to make my home a place of rest and relaxation. He is not handicapped. His mom spoiled him and then I did.

@Kimmie, thanks. I know…tough crowd! When reading your post, I must admit I started crying at my desk. He spends time with them but only when I am around to care for them. He doesn’t have patience with small children. He is loving to them and is generous on special days (i.e. Christmas, Birthday). They have stayed at his house overnight one time with him and their older siblings. On that night, I bathed them and put them to bed. Then, I went to my home to do some work. I was back to pick them up by lunch at his request.

Financially, he states he can’t do it at the moment due to the amount he pays his ex-wife. In the past few months, he has given me checks. He could go back to modify the child support award. The laws have changed and the now he has additional children to support. However, he states he doesn’t have the money for a court fight with his ex and that she will leave the city with his children if he does modify. Thank God for now, I have a good job with good benefits. Even so, I still have a strict budget.

I don’t beg him to marry me and very rarely mention marriage. However, many people around us are getting married and people ask us all the time when we are going to marry. Some people assume we already are married.

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit :-)

April 7th, 2011
2:55 pm

When you’ve had enough you’ll know….YOU and no one else…

Luvah

April 7th, 2011
2:56 pm

Dang, all I want is a woman that shaves…….

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 7th, 2011
2:58 pm

ASB Don’t waste any more of your time with a shullbit guy. I’m tired of hearing these dudes’ excuses for why they don’t take care of their kids or why they’re dishonest. I can’t be tired for you though. You have to be tired of it yourself. You’ve got to throw your hands up, say “Enough is enough! I’m done with this shyyyyt.” When you can do that, then you’ll start putting in motion all the other things that you need to improve your situation. Without that motivation you’ll be running on the same treadmill for another 11 years. All that you need you already have, you had it before you met this guy, and you’ll have it after.

Blackfoote

April 7th, 2011
3:00 pm

ASB I feel you on living drama free and I know it can be hard on a guy when he have multiple kids to see after I had girl/boy twins that died at birth but my ex and I were blessed to have another before we divorced. For the kids sake I hope he does right by them.

kimmie

April 7th, 2011
3:02 pm

ASB – I feel for you and wish you the best. You sound like a sweet person.

All those reasons he gave you are cop-outs. Bottom line, he’s got 2 more mouths to feed now. He has to face his responsibilities like an adult. And oh, that little thing about him being afraid the ex will leave the city with the kids – not true. Even if she is threatening him with that, she can’t do it. I know because one of my best friends’ husband got that threat from his ex. Neither can move to another city with the kids unless they mutually agree or when they turn 18. Same situation with a cousin of mine. Now she can sneak out of town with them – and get arrested.

ASB

April 7th, 2011
3:06 pm

@Purple Rain, thank you.

@DreamsMaterialize “Free Me-Lo”, my friends and family know about the situation. Some of my family think he has cast a spell on me. Also, very little in the physical side of our relationship is happening, which harbors more resentment. When we spend time together the children are also with us or all the children are visiting. Babysitters are an option, but it would be nice to share the expense.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 7th, 2011
3:09 pm

@ASB – and you’re still “with” the dude. Like, in love and the whole nine after all ^^ that happened?

ASB

April 7th, 2011
3:27 pm

@DreamsMaterialize “Free Me-Lo”, I know I should but the drama doesn’t stop there. We also work at the same company. I see him every day at work.

@Blackfoote, I am so sorry for your loss. It would drive me crazy to lose my babies.

I understand things changed for him and I don’t ask him to change his life. He spends time with his friends without any grief from me. He is resentful because we traveled, played golf together, etc. He tells me he lost his best friend. I feel like I lost mine and that he should’ve been there for me through it all. He apologized for how he acted during and immediately after the children were born, but I feel if he really loved me he should’ve been there for us.

@Kimmie, thank you. I try to live my life so that when I go to sleep I know I tried not to wrong anyone. And, if I did, I pray for forgiveness. I must admit, it has been so hard. When I see my children’s smiling faces, I know that I have to stay strong. I want to do what is best for them.

I told him that if she was going to leave the city, she would’ve done so when the children were born. He didn’t tell his ex-wife about the children until after the birth. I told him the same thing about her not being able to take his older children away.

About getting married, he thinks the same thing…if he marries, she will move them away from him. He told me that if we married and she moved the children away, he would hate me for the rest of his life.

ASB

April 7th, 2011
3:31 pm

@Dan – Simply….Superior, I am still with him but my feelings are not as intense. Guess I believe the in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer…and didn’t even take the vows…

In addition, we also share other assets. I know, I know…don’t buy anything with a man unless you are married.

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
3:33 pm

Blog hug for ASB….Your sh–IT it COM PLI CA TED!!!!!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 7th, 2011
3:36 pm

I understand things changed for him and I don’t ask him to change his life.
ASB I see this differently. You should DEMAND that he change his life. He made the choice to have children by two different women, so now that circumstance requires that he make some changes in his life to accomodate that. You have to be more aggressive, if only for the sake of your children.

He told me that if we married and she moved the children away, he would hate me for the rest of his life.
ASB He’s playing mind games, trying to make you feel guilty for what you want. If you want to be married, then you deserve that…just maybe not from him. If his ex moves away against a court order, then she’ll be charged with felony kidknapping, and an amber alert will go out nationwide. He probably knows this already, but he’s assuming you don’t so he can use it as ammo to discourage you from trying to get what you want.

NY state of mind

April 7th, 2011
3:39 pm

@ASB- dude is playing a lot of mind games…his brain should hurt. I’m not buying, renting, leasing or financing none of this nonsense about him telling you the EX- will move away if he moves on. She divorced him which means they have come to an agreement that they no longer want to be together. So I’m pretty sure she doesn’t care – It’s a sad reality- a big pill to swallow but it sounds like he made a commitment to not marry you or remarry period.

NY state of mind

April 7th, 2011
3:39 pm

@ASB- dude is playing a lot of mind games…his brain should hurt. I’m not buying, renting, leasing or financing none of this nonsense about him telling you the EX- will move away if he moves on. She divorced him which means they have come to an agreement that they no longer want to be together. So I’m pretty sure she doesn’t care – It’s a sad reality- a big pill to swallow but it sounds like he made a commitment to not marry you or remarry period.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 7th, 2011
3:41 pm

In addition, we also share other assets. I know, I know…don’t buy anything with a man unless you are married.
ASB This doesn’t mean anything. The two of you aren’t married, so the courts don’t have any authority over personal property, except to enforce what contracts are already in place. Simple, if you both signed your name to it, then you’re both responsible.

Blog hug for ASB….Your sh–IT it COM PLI CA TED!!!!!
Simple No it isn’t. Nothing is ever really that complicated. Most things can be resolved by relatively simple choices…we just don’t want to make the choices. And I’m not talking at ASB…I’m speaking from experience.

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
3:48 pm

ASB you are afraid. You need to grab your inner strength and not be a door mat. Seriously I feel for you but only so much, you are in control of you!

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
3:54 pm

I would expect my woman to leave me if I disrespected her or our future kid. I would lose respect for her for still dealing with me.

kimmie

April 7th, 2011
3:59 pm

Purple – To your 3:54 – That reminds me of my first serious boyfriend. I was naive and stupid. He used to try to see how much he could get away with. He told me right before we broke up that he did not respect me for letting him get away with everything. He wanted a woman that could stand up for herself.

While I did not respect him for treating me the way he did just because he could, I never forgot what he said.

And I’ve been a spitfire every since!LOL!!!

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
4:02 pm

kimmie, some are only as faithful as their options. Love your mate so hard that they have no options! lol

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 7th, 2011
4:09 pm

And I’ve been a spitfire every since!LOL!!!
kimmie behind all that, I think you’re a softy. ;-)

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
4:20 pm

I think kimmie would be the most dedicated wife with no mental games played with the man…if there were such a woman…but there is not. LOL

kimmie

April 7th, 2011
4:27 pm

Dreams – You are right, I am a softy. But I act up when I have to!LOL!!

Purple – Very dedicated, as I am already. But that’s because I’m being met with the same amount of dedication!

And with that gang, I am out! Have a good one!

ASB

April 7th, 2011
4:42 pm

@Simple Man!!!!, thank you and it is much needed…

@DreamsMaterialize “Free Me-Lo”, I know a lot about family law and have seen many cases of unfairness to non-custodial parents.

@NY state of mind. Apparently, she didn’t want the divorce. From his words, she filed for divorce to put him in check and never had any intention on following through with it. She has, at times, made things difficult. She also told her children not to be nice to me. However, I still treat them well because I know she is manipulating them.

@Purple Rain, you may be right about me being afraid. He also mention that his life is messed up (but used a word starting with f) and that if he did away with himself we could all enjoy his life insurance.

ASB

April 7th, 2011
4:48 pm

He has stated that I just want what I want (marriage and family) and he is supposed to fall in line. It doesn’t matter who it hurts. (talking about his first set of children). And, he sees signs in our relationship similar to his marriage such as her putting the children first.

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
5:00 pm

ABS…To sum up all of teh days comments, You have some serious choices to make…Either you are going to swallow all that you are and tow his line because thats just teh way he demands it, or you are going to look in the mirror find the strength to do what you have to do to make YOU happy… Don’t let him cloud matters with stories about the kids or what ever… Seeems to me like you have given enough time for you to demand that he get on or get ghost….

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 7th, 2011
5:10 pm

Alrighty then…

Hey Leggs, here’s an E.O.D. for ya — and it’s actually apropos:

“If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that’s another weakness” — Jack Handy (who else?)